‘It hasn’t been that bad…’
‘You said that we’d do it next year,’ she said, her eyes tearing up slightly. ‘So why not this year? Why not now? I just feel…’ she paused, took a shaky breath, her voice cracking a little, ‘that if we don’t do it now, we might never do it. There’s never going to be a right time.’
He looked at her, then placed his fork on his plate and reached out a hand to cover hers. ‘Oh, love. I do understand. I really do. But you’re reeling from the redundancy. It was a shock, right? And I think… I think you’re hurt too, aren’t you? Because those bastards worked you so hard then got rid of you when it suited them…’
‘Well, yes, but…’
‘And you know,’ he said, reddening, ‘I loved the idea of moving to France, you know I did. But when confronted with the – ah – reality…’ He looked at her. ‘I’m just not sure I can do it.’
‘Are you saying, then,’ she said, her voice unsteady, ‘that it’s not just a “wrong timing” thing for this year. But you’ll feel this way,’ she breathed, shakily, ‘next year too?’
His mouth wobbled slightly. ‘I… I’ll be honest, Lily,’ he said. ‘I just don’t know. Maybe… maybe it’s just I don’t feel ready… Maybe… I’ll be ready next year. But…’
‘Maybe you’ll never be ready?’ she inserted into the silence.
He nodded, confirming all her worst fears. It was like a punch to the gut. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘But you promis—’
‘I know,’ he said, sadly. ‘But look, we can um, think about it for a bit, hey? Nothing wrong with having dreams.’
‘I…’
‘Anyway I think, when you’re feeling like this – you know, low from the redundancy and everything – it’s better not to make any rash decis—’
The secret that she’d been keeping since Saturday morning suddenly felt more urgent and enormous than ever. She felt it heave inside her, bursting to be released.
‘Ben, I’ve bought a house,’ she said, rather more bluntly than she’d planned.
‘—ions. You’ve what?’
She calmly fixed her eyes on his. His hand, placed over hers, stiffened. She felt her heart thundering against her ribs. ‘Ben, I’ve bought a house in France.’
‘What? When? How…?’ he looked at her, incredulous.
‘Listen,’ she said, ‘I didn’t mean to go behind your back. I was just… well, it was the other night. I’d had… I mean there was a lot of wine. And I… I was just looking at properties. I wasn’t… I think I wanted to book a holiday or something, but not… Obviously not buy anything. But then in the morning I realised I’d clicked “buy it now” and committed to buy a place.’
‘Ahh.’ His shoulders relaxed and he smiled broadly. For a moment she thought he was going to throw caution to the wind. To leap up and say, ‘You’re right! Let’s do this!’
But instead he said: ‘Oh thank god for that. You know you’re not legally obligated to buy the place, then? It’s only… I mean, eBay can’t get you to… it’s not exactly a second-hand pair of jeans. Just tell them you’ve made a mistake!’ He shook his head fondly, relieved to have solved the problem, and stuck his fork confidently into a fresh potato.
‘No, Ben,’ she said, firmly. ‘I can’t.’
The potato crumbled under his fork. ‘What do you mean?’ he said.
‘Well, for starters, the guy who’s selling is a mayor, and the… well, he’s in charge of the police in the local area. And he’s written to me with full expectation that I’m going to come and sign.’
‘But, Lily,’ he said, his brow furrowed, ‘you know more about France than anyone. You know that these little local mayors don’t have any real power, don’t you? He can’t have you arrested and thrown in a dungeon for making a mistake on eBay.’
‘But…’
‘And I’m sure eBay will refund his listing, or relist his property or whatever. Plus, we can’t afford…’
‘But, Ben, don’t you see? This could be such a great move. It’s forty grand. We’ve got it… just, and we can sell this house, then fund the renovations. I can run holidays! Retreats! You can help. We’ll have an adventure… we’ll…’
‘Lily, stop.’
‘We’ll grow stuff in the garden, you’ve always wanted to grow vegetables…’
‘But I…’
‘Or what about…’ she said, thinking desperately. ‘How about we just give it a year? A year trying out this kind of life? A year at the French farmhouse to see whether it fits us… then we could…’
‘Lily, stop.’ Ben’s voice was firm. She looked at him and saw his face, pale with anger. His mouth was a thin line.
‘What?’ she said, feeling her stomach sink.
‘This is insane. You can’t just buy a house on a whim, then move countries without planning things, without working out how to open a business, or even viewing where you’re going to live. You need lists and plans; to think it all through properly.’
‘You’re not serious?’ she said. ‘You know I’ve – and I thought we’d – been planning this, making lists, thinking about it for, what? Twenty years? Christ, Ben, I’ve been doing French evening classes for the last two years. OK, my French isn’t perfect but…’
‘Look,’ he said, more gently, squeezing her hand. ‘I know it’s been a lot. And perhaps I haven’t… maybe I haven’t taken you as seriously as I should have. Maybe I’ve made promises without really… well, without thinking properly about the reality. It’s been, well, a bit of a stressful time at work for me. But that’s no excuse. I should have…’
‘Yes,’ she said, unbending. ‘You should have.’
‘OK, look,’ he said, brushing back his hair. ‘Maybe we could compromise. Book that longer holiday you were thinking about. For next summer, once Ty’s settled. Maybe not a month, but a fortnight or something. I could take time off, or work remotely. We can… maybe we can get it out of your system that way.’
‘Get it out of my system?’ she said, incredulous.
‘You know what I mean.’
‘Ben, listen!’ She pushed his arm away, not wanting to be comforted. Wanting him to understand.
He looked at her, his expression unreadable.
‘You’re probably right about the house. About the legal side of it. In fact, you definitely are. But it’s not that… it’s more…’ She took a deep breath and looked directly at him. ‘Ben, I think this is something I have to do. And maybe the bid was a mistake, but it’s given me something – us something – that could change our lives forever. I’m asking you to take a chance on this. On me, I suppose.’
He was silent for a moment. Then shook his head, slowly. ‘I can’t.’ His eyes were as wide as Ty’s used to be when refusing to eat cabbage. This was a serious, definite no.
‘You can! Come on! We can reclaim our lives… we can…’
‘I just can’t,’ he said sadly. ‘I’m not… I’m not built like you, Lily. I like travelling a bit, for holidays. And I thought… When we talked about France in the past, I wasn’t lying. I sort of liked the idea of doing it. But when it became real… Lily, the thought of moving to a whole new country where we don’t know anyone, don’t know how things work, trying to start from scratch, set up a business… It’s just too much.’
‘Oh Ben… but I can…’
‘I know I don’t love my job. But I like it enough. And it pays the bills. It’s steady. I suppose I’m boring, but I like things to be steady.’
‘But you always…’
‘And look, loads of people say they might emigrate one day, but hardly anyone does. So when we spoke about it, I suppose I was just… Well, you were so excited about the idea. It was nice to let you have your… eh, fantasy. But I just… Lily. I can’t do this. I just can’t.’
Lily could feel something inside herself sinking. This was really, truly a no. Not only a no for taking a leap of faith now. But no to ever actually moving over. All those conversations. The promises of ‘next year’ which always seemed to be pushed back. All those times when he’d nodded along. Had he been humouring her?
‘And what about what I want?’ she said, her voice unexpectedly thick with tears.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, pushing his chair back. ‘I just can’t.’ He stood up, his jaw clenched.
‘But, Ben!’
He turned and disappeared into the living room. Seconds later, she could hear the sound of the motor racing on TV.
As she sat there, rigid with a combination of stress and shock, she wondered whether she’d always agreed to his delays – his promises of future dates and next years, because on some level she’d known. Known that his heart wasn’t in it and been scared to hear him admit it.