A Hunger for the Forbidden

chapter THIRTEEN

MATTEO DIDN’T BOTHER with alcohol this time. He didn’t deserve to have any of the reality of the past few hours blunted for his own comfort. He deserved for it to cut him open.

He shifted into Fifth and pushed harder on the gas pedal. Driving always helped him sort through things. And it helped him get farther away from his problems while he did it. But Alessia didn’t feel any farther away.

She was with him. In him. Beneath his skin and, he feared, past his defenses.

Those defenses he had just given all to protect.

You aren’t afraid of losing control, you’re afraid that if you feel you’re going to have to face the guilt.

That was just what he was. Afraid. To his very core.

He was scared that if he reached a hand out and asked for redemption it would truly be beyond his reach. He was afraid that if he let the door open on his emotions there would be nothing but pain, and grief, and the unending lash of guilt for all he had done, both under his father’s influence, and the night of the fire.

He was afraid that he would expose himself, let himself feel it all, and he would still fall short for Alessia. That he wouldn’t know how to be a real husband, or a real father.

He was afraid to want it. Afraid to try it.

She wanted him to fight for them. Nothing good came from him fighting.

Except the time you saved her.

Yes, there was that. He had always held that moment up as a banner displaying what happened when he lost control. A reminder that, as dangerous as he was in general, it was when he felt passion that he truly became a monster.

He pulled his car over to the side of the road, heart pounding, and he closed his eyes, let himself picture that day fully.

The fear in Alessia’s eyes. The way those men had touched her. The rage that had poured through him.

And he knew one thing for certain in that moment. That no matter how blinded he was by anger, he would never hurt Alessia. He would never hurt his child. No, his emotions, not his mind, told him emphatically that he would die before he let any harm come to them.

That he would give everything to keep them safe.

He had been so certain, all this time, that his mind would protect him, but it had been his heart that had demanded he do whatever it took to save Alessia Battaglia from harm. It had been his heart that had demanded he spend that night in New York with her.

And it was his heart that was crumbling into pieces now. There was no protecting his defenses, because Alessia had slipped in beneath them years ago, before they had fully formed, and she was destroying them now from the inside out.

Matteo put his head on the steering wheel, his body shaking as pain worked its way through him, spreading through his veins like poison.

Something in him cracked open, every feeling, every desire, every deep need, suddenly acute and sharp. It was too much. Because it was everything all at once. Grief for the boy he’d been, for the man his father had become and what the end had done to both of them. Justification because he’d done what he had for his whole family. To free everyone. To free himself. Guilt, anguish, because in some ways he would always regret it.

And a desperate longing for redemption. A desperate wish he could go back to the beginning, to the start of it all, and take the path that would form him into Alessia’s white knight. So that he could truly be the man she’d seen.

Alessia. He thought of her face. Her bright smile. Her tears.

Of meeting her eyes in the mirror at a bar, and feeling a sense of certainty, so deep, so true, he hadn’t even tried to fight it.

And he felt something else. A light, flooding through his soul, touching everything. Only this time, it wasn’t brief. Wasn’t temporary. It stayed. It shone on everything, the ugly, the unfinished and the good. It showed him for what he was, what he could be.

Love. He loved Alessia. He had loved her all of his life.

And he wasn’t the man that she should have. He wasn’t the man he could have been if things had gone differently.

But with love came hope. A hope that he could try. A hope for redemption. A hope for the future.

For every dirty, broken feeling that he’d unleashed inside of him, he had let loose the good to combat it.

He had never imagined that. Had never believed that there was so much lightness in him.

It was Alessia. His love for her. His hope for their future.

He might not be the man she’d once imagined. He might not be the man he might have been in different circumstances. But that man was the one that Alessia deserved and no less.

So he would become that man. Because he loved Alessia too much to offer her less.

Matteo picked up his phone, and dialed a number he rarely used if he could help it. But this was the start. The start of changing. He was too tired to keep fighting, anyway. Too tired to continue a rivalry he simply didn’t want to be involved in. A rivalry created by his father, by Alessandro’s father. They both hated those bastards so what was the point of honoring a hatred created and fostered by them?

No more. It had to end.

“Corretti.”

“It’s Matteo.”

“Ah, Matteo.” Alessandro didn’t sound totally thrilled to hear from him.

“How is everything going? In terms of unifying the business?”

“Fine.”

“Great. That’s not exactly why I called.”

“Why did you call, then? I’m a little busy.”

“I called because I want to make sure that as we unify the company, we unify the family, as well. I … I don’t want to keep any of this rivalry alive. I’ve been holding on to some things for far too long that I need to let go. This is one of them.”

“Accepting my superiority?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

Alessandro paused for a moment. “You aren’t dying, are you?”

“It feels like it. But I think it will pass.” It had to. “I don’t want to carry things on like Carlo and Benito did, and I don’t just mean the criminal activity. If we have a problem, I say we just punch each other in the face and get it over with, rather than creating a multi-generational feud.”

“That works for me.”

“Good. See you at the next meeting.” He hung up. It wasn’t like he needed to hug it out with his cousin or anything, but he was ready to start putting things behind him. To stop shielding himself from the past and embrace the future.

A future that would include Alessia.

Alessia looked up when the Ferrari roared back onto the grounds. She was standing in the garden, doing her best to at least enjoy the waning sunlight. It was better than the whole dissolving-into-never-ending-tears bit.

Matteo left the car in the middle of the drive and strode into the yard, his eyes fixed on hers. When he reached her, he pulled her into his arms, his expression fierce. Then he lowered his head and kissed her. Long. Deep. Intense.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, her face wet, tasting salt from tears. She didn’t know whose. She didn’t care.

She didn’t want to ask questions now, she just wanted to live in this moment. When they parted, Matteo buried his face in her neck and held her tight. And she held him, too. Neither of them moved, neither of them spoke.

Emotion swelled in her chest, so big she wasn’t sure she could stand it. Wasn’t sure she could breathe around it.

“I love you,” he said. “I have never said it before, Alessia. Not to anyone. Not to a woman, not to family. So when I say it, I mean it. With everything I have, such as it is. I love you.”

A sob broke through her lips and she tightened her hold on him. “I love you, too.”

“Still?”

“Always.”

“You were right. I was afraid. I’m still afraid. But I can’t hide anymore. You made it impossible. I want to be the man worthy of that look you used to give me. I want to be everything for you, I don’t just want to take from you. I was content to just take that light you carry around in you, Alessia. To let it warm me. But you deserve more than that. So I’ll be more than that. I’m not everything I should be. I’m broken. I’ve done things that were wrong. I’ve seen things no man should have to see. But I will give you everything that I have to give, and then I’ll reach deep and find more, because you’re right, you deserve it all. And I want you, so that means I have to figure out a way to be it all.”

“Matteo, no, you don’t. You just have to meet me in the middle. And love will cover our shortcomings.”

“Just meet you in the middle?”

“Mainly, I just need you to love me.”

“That I can do, Alessia Corretti. I’ve been doing it for most of my life.”

“You might not believe this, Matteo, but as you are, you’re my knight in shining armor. You are flawed. You’ve been through unimaginable things, and you love anyway. You’re so strong, so brave, so utterly perfect. Well, not perfect, but perfect for me. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted, the only man I’ve ever loved. And that will never change.”

“How is it that you see me, all of me, and love me, anyway?”

“That’s what love is. And you know what? It’s not hard to love you. You’re brave, honorable. You were willing to cut off any chance at having your own happiness to try to protect the people around you. To try to do right. You’re the most incredible man I’ve ever known.”

“Quite the compliment coming from the most amazing woman. Your bravery, your willingness to love, in spite of all you’ve been through, that’s what pulled me out of the darkness. Your light won. Your love won.”

“I’m so glad it did.”

He put his hand on Alessia’s stomach. “This is what I want. You, me, our baby. I was too afraid before to admit how much I wanted it. Too afraid I didn’t deserve it, that I would lose it. I’m still afraid I don’t deserve it, but I want it so much.” He leaned in and kissed her lips. “I’m not cold anymore.”

“Never again,” she said.

He wrapped his arms tight around her and spun them both in a circle. She laughed, and so did he. Genuine. Happy. Joy bloomed inside of her. Joy like she’d never felt before. Real, true. And for her. Not to keep those around her smiling.

“We agreed on one night. This is turning into a lot longer than one night,” he said when they stopped spinning.

“It is,” she said. “All things considered, I was thinking we might want to make it forever.”

“Forever sounds about right.”