He sits on his surfboard, arms wrapped loosely around his knees. “Yes.”
Was it before or after we almost had sex on the beach? “Are you blocking him?”
He slowly shakes his head. How often has he let Jonah into his mind this week? Is he trying to tell his brother the truth he deserves when I can’t?
Evil girl I am, I order, “Block him now.” Kellan’s eyebrows shoot up. Even though I have no way of knowing if he’s done it or not, I continue, “He hates that we’re here together.”
“No. Really?” When I glare, Kellan says, “No offense, C, but his suggesting we come had everything to do with making sure your needs were met while ignoring his.”
Pain radiates from the wound I’ve created on my inner lip, but I continue to chew on it with gusto. “You knew?”
“I guess I’m surprised you didn’t. What did you think? That he’d magically become okay with us being together? He’ll never be okay with it.” His fingers search for his cuff, but it’s back at the house. “For that matter, I’ll never be okay with you being with him, either.”
It’s the first real admission on his behalf in a long time.
“You never talk about this with me,” I whisper.
“Why would I?”
“Because . . . it’s how you feel.”
“So?” Our eyes meet, and I’m unnerved by the amount of pain he’s finally letting me see. “It’s been clear since the day you decided Jonah was the one for you that my feelings are irrelevant on the matter.”
I sit up on my knees. “That’s not true and you know it.”
“Do I? Because, frankly, you haven’t ever indicated otherwise.”
I’m furious. “I’m indicating it now.”
He matches my fury. “On the heels of my brother calling you, no less. How very convenient. So now you get to have your woe-is-me pity party while wringing your hands over what you’ve done while he’s been gone and get me to—what? Apologize for unfairly seducing you or something?”
Caleb practically basks in his gloating in the back of my mind over the train wreck unfolding in this moment. Me? I’m drowning. I don’t know if I can keep my head above the water line for much longer.
“You want my true feelings on all this, Chloe?” Kellan rises on his knees in front of me. “You want to know how I’m feeling about my brother coming tomorrow? Pissed off.”
I’m mute in desolation. My stomach spasms painfully.
“You want to know how I feel about your upcoming”—he flashes air quotes, to add well-deserved insult to injury—“wedding? Pissed off is far too nice of a phrase to even begin to define how I feel about it. Every time I allow myself to even remotely entertain the horror I’m going to face—” He yanks at his hair. “Did you know that when you break a bunch of bones, the pain is so intense it pretty much overrides everything else? Going into shock is even better. Is that good enough for you? Is that real enough?”
The spasms intensify until I nearly bowl over. I’m beyond horrified. Why did Fate do this to us? Why?
And yet, I’m doing this to him. He’s destroying himself because of me.
“There are times I hate my twin brother. There are times when no amounts of alcohol or sex or adrenaline or pain can mask the agony I get from this fucking Connection I don’t want. But guess what? My feelings pretty much are null and void on the matter. Because all you have to do is pull my strings and I’ll jump up and do whatever it is you want. I have no control over my feelings—me, an Emotional. Do you get what that’s like, Chloe? How fucking ironic it is?” He laughs bitterly. “Is that real enough for you?”
I can’t see clearly, the tears are so thick. “I’m sorry—”
“Jesus. Stop. I’m not . . .” He runs his hands through his wet hair; black chunks go wild around his face. “None of this was meant to elicit any kind of guilt trip on your behalf. I know this weird sense of guilt you carry around eats you up. It’s . . .” He shakes his head, calmer. “I know you didn’t ask for this, either. Stop apologizing so much. It’s pointless.”
My chest hurts from holding back sobs. My stomach is on fire.
“This week.” His fingers force my chin up so I have to meet his eyes. There’s too much there to process. “Yeah, I felt guilty at the beginning. But you know what? I don’t anymore. Because, wanted or not, guess what? You. And I. Are Connected. And there’s not a goddamn thing Jonah can do about that, no matter how much he tries.”
At this point, my breath is shallow. It’s the only way to keep going.