He continues looking at me. “So what’s wrong?”
I take a deep breath. “You told me you hadn’t spoken to her in years.”
“Who…”
“Helen.”
“I haven’t.”
“Then why did I find a message from her in your email?”
He frowns. “What were you doing checking my email?”
“Trying to find out what else you might be keeping from me,” I snap, refusing to feel guilty for having spied on him. “I specifically asked you when you’d last talked to Helen and you said years, then I found an email from her about your conference. When were you planning on telling me about that?”
“Liv, there’s nothing to tell.”
“She said she’s planning to attend your conference next year, Dean, which means she’ll be in Mirror Lake. You didn’t think that was worth telling me? And why did you lie about having contact with her?”
“I didn’t lie. You asked me when I last talked to her, and it’s true that it’s been years since I have.”
“Don’t be an ass.” My fists clench, old insecurities and anger boiling into my chest. “You knew exactly what I meant.”
“Liv, it’s just an academic conference.” Irritation hardens his features. “You read the email, obviously… all Helen said was that she was submitting a proposal.”
“Did it even occur to you to tell me?”
“Why would you care who’s attending a Medieval Studies conference?”
My heart shrivels a little at the implication that I have no interest in his work. And at the knowledge that I have done nothing to actually express interest.
“I care if it’s your ex-wife, Dean.”
He sighs. “Look, I didn’t think it was a big deal, okay? Do I want to see Helen again? No. Do I give a damn if she presents a paper at the conference? No. She’s a scholar. She has a right to her career. She’ll attend the conference and leave, just like everyone else.”
He turns away to toss the remote onto the coffee table, his jaw set, as if that’s the end of the conversation. I walk to the table beside the sofa and open the drawer. My hand trembles as I take out the condom package and hold it up.
“What about these?” I ask.
“Condoms?”
“Helen was the reason you’ve been using condoms all this time,” I say.
Dean shakes his head. “Now what are you talking about?”
“She lied to you about birth control. That was how she got pregnant. And you told me you shouldn’t have trusted her.” I throw the box at him. It hits him square in the chest. “Did you not trust me either?”
“Liv, what—”
“You were the one who told me to stop taking the pill, told me you’d just use condoms.”
“I told you to stop taking the pill because it made you sick. Not because I didn’t trust you to take it.”
“What about the patch? Shots? You didn’t want me to use those either.”
“Because they’re also hormonal—”
“No, because you didn’t want me to be the one in control of it. Because of her.”
“Liv, for Christ’s sake, I’d never think that of you.”
“Then why? What man likes using a condom, Dean? For three years? There are a zillion other options out there, and you didn’t want me to use any of them!”
It occurs to me that it took me this long to even question his decision. I don’t know if that’s a measure of my own stupidity or of the simple fact that I’ve just never had reason to question him about anything.
He doesn’t look guilty or ashamed. More than anything, he just looks baffled.
“Liv, the condoms have nothing to do with Helen.”
“Don’t they?” My tears spill over. “You don’t want a baby with me because of what happened with Helen, right? Why else would you have wanted to wear condoms for so long?”
“Because you told me years ago that you didn’t want children!” Frustration edges his voice. He stands and approaches me. “I’m not… Liv, yes, Helen tricked me into a pregnancy that I didn’t want. But never once have I thought you’d do the same thing. Why would I have when you said you’d never wanted children anyway? Not to mention that I’ve always trusted you a hell of a lot more than I ever trusted her.”
“But not enough to tell me you were married before.”
“Liv—”
I hold up both hands. “I don’t want this anymore, Dean.”
“What?”
“This.” I gesture to the air between us and wipe my wet face and runny nose with my sleeve. “This crap that’s going on. I hate it. We had it good, didn’t we? Then I mention a baby and suddenly everything goes to hell. What the fuck happened? Don’t married people talk about babies and families? Why does everyone else manage to do it without all… this?”
“I don’t know.”
The fact that he just admitted that is enough to make my throat close. Professor West knows everything. Doesn’t he?
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier about Helen?” I ask.
“Because it was shitty. I didn’t want you to know about it.”
“You didn’t think I could handle it.”
“No. I wanted to protect you.”
“So you lied.”
“I didn’t lie.”
“By omission, yes, you did.”