Axel

Chapter 7

“God, Izzy, you feel so f*cking good wrapped around my cock. So…f*cking…tight.” He rasps as he slowly thrust his long, thick length into my waiting body. “Never felt anything as good as you.”

His hands tighten on my hips as his pumping picks up speed; his powerful rocking is rubbing my erect nipples in the most delightful way against his sheets. I dig my fingers into the sheets, trying, but not succeeding, in keeping my moaning down. All I want to do is scream out in pleasure with every single thrust, and every single roll of his hips. He gives a good push in, the tip of his generous cock hitting my cervix; each thrust now has my body tightening up and lightning bolts of sheer pleasure shooting from my p-ssy to every part of my body. My fingers tingle; my toes curl; my breasts feel like they are throbbing. Every single inch of my skin is on fire for this boy.

“F*ck me…” he rumbles, his breathing coming in fast burst against my back. “Like you were made for me, baby.”

I’m afraid to open my mouth, to respond with any kind of sound that will let him know he has me feeling the exact same way. I know the second I unclench my lips screams of pure ecstasy will come bolting out. God, I love him. He’s right; we fit together like we are meant to be. Both our bodies align perfectly, our movement in perfect sync with each other, and our thoughts communicate wordlessly.

His hand reaches between my thighs and he starts to roll his thumb in deliciously circles; making my body’s pleasure reach even higher than before.

“Come with me, Princess, come f*cking with me.”

Right when my pleasure reaches insurmountable levels and the claws of the most powerful orgasm start taking hold…

I wake up.

Sitting straight up with a giant jolt, I hear a thump to my right, and look over to see Dee stick her tired head up over the side of the bed. Unhappiness, with a twinge of confusion mar her pretty face; her hair is sticking up in every direction possible, and her flawless makeup from the night before is smudged under her eyes and lips. If I wasn’t still feeling the effects of that dream, I might laugh. She looks absolutely ridiculous.

“Jesus Christ, Iz. A simple wake up would have sufficed, too.”

“Sorry,” I snort, earning me a new glare.

I take my eyes from the tiny ball of unhappiness on the floor and slowly look around my room, trying to figure out what feels so different. Well, besides waking up with Dee in my bed, freaking weirdo. A knock at my door has me frowning even deeper, for the life of me, I can’t seem to figure out what feels so off.


The door opens a crack and Greg pokes his head in, “Hey,” he says hesitantly, “Okay if I come in?”

And that is all it takes for it all to come rushing back, crystal clear in HD Technicolor. My birthday, the package, club Carnal, and Axel.

Dee pulls herself off the floor, rubbing her ass as she pushes past Greg on her way out the door; mumbling heated words under her breath.

“Someone woke up happy.” Greg says, walking over to the edge of my bed, taking a seat. He looks over at me, digging in for what seems to be a nice little visit. “Mornin’ baby girl, sleep okay?”

He looks so awkward in my girly room. His brown hair is tousled, in a just woke up way, giving him an almost boyish look to his normal hard face. He’s wearing sweats and a tight white undershirt, showing off his thick muscled arms. He screams masculinity in my frilly room.

“Slept decent, I guess or at least I think I did.” I pick at some imaginary lint on my comforter, not looking up into his knowing eyes. I feel him shift, turning to his side so he is facing me. Still, I don’t look up.

“Look at me, baby girl, I need to see that you’re okay.”

I take in a big pull of air, hold it and look up. His sleepy look is long gone and his hard controlled stare is firmly in place. A stare I am not used to being on the receiving end of. I’ve seen him give it a million times before; it’s his look that always means business, business no matter what, a look that you do not want to cross.

Guess this means it’s game on; I was really hoping he would have just let this go. There wasn’t anything left to hash out. “Look, G, I know you mean well, but this shit…this shit isn’t something I want to deal with. Not now, not later. I’m not even sure I want to ever deal with it again. What’s left to say at this point, huh? That road, it is not one I want to go down again. It’s been blocked off with detour signs for a long time now, huge f*cking warning signs telling me to walk the other direction. I would be setting myself up for more pain and heartbreak and that is not something I want to do. Is it too much to ask for me to just be allowed a little happiness, some of this dark cloud to dissipate?” I don’t even give him a chance to get a word out, cutting him off before he can try and plow right over me. “We know…now, that you and…you and him are friends. Let’s just leave it. You can be friends with him and you can be friends with me. I don’t see why the two ever have to intermix. Ever.”

I can tell he is trying to talk his temper down, or maybe he is just having some convoluted one sided argument with himself, who knows. I don’t care at this point; there is no way I am doing this. Not when it is still cutting so fresh into my skin. I feel like I have a movie rolling in my head, over and over with the same images. Images of a past forgotten and a future lost.

“Izzy, this isn’t going to just go away. Sooner or later it will have to be dealt with.” I know he’s right, I really do, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with him. Denial is a perfectly acceptable place to pack up and move to. “He is going to be my partner now, he lives here and is staying, Iz. He isn’t going to just disappear.”

I don’t have the energy for this fight and I know it will end up being a heavy one; a fight I will need all my wits for, going into battle with Greg is never easy.

“I get that this might not be going away, but that doesn’t mean I have to deal with it right f*cking now.” I feel like punching something. Why can’t we just pretend that last night never happened, I am the queen of f*cking brushing it under the rug, that’s a game I can play with the best of them. Out of sight; out of mind.

“Baby girl, this pains me, I feel guilty as shit right now. You might be able to forget, or try to, but I can’t. I know what last night has cost you and I can’t sit back knowing you are in pain.” He shakes his head, his blue eyes losing that bright shine. “I should have known, but…f*ck, Iz, I didn’t ever know him as Axel.” He pauses again, whether he is going for dramatic flair or just trying to figure out the best way to piss me off, I don’t know, but right when I get ready to freak the f*ck out on him, he continues. “I have only ever known him as Reid. When we met at basic he was H. Reid, and from then on, we only ever called him Reid, Axel…f*ck baby girl, but he was never Axel. When we first got out and he started up his security gig, that was the only other time I have ever heard him refer to himself as anything other than Reid, and I promise you this, it was not Axel.”

Why is this so important? If I didn’t care so much about my friendship with Greg, I would f*cking kill him. Go all crazy white girl on his ass. “Holt, right?” I laugh without humor, “He always hated that name, said it reminded him of his old man.” I mumble, back to picking at the invisible lint. “Greg, can we please, please not do this right now?”

He looks at me, assessing for a while, taking me in and, once again, trying to figure out how to weigh his words. “Iz, we are f*cking doing this. I won’t let you sit here and fester in your hurt. Not when I can fix it, not when I have the power to do something this time.” Hard and spitting. No argument. His tone leaves no room for wiggling, he’s settled in and ready to go at it.

Stubborn f*cking ass. We really are too much alike sometimes.

“I’m fine, really, I just need to process.” I lie. He knows I’m lying, I can see it in his face. He might have come in ready to play but he didn’t have this hardness about his eyes at first. My lying just confirmed his thoughts that I wasn’t handling this well.

“You aren’t fine, baby girl, far from it and if you expect me to sit here and buy that plate of shit you are insisting on dishing up you’re out of your f*cking mind. You forget I know you. That play won’t work with me.”

“Greg, seriously?” I screech, “Are you f*cking serious right now? I am not trying to serve you some shit. I just don’t want to go there. It really is just as simple as that. I have no hidden motive here. Just give me a goddamn break, you know, you f*cking know what he meant to me. Could you just give me a minute to, I don’t know, process this shit? Dead, G, he has been dead for twelve years and all of a sudden he isn’t, that isn’t something I can just wake up and deal with.” I can tell I struck a nerve and I might feel bad if I wasn’t so pissed off. He isn’t letting me figure this out, he isn’t letting me think; I just want a second, just a f*cking second to wrap my head around this colossal mind f*ck.

He looks a little more understanding after my outburst, not by much, but I can see he is trying hard to see this from my shoes. “I’ll give you today, Izzy, but hear me this, we will be talking about this. No pushing it away, no locking this in tight. The can has been opened and try as you might, there is no way you’re getting those worms back in.” He squeezes my leg and stands, leveling me with one more serious look and turns to stomp heavily out of my room; firmly snapping the door shut behind him.

Well, that went well.

I know he is right, I do. I have to deal with this. I might not want to, and it isn’t going to be pretty, but I have to face this. With everything else going on, it isn’t something I even want on my radar but it’s there. I’ll deal with it, but on my terms, and it will not be today.


I lie back down and roll onto my side facing the big picture window; looking up into the bright cloudless Georgia sky. What a f*cked up mess. I still have to deal with Brandon; the divorce, or actually the lack of one, and his continued reminders that he is in my life and knows how to reach me…how to hurt me. Now, now I have to deal with Axel and a past I have been struggling to forget and move on from for almost half of my life. Oh how cruel fate is.

It really is funny sometimes how everything comes full circle. Just when you think your life is headed in one clear cut direction, the light turns red and the turn signal comes on. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish my parents were still here, happily residing a few counties over in our old small three bedroom ranch. If I hadn’t lost them, I never would have had Dee come into my life and even though it doesn’t take away the pain of their loss, I have to consider myself lucky on some counts. Even through the dark times of my marriage, when our contact was few and far between I always knew she was there, and she always would be.

Through Dee, came Greg, another thing I wouldn’t have in my life if my parents had survived that wreck. He is another person that Dee had roped in with her overwhelming personality. She met him when she was dating his cousin, and even though the cousin didn’t last, her friendship with Greg did. She can’t help it, she just has something about her that people want to be around. She has that permanent outlook that everything is right in the world. And lucky for me, he had just happened to be close the night she came to save me, even though I don’t remember him showing up with her. By the time she had made it to me, I had completely blacked out. The first time I saw him, my initial reaction had been fear; Greg mad was not someone you wanted to be around and when he saw me step out of the van that day, his reaction scared the shit out of me. Huge, raging mad and ready to kill. No one was more shocked than I was, when the feral giant turned human shield. He had been ready to protect me from anything and that has never changed.

I know I am lucky with the friendships I have with Dee and Greg, they are the only two people I have left in the world. The only two people I know would die before they hurt me. They are my family now; family I sometimes want to hurt, but family none the less. It is hard sometimes, to deal with all my f*ckedupness. I know it isn’t easy for them. When I have a setback, they both have to deal with it right alongside of me. I go and crawl into myself; Dee goes into worried mother mode, and Greg goes into his protective grizzly alpha persona.

Dee and I are close, and we will always be, but Greg and I share a bond of loss and heartache that no one else will ever touch. When he told me about his sister, I still remember the look in his eye. That was the only time I have ever seen his hard self shed a tear. I had broken down, clinging to him, mourning his sister but also feeling the pain the last six years of my life had imbedded in me, with the stark, cold knowledge that I could have had a very different ending. That was the day he promised me he wouldn’t let my husband touch me; the day he promised to do everything he could to keep the pain at bay.

I roll back over and stare up at the ceiling, following the fans rotations with my eyes, letting the memories of the past come rolling back over me.

I remember when I was as constantly happy as Dee, always looking at the world with rose colored goggles. I wasn’t the most popular girl in school, but I had a good number of close friends. My childhood had been so full of laughter and love; my parents were the things dreams are made of. They were always happy, always smiling, and always full of love. Love for me, and love for life. For a parent child relationship, ours wasn’t the most conventional. I could go to them with anything and they never cast judgment or scorn. Not a day went by that I didn’t feel the joy I had brought into their lives.

I had been lucky enough to meet the love of my life young. We had a relationship that reminded me of my parents. Always happy, always smiling, and always full of love. I had three of the best young and dumb years in my life with that boy.

I thought I was untouchable, and I thought that our love was unbreakable. Together we could overcome anything that life threw at us. By his side, I was complete.

Axel had left for boot camp three days after he graduated from high school, and that, unfortunately, meant he was leaving me behind in the process. I understood this, hell, I had even rallied behind him. I wanted what would make him happy and I knew he was setting his own path; proving to the world that he was nothing like his parents, his parents who cared more about their next big fix than their own son. Axel had been living in and out of foster homes for the better part of his eighteen years, and knowing he had nothing to offer me for a solid future, he did the only thing that made sense to him; he enlisted in the Marines.

Together, with my parents by my side, we dropped him off at the bus station with a promise to reunite and live out all of our dreams when I graduated the next year. That day had been the first hard day of my life.

I let a bitter laugh escape my lips when I think back to all those stupid dreams. It’s a funny thing, the dreams of an innocent teen; you never know when you’re planning them that you are planning nightmares instead.

I wasn’t too broken by him leaving, sure I had been upset but I knew that he would be back; he would return to me. My parents had planned a few trips that summer to keep my mind off missing Axel, at least until I could hear from him again. I was so excited for that day, even knowing it might just be a letter; I couldn’t wait to hear about all the changes he was encountering and how he was dealing with them and without me.

But, that day never came. Two weeks after I waved goodbye to my love, my parents were killed in a car accident. I had been devastated and heartbroken. Looking back now, I can say that was the start of my downward spiral. I didn’t deal with their deaths well, especially without Axel there to ground me. My parents had both been only children and my father’s parents had been long gone before I was even born. With no other family left to take over my care, I was shipped off to live with my mom’s parents in North Carolina. Even through all my grief, I still held onto the hope that Axel would be back in my arms again and that he would take all that pain away. I loved my grandparents, don’t get me wrong, but they were older and just didn’t know how to deal with my pain on top of their own.

I had left their address in the care of Axel’s foster mother, June. I knew she hated me, but I had hoped that if I couldn’t contact him, this would be the next best thing.

The fog from my parents’ death had finally left me, when I found out I was almost two months pregnant. It had been almost a month since I lost them and not a day went by that I didn’t feel the stabbing grief, but this pregnancy gave me something to focus on. Something to look forward to. It was Independence Day when I found out, ironic enough. I remember sitting in the bathroom of my grandparents’ house, thinking I had the next best thing to having Axel with me; a piece of him and our love. I was still scared; what seventeen year old wouldn’t be. I was basically alone and pregnant. I loved that baby from the second I saw the positive test strip, I had just known that any baby created with our love would be beautiful.

With a new lease on life, I started to move on and plan for our new future. I couldn’t wait to share the news with him. Every day I wrote to him, sending the letters off to his old foster home. Not knowing where he settled, I thought that was the next best thing. It worried me that I hadn’t heard from him but I knew he would find me. He would always find me.


I had been around ten weeks pregnant when I got a letter in the mail from June. She told me to stop sending my letters to her house, Axel wasn’t coming back and he had told her to let me know to leave him alone. I was confused and heartbroken. My Axel wouldn’t have said that, he loved me; we had a future together.

I tried to write him at the base he was originally supposed to be arriving at, but my letter was returned, saying there was no one there by that name. I didn’t know what to do. I know June told me that he wanted me to leave him alone but I felt he deserved to at least know about the baby. So, with no other options I tried to contact June again. I wrote her a letter detailing the importance of having Axel contact me. The letter I got in return shocked me to the core.

I opened the letter and immediately the smell of smoke wafted around my head. Unfolding the single piece of paper, I read the words that stopped my world from spinning.

Two words.

He’s dead.

I couldn’t believe it, I just couldn’t. June had to be lying. I tried to write him at the base again, but my letter was returned, saying they were sorry but no solider by that name was listed in active duty. When that letter came back it was then that I believed June and I shattered.

It was two weeks later that I lost our baby.

That was the day I lost all touch of reality and sunk into a deep depression filled black hole. I pushed everyone away when I lost that last piece of Ax I had left. I turned to alcohol and spent as much of my hours awake as possible drinking anything my underage hands could find. My grandparents were still dealing with the loss of my mom, and either they turned a blind eye to my behavior or they just didn’t notice. Either way, I was completely alone again, with no hope of Axel saving me this time.

It had been almost eight months later when Dee burst into my world and slowly brought me back to life. The rest is, as they say…history.

History I didn’t think I would have to deal with again.

I don’t know how much time I spent lying in bed, looking off at nothing, remembering those early days. By the time my stomach starts reminding me I need to eat, lunch has long since passed. I pull myself up, mentally dusting myself off and start off for the shower. I don’t want to be weak again, and I am determined to be strong; to deal with this new f*ck you from fate. It is time to dump the old Izzy and start finding the girl I used to be.

Fifteen minutes later, I’m making the trek down to the kitchen, hoping to grab a quick bite to eat alone before I dive into my work. I have a few new clients that I need to email back; proposals to be approved and some sites that need routine maintenance work done. It is all pretty basic, but it will keep my mind busy and off of everything else swirling around me.

I had been working for a few hours when I hear the garage door open. “Damn,” I mutter, so much for having a nice peaceful afternoon. Someone coming in meant that I won’t be able to completely ignore life around me, which is just smashing. With an over dramatic sigh, I save and close out of the programs I have been working on, closing my laptop and straightening up all the paperwork I have scattered on the kitchen table.

Dee walks in, throwing me a sad smile right as I am pushing everything away. “Hey you, how are you feeling?” Ah, I was expecting her to at least attempt throwing her cheer at me. Guess even she understands how big last night was. Hesitation and this cloud of timid do not suit my friend.

“Better than last night, or at least I’m getting there.” I attempt a smile, but it feels forced. I’m sure it looks even worse because she gives a small flinch before sitting down next to me.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, and I respect that, really I do. We can figure this out later, and you know I won’t judge you at all if this is the way you want to play this. But, just let me say this and it will be the end of it until you’re ready, okay?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer, she knows what I would say if she did. “Here, he gave me this last night and…well, even though I’m not going to push, I think you should have this.” She reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out a small white card, sliding it over in front of my seat. She stands, giving me a small hug and whispers in my ear, “I won’t push, Iz, but I think you need to do something with that.” A small smile later and she walks out of the room, leaving me scooting back from the small card like it holds the plague.

After a nice inner smack down, I finally reach out and flip the card over. It shouldn’t come as a shock, I knew what I would probably find when I did, but never the less I still spit out a rapid burst of air.

Holt Reid

Corps Security

770.555.6839

If anyone were watching me, they would think I have completely lost it. Every screw is loose and I am, not only off my damn rocker, but I am running far from it. Hysterical laughter bubbles up before I can suppress it. Wiping the tears from my eyes, trying to calm down, I finally focus back on that stupid, stupid card.

Holt. He will never be Holt to me. I sit there, I don’t know how long…hours, minutes, hell it could have been seconds, just looking at his name in the elegant script; trying to figure out exactly who Holt Axel Reid is today. Is he married? My heart skips a beat at the next thought that filters through my mind…does he have children? It’s a logical question; we aren’t those blind by love teenagers anymore. It made sense that he had moved on, I had…even if it had been a laughable move I made. Why does he even want to talk to me? He obviously decided a long time ago that he was done with me. Fate is being a huge f*cking bitch by throwing us back in each other’s paths.

I stuff the card into the front pocket of my hoodie and pull my work out for the second time today; what can I say, me and denial are going to become best of buds.

Dee comes back a few hours later and asks if I want to order some take out for dinner. I could really care less but I tell her sure and to order whatever looks good. I know if I don’t at least act normal, or as normal as possible, she would start fretting and force me to talk. I am not ready. Four hours later, and two bottles of wine consumed between the two of us, I find myself sitting back in my girly room looking down at that small, white card again. Holt, Holt Reid. I’m sure the giggle that comes out this time sounds just as wonky as it did earlier, but I just can’t help it. How f*cked up was this whole thing. Holt…

It might be the stupidest decision that I have made in a long time, but I pick my phone up off the nightstand and slide my finger across the unlock screen. I add his stupid new name to my contacts and store his information. Opening up a new text screen and thinking what the hell, might as well, at least this way I don’t have to look into those brilliant green eyes.

Me: So, we go by Holt now, huh?

Axel ‘Holt’: Izzy?

Me: Ah, bingo…anyone else out there not know you as ‘Holt’?

Axel ‘Holt’: Plenty, Princess.

Me: No, I am not your Princess.

Axel ‘Holt’: Okay, so we are going to act like we’re still f*cking kids? You texted me, IZZY, so you tell me what’s going?

Me: I am not acting like a child. I just don’t understand why you even bothered to ask me to contact you. I think we can both agree the past needs to just stay there…in the past.

Axel ‘Holt’: No, I don’t agree with that. Not at all. Where are you? I’ll come to you; we are not doing this over a f*cking text.


Me: No, no. I don’t think that’s a good idea. If you’re dead set on dredging this back up, then fine, but we do this on my terms. I need to process this. I can’t just sift through all this in less than a day. You want to talk, fine…but not now.

Axel ‘Holt’: Process? What the hell is there to process? Where are you, Izzy? Not asking you again, and I am not f*cking doing this text message shit like a goddamn prepubescent little shit.

I really should have known better. Sighing, I set my phone down. There really is no point in continuing to argue with him, I did what I wanted to do and I asked him to let me have my time. If he can’t respect that, then f*ck him and closure be damned.

Ten minutes later my phones chimes. Then a minute later I hear the reminder beep, followed shortly by another chime. Damn.

Axel ‘Holt’: We will be talking about this Izzy. I know you, don’t you f*cking forget that. I won’t let you just forget me like you did before.

Axel ‘Holt’: Understand me this, if you think you can just ignore me and ignore this, then you are up for a big wake up call. You want f*cking time, fine. One week, that is all I’m willing to give. Next Saturday, I don’t care if I have to knock on every goddamn door in Georgia. I will find you and we will be having this talk. Got that?

Well, shit.

Me: One week, ‘Holt’, guess that’s going to have to be enough, isn’t it? I’ll let you know on Friday if I’m ready. Goodnight.

Axel ‘Holt’: If you call me Holt one more f*cking time I’m bending you over my knees, yeah? I am not Holt to you, and you damn well f*cking know it.

With a gasp of surprise at his audacity, I quickly turn my phone off and throw it across the room like it’s on fire. I definitely can’t deal with that.