“I can feel your confusion, Chloe. I know how much it terrifies you, loving me as much as you do. But you do love me. And you can go around telling everyone how happy you are with Jonah, how perfect your Connection is, but you and I both know that it’s the biggest lie in Annar. Because things are not okay. If they were—if you were absolutely, one hundred percent on the Jonah train—things wouldn’t have happened between us this week and you know it.”
I search for my voice. “I’m trying . . .” He waits, but the words I want to say won’t form in my mouth. So I tell him the truth, too, even though the words hurt like hell. “I tried to let you go. I can’t.”
His anger softens. “You’ve been happy with me this week. I know you’ve been drowning in guilt, too—but you’ve been happy.”
There’s no denying it. And that’s what finally breaks me. Tears gush out, hot and heavy.
Any hope I’d ever harbored of things becoming okay for the three of us dies a cruel and final death.
Kellan leaves me alone for the next few hours. He dropped me off at the house and then left, saying he needed distance away from me to think. Caleb refuses to talk to me. It’s not hard to assume he’s disappointed. Probably disgusted, too. I’ve spent the better part of this time miserable.
My stomach aches and burns. I want to throw up, but I’m too afraid that once I open those floodgates, I won’t be able to stop for hours.
I’m on the porch on one of the Adirondack chairs, wrapped up in an old, oversized sweater I’d found in his closet when Kellan drives up. He climbs the porch slowly, hands stuffed in his pockets.
“This sucks,” is what he says first.
Agreed.
He’s determined, though, to keep going. “Chloe, it seems like I’m the one who pretty much laid myself bare today with what I want—”
“But you didn’t. You told me how you’re feeling about everything, but not once did you tell me what you want.” I realized that earlier, while I was wallowing in a vat of great self-pity, just like he predicted.
He sits on the second step from the top and faces the ocean. “I assumed that was clear, especially after this week together.”
I come to sit next to him. His smile is tight. “I want you, C. I want this.” He trails his fingers lightly across my knee. “I want us.” His hand moves away. “More importantly, I want you to want it, too.”
I lean my head down against my knees, against the spot still tingling from where he stroked me. Telling him the truth is like ripping my heart out, but I do it anyway. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
His quiet laugh is swept away by the roar of the ocean. “That’s the thing, isn’t it? Jonah and I, we’re certain about what we want. You don’t have a clue—and haven’t for a long time now.”
I reach out to touch his knee. “I do know I love you.”
“You love him too. The love you have for my brother—it’s like a beacon. Sometimes, I can’t even stand to be in the same room as you two. The love you guys have blinds me.”
Breathe, I tell myself. Keep kicking. Keep yourself above the waterline.
“Do you ever wish you’d picked me?”
I struggle to answer his question, which was said with so much vulnerability that I can feel myself sinking under again. No is probably the best, truest answer, yet also a huge lie. I’ve never regretted Jonah and what we have once. And yet, I still have these feelings for Kellan, stronger than ever. “It’s . . . complicated.”
“But you want me to fight for you.”
I’m startled by this. “What?”
“I feel it in you. Yeah, you’re conflicted. But this week, you’ve also been very . . . possessive of me, I guess. And you’ve wanted me to be possessive of you, too.” His fingers brush the base of his neck, where the mark I’d placed there is now just a smudge. “I will, you know. Fight for you, I mean. I’ve wanted to this entire time. Every single day, I wake up and think, Today is the day I no longer give a shit about making my brother happy. Today I’m going to grab happiness for myself. But I don’t, because I fear it would tear you up. But now . . .” He places his hand against my cheek. “This could work, Chloe. We can work.”
His offer is so tempting, but I suddenly realize—despite how much I love him and want him, now more so than ever before—I can’t sacrifice what I have with Jonah, at the expense of Jonah. Or at least, can’t right now. Maybe never, but then, I didn’t ever expect something to happen with Kellan again, either.