CHAPTER 5 Who is This Keeping Us Apart?
Chief never made it to Atlanta and the conference kept me busier than expected. Emily and I tried to communicate but she had an unusually busy week as well. I had hoped to be home on Wednesday but Chief asked me to stay till Friday so my flight would land me back at LAX early Saturday morning.
Finally, Emily was calling. “Hi Sweetheart!”
“Hi. I was calling to see if I should cancel Bacara. We don’t have to go this weekend and Sarah and Charlie won’t care either way.”
“No. I want to spend some time with you before you go on your trip with Sarah. When do you leave and when do you get back?”
“Sunday to Sunday.”
“Is Charlie going too?”
“No, it’s just us.”
“That’s an awful long time.”
“Not any longer than your trip to Atlanta.” Of course she had to add this. “Sarah and I are spending Sunday through Wednesday in New York then going over to her parents in New Jersey.”
I was going to have to spend another week without her. With the ending we had at the airport, I was worried about being away from her for so long.
“Do you want to stay at Jane’s apartment while you’re in New York? She comes home Monday but you can use the apartment if you want. I’ll have my mom bring over a set of keys.”
“No, that’s okay. We have a hotel reserved. When do you come home, Jake?”
“Early Saturday morning.”
“What time? I’ll come pick you up.” Though our conversation was more formal than I would’ve liked, it made me feel good to know that she wanted to pick me up.”
“I’ll be okay. I’ll grab a cab home and come pick you up for Bacara first thing Saturday morning. I need you ready early, okay?”
“Okay,” she paused and my heart dipped wondering what she was thinking. “I miss you, Jake.”
Relieved with this last comment, I told her, “I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I miss you. See you tomorrow, Beautiful.”
Perhaps I overreacted to our conversation back at the airport. I’d be with her soon and that was all that mattered.
The sun was barely out when the plane landed at LAX. Thinking that Emily might have called, I checked my phone and there was an ominous message from the Chief telling me to come to the hospital first thing in the morning. After a week in Atlanta, he couldn't possibly have me working, or so I hoped. I got to Mom's, slept a few hours then went in to see him.
"What's going on, Chief? I'm going away with Emily this morning to Santa Barbara. You don't have me working, do you?"
"No, but Roger passed away yesterday and they are having a viewing today and a memorial service tomorrow. I'm sorry but you're going to have to attend."
I gave Chief an incredulous look.
"I'm sorry Jake. I want to let you go but he was the President of the hospital and he died while under our care. Though it wasn't our fault, we need to show our respect and support his family."
"Well, can I leave after the viewing then come back tomorrow for the memorial?"
"That would be fine. Just stick around and help out where you can."
I contemplated going over to Emily's to explain what was going on but then decided to call her instead.
"Jake! Are you back?" I loved how excited she sounded knowing I was home.
"Hi Beautiful. Did I wake you?"
"No. I've been awake waiting for you to call. When can we leave?"
"Sweetheart, can you go with Sarah and Charlie? I 'm going to have to meet you there."
Though she didn't make a sound, I heard the sigh and envisioned the frown that marked her face as well.
"Okay. What time do you think you'll come?"
"I need to attend a viewing at the hospital that begins sometime in the afternoon then I'll drive straight up there. I'm..."
"It's okay," she cut me off before I could apologize. "I'm going to leave your car key on my kitchen counter. There's a spare key to the house under the mat by the back door. Use it to get in the house. I guess I'll see you later." She sounded skeptical. I hated not being able to keep my promises, especially to her.
"I'll see you soon."
I got back to the cardiac ward and everyone was in a somber mood. Continually checking my watch, I went about my day waiting for the viewing to begin.
Hi Sweetheart. How's Bacara?
Her responses were always quick.
Lonely.
I don't think she realized how affected I got whenever she told me she was lonely, especially since this was strictly my fault.
I'll be there soon. Will you be lonely enough to allow me to kiss you in public?
Perhaps. You will never know till you get here.
Do we still have the same roommates?
We do but if you show any signs of not showing up, Sarah will bolt to the other room. Which means... I will be even more alone. It's all up to you. Come soon.
Will do.
It was dinner time and there was no sign of a viewing. I asked the Chief if I could leave and he informed me that Rebecca Stein, Roger's widow, had just been hospitalized and their family requested the Chief and I be her attending doctors. Someone was out there doing his best to keep Emily away from me. I dreaded this next phone call.
"Are you on your way?" She didn't even say hello.
I couldn't answer.
"Oh no. You're not coming." Once again, it wasn't a question, it was a statement. "Sarah, you can move next door,” I heard her lament.
"Sweetheart, I don't know how I'm going to make this up to you. I probably won't get up there at all now."
"I don't know either. It's going to take you many tries to make things right." Being her understanding self, she tried to sound chipper.
"I'll be happy to make it up to you the rest of my life."
Silence. I felt like I was performing a monologue.
"Emily?"
Silence, again.
"Emily!" I tried to illicit a response.
"Yes?"
"Why are you so quiet?"
"Well... I wish you wouldn't make me any promises you won’t be able to keep. The rest of your life is a very long time from now."
I knew I deserved this but it stung to hear her say it. "Wow. I think those are the most hurtful words you've said to me. How can you disregard my sincerity?"
"Jake..." Simultaneously she started and stopped her thought.
"Yes?" I needed to finish this conversation with her. This was an extension of our LAX conversation. "Emily, what's on your mind?"
"I know you mean well but you can barely keep a dinner date with me. I can't think much beyond what we have right now."
"Emily, that's not fair. You know I want to be there with you. These are circumstances beyond my control."
"I know and I don't blame you for these circumstances."
"Then why can't you believe me? Why can't you see much of a future for us? This is what you said at the airport too." I knew she had some reason she wasn't willing to spit out. She had been so understanding up until now. It couldn't be my schedule holding her back. "What is it you’re not telling me?"
"Jake, even after four years of believing I would spend the rest of my life with someone, this someone woke up one morning and stopped loving me. I can't believe after four weeks, your mind could be made up so easily."
Anger. Rage. Frustration. All these emotions ran up and down my body but came to a screeching halt as soon as I heard whimpering on the other end.
"I'll talk to you later," she said and quickly hung up.
I wanted to call back but decided against it. She probably needed some time alone. I would try calling later.
Thinking through our conversation this girl whom I loved dearly had loved another man dearly. Though I didn’t think she still loved him, the hurt was far from being gone. Not having any family most likely compounded the hurt when he left her so suddenly. Whenever I got a reprieve from this job, I vowed to shower her with love and erase the hurt that lingered.
The next morning I woke up to a kind text.
I’m sorry for hanging up on you. I didn't mean to sound so doubtful. I really miss you and am frustrated I won't see you for another week. I leave on the 8:30pm flight out of LAX. Do you think you can come see me before I leave for New York?"
I'll be there. I really miss you too.
She texted back a smile.
After a long surgery on Rebecca Stein, I made a mad dash to LAX. It was nearly 11:00pm and I was hoping Emily's flight got postponed and that she would still be there. It wasn't a good sign since she wasn’t answering her phone but I wanted to go check just in case. I sprinted to her boarding area and frantically searched for her and Sarah. Not seeing either of them, I only confirmed Emily’s theory that I couldn't keep my promise and that there really was no future for us.
With hope lost, I turned to leave when I saw my angel curled up in a fetal position, asleep on one of the chairs. Her face looked like she had been crying with a tear drop still fresh on her cheek. There weren't enough days for me to make this girl happy and all I'd done to her this weekend was made her cry. I knelt down and wiped away her tear.
Startled, she jumped. "Jake!" She hugged me and confirmed my belief or perhaps my hope – that she loved me too. "I'm so happy to see you. I've missed you so much." Tears rolled down her pale cheeks.
"I've missed you too, Beautiful." I pulled away from her to look at her face. She was a mess. "Don't cry. I'm sorry I keep breaking my promises to you. You know I want to be with you, right?"
Her face looked hesitant.
"And you know when you're not with me, I miss you more than anyone I've missed in my life?"
Her face looked like she wanted to say yes but her head shook no.
“How could you not know all this? Do you still not understand how I feel about you?”
“I thought… I thought maybe you were using work as an excuse to end what we have.”
“Emily, you crazy girl, what would make you think such a thing? Do I not make myself clear when I tell you how much I like you?”
“I just have a hard time believing. I was so sad thinking it was over. I don’t know if I like this effect you have on me. You have this way of making me feel amazing when we’re together but when we’re apart I feel lonelier than I’ve ever felt. No one has affected me like this before. I know we can’t be together all the time and I don’t want so sound needy. I know how important your job is to you and how important you are to your job.”
Funny how just a few minutes ago I thought she was going to break up with me. Who knew she was thinking the same thing about me. Tonight I realized buried inside this beautiful person was a fragile girl who needed stability – something I haven’t been able to provide for her with my hectic schedule.
“Should I be thrilled I make you feel amazing or should I be upset I make you feel lonely?” I chuckled despite her teary disposition.
She laughed along with me.
“Emily, I’m sorry I keep breaking my promises to you. I want you to promise me though; you’ll tell me whenever I make you feel sad or lonely, okay?”
She nodded her head again and I pulled her back into my body.
“How am I going to let you go away for a week now? I’m going to miss you so much. Are you sure you don’t want to stay at Jane’s just in case I come to see you?”
“I’m sure. Sarah and I have a hotel in midtown.”
“Where is Sarah, by the way?”
“She got on the original flight. She had to meet her sister at JFK but I waited for you. Barring any more emergencies, I knew you’d come for me. I really wanted to see you.”
“Oh Emily.” I really will make this up to you the rest of my life. I love you. “When is the last flight out?”
“They’ve started calling us. I need to board soon.”
“Let me see your ticket.” Horrified at the thought of Emily trying to sleep sitting up, I went up to the desk and changed her seat. Starting now, I would do everything in my power to take care of this girl. She would never second guess my intentions or my love. I would love her unconditionally. Without a doubt, this was the girl I wanted to be with the rest of my life.
“Emi, I changed your seat so you can sleep on the plane. Have a wonderful trip and call me often.”
“Jake. It’s only a five hour flight. Why did you spend so much money? It’s unnecessary.”
“Sweetheart, I’ve only just begun making up for all my broken promises. Believe me when I tell you I’ll take care of you from now on.”
She nodded her head one last time. Before I let her go I kissed her in public in front of a hoard of people boarding the plane. She didn’t pull away but she did turn her usual rosy color.
“Okay, so for the record, I am asking you a month in advance, you are spending Christmas with me and my family?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“Both. It is at my parents’ house and if you don’t show up this time, my whole family will think I’ve made up some phantom woman.”
“Okay. Christmas it is. I’ll call when I land. I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too. Have a good flight.”
I watched her walk in and left the airport satisfied. I knew we were headed in the right direction. Now if only I could get a decent length of time with her so I could get a commitment out of her with this ring. Only then would I be relieved knowing she was wholly mine.