A Life More Complete

---Chapter 30---

The next morning I shuffle down to the lobby in my sleeping attire and a pair of gym shoes taking in the free breakfast of powdered eggs and rubbery bacon. Surprisingly it doesn’t taste as nasty as I gathered from the looks on the peoples’ faces that are sitting near me. I grab a free newspaper and read the latest headlines from the Naperville Sun. It’s been drizzling pretty steadily and the temperature has been topping out at a whopping sixty degrees, typical for May in Naperville. I look out the large sliding glass door that leads to the parking lot as it whooshes open and close with busy holiday travelers leaving for an early start. Finally, the rain has halted and the sky is a deep shade of pink. There may be some hope for a decent day.

I toss my plate in the garbage and grab a stale cheese Danish to go. Looking down at my phone as I make my way back to my room I nearly run into Kevin coming down the hallway.

“Sorry,” I say giggling. “This damn thing,” holding up my phone, “gets me every time. Such a distraction.” I try to move past Kevin but he stills me with his hand on my arm.

“Do you have a minute?” he asks.

“Do I look like I’m going anywhere dressed like this?” I ask, wearing a pair of old Cubs jogging pants with the bottoms cut off and a t-shirt with no bra.

Kevin laughs slightly before gesturing for me to head back toward the lobby. We take a seat at a small table for two near the exit of the hotel. I drop the Danish on the table with a small thud. Both of us glancing down at it before Kevin asks, “Are you really going to eat that?” His face looking rather distraught at the thought.

“Probably. I’m not as picky as I used to be since getting pregnant. When I’m hungry I eat.” I shrug my shoulders.

“It’s your stomach,” he says jokingly.

“So Kevin, I know you asked me to join you but, I’d like to apologize for last night. My behavior was out of line and it was inappropriate for me to be so rude when you were just trying to be nice. Please understand that it was in no way a reflection as to how I feel about you or Maizey.”

“No apology necessary,” he says kindly. “I wanted to talk to you while Courtney isn’t around.” I always find it strange to hear someone use her given name. It’s been over fifteen years since Rachel or I have called her that and it still stops me when I hear it. “I love her and she loves you which is why I’m sitting here.” I nod completely understanding where this is heading. “It’s killing her to watch you like this. If anyone is non-judgmental it’s her. Give her a chance. Let her in. You just might find she knows where you’re coming from.”

“Thanks Kevin. I appreciate it,” I reply looking down at my rock hard cheese Danish that suddenly seems rather gross.

“Whatever you do, please don’t eat that Danish, if only for the safety of my future niece or nephew. He smiles as he rises from his chair momentarily squeezing my hand before he walks away.

Back in my room I’m struggling to button my jeans as I lay on the bed sucking in my stomach that just won’t seem to go flat like it once did. I’m already working up a sweat wiggling and shimmying on the rumpled sheets when someone knocks on the door. I stand, reconciled to leaving the jeans unbuttoned, as I yank my sweater down over my pudgy belly.

I find Maizey standing outside the door with a smile on her face. “You wanna go to the outlet mall in Aurora?” She looks down at my pants that are stretched to an extreme. “I think it’s high time you bought some pants that fit.”

“I know. I thought I’d at least get a few more weeks out of my clothes, but shit, I’m miserable.” I pull my sweater down since it’s rolling up again.

“Stop crushing that baby,” she says poking my belly. “Kevin and Paul are spending the day golfing and then heading into the city for the Sox game. I figured we could spend the day together since we’re missing our fun filled weekend.”

“Sure. Rachel coming?” I ask.

“Yep. She should be ready in a few minutes. I’m gonna grab my purse. I’ll knock when I’m ready.”

“Sounds good.” I close the door and pull my sweater over my head. I quickly change into a loose fitting t-shirt and I tie a fleece around my waist somewhat masking the unbuttoned pants and the muffin top.

After an hour at the mall Rachel has bought a Coach purse and two dresses from J.Crew when we make our way over to the maternity store. Maizey suggests going in to buy at least one pair of pants that will not leave an indentation in the baby’s head. Rachel ditches us heading into another store across the way.

“What about these?” Maizey asks holding up a pair of jeans that look strikingly similar to the ones I have my butt currently crammed in.

“Perfect. Grab a 27 and a 28. I’m going to take a look up front.” I pull a few basic tanks and a couple of tunics from the rack and meet up with Maizey by the fitting rooms. Tossing the items onto the bench, Maizey flops down onto the floor leaning up against the wall. I begin to peel my jeans down but they get stuck around my hips. Working a little harder they give and I toss them onto Maziey’s lap. I grab the first pair of jeans in the size 27 and slip them on. They are much looser than my current pants, but I can see how in a few months these too will look as if I painted them on.

“Better,” Maizey agrees, “but I think you gotta go with the bigger size, so that you’re not doing this again in two or three months.”

“It’s like wearing pajamas,” I say pulling at the elastic waistband on the pants. “I could get used to this.”

I pay for two tanks and the jeans, which I end up wearing out of the store. They are far more comfortable than pouring myself into my ill-fitting skinny girl jeans sans button.

“I’m starving,” I tell Maizey. “I’m going to get a pretzel. Do you want anything?”

“No, I’m fine. Go ahead. I’ll wait for Rachel,” she says taking a seat on a bench outside the maternity store. Meeting back up with her a few minutes later with a pretzel and lemonade in hand I sit down next to her. The silence between us begins to wear thin and now I know it must be a family trait to need to fill the silence.

“You know you don’t have to stay with him, right?” Maizey asks looking straight ahead. “He doesn’t deserve you. I’ve always liked Tyler, but I think I have an idealized view of him. He came into my life when I really needed someone to care for me and he was that person. But my view on a lot of things has changed. You and I were young. It’s hard to see things for what they really are when you’re young. He’s always been a jerk, but there were times when he made you happy. He doesn’t anymore.” She stops there, reaches over and pulls a piece of pretzel from my hand. Taking a bite she looks at me expecting something profound.

Reconciled, I sigh, “I don’t know what to say anymore. We have history and I have faith that I made the right choice. I know everything isn’t the way it should be, but I can’t give up on him. I wish I could.”

“I understand. I’ve been there. When your mother kicks you out at seventeen you do what you have to just to get by. That’s why I stayed with the first Kevin as long as I did. He took me in when I needed it and I thought it was love. You’ll reach your breaking point. Pressure from me or Rachel or Gia won’t make you leave. You have to do it on your own. Just know I’ll be here when you finally break.”

She finishes just as Rachel walks up carrying an obscene amount of bags and a huge grin on her face.

“Cleaned the place out,” she says proudly.

“Poor Paul. Does he have any idea what he got himself into?” I ask, shaking my head at her. My phone vibrates in my purse and I dig through it as if I’m searching for a diamond ring someone tossed in there. I pull it from my bag with too much force and far too much excitement. It’s hard to hide and both of my sisters look at me with interest.

“Important call?” Rachel asks. I don’t answer as I click on the most recent text message. My heart is beating against my chest with such force that I feel like it might finally give way. This would be the first time that Tyler has contacted me after an argument and I feel like this is the moment I’ve been waiting for. A breakthrough. I’m not that lucky.

Ben: Just heard about your dad. I’m so sorry for your loss. Call if you need anything.

Rolling my eyes, I want to slap myself for even thinking that there was the possibility that Tyler would actually admit wrong doing. I feel like a complete moron for allowing my sisters to see my excitement. I text him back.

Me: Thanks. It’s been strange. Shopping with my sisters right now.

Within seconds he responds,

Ben: Sorry about the thing with Melinda. I don’t know what I was thinking. I never meant to hurt you.

Me: No reason to apologize. You’re free to date whomever you want. I just wish she’d said something. A bit of a shocker.

Ben: I wasn’t thinking. It should have never happened.

Me: No biggie.

Trying to play aloof in text is much easier than in person. I can’t tell him that him dating Melinda devastated me.

Ben: I hope you’re doing ok. I imagine this is hard on you.

Me: No. I’m over the you and Mel thing.

Ben: No, your dad.

I shake my head. Sometimes I’m so dumb.

Me: Oh, yeah. It’s tough. But I’ll be ok. Thanks for asking.

Ben: No problem. Take care.

The thought crosses my mind to tell Ben that I’m alone, but that just seems like I’m leading him to say something bad about Tyler. I already know he’s a better person than Tyler. At this point, anyone is a better person than Tyler. I let it go and when I look up from my phone my sisters are staring at me.

“Was that him?” Rachel asks almost shocked.

“Are you kidding me? No.” I reply indignantly. I begin to walk toward the car with Rachel and Maziey whispering behind me. I speed up my pace as if I can get away from them. I’m about to be trapped in the car with them so I might as well face it. I turn around just before reaching the car.

“Go ahead, Rachel. Say it. I know you want to. Tell me what a dick Tyler is and that I should leave him. Badger the shit out me. Just get it over with.”

“Fine!” she screams. Shouting in a mall parking lot with my sister has a very Jerry Springer feel to it. “You’re so damn busy worrying about his feelings. How he feels, protecting him, defending him. When’s he going to reciprocate? When will he save you? The kicker is, he won’t! You’re the only one who can’t see it. He’s got you all wound up waiting for him. This is exactly what he wants. It’s a game to him. You’ll never win!”

Everything she says is true and I wish I could admit it and leave him. How did I end up in this situation? Desperation, that’s the only word to describe how I got where I am right now. Frantically I scramble into the car to avoid anymore looks from the quiet, shopping patrons that paused to check out the show taking place in the parking lot. I want to fight back, but I don’t have it in me anymore.

“Please stop reminding me.” My voice is soft and sad. “I’ll figure this out. I just need time. I understand what this looks like to you. I know I look desperate. I look like a loser. I get it. This isn’t me.”

After several long minutes of excruciating silence my voice cracks through making it impossible for us to ignore each other any longer. We’ll sweep it under the rug. It’s what we do best and we learned from the best, our mother. Whenever there was any kind of turmoil, whether it was an argument between my mother and Tom or between my sisters and me, we always fled from it mid-fight, leaving it to fester only to emerge eventually as if nothing happened. There was never any resolve. It would stay buried until the next blow up. Today is nothing different.

“You guys want to eat at Maggiano’s?” I ask knowing that the only thing that will make our day better is food.

“Abso-freakin-lutley,” Rachel hoots from the backseat, reaching around with her arm encircling me with a headlock. She places a kiss on my temple and releases me. The irony is lost on her. My life with Rachel mimics my life with Tyler. I know she’d beg to differ on the subject so I don’t bring it up.

Rachel and I have always been argumentative. It’s the nature of our relationship, but that doesn’t mean that sometimes it doesn’t hurt.