“This is ridiculous,” Jonah says. His voice is brittle, like if he let go of control even for the slightest moment, he would break. “Kellan. You’re just—this is all new. All these changes. You have to give it time, time to adjust. We all do. You can’t—”
“I am no longer a Magical,” Kellan says in that same infuriatingly in control voice. “I am no longer fit to serve on the Guard. I am no good on missions. Will ...” He laughs quietly. Ruefully. “Him and his damn sword. I’m no good with swords, J. I can’t even fire a gun straight.” And then, more softly, “Worse yet, I can’t even hear my own brother’s voice in my head anymore.”
Jonah’s chest heaves in sharply.
“You know, it’s funny ... for so many years, you and I have battled over how much we love Chloe. How she’s the love of our lives. How the Connections we had with her—you still, me once—defined us so starkly. But, I’ve come to realize over the last few days this isn’t completely true.” The corners of Kellan’s lips hint at an upward curve. “Because, J, the Connection that defined me the most is the one I had to you.”
He pries the mug out of Jonah’s white knuckled hand.
“I can no longer hear the most important person in my life,” he continues, “and I cannot stand it.”
“Kellan,” Jonah whispers, “it’s—it’s hard, yes, but we will—”
“I love you,” Kellan tells his brother. Tears course down my cheeks in hot, guilty paths as I desperately hold in the sobs clamoring in my chest and throat. “Gods, I love and admire you so much. You have protected me my entire life. We’re five minutes apart in age, but you have always been the older, wiser brother with all the responsibilities while I got to goof off. When the Old Man raged, you took the brunt of his fury. When we got in trouble, whether or not it was my fault, you took the blame. You held us together when Mom died, and then Joey, and then Hannah. You think you’ve failed me over and over, when ...” His smile is now bittersweet. “You’re my hero, J.” He waves a hand around. “All this with Chloe? Damn, bro ... it’s not your fault. Not mine, not hers—it’s nobody’s fault but Fate’s. And I’m fucking tired of letting Fate dick us around.”
His head is turned away from me, but I just know that Jonah’s eyes are blurry with tears that match my own.
“The problem is, I love her too. Gods, oh so much. When I finally realized we were no longer Connected ...” His head tilts to the side. “I wondered if I could move on. I hoped for it, actually. But ... I can’t, J. Connection or no, I love her. I am in love with her. And I fear I always will be, as long as I am around you two.”
Fists punch through my chest and into my heart over and over until breathing is impossible.
“You will meet somebody else.” My heart breaks twelve times over at Jonah’s quiet desperation. “I know you will. Things are different now. Happiness is not out of your reach.”
“That’s the thing.” Kellan steps closer, until he and his brother are nearly one person, they’re so close. “Here? In Annar? It is. It always will be.”
Jonah goes so still that part of me wants to run down into that kitchen right now. Stop this. Stop whatever horrible thing is coming.
“I am in love with her. Not because of a Connection. I know this now. I. Am. In. Love. With her. And I resent you so much for being the one she chose.”
Breathe, Chloe. Breathe.
“Kellan,” Jonah tries again, but Kellan shakes his head.
“There are times, I’ve wondered if I hate you. You, the person who I love more than anybody. And I cannot stand that, J. I cannot stand feeling that way about you. If I stay here, that hatred will cling to me like a godsdamn cancer. I will love you and hate you and it breaks my heart every single day even knowing that I am capable of feeling this way toward you.”
It’s Jonah’s turn to shake his head, over and over.
“Jesus. I am so happy for you guys. I am. It’s fucked up, but it’s the honest truth. I am so happy that the two people who mean the most to me in all the worlds have each other. But while I’m happy, I despise it, too. Jealousy eats me alive. I can’t live like this, J. I can’t. It’s not fair to me, and it’s sure as hell not fair to the two of you.”
“Kellan, please,” Jonah says, hand clenching in and out, but Kellan cuts him off again.
“Sophie got her second chance at life. Don’t think there isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t kick myself for treating her the way I did—like she was some kind of disposable plaything that served only to mask my pain. If I’d never done that ...” His hand curls into a fist as it smashes down against the counter. “If I hadn’t been so selfish, she’d never have gone after Chloe the way she did. You never would have had to fight your way back from death.”