14
Em: Is it happening now?
Me: We’re in the car going to the restaurant.
Em: Don’t put out on the first date. He’ll never buy the cow if he can motorboat your boobs for free.
Me: Omg, stop now.
Em: Make sure you show him that bra, though, it’s my best one!
Me: I’m turning my phone OFF now.
Em: No glove, no love!
“What’s so funny?” Lucas asked, giving me a quizzical look as he stopped at a red light.
I quickly hid my phone in my purse before more of Em’s X-rated texts could come through. “Just sister stuff,” I answered.
“You’re not telling her to call you in an hour with an emergency so you can get out of this date, are you?” Lucas said suspiciously. “Because you gotta give a guy a chance.”
“No, I told her to save her gaping head wound for the two-hour mark,” I replied. “The whole point is to get a free meal out of you first, obviously.”
“That’s my girl,” Lucas said with a grin.
My girl. I recalled how on the night of Oleg’s party those same words had filled me with rage. Now I felt my chest fill with anticipation and bubbly excitement. I was surprised at how little nervousness I was feeling, actually. Though Lucas might not know it, this was my first date—ever. I should have been white-knuckling it, but instead I felt giddy. Lucas, on the other hand, seemed pretty cool on the outside, but I had the feeling he was a little apprehensive about tonight.
When we first got into the car, he’d accidentally put it into reverse instead of drive, and he kept turning on the windshield wipers by mistake, even though it wasn’t raining. He blamed in on the fact that it wasn’t his car—and thank God, because this one was worse than the last one. One door was a different colour than the rest of the car, and my seat was stuck in a leaned-back position—but I remembered what Brit had said that night at The Limo; that it was my presence that made Lucas lose his cool.
Feeling mischievous, I decided to test out Brit’s theory. Sitting up in my seat as we sat at an intersection waiting to make a left turn, I leaned toward Lucas and brushed my fingers through his hair. His golden eyes darted to my face as I gave him a sly smile.
“What’re you doing?” he said uneasily.
Edging over even farther, I placed my lips beside his ear and whispered, “Am I making you nervous, Lucas?”
I heard him beginning to respond when I opened my lips and slid my tongue across his earlobe. Lucas sucked in a breath and the car swerved suddenly to the left, then back again. Luckily I’d checked that there was no traffic around the car before making my move.
“Jesus, Katie!” Lucas said as he completed his turn, breathing hard, his eyes wide and his hands gripping the wheel for dear life.
I fell back into my seat, giggling. “I got you, I got you!” I sang until he was laughing along with me. “You’re such a sucker! I would have seen that one coming from a mile away.”
“I told you I wasn’t any good at multi-tasking,” he said, still shaking his head. “But you just wait, I’ll get you back.”
I didn’t have to wait long. At the next stop he swiftly put the car into park, undid his seatbelt, and pulled me toward him, kissing me so firmly and deeply that for a moment I forgot entirely that we were in a car on a busy street with people walking by. When a car behind us honked, he broke the kiss and gave me mocking frown. “That’s for using your siren ways against me,” he said, shaking his finger at me as he took the wheel again.
“Well, if that’s my punishment, I think I might just have to do it again,” I answered with a coy grin, and he groaned like I was hurting him.
I didn’t know who this flirty, brazen girl was that had taken my place tonight, but I hoped she stuck around. She was already a hit, both with Lucas and with me.
We turned into the parking lot of a sketchy looking strip mall and I began to hope this wasn’t actually where we were eating. Maybe there was a super secret entrance to a swanky restaurant hidden between the dingy dry cleaner’s and the seventies decor family eatery? But I didn’t want to seem judgmental, so I kept my hopes to myself.
Lucas got out of the car then ran around to my side to open the door for me. I stepped out gingerly due to the heels Em had insisted I wear and took the arm Lucas held out.
“What a gentleman,” I said appreciatively, and saw that his eyes were still riveted to the four-inch strappy sandals on my feet. (I was stunned Emily had let me have them considering the state her boots had been in after my daring run through the snow, but she’d said they were her first date good-luck shoes and I had to wear them. “For the sake of the date,” she’d said dramatically, handing them over.)
I felt the palm of Lucas’s hand run down to the small of my back, then press me closer to him so he could speak into my ear. “You wouldn’t think I was such a gentleman if you knew what was going through my mind after seeing those shoes,” he said, his voice thick, his lips grazing my ear. It was the same move I’d pulled on him in the car. I was surprised he’d only swerved. I would probably have crashed right into the curb.
In my heels I was much closer to his height, and I didn’t have to stretch that far to whisper back. “Well, get ready, because under this coat I’m wearing a dress to match.”
Lucas gave me a burning look and I literally had to take him by the hand and lead him toward the sidewalk to get him to move.
As I’d feared, we stopped in front of the rundown-looking restaurant. I wasn’t wrong about it being a family eatery. Its name was actually Mama’s Table. Glancing through the window I saw lots of parents and kids, booster chairs, and booths with cracked vinyl seats. I remembered Lucas’s long hours at the club and his borrowed car. He obviously didn’t have a lot of cash. Maybe this was the best place he could afford.
“Looks great!” I said amiably as I waited for him to open the door for me.
He gave me a funny look and kissed me on the forehead. “Thanks for faking that for me,” he said. “This is going to be great, though, I promise. I just need you to wait here for a sec.” He waited for my nod, confused as it was, then went through the restaurant doors.
Only when Lucas was out of sight did I feel the heaviness descend upon my shoulders. Leaning against the brick wall beside the door, I quickly scanned the half-empty parking lot and began twisting my fingers. My hands were already puffy and startlingly red because I’d been doing it all day, almost nonstop except for the car ride. Without Lucas to distract me, my mind was drawn immediately to the note.
After placing it on the coffee table I’d been irrationally afraid to touch it, and had sat huddled on the couch for most of the night, staring at it as though it was a poisonous snake and might uncoil and strike me at any moment. I had not slept at all, and when morning came I’d gone straight over to Em’s under the pretense of date prep. She’d done my nails and taken me out for lunch, chatting almost nonstop about Lucas and the date and how sure she’d been that we’d patch things up, and I’d been more bright and cheerful than I’d ever been. (Em had actually asked me several times if I was feeling all right.)
Suddenly, my own defense mechanism revealed itself to me like a jack-in-the-box and I saw that the flirty girl in the car was just another version of that persona, a gay and giggly mask to cover the quivering girl inside. When I was laughing and happy, even as a pretense, the fear couldn’t touch me. It was an opposite method to the one I’d been using for years to battle my fear—namely lonerdom and a surly disposition—but then, I realized, I’d never been this afraid before, not in six long years.
I couldn’t be sure that Brandon himself had been in my building. But somebody he knew had been there. Somebody he was in contact with knew my phone number and where I lived. How hard could it be for this person to pick my lock and break right in? I’d held my baseball bat—the one my father had bought for me when he’d found out I would be getting my own apartment—clutched in my sweaty palms all night with that very thought in mind. I had no idea where I would be sleeping tonight, but I knew I couldn’t go back there, not alone. I couldn’t face the two words on that piece of paper again.
This date with Lucas felt like a last meal of sorts, a tantalizing treat before the nightmare set in. I could have rescheduled, made up some excuse. In truth, a part of me had gravitated to this response, a knee-jerk reaction from years of hiding, of avoiding, of lying. But I didn’t want to lie to Lucas, and I didn’t want to be held hostage by my fear anymore. I wanted to go on my first date with a guy I thought might just be able to survive me. I wanted to disappear into his embrace and forget about what was waiting for me at home: a terror so big, so strong, I was sure it would tear me away from my moorings and I would never see Lucas again. I didn’t want to let it have me. I didn’t want to see what it had in store. So, instead, I swallowed it whole, hiding it deep inside so I could have this one night for me. For Lucas and me. For us.
Just in case it was our only chance.
I was still staring into the dark when Lucas pushed the door open and poked his head out.
“Ready to have the best meal of your life?” he said with a smile.
Was I ever.
Taking my hand, he led me through the brightly lit restaurant. I imagined maybe he’d had a special table laid out for us at the back, but that wasn’t the case. Once we reached the back wall of the restaurant, we kept going down the hallway that I assumed led to the bathrooms and the back door.
“Uh, Lucas?” I said. “Are we going to eat out by the dumpsters, or…?”
“I knew I should have blindfolded you,” he answered. “We’re almost there, so don’t get your panties in a bunch. Or, actually, whatever you want to do with your panties is fine with me.” He grinned widely over his shoulder at me.
“Shut up about my panties!” I said. “Or you’ll never get to see them.”
This seemed to sober him somewhat, and as we reached a pair of swinging doors he held them open for me, the perfect gentleman once more.
We were in the back of the kitchen. There were metal sinks and stacks of pots and a mop and bucket leaning against the wall. I was just about to ask Lucas what the hell was going on—had I worn these awful heels for dish duty?—when a guy in a white apron and chef’s hat appeared from around a corner. He had chubby cheeks and incredibly long sideburns.
“Mario, I’d like you to meet Katie,” Lucas said formally, and I shook Mario’s extended hand.
Then he took me by the arm and started leading me through the kitchen as Lucas followed behind. “You’re in for a special treat tonight,” Mario said. “An exclusive table has been set especially for you so that you might be one of the first to experience the delectable…” He paused in mid-sentence, his eyes darting around.
“Genius,” Lucas whispered, and I had to bite back a laugh.
“…genius of Chef Mario.” Mario patted himself on the chest. “In a quiet and exclusive…”
“You already said exclusive,” Lucas whispered.
“Well, whatever, man!” Mario said frowning. “I’m a chef, not a great orator. You made the lines too long anyway!”
Lucas chucked as we reached our table and Mario pulled out my chair then stalked off, grumbling. The table was out of the way of the bustle of the kitchen, next to an alcove where the employees kept their coats and bags. Unlike the tables in the main restaurant, it was nicely set with a white tablecloth, shining cutlery, and some sweet-smelling pink flowers in a vase. I leaned over to smell the flowers, and when I turned back to Lucas my mouth went dry. He’d taken off his coat and I saw that he was wearing a gray suit jacket over a crisp blue shirt, the dressiest clothes I’d ever seen him wear, even if he had matched them with dark blue jeans. He’d shined his shoes, as well. Looking at him, I couldn’t believe he was for me. He looked so gorgeous it left me speechless.
“Mario works part-time at the club,” Lucas explained as he helped me off with my coat. “He’s a culinary student, and this is his other job. The owners let him practice recipes on his days off or after hours. He brought these lobster puffs in to work once and they were so delicious Brit almost cried when she saw I’d eaten the last one. He made a special menu for us tonight. I hope you like pork chops with fudge sauce.”
I paused halfway through unfolding my napkin in my lap. “Did you say fudge sauce?” I asked, finding my voice again.
“Yup,” Lucas said with a self-satisfied smile.
I looked around the room. “I think I’m really going to like this place,” I said.
“I think I really like you,” Lucas said, his gaze intense, and I bowed my head as a blush spread across my cheeks. “And that dress,” he went on. “Did I mention yet how much I’m liking it?”
“You didn’t,” I said.
Reaching out, he ran the back of two of his fingers down my arm, causing a throb to take up inside me.
He said, “I like it so much it’s making me forget what we’re doing here.”
“Now, now, Lucas,” I said sternly as I saw Mario approaching with the first course. “Don’t get distracted.”
“With you around?” he said. “Impossible.”
Our eyes met as Mario set our salads in front of us and lifted their covers. “Bon appetit!” he said.
The meal was like one long dessert, with each course seemingly impossible to top until the next course did. We began with a salad of romaine lettuce, cucumbers, and berries with pecans and dark chocolate flakes. This was followed by a potato soup with bacon and chocolate chunks, braised pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans with fudge sauce, and a cheese and milk chocolate plate. By the time Mario was serving us our Nutella-filled churros I was basically having an orgasm at the table with every bite.
“Do I have chocolate all over my face?” I asked Lucas as I cleaned my plate. I’d basically been gobbling everything in front of me like a starving orphan. I wouldn’t have been surprised if my entire face was covered in chocolate by now.
“Nope,” Lucas answered. “Oh, but wait. You just have a little bit here…” He leaned forward and placed his lips a little to the right of my own, and I felt his tongue slowly lick at the corner of my mouth. His lips were warm and so tantalizingly close. I had only to turn my head a little to capture his mouth entirely, but before I could he pulled away. I had to suppress a whimper.
“No second dessert until we’re alone,” he warned.
“And when will that be?” I said, eyeing his lips, not caring if I sounded desperate. At that moment I was desperate to feel his lips on mine again.
“As soon as humanly possible,” Lucas said, and I saw him catch Mario’s eye and make a gesture with his hand that I presumed indicated he wanted to wrap things up. Now.
There was no check to pay, since we weren’t official customers. I assumed from the way Mario and he shook hands that they’d organized some alternate form of payment. I hoped Lucas didn’t have to take too many of Mario’s shifts at the club to cover the evening.
“She loved it, man,” I overheard Lucas saying as he patted Mario on the back. “I owe you big.”
“You’re a chocolate God and I would marry you if I could,” I said to Mario as I slipped on my coat.
He smiled widely as I said this and kept hold of my hand even once we’d stopped shaking.
“All right, enough of that,” Lucas said, taking back my hand and gripping it firmly. He didn’t seem to like the way Mario was looking at me at all, which amused me to no end.
As we went out the doors, I looked back at Mario and whispered, just loud enough for Lucas to hear, “Call me!”
Lucas growled and playfully grabbed me by the waist as we walked through the restaurant. “He can’t have you, you’re mine,” he murmured into my ear.
Yes I am, I thought but didn’t say.
When we reached the car, I snatched the keys out of his hand and opened the driver’s side door. “Maybe I should drive, since you had so much trouble with it earlier,” I teased, and though Lucas grinned, his mood seemed to have shifted.
It was snowing very lightly, insubstantial flakes that melted as soon as they hit the ground. The temperature was meant to go even higher tomorrow, so I knew that even if a light layer fell overnight, it would be gone by midday, snow that wasn’t meant to last. Lucas held out his hand to catch some flakes and we both watched as they melted in his palm.
Then he approached me and took my face in his hands. I yearned for him to kiss me again, and I was sure he would, but he spoke instead.
“The night of the party—why’d you run away?” he said.
The fear I’d been holding at bay crept into my body, gurgling in my stomach. I exhaled and looked down at the ground, trying to avoid his gaze. “You really want to talk about this now?” I said. “While I’m wearing this dress?” I wanted to distract him, to arouse him, anything to not have to answer this question, but he wasn’t letting it go.
“I want to know everything about you, Katie,” he said, running his hands over my hair and lightly pulling the strands all the way to their tips. “I want to understand you inside and out. I want to know your every thought, even if you’re thinking there’s something about me you don’t like.”
Something about him, or something about me? He had no idea what he was asking.
“What if I don’t want to tell you everything?” I said, trying to sound defiant, but ending up sounding like a whiny child instead.
“Then I’ll keep asking until you’re ready to tell,” he answered.
Gazing into Lucas’s honey-coloured eyes, I felt something click into place. I believed him. I believed he would wait for me to be ready to tell him all my secrets, and I thought I might just trust him enough to tell him one. Just one to start. A baby step secret. One piece of the whole giant puzzle, which, I was pretty sure, I’d never let him see. Not completely. That would probably kill me. But one secret wouldn’t hurt too badly, I thought. A first secret for a first date.
“When you…knocked down that…guy,” I began haltingly.
“Buck?” Lucas said.
I nodded, staring at his chin. “Your face changed. You were furious with him. You looked like you wanted to tear him apart.”
“I did,” Lucas said simply. “He was hurting you.”
I lowered my eyes farther still. “I didn’t like it,” I said.
“Most girls like it if you come to their defense,” Lucas said. “You know, knight in shining armour and all that.” He seemed truly confused, which only made it harder to go on.
“Not me,” I said. “I don’t like that side of guys, that violent side.”
“You’re the one who punched him!” Lucas said.
I met his eyes with a serious look. “I shouldn’t have,” I said. “I scared myself. And you scared me.”
Lucas seemed to consider this. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I never want you to be afraid of me. But you can’t expect me to stand back and let someone hurt you. When I stepped into that room and saw you screaming at him to let you go, saw his hands pressing into your arms, I just…” A muscle flexed in his jaw and he couldn’t seem to go on.
“You lost your head,” I finished for him. This was something I understood. This was something I had experience with. “Most people would say it was a natural reaction and just brush it off. But I’m not most people. I can’t have that kind of…behaviour around me. I can’t have you hitting people for me, not ever. I need you to promise.”
His eyes were almost fearful as they looked at me now. He drew his arms around me, holding me lightly by the waist, as if he thought putting too much pressure on my body might break me into pieces. “God, Katie,” he whispered, searching my eyes, “what did he do to you?”
I turned my head and looked out at the snowflakes. I was not going to explain. I was not going to address the “he” Lucas had referred to. He might want to know everything about me, but that didn’t mean I was willing to tell him everything, or even that he’d like what he found out. Telling him about Brandon and the reason aggressive guys made me run for the hills wasn’t a first date secret. It was a last date secret.
“Promise me,” I repeated.
Letting my eyes creep back to his face, I saw the muscles in his jaw working overtime as though he was picturing Buck Mullard with his hands gripping my wrists again. “I can’t say I won’t get furious if someone tries to hurt you again,” he said carefully. “But I can say that I’ll try to control myself. How does that sound?”
I nodded, but my trust was waning. I knew I was the one who’d asked for his promise, but now that I had it, it didn’t seem like enough.
“I’m not a violent guy, Katie,” Lucas persisted. “You know that, don’t you?”
They never are, I thought. Until they are.
“I want you to stay like this,” I said, sadly stroking his cheek. “I don’t want you to change.” I think a part of me had forgotten I was saying any of this out loud. My sorrow at the idea that I’d have to give Lucas up had taken control of my mouth. Even though I’d known it would probably turn out that way all along, it devastated me. I was like a little girl holding a puppy that wasn’t hers.
I wanted to keep him forever.
“I won’t change,” Lucas said. “I don’t know why you think I will, but I won’t. I’m not pretending, Katie. When I said yesterday that I’m the real me with you, I really meant it.”
He looked so sure of himself, so harmless with his soft hands and his beautiful face. I so wanted it to be true.
“Can you do one more thing for me, Lucas?” I said.
“Anything,” he replied.
I sat down in the driver’s seat and looked up at him.
“Kiss me,” I said.
He followed me into the car as I moved backwards over the gearshift and into the passenger’s seat. He grinned and his face looked nothing like the animal I’d seen in him that night. He was just himself, the guy who was stealing my heart.
“Oh yeah, I can do that,” he said as his lips met mine.