Chapter 21
Alex
“I think I might barf,” Jim Murdock says with a groan as he slides his chair back from the dining room table and stretches his legs out. “Is it bad manners to unbutton my pants in front of our guests?”
“It’s bad manners to unbutton your pants at the table, regardless if guests are here or not,” Penny Murdock says sternly, even though she has mischief dancing in her eyes.
I feel like I’m going to barf too, I ate so much food, but damn, Sutton’s mom can f*cking cook. I couldn’t stop eating, and as Garrett groans across the table from me, I can see he’s as miserable as I am.
“Well, the food was amazing, Penny,” I tell her as I push my own chair back and stretch out just a bit. “I ate way too much.”
“I was just trying to keep up with this little garbage-gut beside me,” Garrett says as he nudges Glenn with his elbow.
The kid gives Garrett a starry-eyed look and blushes scarlet. “No way. You’re like ten times bigger than me and ate way more than I ever could.”
“You are cold trippin’, kid,” Garrett says with mock anger. “You ate like five plates of food. I only had two.”
“Four,” Glenn counters.
“Three and we’ll call it even.”
“Deal,” Glenn says with a grin and then pushes away from the table to copy his dad and me. Garrett follows suit.
Sneaking a glance at Sutton, who sits to my right, a flush of warmth goes through me. She’s leaning forward in her chair, one elbow propped on the table, her chin resting on the heel of her hand. She’s watching the interplay between Glenn and Garrett with such a dreamy look on her face, completely in love with her younger brother and over the moon at the positive attention he’s getting. I love seeing how happy that makes her, but at the same time it causes a small pang of hurt to go through me because I never had a family member look at me like that. My dad’s gaze was usually too bleary and Cameron was lost in his own world, trying to ignore the f*cked- up relationship we all had.
As I watch Sutton, glowing with serenity and peace, I actually feel a bit envious of her. She had a shitty life to start out, same as me. But her life changed and mine didn’t. I’m not sure if the things we have in common drew us together, but I’m fearful the differences we have could cause a void because maybe I can’t be truly happy for Sutton and the life she’s made.
Shaking my head from those thoughts, and needing a bit of distance, I stand up from the table and grab my plate. “Come on, guys. Let’s clean up the kitchen.”
Glenn and Garrett stand up at my suggestion and start stacking plates. Penny makes a small attempt to intervene as she stands up. “You’re guests, Alex. You boys sit down and I’ll get this later.”
Before I can even say a word, Garrett says, “With all due respect, Penny, sit your butt down and let us clean up. You’ve earned the break.”
Sutton starts to stand to help but I give her a hard look. “You sit your beautiful butt back down too. You helped your mom cook. Us men will handle the cleaning.”
I look over to Jim but he just gives me a smirk. “Hey, my hard-earned money bought all this food. I think I’ll just sit back and relax.”
“Fair enough,” I laugh and then we get to work cleaning.
Okay, so two men in their mid-twenties and an eleven-year-old kid really aren’t the best at kitchen duties, but what we don’t have in efficiency, we make up for in determination.
It takes us over an hour to clear the dining room table, put the leftover food in containers and wash all the pots and pans. By the time we finish, I’m exhausted and looking forward to maybe some couch snuggle time with Sutton.
Garrett is in the dining room wiping down the table and as I dry my hands on a towel, I look over to Glenn, who just put the last container in the fridge.
“How’s school going?”
Shoving his hands in his pockets and looking at the floor, Glenn shrugs his shoulders. “Okay, I guess.”
I recognize the move…it’s one I did repeatedly when teachers would ask how things were at home. I was a pro at averting my gaze so no one would see the truth in my eyes.
“Hey, man,” I say as I walk up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. He finally looks up at me, so I continue. “If you need to talk about something…something that you can’t talk to your parents or even Sutton about, you can talk to me.”
I’m not quite sure why I offer this, because honestly, what type of sage advice could I give him? I have no realistic idea of what a normal childhood looks like, and God help me if he wants to talk about girls. Until Sutton, I never treated a woman decently in my life. Still, I give him a reassuring smile so he knows I mean the offer is good.
Shooting a quick glance in the living room, and satisfied no one is listening because Sutton, Jim and Penny are all sound asleep as a football game plays on TV, he says, “There’s this kid at school, who everyone picks on. When he comes to school, he’s always dirty, and smells bad. I think he and his mom may be homeless.”
My heart lurches when Glenn sneaks another glance at the living room, then turns back to me in a whisper. “Anyway, the other day some kids were pushing him around and I told them to stop…”
Glenn pauses and looks down with a shamed look on his face. “Hey, bud, it’s all right. You can tell me.”
He looks back up and a hard glint is in his eyes. He whispers again while leaning toward me, “They wouldn’t stop…and I just…I got so angry I got in a fight with the other kids.”
Of all the things I thought Glenn was going to say, I didn’t think that was it. My brain goes into overdrive, trying to think what an adult piece of advice would sound like, but Glenn doesn’t even give me a chance. “I ended up hitting one kid really hard and cut his lip.”
“Did you get in trouble?” I ask, fascinated over the prospect that Glenn was involved in a schoolyard brawl.
Shaking his head, he says in a low voice, “No…it broke up when the bell rang and the kid didn’t rat me out. I guess he was afraid he’d get in trouble for pushing the other kid around.”
“So what’s the problem?” I ask, genuinely not knowing why this should upset Glenn. To my way of thinking, he was a little hero. He stood up for someone weaker.
One more glance into the living room, and I notice that he’s looking directly at Sutton. Then his eyes come back to me, filled with regret. “Because…Sutton says violence is never the way. She says violence begets violence.”
I blink at Glenn hard, absorbing the almost biblical tone to his voice as he quotes his sister. He’s feeling shame over hitting another kid.
“But surely she’d understand,” I say, but Glenn is shaking his head, cutting me off.
“No…she lived in a violent household when she and Mom were with Cosmo. She’s been through things much worse, and she’s told me to always turn the other cheek.”
I almost rear backward over this revelation. I’m surprised first that Glenn would even know any such details of Sutton’s life before Jim rescued her and her mother, and second, I’m stunned that violence was part of the f*cked-up existence that Sutton lived in with her drugged-out father. Suddenly, I’m wishing I had punched Cosmo Price rather than shook his hand last week.
“What exactly did Sutton tell you about when she lived with her—with Cosmo?”
“No real details because she thinks I’m just a kid, but just generally things like hitting another person doesn’t solve a problem. She told me that she had been hit a lot and sometimes she wanted to react the same way, but she always told herself to be the bigger person. I want to be a bigger person like Sutton, but maybe I’m just as bad as Cosmo.”
Holy f*ck, but that’s a messed-up thought for any kid to have running through his head. Bending down into a squat so I can look Glenn in the eye, I tell him. “Look, Sutton’s right about what she’s saying. Violence shouldn’t be the answer. But sometimes…we all do things in a moment of passion. Sometimes we make decisions based on pure emotion, and sometimes they are wrong. Now, I don’t know if it was right or wrong that you hit that kid. Part of me wants to pat you on the back for it, because it was wonderful that you stood up for someone weaker than yourself. But all that really matters is that if you think it was wrong, then you are remorseful for it. It seems to me that you are.”
Glenn nods his head in understanding and, yup, there’s relief there. “Should I tell Sutton?”
“Only if you feel the need, buddy. Sometimes secrets are okay, but I’m sure if you told her, she would totally understand.”
“Yeah,” he says, his smile breaking wide. “She’s pretty cool.”
“The coolest,” I say emphatically. “How about I give you my phone number and if you want to call me at any time, you can.”
“Really?” Glenn asks, his eyes going wide.
“Sure thing. I can’t promise the best advice but I’ll help you figure it out.”
“Thanks, Alex,” he says and I stand up, reaching out to ruffle his hair.
“You two done with your bonding shit in here?” Garrett says as he walks back into the kitchen. “I’m ready to get my post-meal nap on.”
“Eavesdropper,” I accuse even as Glenn chortles. “And don’t cuss in front of the kid.”
Garrett snorts at me as he walks by and then grabs Glenn in a headlock as he drags him into the living room. “Kid’s heard far worse than that, I guarantee. I’ll give him my number too, that way he has a backup in case you’re not available.”
“That’s freakin’ awesome,” Glenn says, even as he tries to squirm out of Garrett’s hold before he gets a noogie on his head.
Rolling my eyes, I follow them in, because I’m positive Glenn has heard worse than that. At least I’m sensitive to being a bit of a better role model than Garrett and try to keep my cursing to a minimum when I’m in his presence.
As we enter the living room, Glenn lets out a squeal because Garrett indeed gives him a good noogie and the nappers all come awake with guilty looks on their faces for having dozed so quickly.
“Come on, brat,” Garrett says as he releases Glenn and gives him a slight push toward the front door. “Let’s go take a walk around the block. I’m afraid I’ll slip into a coma right now if I don’t.”
Glenn’s face lights up like he has just been awarded the Stanley Cup, and then they’re out the door.
Blinking at me with a sleepy smile on her face, Sutton stands up from the couch. I walk up to her and she pushes me down into her seat, and then crawls onto my lap.
Her mom, Penny, who’s sitting on the other end, smiles warmly at me. I cast a glance at her dad sitting across from us in his recliner, but Jim has his eyes glued to the TV, although there is a tiny tilt upward of his lips. I’m not sure if that’s approval of our display of affection or not, but I choose to go with it. Wrapping my arms around her, I sigh in almost contentment when she tucks her face into my neck and drapes one arm across my chest.
After a few moments, I note that Sutton’s breathing has slowed down and it appears she’s fallen back asleep. I rest my cheek on the top of her head and watch the football game. I’m a little drowsy from all the food but I resist the urge to fall under. For now, I just want to savor my existence at this moment.
I’m sitting in a family home, filled with kind and loving people. I just had a wonderful meal where we talked and joked. I helped a little kid with a problem and I have a gorgeous woman who I’m crazy about curled up on my lap.
If you had asked me two months ago whether I could envision myself here, I would have said not a snowball’s chance in hell. I have a hard time believing the reality of the situation.
Whether it will last or not, I don’t have a f*cking crystal ball. So the most I can do is relish these moments. I am trying to make myself open to all possibilities.
Last week, I admittedly got freaked out when Sutton made love to me. And yes, that was not f*cking and it wasn’t hot sex…it was making love. She rode me so slowly, with such consummate carefulness, I had never been that in tune with a woman in my life. I swear I could feel her blood vibrating through her veins and feel the heat emanating from her skin. Her eyes were so lustrously warm, they caused my own blood to fire painfully hot in response.
I was f*cking overwhelmed with feeling, and then I experienced what was singularly the most explosive, intensely focused orgasm I’ve ever had in my entire life. It went off in me so unexpectedly and with such quiet force, I swear I almost passed out from the ferocious nature of the spasms that racked my body.
When I drifted back down to earth and opened my eyes, I found Sutton watching me with naked emotion on her face. She was so open and vulnerable-looking, and I think she was searching for those same qualities within me, to see if perhaps we might have experienced a moment together that transcended the normal explosions of release we had experienced in the past. I couldn’t stand the thought that she was looking for something inside of me that probably wasn’t there.
I was afraid I’d let her down when she delved in deep and came up empty. I wasn’t prepared to see the hurt in her eyes, so I did the only thing that made sense, and that was to get out of bed and away from her probing gaze as quickly as possible. It only took a splash of cold water on my face, a serious look at myself in the mirror reminding me that there was a beautiful, naked woman in bed waiting for me, and I was ready to return.
When I found her getting dressed and noticed the jerky nature of her movements, the uncertainty of her posture, I knew that I had hurt her by leaving the bed. I knew that she knew that I was running from the deep feelings that had just been unleashed.
The thought of her disconnecting from me…the thought that I could have driven a wedge between us by some silly action, caused fear to stir deep in my belly. I wasn’t ready to let her go. I’ve always known that I’d probably hurt her in the end, but I sure as hell wasn’t ready to call it quits right then. Luckily, she let me kiss her. She knew I was doing it for distraction, for redirection, and she let me work my charms on her.
Within moments, we were back in bed and clawing at each other, lost once again to the haze of sex and lust that overwhelmed us.
“You two really are good for each other,” I hear Penny say softly.
Pulled from my thoughts, which were bordering on depraved, I sweep my gaze around the living room and see Jim has succumbed back into slumber. Reaching my hand up, I stroke the back of Sutton’s hair and she doesn’t move a muscle. She’s out cold.
Looking at Penny I ask, “You think so?”
“Absolutely, and I know a little something about people who are bad for each other and people who are good for each other.”
I nod in understanding. “I met Cosmo last week.”
“Sutton told me you did. I hate that you had to see him like that. He’s a decent man when he’s not using. I don’t like him going to Sutton like that.”
“She handled him well,” I tell her, so she knows that her daughter is okay.
“I know she can handle him. I just hate that she has to handle him. I wish she’d just cut ties completely, but she won’t. He’s still her father.”
I can empathize with that sentiment. I’ve thought long and hard about cutting my dad completely out of my life, but I’ve never been able to make the move. Sure, I still have bitter feelings over what he’s created, but for the most part we don’t deal with each other. He comes to a handful of my games and calls me on drunken rants to complain about some aspect of my game. Other than that, we don’t communicate, but for some reason, I just can’t imagine cutting ties permanently.
“You look as if you understand what I’m saying,” Penny murmurs, and I realize I’ve gotten deeply lost in memories without having responded to her.
“Yeah,” I say after letting out a long-held breath. “I know something about having a dysfunctional parent.”
“I’m sorry” is all Penny says and she doesn’t push for anything more. She just gives me that same soft smile, leaning her cheek into the palm of her hand. “Sounds like you and Sutton have something important in common and that’s always good. You can lean on each other.”
I don’t respond because I hate to tell her that I am not the best crutch for her daughter to lean on. While Sutton seems to have made lemonade out of the sour lemons in her life, I’m still swimming in the harsh acidity of having an abusive, alcoholic parent. It’s not something I’ve been able to let go of, and I see no way to achieve healing grace.
I hate to tell Penny—so I don’t—but Sutton and I have nothing really in common regarding our past.