“Kellan, it’s not your fault,” Jonah breaks through, but it’s only a momentary finger in the dam’s hole.
“You were dying,” Kellan continues on ruthlessly, stealing all of the air out of the kitchen and the bedroom I’m in. “You were dying, Jonah. Chloe was kidnapped and ...” His fist hits the counter again. “She almost died, too. When I found her, she was ...” He closes his eyes oh-so tightly. “You were in a bed, dying, and she was in that house, dying, and I’d been in some shitty bar in Mexico City, drinking my fucking brains out. That is not okay, J.”
Jonah tries to lay a hand on his brother’s shoulder, but Kellan jerks away.
“Sophie came after Chloe because of me. She gave you up to Enlilkian because of me. Because of me, the two most important people in my life were almost killed. All because I was such a selfish asshole who was okay with treating a woman like a piece of garbage that I could just throw away once used.”
“Yes—okay. You treated her horribly, but ... Sophie also suffered from a break with reality. You heard the report, heard what Enlilkian did to her. Besides, this has nothing to do with Sophie. She’s gone now. Out of our lives. We now have a chance—”
“You two almost died,” Kellan ruthlessly continues, ignoring Jonah’s rationale as he points a finger. “And I did die and now I am no longer a Magical and I no longer have Connections to the most important people in my life. And while that’s maybe justice on some level, I’m still a selfish enough bastard to resent you two together. So, J ... you have to let me do this. I cannot go on living any other way.”
My skin hurts from fear. No, no, I want to scream. No. He is not about to say what I think he’s going to say.
“Sophie gets her second chance.” Both hands go to his hair and pull it. “With her craft stripped away from her, she’ll get to live a life where maybe she’ll be happier. Healthier. I want my second chance, too. I may not deserve it, but J ... I’m begging you to sanction having my memory blocked and let me go somewhere I might have the smallest chance of grabbing happiness for myself.”
He said it anyway, a bullet fired straight through my heart. And he claimed he couldn’t shoot a gun.
“You can do that here,” Jonah argues. “You just have to give it time. We can buy another place, move so you can have some distance. We can even leave Annar, move back to California—”
“Do you hear yourself?” Kellan asks. “Do you understand how absurd you’re being? You are not going to move. I refuse to let you do that.”
But Jonah keeps on going. “There is no reason to do what you’re thinking. Kellan, we can give you all the space you—”
“No.” Kellan moves closer and drops a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You know that won’t work. You can feel my resolution, can’t you? You know I will always love and want Chloe. Connection or no, that isn’t going to change, whether you live in the apartment above me or across town or whether I’m on a different plane. You know the resentment I feel toward you. And you know it eats me alive because of how much I love you. How is that going to benefit any of us?”
“I can’t do what you want, Kellan.” The anguish in Jonah’s voice destroys me. “You think it isn’t hard for me, too, not having your voice in my head?” A hand, the one he’s been clenching over and over, presses against his heart. “You think that this isn’t affecting me, too? You’re not the only one who is having a hard time with all of this, Kel. I lost here, too.”
“I know,” Kellan says. “And that kills me, too. Which is why this is the best solution.”
Jonah shakes his head again, faster now.
“I’ve talked with Zthane already. He’s willing to risk the Council’s wrath by okaying my requests, but I’d really rather have you in my corner and agree to it so he won’t lose his job over being a good friend.”
“Don’t do this,” Jonah’s whispering.
“I’m asking you to do to me what you guys are going to do to Sophie. I want my memories fully blocked.” While Kellan’s voice shakes, it’s also weirdly calm at the same time. “Kiah Redrock has agreed to do it. And, while I’m down with her and one of the scrub Emotionals on the team, I’d really rather it be you, J. You in my mind, one last time. I’d like you to replace our years together with a history you think I can deal with. And then make sure they know to drop me off in ... hell, some city I’ve never been. Let me build a new life, one where I can’t be the asshole who hates his own twin brother and is in love with his wife.”
I drop the screen. I can’t watch anymore. I thought I’d saved him in that house, but he’s leaving me—no, us—anyway. We’re losing him anyway.
Oh my gods. OH MY GODS.