A Cowgirl's Secret

Chapter Nine

“Hurry, pumpkin.” Daisy sifted through Kolt’s sock drawer to find a pair of navy ones to go with his khaki pants and cobalt shirt and tie. “We don’t want to be late.”

“I don’t want to go.” Kolt sat on the foot of his bed. He had bare feet, his shirt was buttoned crooked and his cowlick had never been more pronounced. Adorable, but not exactly the perfect image she was sure Luke’s mom wanted to present. “I’ve never been to church.”

Would the piles of guilt ever lessen? “It’s actually nice. Lots of pretty singing, and probably you’ll get introduced to lots of your grandparents’ friends who want to give you hugs.”

“I don’t want strangers hugging me.”

Sighing, Daisy stood. “Put on your socks and shoes. I need to grab earrings.”

“Why are you going?”

“Because I want to.”

Fifteen minutes later, Daisy opened the front door to Luke. She wore white slacks and a pink blouse, and she’d curled her hair and taken extra care with her makeup. “Good morning. Hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to tag along.”

“Um, sure.” Luke cleared his throat. “You look great.”

“Thanks. Kolt’s almost ready. Just finishing a bowl of cereal.”

“What kind does he eat?” He reddened. “Stupid question, huh? I find myself wanting to know everything about the little guy. He’s fascinating. Like I want to count his fingers and toes, but I guess the bus left the station on that one.”

“I am sorry,” Daisy said, remembering all too clearly the moment she’d first held Kolt in her arms. Aside from the wonder of it, she’d felt very alone. “If it’s any consolation, at his birth, I wished you were there.”

Luke’s expression hardened. “No. That’s no consolation at all. Am I even listed as his father on his birth certifi—”

“Okay, Mom! I’m done!” Kolt raced into the living room from the kitchen. “Hey, Luke.”

“Hey, yourself. You’re looking good this morning. All the old ladies at church are going to want to kiss you.”

Kolt made a face. “That’s what Mom said. Do I have to go?” On his way out the door, Kolt kicked it. “We never went in San Francisco.”

“It’s good to try new things. Plus, they have donuts and strong black coffee. Puts hair on your chest.”

Kolt made another face.

“Not even food bribes make you want to go?”

Fastening his seat belt, Kolt shook his head.

“I suppose if it’s all right with your mom, we could skip church and catch up on chores around the house. Get down and dirty. Muck a few stalls.” Luke put the car in gear and aimed it down the drive. “I’ve got a couple feed buckets with grain in them that need cleaning. They got wet during that rain we had the other night and I haven’t had time to scrub ’em. The feed most likely soured. Might have a few maggots in it.”

“I love maggots!” Kolt declared. “They sound way more fun than stupid church.”

“What do you think, Mom?” The way Luke referred to her made Daisy inordinately happy. Truthfully, she’d enjoy nothing more than a lazy Sunday morning spent watching her guys work. “Sounds like a great idea. You get out of being kissed and hugged and Luke gets chores done. It’s a win-win.”

Especially for her!

“Only what would you think, bud, if we leave your mom here. I don’t think she’ll be much good to us if we’re doing man work.”

“Yeah,” Kolt said as Luke backed up the Jeep. “Mom doesn’t do good dirty work.”

“If it’s all right with you,” Luke said to Daisy, “after we finish up, I’ll probably take Kolt over to my folks’ for Sunday lunch.”

“Um, sure,” Daisy said past the lump in her throat. Was Luke really so opposed to spending time with her even in a casual, family-oriented way? Opening her door when Luke pulled up to the porch stairs, she gave the guys as cheerful a wave as she could muster, considering she’d just been voted out of their club. “Have fun.”

“We will!” Kolt was already diving for the front seat as Luke drove away.

For the longest time Daisy stood there, watching them go, trying to convince herself she wasn’t feeling stuck in a pit of gloomy despair.

So what if her boys didn’t want to be with her? She was already dressed for church, so she’d tag along with her mother. Then they’d have a gloriously civilized lady’s lunch. And then, nice and full from far too many carbs, Daisy would fling herself across her bed and cry herself to sleep.

“LOOKS GOOD,” KOLT’S DAD SAID, nodding at the lawn the boy had just mowed, “but you’ve got some clumpy parts that need to be raked.”

“I’ve never raked in my life,” Kolt whined. “And it’s hot.”

“Yup.” While Kolt worked on the lawn, his dad got to have all the fun with the hose and maggots. “The rake’s hanging on the barn tool rack. Grab it when you put the mower back where it goes. That wheelbarrow alongside the front porch would be a good place for you to put the grass clippings. Then you can dump it all in the compost bin.”

“You’re making me into a slave.”

“You’ll survive. When I was your age, I had to mow a yard twice this size every week.”

When Kolt got back from the barn, it was like a million degrees hotter. He drank some of the ice water his dad had brought out, but it didn’t help much in cooling him off. “Did your dad help?”

“Nope,” Luke said. “The whole thing was my responsibility. It was tough, but when I finished, it felt good seeing it look so nice. Once you figure out how doing chores is actually important instead of boring, they won’t seem so hard.”

“I don’t even know what that means.” The rake was about eighteen cajillion feet taller than Kolt and he kept accidentally hitting himself in his leg. The spiky parts hurt.

“It means one of these days, when you have a family and house of your own, you’ll be glad you learned how to do all of this stuff.”

“Oh.” Kolt supposed that made sense. Not that he ever wanted to get married, because girls were just gross. “Luke?”

“Yeah?” his dad answered, using a second rake to work alongside him.

“Did you want a kid?”

“Very much. Ever since I grew up, I’ve wanted a son. That’s why I was sad that your mom kept you a secret.”

“I know.” Kolt rested his forehead on the rake’s handle. “I don’t get why she didn’t just tell me about you when I was a baby. And now she says I have to stay away from Henry and that Uncle Dallas kicked him off the ranch. But that doesn’t seem right. He was nice to me.”

“Maybe so.” His dad didn’t take a break. “But I’m pretty sure you need to follow her directions. People aren’t always as nice as they seem.”

“Okay.” Not wanting to look like a lazy little kid, Kolt had raked and raked until his arms felt as if they were falling off. Uncle Dallas and Cash said it was good to work hard, and Kolt wasn’t really sure why, but a squeezy feeling in his stomach made him want his dad to know he always did his best.

“How about a drink of water?” His dad held out the jug and Kolt took a long gulp. “Looks like we’re about done here. Ready to move on to something else?”

“Can we brush the horses?”

“They don’t need that right now,” Luke said after taking another drink for himself, “but their stalls need cleaning. Would you help with that?”

“I guess. But brushing’s more fun.” Kolt followed his dad into the barn where they traded rakes for pitchforks and a wheelbarrow.

“True,” his dad said, “but this is just as important.”

After a long time while they were both just quiet and working, Kolt said, “On TV, dads seem more like they know what they’re doing. How come you seem like you’re not always sure?”

Luke laughed. “How could I be? We hardly know anything about each other. I don’t know your favorite color or foods or even which football team you like.”

“I like basketball better than football.”

“There you go.” Luke sat on a pile of hay bales, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “That’s a perfect example. If I knew you better, I’d know stuff like that. Just like you’d know I love football, but only if the Sooners are playing. Want to go to a game with me this fall?”

“Sure.”

Once they’d finished and gone inside to clean up to go to Luke’s parents, Kolt stood on the front porch, waiting for Luke to get his cowboy hat. The just-mowed yard smelled nice. Looked nice, too. So did the barn. Kolt wasn’t ready to tell anyone, but standing out here by himself, looking at how pretty everything was, he kind of understood what his dad had meant about how chores made you feel good inside. Kind of like when he made high grades at school.

“Ready?” Luke asked, slapping his hat on his head.

“Uh-huh.”

Once they were in the Jeep, Kolt asked, “Do you think it would be all right if, after lunch, we get me a hat like yours?”

His dad gave him a long, kind of funny look, then nodded. “I think that’d be real nice.”

A WEEK LATER, LUKE FOUND HIMSELF on the front lawn of Weed Gulch Elementary for his son’s first day of fifth grade. For seven-fifty in the morning, the temperature was already climbing.

“This is embarrassing,” Kolt said, shooing Daisy away when she stepped in close for her annual first-day-of-school snapshot. “Stop!”

“Just one more,” she promised, pressing down his cowlick. “Luke, stand next to him. I want one of you both.”

“Mom, please…” When a group of three older boys walked by, Kolt grew even more upset.

“What’s wrong with you?” Daisy asked. “You used to love having your picture taken.”

“I know,” he said, messing up his hair, “but that was back when I was a baby. Now that I’m old, I can’t do stuff like this anymore.”

“Okay.” She took one more candid shot. “I’m done.”

“You’ve got both of our cell numbers if you need us, right?” Luke asked.

“Yes! Leave me alone.” He ran off toward the entrance.

“What’s the procedure now?” Luke asked.

Daisy said, “I generally walk him in, and make sure he gets settled. We met his teacher a few days ago when I picked up his supply list, so I don’t especially need to see her again, but it’s always good to sign up for PTA or find out if the class needs room moms.”

“How about dads?” Luke might be new to the whole elementary-school scene, but he wanted in on everything. He’d already missed so much of his son’s life. He wouldn’t be absent a second more.

“Sure. Back in San Francisco, Kolt attended private school, but most parents were involved.”

Inside, it didn’t take long for Luke’s eyes to adjust. What took longer was getting used to dozens of pint-size bodies darting like atoms through the halls.

Aside from a fresh paint job and new bulletin boards, the place didn’t look all that different from when he and Daisy and all of her brothers had attended. It even smelled the same. Like dirty sneakers and super-strength cleaning solution.

“This is a trip, isn’t it?” Daisy led the way to Kolt’s room. “Seems like just yesterday when we were here.”

“You were the hottest little third-grader I’d ever seen,” he admitted. “Those braids of yours drove me wild.”

“Stop,” she said with a giggle.

They waved at Dallas’s wife, Josie, who was a kindergarten teacher, and then stepped into Mrs. Olsen’s room.

Cheerful rainbows hung from the ceiling and on the walls grew a paper garden with all of the girls’ names written on flowers and the boys’ on snails, frogs and squirrels.

The desks had been arranged in five groups of four and potted ivy, goldfish and a hamster lined the windowsill. The scent of fresh orange slices was a vast improvement over the odor in the hall.

Kolt stood with two other boys, one taller than him and one shorter. All of them had their supplies spread across the desks and from the looks of it were trading pencils.

“Does Kolt have cool pencils?” Luke asked, surprised to find his pulse racing, hoping his kid was well liked. Suddenly Luke’s own issues were no longer important. In a remarkably short time, Kolt had become his world.

Daisy whispered, “Transformers were the best Dollar General had.”

“Next year, we’re going to Tulsa.”

She elbowed him. “I’d hate to see what you’d do if we ever had a girl.” The minute the words left her mouth, she covered it. “That came out wrong. I know we’ll never have another baby. The two of us. Maybe apart. Hopefully…well—I’m going to shut up.”

“I get it, Daisy.” Luke knew what she was saying and in another world, one where she had never left and he had never had his heart broken by her, her sentiment might have come true. But no matter how special sharing this occasion with Kolt may be, it was all Luke and Daisy would ever have.

Kolt caught sight of them and waved them away.

“Come on,” Luke said, hand on Daisy’s upper arm. Just touching her triggered a wave of overwhelming need, but he ignored it. That was the sex talking. An area in which they’d never had a problem. A fact proven by the kiss he’d given her not too long ago. “Let’s leave the kid alone.”

“First, tell me you know I didn’t mean what I just said. I was kidding.”

“Lord,” he said, raking his fingers through his hair, “this is neither the time nor place. Leave it alone.”

“I can’t.” Tears had pooled in her eyes. Had he been a weaker man, they might’ve been his undoing. “I want you back in my life—as a friend—and for starters, I’m willing to take your smallest scraps.”

“Stop.” In the hall, with what felt like half the town streaming around them, he said, “You’re stronger than this. Begging doesn’t suit you.”

“I need you to know I’m willing to do whatever it takes, for however long, to earn back your trust.”

“I get that, but…” He looked away. At the next room over, a little girl clung to her father, crying that she didn’t want him to go. A pang shot through Luke. A fear that the man would never be him. Would Kolt ever want to give him a hug? Would Luke one day experience the joy of being a father from the start of a child’s life? “Trust isn’t easy to come by, Daisy. It’s not a tangible item to be picked up at the store. Once gone, sometimes it never comes back.”

Raising her chin, sporting a look of defiance he hadn’t seen since she’d bought her first bottle of Jack Daniel’s, she said, “Get over yourself, Luke. I’m not asking you to marry me. Just to be my friend.” Raising her hands only to slap them at her sides, she said, “Honestly, would that be so hard?”

“In a word—yes.” Because if he were to surrender himself to her again, only to have her turn away, Luke feared he might never recover.