His mouth tightens, but he can’t refute my statement. “Will there be a security guard?”
“Allie can hardly afford to pay me, Dean. She certainly can’t afford a security guard.” I force down my annoyance and reach across to put my hand on his chest. “There are at least four restaurants on the same street, a movie theater at the end of the block, and that incense shop that must be open until one. It’s safe.”
He’s still frowning. I curl my fingers against his chest. All we need is another thing to be frustrated with each other about.
“Allie needs the extra help, and I like her a lot,” I say. “I really want this job.”
He lets out his breath in a hard rush. “All right, but keep your cell phone with you.”
My shoulders stiffen. “I wasn’t asking your permission.”
“Good, because I wasn’t giving it.”
The air between us vibrates with unpleasant tension. I grab my robe and go into the living room, thinking my own company is now preferable to his.
Kelsey knows things are still strained between Dean and me. On Sunday night, she comes over to keep me company after Dean goes off to play football with some friends.
“You want to talk about it?” She settles beside me on the sofa and holds out a bowl of popcorn.
I take the bowl and glance sideways at her. “Did he tell you anything?”
“Night of the banquet, he said you guys were having a rough patch.” She pours a glass of wine and takes a sip. “That’s what he said. Rough patch. Like he was talking about stubble he forgot to shave.”
I smile, but my heart shrinks a little. Even though Dean would have to be an idiot not to realize we’re disconnected, it hurts to know he’s told Kelsey while he and I still haven’t worked through anything.
Kelsey pours a second glass of wine and pushes it my way. I look glumly at the popcorn and pick a few kernels, thinking back to how this marital discord all started.
“When Dean and I were dating, I told him I didn’t want to have children,” I finally confess.
“Oh.” Kelsey arches a brow. She doesn’t seem surprised. “Why not?”
“I had a tough childhood,” I tell her. “My mother was totally self-centered and lousy at parenting. I’ve never been all that confident I could do any better.”
“And Dean knows that?”
“Yeah. He was okay with it, too. Not having children.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Well, recently I was… I started thinking about it. Thinking maybe I could do better than my mother.”
“Seems natural enough,” Kelsey remarks. “I guess most women think about motherhood at some point. But that’s the reason you and Dean are going through a rough patch?”
“Partly,” I admit. “Just the idea made things… messy.”
And even though Dean and I haven’t discussed it in a while, the issue is still there, hanging over us like a shadow.
“He doesn’t even want to consider it right now,” I say.
“For what it’s worth, I think a lot of men are reluctant to have a baby at first.”
“It’s not just that.” I crumble a popcorn kernel between my fingers. “Dean’s spent the last five years thinking I didn’t want children. I’ve spent the last five years thinking that too. I didn’t expect him to jump right on board the baby train just because I might have changed my mind.”
“So what is it, then?”
It’s that I’m uncertain about my own husband’s faith in me. In us.
“Dean and I have always…” My breath hitches a little. “We’ve always been able to talk about stuff, no matter how awful. We’ve gotten through it together. But this… I mean, it’s a totally natural topic for a married couple, but with us… I don’t know. It’s like the very idea created all kinds of tension and doubt. Like something is…”
Wrong.
I can’t even say it. I can’t pinpoint the source of my unease. It’s more than Dean’s reluctance to have a baby, more than my own fears of inadequacy, but I have no idea what.
I shake my head and reach for the remote control. “Never mind. We’ll work it out. Did I tell you my cooking class started last Tuesday?”
Kelsey looks as if she wants to say more, but she accepts my dismissal and sits back to watch the movie she brought.
When Dean comes home, his clothes are stained with mud, he’s got a bruise on his cheek, and he smells like cold and wind.
I like the grubby athletic look on him, and since Kelsey is gone, I decide to follow him into the shower. Certainly not the first time I’ve done this after he returns home sweaty and adrenaline-charged.
I go through the bedroom to the closed bathroom door. I hear the shower running, and my heart speeds up at the thought of water and soap sluicing down his naked body.
It’ll be okay, I tell myself. We love each other. We’ll work it out.
But the door is locked.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
September 18