Cameron and Molly’s apartment is nice—homey, albeit dusty and mostly knickknack free, which makes sense since they left it behind years ago. It’s a four-bedroom, so there’s more than enough room for us all, including Erik. And since we came with a duffle bag each of clothes and personal items, I get to work right away with replacing key items, not to mention clean sheets, bath towels, and toilet paper.
“You’re quite handy to have around,” Will tells me after he requests a hand duster. Nell snuffs at my new creation. “Although we still need to go to the store soon for food and the like.” I laugh at this, but then he says, more seriously, “Don’t you have a phone call you need to go make?”
It’s pathetic to admit, but, despite my overwhelming need to hear his voice, see his face, I’ve so far avoided texting Jonah. There’s this fear that I’ll only distract him during a mission that requires him focusing on his safety, but if I’m being honest, I’m also terrified of finally standing trial for the choices I’ve made over the last year.
No, that’s not fair. Jonah isn’t the sort who’d judge me, but he certainly has every right to have the opportunity to hear what I have to say and have his say in return. And Kellan deserves that chance, too. I haven’t been fair to either of them.
I haven’t been fair to myself.
“Look,” Will says, setting the newly made duster down on a nearby kitchen counter, “if you aren’t ready, you don’t need to make the phone call.” He props his hip against the granite. “This Jonah of yours deserves a proper apology and explanation. If you’re not in the right frame of mind to do so, then I suggest you wait until you know you’ll be able to do a bang-up job.”
I don’t take offense at what he’s saying. If anything, I’m excruciatingly grateful that Will’s brutal honesty acts as a firmly yet lovingly placed reality check. “I appreciate that, but I’ve waited long enough.” I twist my hair up and tie it back with a rubber band I create. Then I bend down and scratch Nell’s belly. She flops over, kicking a leg. “I wish you could have this talk, too.”
He knows what I mean. A long breath escapes him as he plants both hands against the counter. “You know what? I wish I could, too.” His head tilts toward me, a low, bitter laugh passing through his full lips as he tugs on his ear. “As tough as it will be for you, at least you have the comfort of knowing, good or bad, when you guys talk, it’ll be . . .” I watch his eyes close, his shaggy hair swing side-to-side as he groans. “If I were to confront Becca, tell her how I felt—still feel about what she did—it’d be pointless, you know? Within a few hours, she’d forget, and we’d be back at square one the next day.”
I could fix this, I think. Cora could fix this for me. I could send her to Glasgow and nobody would ever know that I’ve called in a personal favor. She could heal Becca, and maybe Will would finally have his closure.
Only, Cora and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms at the moment since I abandoned her, too. Dammit.
Will pushes my cheap Alaskan cell phone toward me. I say his name, load that one word with love and questions, but he picks the duster back up. I watch him leave the kitchen, his shoulders stiff and weighted down.
Someday, I promise him silently, I will help you like you’ve helped me.
In my new bedroom, as I turn my new phone over in my hands, I wonder if my old phone is still in my old apartment. Wonder if that apartment is even mine anymore, and what happened to all of my stuff. Did Jonah leave everything there, hoping someday I’d come back? Box it all up and put it in storage, not knowing what else to do? Sell it in a fit of anger and betrayal? Surely my parents don’t have my things, as they made it clear that I was out of their lives.
But all that stuff? They’re just things. Whether or not I get them back . . . I’ve made my peace with letting them go, except for possibly the ring I took off my finger before running. Jonah’s what matters. Jonah and Kellan and all the people I love whom I left behind.
Zthane says Jonah ought to be en route back to Annar sometime in the morning, which means I can’t let this go on any longer. As Will pointed out, good or bad, I need to explain to him what I did, and how I feel. Starting with: Hi, it’s Chloe. I’m back in Annar. If you have time, can I see you and Kellan tomorrow?
It’s lame and fairly ambiguous, but texting my feelings to him isn’t going to solve anything. I chew my lip until it’s bloody during the three minutes it takes for Jonah to answer, consoling myself but petting Nell. We’ll be in Annar in 16 hrs. Where are you?
This is the part I dread—admitting I’m staying with someone else. But I do. I tell him I’m at a friend’s, including the address. And I don’t know why it surprises me when he’s clinical with his answer, but it does.
10am okay?
It’s just so—I don’t know. Normal. Like I haven’t been away for half a year after abandoning him. But he’s extremely guarded with his emotions, meaning there’s no way he’s going to show any of his hands to me right now, especially in a text.
I know him well enough to know this.
So I tell him ten o’clock is fine, even though it’s only 2 hours after he’s supposed to return. And then I prepare myself for a long night of nervous waiting.