It’s my turn to sigh. Oddly, I’m not on the verge of tears, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m numb or in denial or because if I let myself go, I’m afraid I’ll be right back to where I was.
I’ve only blacked out twice since Jonah walked out yesterday. I figure that’s a victory of and in itself. But then again, it’s hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.
“I realize I didn’t ask you ahead of time if I could tell—”
“Chloe.” He takes a step closer, and I can finally smell him. It’s spicy and warm and sexy and it makes my senses and resolutions go fuzzy. “It’s not like you needed my permission to tell him.” He swallows. “We already had that discussion months ago.” His half smile that I love quirks, but it’s sad. “Technically, we fought and nearly tore each other’s throats out, but in the end, we talked, and he told me he knew, and I told him the truth.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what else to say. But I force myself to take a step back.
He runs his hands through his hair and steps away, too. There’s a space between us now, one that I think we both understand is necessary, if at least for today, even if it’s becoming increasingly difficult not to just launch myself into his arms. “I get why you left. It pisses me off you did it, but I understand.”
We stand in the kitchen in silence for a long time. A lot of questions circle round my head, but I don’t know if I have a right to ask any of them. I don’t know where I stand with Kellan at the moment. He’s my Connection, yes. I still love him, yes. But I abandoned him and hurt him and have decided, once and for all, that I want to spend my life with his brother, even if his brother wants nothing to do with me.
And if he’s reading my emotions, he must know that. Right?
“When I was gone,” I finally say. “Did you two . . . were you close again?”
He’s twisting the cuff on his wrist. “We live under the same roof nowadays, if that’s what you’re asking.”
I don’t know how to feel about that. I’m glad that they’re together again, but . . . it also means that Jonah’s no longer living in our old home. And yet, my apartment is apparently still there waiting for me if I want it.
“Are you . . .” I wonder if I even have a right to ask. “How are you?”
He looks over my shoulder. “Part of me wants to not tell you. Walk right through the door and leave you wondering like you left me for months. I knew you weren’t dead—being the son of somebody who lost his Connection due to death, I know what that can do to a person—but I didn’t know. And that’s messed up, Chloe.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“It’s also fucked up because, during those times in which I was so angry I wanted to break everything in my apartment, I also eventually came to the realization it’s exactly what I did to you, too. I may not have run away without a word, but for eight months, I left you in the dark.”
I stretch out a hand—not to touch him, which I ache to, but because I need him to stop this. “Do not turn this around on yourself. If anyone is apologizing today, it’s me.”
“You tore me apart when you left,” he says. “It wasn’t the first time. I doubt it’ll be the last. But here’s the thing. I’ve learned to live without you in my life over the last few years. You and I, we’ve done this dance far too often. I hold you at an arm’s length, we come together, and vice versa. It’s . . .” He shakes his head sadly. “I think if we ever went to see a shrink, they’d say we’re completely dysfunctional.”
I focus on my breathing. In. Out. In. Out.
“You tore me apart,” he continues, “but you absolutely gutted my brother.”
The tears that minutes before I thought were gone forever find their way home after all.
“I’m not saying that to shame you, because I think we all know that you carry more guilt in you than most people could ever bear.” He passes me a paper towel so I can mop up my face and blow my nose. “I’m telling you this because I think you need to know.”
Will breathing ever be an easy task again? I tell Kellan, “He’s done with me.”
I try not to disintegrate when Kellan doesn’t disagree.
“Earth to Chloe.”
I flinch from Will’s snapping fingers. He sighs and drops down next to me. “You need to eat.”