Jack stood on the lawn in the rain, staring at his Dad’s house. His hair stuck to his head and his clothes were soon soaked through, but still he couldn’t bring himself to go inside. Callum had told him that the place needed some tidying up after Jimmy had trashed it and he couldn’t face that, not yet. Just another reminder of how he had failed him.
Instead, he got in his car and drove over to Ally’s. He had no idea what he was going to say to her, but he had to see her. Even if she yelled and screamed at him, it was better than this silence.
But when he pulled up outside her house, her driveway was empty. It felt as if his lungs were collapsing. The message she was sending was pretty damn clear. He had pushed her too far. There were no more second chances. He’d had his one shot to get this right, and he blew it.
With no idea what to do or where to go or how to fix anything, he headed for the one place he hoped he could find some peace.
He pulled up outside the cemetery gates and cut the engine. In the sudden silence, the rain drummed a steady beat against the roof of the car. He looked around him. On a day as wet and grey as this one, he hadn’t expected there to be anyone else here but him. But misery loves company, and there were three other cars parked outside the gate. Looking closer, he saw that one of them was Ally’s.
What was she doing here? Was she looking for the same thing he was?
He got out of the car and started up the central walkway, trudging through the steady stream of water running down the concrete path. The weather suited his mood, easing the near-constant ache in his head from the concussion, although the ache in his heart seemed to grow. With each step, new anxieties and self-doubts flooded through him. He had no idea if Ally was visiting his father’s graveside, but it seemed like a good bet. What reception would he get if she was? He almost turned back to the car and waited for her there, but something spurred him on.
When he finally saw her, he stopped. She was standing in front of his father’s grave, head bowed low, soaked to the skin. An involuntary shiver ran through him that had nothing to do with the weather. He stood there, glued to the path, watching her from a distance. Water dripped from his eyelashes and he blinked, running a quick hand over his eyes to clear them. She didn’t move for the longest time. He felt like he was imposing. Maybe she wanted to be alone?
A million thoughts rattled through him. Most of them didn’t even have words attached to them, just fleeting emotions, racing through his subconscious, leaving emptiness in their wake.
Grief. Love. Guilt. Shame. An all-encompassing desire to turn back the clock.
He didn’t even realise he had started walking again until she looked up and their eyes met. The rain made it impossible to tell for sure, but he thought she was crying. She slipped an arm out of one of her crutches and smoothed her wet hair back from her face.
“I didn’t know you’d be here,” he said, willing his voice not to break. “Just in case you think I’m following you or something.”
She slid her arm back into her crutch and shrugged helplessly. “I just wanted to… I don’t know. I think I just really needed to talk to him.”
Her eyes were red-rimmed and dark. He tore his gaze away from her to stare at his father’s grave. It was still covered in flowers, some of them now dying, some obviously fresh and new. He still had trouble relating this mound of earth to his father. He half expected him to come up behind him and put his hand on his shoulder.
“Callum told me what happened, the night of the accident. That’s why you left, isn’t it?”
It hurt to hear her say it, much more than he thought it would. She knew. He should feel relieved, some sense of having done the thing he set out to do should have flooded through him. Instead, he felt as if he stood on the edge of a very high cliff, waiting for her to push him over. In answer to her question, all he could do was nod.
“He said the car was leaking gas.”
He nodded again, his head pounding. She moved so she was facing him, and there was no escape from her penetrating gaze. She stood up straighter, tilting her chin in defiance. Where she found the strength to do that, he didn’t know. It was all he could do to remain upright when his entire body wanted to curl into a ball, his back to the world. Rain trickled down her face, softening her expression, but her eyes shone out at him like beacons in the dark.
“I know I’ve said this before, but I want you to really hear me this time. It wasn’t your fault. There’s no blame here, Jack. Do you understand what I’m saying?”