“What for?”
I shrug and chew on my thumbnail, nettled by the sense that there is something I don’t know about him when I thought I knew everything.
“You don’t even look at porn, do you?” I ask.
“Why would I look at porn?”
That makes me laugh. “You don’t know?”
“I’ve got you. I don’t need porn.” He scratches his head, looking baffled. “Where are we going with this? Do you want me to look at porn?”
“No.”
“Do you want to look at porn? Because there’s plenty of it, from what I gather.”
I study him for a moment. I don’t care about porn, but I’m curious about what one of us might do if the other one isn’t around sexually, whether because of physical or emotional separation.
Sex has always been a big part of our relationship, both for the usual reasons—pleasure, to connect, because we’re in love—and for intensely personal reasons that belong to us alone.
“Would it bother you if I did look at porn?” I ask.
“No. If you want to, go ahead.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Liv.” Dean gestures to his desk, which is piled with papers. “I’ve got a shitload of work to do. Whatever you’re here about, can we discuss it at home?”
“You haven’t been home much this past week,” I remind him. “And we tried to discuss it, but we never reached any conclusions.”
He folds his arms. “The baby you’re thinking about.”
“And you’re not.”
“Liv, you haven’t even reached a conclusion about what you want. What is there to reach a conclusion about together?”
“How would you have felt if that test was positive?” My heart thumps. He’s watching me, his arms still crossed, his expression wary.
“I don’t know,” he says. “But that’s a pointless speculation.”
“You didn’t even… wonder?”
He shakes his head. My unease deepens.
“Dean, when I told you I didn’t want children, you agreed with me. You said it was fine.”
“It was.”
“But what did you want?”
“I wanted what you wanted. I understood.”
“But even when we were dating…” A simmer of tension rises in my chest. “When we fell in love, you didn’t… didn’t ever think of us having children?”
“Why would I when you closed that door?”
“You never wanted to open it? Never pictured yourself as a father or me as…”
My voice fades. We look at each other for a long moment. Something is off. I don’t know what it is. Dean has always moved forward in life, always made things happen. So why hasn’t he ever imagined our marriage as… as more?
“Liv.” He slides his warm hand beneath my chin and lifts my face to look at him. “Not having children doesn’t make us any less married. Any less in love. It doesn’t make us any less a family.”
“It doesn’t make us more either, does it?”
He drops his hand to his side and steps back. “I didn’t think either of us needed more.”
“Not more than each other,” I say. “More with each other.”
“I have more with you than I ever thought I would,” he replies, his voice tense. “But if our marriage is suddenly not enough for you, then a baby sure as hell isn’t going to solve anything.”
“Why do you keep implying I’m missing something?” My spine prickles with irritation. “That I mentioned a baby because I need something to do, or because our marriage isn’t enough? Why can’t it be because we’re strong and happy together?”
“It can, but not now, Liv. Regardless of what you decide, I told you it’s a bad time.”
“Do you think there will ever be a good time?” I ask.
Dean sighs and drags a hand down his face. “I don’t want to have this conversation here,” he says.
“You don’t want to have this conversation at all.”
It’s a sharp retort that should bring me some satisfaction, but instead I just feel hollow. Because I know I’m right.
We’re avoiding each other. There’s tension. It’s lousy. Part of me wishes I hadn’t even opened this particular door. Why would I want to change anything about our marriage?
There was a time when I never thought I’d have the life I do now. Never thought I’d be safe or have a home. I certainly never thought I’d fall in love.
But all of that happened because I met Dean. He’s the one who turned my whole world right side up, who transformed all my warped ideas about relationships. Who proved that white knights really do exist. Who discovered alongside me that we are so much better together than alone. So why is the mere idea of a baby causing a rift between us?
I have no answer to that question. And I’m not sure I want one.
Tonight Dean is going to the banquet with Kelsey. She shows up looking classically sexy in a black sheath dress and a long strand of pearls. She wears almost no makeup except for bright red lipstick, which—combined with her disdainful expression—makes her look like Greta Garbo or Marlene Dietrich. With blue-streaked hair.