~Declan~
Five long agonizing days —that was how long I had to wait for a phone call back from Sarah. I'd gone back to sucking at work, and I was once again known as the diva asshat on set. I'd f*cked up my lines and cussed out a PA for getting in my way. I was a disaster.
Patience was not my thing. I hated waiting for anything. By day three, I was pacing the floors like a f*cking psycho. By day four, I was convinced Sarah had brushed me off and would never contact me. Leah had done her best to prove to me that Sarah and Devin were just taking their time, and it would all happen eventually, but I was a pessimist to the core, and I'd already convinced myself of the worst.
When the call actually came in, I was on break at work. I answered the call on the first ring, seeing Sarah's name show up on my phone.
"Sarah?" I answered.
"Hey, Declan," she began.
Her tone was even —not energetic, not sympathetic. I didn't know what to think.
Was it good news or bad? Give me a damn clue!
I got up from my seat at the small table in my trailer, and I started to pace, only to realize I couldn't pace in there unless I counted walking two steps and turning around to go back and do it all over again.
I headed out the door, opting for someplace less confined. If she were about to tell me no, I needed some damn fresh air and someplace to scream.
"How are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm all right, a bit anxious. I really want to see him, Sarah." I tried leveling with her. I was sick of p-ssyfooting around the subject.
"I know, and that is why we have agreed."
"What? You have?" I let out the breath I'd been holding for the last five days. I finally felt like my lungs were functioning again.
"Yes, but we have some requirements first, Declan."
"Anything, Sarah. Anything."
"First, we believe it's a good idea that, initially, Connor be introduced to you as a friend of Heather's. We're afraid introducing you as his father might overload him."
"Okay, I agree with that as long as you understand that he will eventually know me for who I really am."
She sighed before saying, "Yes, I understand that, Declan. We aren't trying to keep you from him. I only tried to do what Heather had wanted. I know it was wrong, but she was my best friend, and now, I'm trying to make it right. Having him here with us...we're doing the best we can, but it's difficult."
"What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my brow in concern.
"When Heather asked us if we would agree to take Connor if anything were to ever happen to her, we agreed wholeheartedly. We had just gotten married, and we didn't have any kids of our own. We never once believed that anything would ever happen. When it did, our lives were very different. We have a baby, and now, all of a sudden, we have a very angry and sad seven-year-old. He is having a hard time with finding a place in our family. As much as I love him, he needs something more than me. I'm willing to admit that. If that is you and you can give him what he so desperately needs right now, then I am more than willing to open up our home to allow that to happen. But just know that I am taking a risk here. We are not going to social services. We didn't hire a lawyer. This is between us —as friends."
"I understand. Is there anything else?"
"Yes, one more thing —your girlfriend. How close are you two?"
"What do you mean?"
"Connor is in a fragile state right now. We don't want to introduce anyone into his life who might not be there in a few months. We don't want him to form attachments to people who aren't committed to being in his life for the long haul. He's already suffered a major loss, and I can't stand to see him lose anyone else."
"Leah and I are together for life. You have nothing to worry about," I said without hesitation.
"I'm happy for you, Declan. You deserve happiness. I've been worried about you for years. It's good to see you finally in a good place."
"Thank you, Sarah," I answered as I paced back and forth between the trees lining the film's location for today.
"So, when do I get to see him?" I asked.
"Does tomorrow sound good?"
"It sounds perfect, Sarah. Thanks."
In less than a day, I was going to meet my son.
~Leah~
"Seriously Declan, stop fidgeting," I said, for the fourth time. He'd been a mess ever since he'd come saying Sarah and Devin had given permission for the visit. One minute he was excited, super pumped and happy, dancing with me across the room and laughing. The next he was a ball of nerves, scared out of his mind. We'd already made three separate trips to the store so he could pick up a gift for Connor. The second trip was because he thought the first gift was too small and it needed to be bigger, so we exchanged it for something larger. As soon as we got home, we had to turn around because the gift was suddenly too large and he didn't want to look like he was trying to hard, so after three tries we were back to the original gift.
I tried to explain to him that he didn't need a gift, but he was insistent. I think he was afraid he wouldn't have anything to talk about and at least the toy would be an ice breaker.
"Hot Shot, you're going to be great," I encouraged as we drove down the interstate once again, making our way back to Williamsburg. Sarah and Devin had given us the entire afternoon with Connor. We had four hours with him alone. We asked if they were sure, and they said yes. They thought it would be better for Connor to get to know us without them around, and they trusted us with him.
I was humbled by their generosity. I know what they must have gone through the last few months couldn't have been easy. Becoming parents for the first time, and then becoming parents again to a broken seven year old. I remember what I was like when my mom left and at times it seemed like no amount of love would ever be enough to replace the void left in my heart. A mother's love is irreplaceable, and to lose it so suddenly, and so young...there are no words to describe what that does to a child.
"Do you think he'll remember you?" Declan asked.
"I honestly don't know. We spent such a short time together. I hope so," I said, smiling softly. I'd thought about Connor quite a bit over the last few months, not realizing who he was or what he would come to mean to my life. He'd left his mark on my heart because I'd felt for him, being a child who'd lost someone at a young age. I don't know if that was reciprocated. His life had just been turned upside down that night, and in retrospect, that entire night could be a complete blur.
Pulling into the familiar driveway, Declan put the car in park and we made our way to the front door. Sarah opened the door just as I went to ring the doorbell and we all said our hellos as she invited us in. Just inside the front door was a tall, regal looking man with gray framing his face glasses that made him look very scholarly. It fit the professor stereotype I'd had brewing in my head ever since Sarah told us he taught History at the College of William and Mary.
"Hi, I'm Devin," he said, offering his hand to Declan first, before turning to me.
We all finished our introductions and made our way to the living room. Declan took a look around, and I know he was looking for Connor.
"We thought we'd talk to you for a moment privately before we brought Connor in, if you don't mind," Devin said.
"Absolutely not. Like I told Sarah, we're willing to do whatever is necessary to make this work. I spent the last seven years unaware of his existence. The only thing I want right now is to know him." He weaved his fingers in mine as sat down across from Sarah and Devin in the living room.
"As Sarah told you, Connor's had a bit of a rough time since Heather died. No one blames him for this. It's normal and necessary, I think. He's grieving, and I know with all the other changes in his life, it will take time for him to adjust. We're doing everything we can, but he's still in so much pain."
"And he will be, forever. It will never go away," I chimed in, suddenly embarrassed by my outburst.
"Sounds like you're coming from experience Leah?" Sarah said.
"Yes and no. My mother left me when I was seven. So the loss I can relate to. The circumstances are different, but the loss similar and I can tell you it never goes away. It's a festering hole that never completely heals. You can find ways to cope...ways to move on, but it will always be there. A dull ache in your side that reminds you of the immense loss."
"How can we help him then?" she asked quietly.
"Honestly? Just be there for him. When I was growing up, the one thing I wanted, begged God for every night was a parent who would just hold me at night while I cried. Pretty soon the pain will dull and he'll be able to wake up in the morning and her face won't be the very first thing he thinks about, maybe the second or the third...and eventually he will be able to go on with life. But until then, all you can do is let him talk when he needs to and hold him when he'll let you."
Declan squeezed my hand in silent support and leaned down to kiss my cheek. As he did, he whispered ever so softly, "I love you" in my ear. My sexy bad boy who wore leather and whispered sweet endearments in my ear. He really was my perfect match.
After that, we went over a few housekeeping things about Connor. He was allergic to peanuts and hated fish. So seafood was out. He also had a serious movie obsession, and loved reading. Declan's ears perked up at the mention of movie obsession, wanting to know what types.
"Um, all sorts really. He loves old black and white films, campy eighties movies, and anything with Ironman of course."
Declan laughed, and shook his head like he couldn't quite believe he had something in common with his child. Just wait until he saw him.
"Well, Declan...are you ready?"
He glanced at me and I gave me a small encouraging smile. "Yes, we're ready."
~Declan~
There were certain moments in life when I felt like I needed to hold my breath and close my eyes, so I could properly capture the magnitude of what I was experiencing.
I wished I'd fully captured the first time I saw had seen Leah —, sitting in that bar, her eyes meeting mine. I'd had no idea how much my life was about to change. If I could have bottled up that memory, savoring it for eternity, I would have.
When Sarah moved to the bottom of the stairs and called Connor's name, and I heard him running to the top of the stairs, I knew this was one of those moments. I'd had so few in my existence, but I knew this was a big one. I wished I could freeze-frame everything —the emotions, the feel in the air, and the anticipation —so I could always know what it felt like in this exact moment. The only other time I'd felt like this was when I had stood in Leah's father's kitchen right before I'd told her I loved her.
My heart hammered in my chest, and I felt like I could pass out from how fast my breaths were moving in and out of my lungs. In the next few seconds, I knew that my life would change.
It sounded like a herd of elephants were coming down the stairs, and it made me smile. My mom used to scream at me for stomping down the stairs when I was a kid.
I turned just in time to see him round the corner, and my heart froze in my chest. His eyes...shit, Leah was right. Even from a distance, I could see the resemblance to my own. It was like looking in a mirror. Everyone had always said my eyes were so unique...but not anymore. They had been cloned in this kid. The rest of him was like staring at a mash-up of Heather and me —or at least, what I remembered of Heather. He had my hair color, but his skin was fair like Heather's. I was always on the tan side, but Heather had always been light in complexion. He had several features that came from Heather, but overall, it was like looking at a younger version of myself.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he reached the living room. He gave us an appraising look. He looked me up and down, trying to figure out my place in his world. His eyes then shifted to Leah, and recognition registered across his small features.
"Hey, you're that nurse from the hospital," he said, allowing me to hear my child's voice for the first time ever.
He sounded so grown-up yet young at the same time, reminding me of his age. He was seven, going on eight. I'd missed the years where he'd learned to talk and said his words wrong. I'd missed him going to school for the first time, learning to read and write. Anger at Heather threatened to take over my calm demeanor, and I reminded myself that he was here. I'd found him. Leah had found him, and every day forward, I would be here.
Leah smiled at Connor's recognition of her. She bent down slightly, so she could be at eye level with him.
"That's right. I'm Leah, and this is Declan. He used to be a friend of your mom's. We thought you might like to spend the day with us. We were headed over to Colonial Williamsburg and thought you might like to join us."
"Well...Sarah took me there a few weeks ago...but I could be, like, your guide or whatever."
"That sounds great. Doesn't it, Declan?"
"Sounds perfect. Let's go!" I said.
Colonial Williamsburg was almost sectioned off from the rest of Williamsburg. It was about ten minutes from the newer area where Sarah and Devin lived. I followed the signs to the main gate, but Connor stopped me.
"You know, you don't have to buy tickets. You can see almost everything without having to buy a ticket."
"Really?"
"Yeah, Sarah told me so. She says the tickets are cool if you want to see reenactments or go into the buildings, but if you just wanna walk around, shop, and eat, you can just park and go in," he said.
"Well, glad we have our own tour guide to show us the ropes then," Leah said.
I saw Connor smile shyly in the rearview mirror.
We headed back to the street and found a lot to park in. It was a cold winter day, and there weren't as many people here since it wasn't tourist season, so parking wasn't an issue.
Getting out of the car, I pulled Leah to me and asked, "Did you know the thing about the tickets?"
"Of course I did. I've been here a gazillion times."
"Were you ever going to tell me, snuggle bear?"
"Mmm...nope. I love reenactments. Guys in colonial uniforms are hot. And snuggle bear? Seriously? That's gross."
I laughed. It really was awful, but I just couldn't resist. "It was worth a shot, and there will be no checking out anyone in a uniform...unless it's me."
"Yes, sir," she teased. "So, Connor, since you've been here, where's a good place to eat? I'm starved!"
Connor, being a child, suggested one of the pubs where everyone dressed in period clothing and said, "Ye," a lot. Luckily, the food was good, and we stuffed ourselves on bread and stew. After an hour-long meal though, Connor still hadn't spoken much. He'd stirred around his stew and pulled off pieces of his bread, but that had been it.
I gave Leah a look that basically said, Am I doing something wrong?
She gave me a look back that was soft and warm as she held my hand under the table, giving it an encouraging squeeze.
After leaving the restaurant, we strolled around the dirt streets and visited several shops. Around the third one, Connor was busy, looking at a toy sword, when I came up next to him, trying to figure out what to talk about. Then, he beat me to it.
"How did you know my mom?" he asked quietly as he fiddled with the swords.
"She was, uh...my girlfriend for a long time," I answered honestly.
I briefly thought about just saying that we had been friends, but I didn't want to start out my relationship with my son on a lie. I was already lying about who I was. We didn't need any more deceit. I would do my best to always be truthful with him, especially with the things that truly mattered.
"But you broke up?"
"Yes. We realized we weren't right for each other, and I moved to California while she stayed in New York."
He was quiet for a long time after that as we made our way through the gift shop. He returned back to the swords several times. He'd pull one out and hold it in his hands like a little knight. I suddenly remembered I'd never given him his present. It was still sitting in the trunk of the car, and now, seeing him with that sword in his hand, it seemed unimpressive.
I found Leah by the jewelry as she was looking at a small silver necklace.
I asked, "Hey, would you mind walking with him to go get some hot cider while I get something real quick?"
"Sure," she answered, taking one last look at the necklace before gathering up Connor in search of cider.
I picked up my two purchases quickly and tucked the small one into my pocket. Then, I went in search for Connor and Leah and found them at a small stand selling hot cider. I came up, pulling the toy sword out of the bag as I approached. Connor turned and saw the sword, his eyes going wide with excitement.
"Every soldier needs a sword," I said, bending down to hand him the sword with a bit of flare. Might as well put those acting skills to good use.
He took it in his hand and looked up at me in wonder.
"Thank you, Declan," he said.
It made me both happy and sad at the same time. It was the first time I'd made him happy, the first time I'd made him smile, and the first time he'd said thank you to me. But it had all been done under the false pretense that I was just another guy. I was just an old boyfriend of his mother's. I wasn't anyone special to him yet. I was just Declan.
I wanted that to change.
I still had one more gift to give.
I knelt down to Connor. "Hey, think you could help me out with something?"
He nodded enthusiastically. I was glad to see him happy even if it was temporary or wasn't quite the way I'd wanted it to be. He was happy, and that needed to be celebrated.
I pulled out the small box and handed it to him before motioning to Leah. He nodded, giving a half smile. He took the few steps to Leah and held out the box to her.
"What do you have there, Little Man?" she asked.
"It's from Declan."
"It's from both of us," I corrected, which made his half smile turn into a full smile as he held the box higher.
She gave me a cheesy grin and opened it, finding the silver necklace she'd been eyeing in the store. It really was beautiful. A lot of the things sold here were inexpensive and cheap. This was actually made by one of the silversmiths employed here, and it was a work of art, something not seen often in modern jewelry stores.
"Well, aren't you two charming?" she said.
Connor turned around, and I gave him a thumbs-up.
Leah bent down and gave Connor a quick kiss and a hug. He went into her arms easily. It was a familiar place for him, having been held by her the night of the accident. Seeing the woman I loved holding my child did something to me. It made my heart feel like it was too large for my chest.
Leah looked up at me with Connor's head tucked under hers as she mouthed, I love you
I wanted them. I wanted both of them. This was my new reality, and I actually felt ready for all of it. Leah had said I was a father whether I was ready for it or not...and I was.