CHAPTER 16 Emily? Can We Try Again? Please?
Landing in Narita airport my heart was heavy but hopeful. The Chief gave me as many days as I needed to bring Emily home so I contended only to look at the bright side. The cup would be half full from now on.
Asking for directions to Emily’s village, my half full cup all of a sudden toppled over and spilled empty. The person helping me explained it was too late to get to the village so I would have to wait until tomorrow morning to continue my travels. Despondent but left with no choice, I stayed overnight at a tiny hotel and left first thing in the morning to find Emily.
With very few people speaking proper English I had my share of difficulties finding Emily’s host home. A kind lady walked me to the home and I knocked praying Emily was home. A cute little girl answered the door. This must have been Yuki.
“Are you Yuki?” I asked politely.
“Yes?” she answered timidly, unsure she should be talking to me.
I heard a man speaking Japanese, most likely her father. He appeared at the door along with a little boy.
“Hello,” I waved. “My name is Jake Reid and I’m looking for Emily.”
“Ah, Jake san.” Yuki and Ryu both repeated to one another, then giggled. It was a good sign that they knew my name.
“I’m Emily’s friend and I’d like to talk to her. Is she home?” I addressed the kids. They shook their heads no and quickly translated my message to their father.
“She is not home. She is…” Yuki started but her father stopped her from disclosing any more information. With a scowl on her father’s face Yuki stopped talking all together. He said something to her in Japanese again.
“My father says I can give you no information. Please leave.” She looked apologetic. I knew if I could convince Yuki who I was, she would convince her dad.
“Yuki, please let your father know I am Emily’s boyfriend. I want to see her but I don’t know where she is. Has she ever talked to you about me?”
Depressingly, she shook her head no again. “But, I know who you are, Jake san.”
By now Yuki’s mom joined in the verbal ping pong. Yuki gave them a long speech in Japanese and I saw Yuki’s mom urging the dad to do something. Next thing I knew, I had another address in my hand, but written in Japanese.
“I told my mom and dad Emily san writes to you everyday and she cries. They tell me she is at a restaurant in Arayashima, Kyoto. I will go with you to the train station and help you buy ticket.”
I should have known my girlfriend would be somewhere eating. Her first love would always be food.
“Thank you very much!” I bowed to everyone and waved goodbye. I walked through this quiet village with Yuki.
“Yuki, did Emily really cry every day?”
“Yes, Jake san. I don’t know why. She write a letter to you then she cries. Why you make her so sad?”
“After I see her today, I promise to make her happy from now on. Thank you, Yuki.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek before getting on the bullet train. My spilt glass was back to being half full again.
Finding Kitcho restaurant proved to be much easier than finding Emily’s host home. Each local who helped me with directions explained that Kitcho was the most famous kaiseki restaurant in Kyoto. A smile donned my face when I thought of Emily continuing her life with deliberation. Living in the land of kaiseki meals, she went out to cross off an item on her bucket list. I was proud of her.
When I got to Kitcho, Yuki’s dad must have called in a reservation for me because the ladies knew me without any explanation.
“You are together with Ms. Emily Logan?”
“Yes!” I gladly answered knowing soon my glass would be spilling over with joy.
We walked down a long hallway and as the server began opening the door, I saw a glimpse of Emily’s back and I was suddenly breathing for the first time since she left me.
“Finally!” I cried.
Hearing my word, Emily turned around faster than a speeding bullet. I saw tears of joy shine in her eyes. Oh my love. Why do you look so fragile? Why have you lost so much weight? It kills me to see you look so weak.
I practically ran and sat next to her. “Hello Emily. Very long time no see.”
Wanting desperately to hold her I moved in towards her body but she shied away from me. I was hurt but I understood. She was utterly befuddled to see me and she probably didn’t know what my intentions were for showing up here.
“What are you doing here?” Hearing her voice after so many months was like listening to an angel sing.
“Why do you think I’m here?” What kind of ridiculous question is that? I’m here for you.
“I don’t know. Does the Emperor need a heart surgeon?” Good to know she hadn’t lost her sense of humor.
“Emily, I’m here to see you. We need to talk. Are you here alone or are you waiting for someone?” She continued to stare but couldn’t speak. “Emily, are you not talking to me? I came all the way here to talk to you.” It was like I was speaking to a wall. A little more deliberately this time, “EMILY, are you waiting for someone?”
“Yes,” her voice raised, she answered with uncertainty.
What? I tried to talk to her again. “You are? Who are you waiting for? Are you waiting for a guy? Are you seeing someone already?” You can NOT be seeing someone already. Never once had I considered this scenario. “EMILY! I sound like a broken record. Are you seeing someone?”
She stared at me and asked, “Are you?”
This was going to be an irritating conversation if she didn’t start answering some questions.
Frustrated, I answered, “Of course not! Do you know how far and wide I searched for you after you left me? Why did you make it so hard for me to find you? Why have you been gone for so long?”
She woke up with an unpleasant look on her face. “A bit bizarre you would try so hard to find me half way around the world when you didn’t bother looking for me when I was just down the street. And by the way, you left me.”
Never had she used such caustic words with me. I suppose I deserved it. Nonetheless, her words burned.
The food kept arriving and I chuckled when I thought only my girlfriend would polish off her amuse bouche and move onto her second course, a piece of sushi, in the midst of a reconciliation. I had apparently placed below the food category again as even our reunion could not stop her kaiseki meal. I ignored my meal and tried to talk some sense into her.
“How could you come into town last week and visit my parents but not me? How could you cut off all communication with me? Didn’t you think I would want to see you… that I might worry about you? Didn’t you want to me see?”
“How could you accuse me of cutting off all communication when you’re the one who walked out on me after asking me to marry you? You’re also the one who didn’t communicate with me for weeks. I begged you to talk to me.”
I was wrong to think this was going to be easy. I was going to have to be more powerful than a locomotive to win over my girlfriend again. What had happened to my meek Emily? We stopped our conversation as another course came in and she concentrated only on the food though I understood this was her way of protecting herself.
“Emily. Why didn’t you send a return address to any of the letters you wrote? Maybe if you did, I could’ve resolved our issues sooner.”
She stopped eating. She didn’t know what to do - finally, a question that stumped her. Rage didn’t fire back at me. I saw her upset expression fading. After much thought she gave a long but darling sigh. Perhaps I would soon be able to leap this tall building in a single bound.
“I didn’t send a return address because when I didn’t get a response from you, I knew it was because you couldn’t respond to me and not because you didn’t want to respond to me.” Her head dropped and the tears I was hoping for began. I believed now she still loved me. I just needed to convince her of this knowledge. Edging closer to her, I tried to touch her but she denied me again.
“Emi, can I explain myself now? I’d like to tell you my side of the story.” I spoke after she calmed down.
“Jake, if you came all the way over here to apologize don’t bother. I don’t want to hear it. You walked out on me a few days after you said that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and didn't explain yourself for months. How could you not know I would wait for you at the Skywalk? What happened to your promise of not letting me be alone? I have been so alone the past five months without you. I thought you loved me, that you really, truly loved me. Where were you all those days I begged you to talk to me? Why are you here now after all these months?”
Emily’s tears were silent but damaging. I could hear her heart being shredded to pieces. I had done much wrong to her but I was confident I could convince her I still loved her and after that I would beg her to forgive me.
Hoping she was done I opened my mouth to speak but she pulled herself together and rolled past what I was about to say. “You can’t begin to understand how much you hurt me. I don’t want my heart broken any more. You don't owe me any explanation. I have no claim on you. Please just leave."
Giving her more time to calm down and catch her breath, I slowly swept away all the hair that covered her beautiful face. I wanted to look into her eyes when I spoke. She didn’t push me away so I brushed away the tears and left my hand on her face. It felt wonderful to touch her again. My Emily, my Love.
When I saw my chance, I took it. "First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I walked away from you that morning and I can never forgive myself for leaving you stranded. I can’t believe I hurt you so much. You don’t know how sorry I am that I left you alone. It was not my intention to not see or talk to you for this long. I came by your house many times trying to reconcile, but couldn’t find you. This situation got out of hand." I hoped my words sounded as devastated as I felt.
"That morning when you told me about Max you broke my heart.” Tears glistened in her eyes again. My tender hearted girlfriend hurt to see me hurt. “I have this bad habit of shutting myself down when things go badly. I know it's wrong and I know I’ve done this to you many times before. I'll work on that. I promise I will. I won't shut down on you or leave you anymore, I promise you. I’m sorry.”
Emily struggled not to look in my eyes as I peered into hers. “I initially didn't answer your texts because I was angry with you. Childish, I know, but I couldn’t get myself to return your messages. Eventually I calmed down enough to give you a few days to sort out your feelings and make you want to come back to me and me only. I knew I loved you, but this time I doubted your love for me.”
That agitated look reappeared and I knew she was angry again. "Why would I try to communicate with you every day if I didn't want to be with you? I told you in every text I loved you."
"I believed you cared. But you never affirmed to me that I was the only one you wanted. I guess I was looking for affirmation. When I didn't get this, I figured you had chosen Max over me and I let you go, though only for about half a second, thinking this was the best for you." I laughed a bit and thought it might lighten our mood. It didn’t.
"Jake!" In the midst of her irritation all I wanted to do was grab her and kiss her. I knew all would be okay after we kissed. "Did you read any of my texts? Everyday I told you how much I missed you and that I loved you. Did you think it was all a lie?"
"I know. It was stupid of me. I couldn’t trust you. I thought maybe you were letting me down easily. Every day I looked forward to your text but a part of me feared you would eventually tell me you had chosen Max." I did what she does so well and shrugged my shoulders apologetically. "When you sent me your last text, I realized I was completely wrong about your feelings. That's when I panicked. I saw these texts from your point of view for the first time. Maybe you still loved me but my lack of response would make you believe I didn't love you anymore. I couldn't assuage the sick feeling in my stomach. Since I couldn’t get a hold of you, my only solution was to see Jane in New York. I hoped she could give me some answers."
Not anywhere remotely convinced, I had to juggle from offense to defense back to offense.
"I came looking for you at your house as soon I received your last text. I wanted to tell you what was in my heart but you didn't answer the door. Little did I know that I would see you in less than twenty-four hours."
"Okay, so you finally saw my point of view but you still didn't say anything to me in New York to resolve our situation.” She moved her face away from me. "If you still loved me, why did you send me away again? You could've stopped me."
"When I saw you in Jane's apartment I was dumbfounded. You were the person I most wanted to see but the last one I expected to see. At first I said nothing out of shock. Then Nick started talking, Jane started yelling and next thing I knew, you were gone. Even before I reached you at the cab, Jane’s words about Arizona haunted me. In my mind I could picture you standing at the Skywalk waiting for me to return. I was angry with myself but took it out on you instead. Please forgive me. All those hurtful words – I meant none of it."
"Jake… I’m too scared to do this again. My heart is beyond repair. Did you have so little faith in me that you would believe one night with Max would lead to something improper? Did you really think so lowly of me? If that wasn’t bad enough, you left me without giving me a chance to explain myself. How can I trust you again? All these months I hurt believing you didn’t care anymore – that you coldly cut me off.”
Up until now my attitude and words exhibited confidence. I put behind all those dark months of struggling and brandished a fearless look. After Emily’s confession, it was time to beg for forgiveness. My confession, my mea culpa, my declaration of love needed to be spoken.
"Emily, you must believe me when I tell you I love you! I never stopped loving you. I don't believe I can ever not love you. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I will never do it again. I absolutely cannot live without you. When I read your letter at the hospital, my world collapsed. It was like falling into some dark abyss. I couldn't function for weeks. I took a sick leave and searched for you everywhere. Only when I received your first letter from Japan, did I think that there might be a chance we could meet again. That maybe we would love again. That's when I decided to get my act together and go back to the hospital and wait for you to return to me.”
Emily only sat there and nodded her head. I took that as a good sign.
“I will work to earn your trust again. Just please don’t tell me we’re over. Oh my sweet Emily, how did we go this long, apart? I’ve missed you so much.”
I leaned in and touched those lips I’d been longing to kiss since our last night together. She didn’t move away this time. She froze with our touch. We both savored this kiss we’d desired for so long. I tasted Emily’s tears as I refused to let go of her lips. No different than what she had written in her journal, we were home - this was where we belonged.
"Emily?" Penitent and deliriously happy to be with her, I confirmed, "You still love me, don’t you?"
For the first time since we reconnected she held me tightly and admitted, "Jake, of course I do. I never stopped loving you. I’m sorry too for hurting you. This was my fault as well. I’ve missed you so much."
That was my girl. We would be okay – no, we would be better than okay. We would love each other forever.
Emily broke out of our embrace and cast her doubting- Emily look. “You really still love me? We’re back together again?” With these questions, I knew my Emily was here for good.
“Emily. I love you!” I reassured her.
“You’re not leaving me anymore?”
“Never!” I answered and placed her back in my arms.
Her beautiful smile back in place, she asked me how I found her. The long version started from Sarah’s wedding, to LAX, to Yuki’s house, and then to finally finding her here at Kitcho. She laughed at my irritation.
“I’m glad you’re here. Are you done or am I still in trouble for hiding myself so well?”
Though there was much more to say, an apology took precedence. “Emily, I’ve said so many hurtful things to you. My actions were inexcusable. Please forgive me.”
“Jake, I created this mess. You had no choice but to feel insecure because I wavered. My actions were hurtful as well. I forgive you as you have forgiven me. Let’s not dwell on this anymore.” Her answer, always gracious, made me feel better.
“I can’t let go of the image of you waiting for me at the Skywalk. You’ve always been so trusting of me to take care of you. All the months we were apart, the thought of you losing faith in me tormented me. It scares me you won’t ever completely trust me again.”
“Frightened? Yes. But I don’t think I can stay separated from you anymore. Right now and maybe even forever, my love for you outweighs any fear of getting hurt. I want to trust you again. Just please don’t break my heart.”
I kissed her lips as a seal of my commitment to her. “I’ll make this up to you the rest of our lives together. Please don’t doubt my love for you anymore.”
She agreed with her head bobbing up and down.
We hashed out our misunderstandings about how she could so easily believe I didn’t love her and I explained again why I didn’t contact her. It dawned on me during our conversation that I had not given her a belated birthday present.
“What did you do for your birthday?” Emily inquired first.
“I was so depressed the last five months, Mom threw me a party. All was going okay till I got your card and present and that depressed me even more thinking about you being alone.” I showed her the cuff links she’d sent me. “Thank you for your gift. You don’t know how much these meant to me.” Then I asked her about her birthday though I really didn’t want to know.
“Did you celebrate your birthday at all?”
She had tears in her eyes when she shook her head no. I was hoping to be wrong about her birthday. I had hoped she had made some friends and went out for a fun day.
“Sarah called me and sent me a gift but that was it.”
“Oh Sweetheart, I’m sorry. Of all the days we were apart those were the hardest days for me as well. Come here,” I pulled her as close to me as possible. “I have your birthday present. I didn’t know when I’d be able to give this to you but I had it made regardless.”
The flat shaped sapphire pendant Gram handed down to me along with diamonds added around this stone – my own personal touch – illuminated Emily’s neckline. Her smile shone even brighter.
“Jake, this is beautiful! Thank you. How is Gram?” she asked fondly.
I explained to her how disappointed Gram was to see us separated then told her about my visit with her in Paris retelling all the details of my grandparents’ separation and reunion.
“I’d like to meet her one day,” Emily chimed in. “Maybe when I’m back in the States we can go see her.”
“Emily, let’s go home. My family misses you, too. I promised them I’d bring you back. Can you leave with me tomorrow?”
Through her silence she spoke her unfavorable answer.
“When is school over?”
“In two weeks. It’s not much longer.”
I let out a huge sigh. I’d have to go another two weeks without her unless I decided to stay here for the next two weeks. The Chief wouldn’t be too happy about that.
"Okay. As much as I don't want to leave you, I'm going to allow it on one condition."
"And what would that condition be?" she asked.
"When school is done, pack a bag of clothes but Fed-Ex the rest of your belongings to Mom's house."
"Why?"
"Because, you're going to meet me in Paris. We're going to take that romantic trip you promised me. If you agree to meet me in Paris, then I'll let you finish out the school year." This was more than a fair deal.
Her huge grin said it all; no answer necessary.
“Also, I have one more request,” I added. “I’m going to buy you a laptop with a webcam. I can NOT go another two weeks without seeing you – not after having endured five months. We will set up a time to talk each day, okay?”
She grumbled. “Is that necessary? It’s only twelve days. What a waste of money.”
I gave her a don’t argue with me look and she yielded.
We left the restaurant and walked around the streets of Kyoto behaving like two people in love. We held hands, we smiled, we kissed. It was most important to me that Emily understood how much I loved her. Walking around and catching up on the last five months, we finally stopped at a park bench and as we still needed to resolve a few unfinished issues.
“Emi?” I needed to close out Max from our lives. “What happened between you and Max?” I explained to her it was Max who encouraged me to pursue her and that he was instrumental in helping us find each other. She looked happy to know he had helped.
“Let me tell you what got us into this whole mess.” She began. “When I turned down your proposal, I knew it was temporary. It was just a matter of time before I accepted your offer of marriage. My love for you was already there. I just couldn’t take that last leap of faith. Ultimately I couldn’t trust that you wouldn’t wake up one morning and stop loving me.”
Her lips deliberately found mine before I could voice an objection about her lack of faith in me. I happily accepted.
“As for Max, I knew the moment he proposed, he was not the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You were too deeply imbedded into my heart. ‘No’ was the correct answer but I was too much in shock to say anything. And then I saw you running towards me and I was terrified you might be mad. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I hope you can understand these were words I desperately wanted to hear at one point in my life and I didn’t know how to refuse Max but still keep our friendship. Max will always be like family to me, no matter what. Are you okay with that? ”
I nodded slowly but assuredly. Before I found Emily, I had promised myself that when we got back together again, I would not let my insecurities get in the way of our relationship. Finally, I could accept this man who cared for Emily till I found her. In many ways I needed to thank him for loving her and protecting her during some of her most difficult years.
After Max, we laughed over our disastrous reunion in New York.
“You know what hurt me the most in New York?” Emily asked me.
“That I asked you how stupid you could be for waiting for me at the Skywalk? I was such an idiot that day for saying all those things to you.”
She laughed whole-heartedly. “I’m glad you know. No, that’s not it. I was most hurt you chased after a ring rather than chasing after me. That’s the main reason why I got in that cab.”
“Emily! Never in a million years did I think you would get in that cab. It was pure instinct that made me run down the block looking for the ring. It wasn’t an issue of importance. If I knew you were going to leave, I could’ve cared less what happened to the ring. How could you think I’d choose a ring over you?”
She did her cute shrugging of the shoulders.
“So I’m confused about something.” I wanted to know about her tenant. “You hadn’t left for Japan yet because I didn’t get your letter at the hospital till a week or so later. Where were you all that time?”
She explained she lived with Sarah then had a sudden fit of anxiety.
"Jake. What am I going to do?"
"Why? What's wrong?"
"I don't have a home to go back to. My tenant is staying in my house till the end of summer."
"Fantastic!" I whooped. "Move in with me."
“Correction, move into my parents’ home with me. You can take up occupancy in the guest room, unless... you get scared on the third floor by yourself and want to sleep in my bed with me."
"You're incorrigible.” Her lips curled into a wanton smile.
Emily started calling friends and family to spread our news of reconciliation. She bothered Sarah and Charlie during their honeymoon and I got a threat to my well-being from the newlyweds if I hurt Emily again. Then there was the call to Jane who also threatened to disown me as a brother if I screwed up again. Then Emily had to call Max. She thanked him then handed the phone over to me so I could do the same.
“Hey Max.”
“I’m glad you found Em. I can only imagine how big her smile must be on that pretty face. Keep her happy.” Something in his voice didn’t sound right.
“I want to thank you for your sacrifice. Sarah told me why you let Emily go and I don’t know if I could’ve been as selfless as you. Thanks to you I’ve found my happiness. I will do all I can to return the favor one day. You would be the kind of guy I’d be proud to see my sister date. Thank you, again.”
“Take care of her. She’s a special girl.” He sounded sullen saying these last words. He was finally forced to let my Emily go and I thanked him for this sacrifice as well.
Next Emily asked me to call my grandmother. Though they had only spoken once there was a familial bond that had formed on Christmas night – not much different than the one Gram and I shared. I called as my love asked me to and handed the phone back to her. It sounded like the two of them shared love and tears then Gram asked to speak with me.
“Jakey, are you going to propose to Emily in Japan?”
“Yes, Gram.”
“Why don’t you wait till Paris? Emily tells me you’re meeting her in Paris.”
“Yes, but why?” I tried to be as vague as possible so Emily wouldn’t catch on.
“I want to hand down my mother’s diamond to you two. You can get it reset while you’re in Paris then propose to her. Stop by London before going to Paris. Can you do that?”
“Definitely, Gram. Thank you.”
Gram had one of the most incredible Asscher cut diamonds. It was handed down to her from her mother and we all believed it would be handed down to my mother. Ecstatic she wanted us to have her most loved jewel, I would wait a few more weeks before sealing our future.
“What did Gram say?” Emily of course was curious.
“Not much,” I tried to sound nonchalant.
“When can I see her? Can we visit her after Paris?”
“That’s very possible.” I ended our Gram conversation to one that I knew she’d be interested in. “Aren’t you hungry? I’m starving.”
“Wait, we have to call your parents and tell them I’m coming to stay with them. Are you sure they won’t mind me living at their house?”
I couldn’t believe how unsure she sounded. She still didn’t understand my entire family considered her a Reid already. To relieve her worries, we called Mom and Dad and as expected, they welcomed her with open arms.
We sat ourselves on a plastic picnic-like table at a noodle truck parked nearby and ordered a late night snack. With all misunderstandings figured out, I still had one last bone to pick with her.
“Emi?”
“Yes?” She had an enormous grin on her face.
“What’s the smile for?”
“I love hearing you call me Emi. This is something no one else calls me.”
I, too, smiled and continued. “Didn’t you say you were waiting for someone back at the restaurant? You made it sound like you were seeing someone already. What was that all about?”
Her sly grin came back. “Yes, I said I was waiting for someone but I never said I was seeing anyone.”
“What does that mean?” Not being above ranting like a five year old I needed a clearer answer. “Have you dated anyone since you got here? Have other men asked you out? If so, how many?”
The only movement from her mouth was of her chewing her udon noodles. I grabbed my girlfriend and tickled her weak spots – which was about every part of her body. She started with a laugh and ended with a fit of coughing as a noodle must have gone down the wrong pipe.
“Alright! You play dirty,” she accused but I didn’t care as long as I got my answers. “You, no, yes, and many,” she answered.
Who were you waiting for? – You
The first answer confused me till Emily explained she had been waiting for me since Christmas to come back for her.
Have you dated anyone? - No
I was definitely good with this answer.
Have other men asked you out? – Yes
How many – Many
Yikes. I had forgotten about her appeal to other men.
“What do you mean many men have asked you on dates? How many single men could live on that tiny village of yours? And why would they ask you out? Didn’t you tell them you were taken?”
“Why on earth would I tell them that? There’s no ring on my finger that says I’m taken. And, I didn’t stay in the village the whole time. I traveled throughout Japan. You’re not the only man to find me attractive.”
She was right about that. I wasn’t the only man who would love my Emily. I reached into my pocket for her eternity band. Emotion overwhelmed me at the thought of placing this ring on her. Perhaps I would propose to her now and propose to her again in Paris with Gram’s ring. Emily watched the ring come out of my pocket and her face lit up this dark night. She believed I was going to propose again. Oh, how I would disappoint her. I hated that thought.
Deliberately placing the ring on her fourth finger, I fought against myself and my promise to Gram, and swallowed a proposal. All I could utter was, “I don’t ever want to see you take this ring off unless I replace it with another one, okay?”
Emi’s face fell from the heavens down to the pit of the earth. I could read her disappointment in clear English. I’m sorry my love. I’ll propose soon, I promise. Hating and yet somewhat enjoying her disappointment, I held back my pleasure.
“What’s wrong?” I questioned her so casually. “Were you expecting something else? Do you not like this ring?”
Very matter of factly, she voiced her opinion. “I love this ring.”
Arriving at the hotel I walked up to the front desk to get a room. Emily, a little jittery, asked about my suitcase.
“They’re holding it for me here. I haven’t had a chance to check in yet,” I told her.
By the hue on her cheeks I could tell something good might be coming my way.
“Why don’t you have them bring your stuff up to my room?” She couldn’t look me in the eye and I didn’t care. I grabbed her hand and bolted up to her room before she could change her mind.
My dream turned into a nightmare when I saw the double beds in her room. There was no way I was going to sleep two feet away from her. She had to make a concession.
“Love, I’ve been apart from you for too long to be satisfied sleeping in a bed next to yours.” Please, please, please say yes.
She gave me a half smile and spoke slowly. “Would it satisfy you to sleep in a bed…” she paused while I prayed, “with me?”
“YES!” I cheered and picked up my girlfriend and plopped her on the bed.
She giggled in delight and I had her dress unzipped in a New York minute. Our kiss got quickly suspended as Emily laughed uncontrollably.
“What is so funny and why are you pulling away from me?” I begged for an answer.
“Oh, Jake. I’m sorry. It’s been so long I forgot you would connote sleeping in bed with me much differently than I denoted those words.” Her body came over to embrace me but I rolled over onto my back.
“You’ve got to be kidding me! Emily! What else would I think when you ask me to spend a night with you?”
“I’m sorry.” She pleaded with her body partly on mine and her lips showering my face. “The best night’s sleep I ever had was with you on Christmas night. Since then there hasn’t been one night where I’ve slept peacefully. That’s one of the reasons why I lost so much weight. I’ve been sick a lot since we separated because I couldn’t get enough rest. Can I just sleep in your arms tonight?” she asked with caution.
What could I say to that? Through the course of the next few months I would most likely hear many more heart-wrenching stories about Emily’s trials. Securely holding her body to mine we relished a quiet moment.
“Emi, can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” she answered pulling away slightly.
“When did your mom put in this crazy request about you saving yourself for your husband?”
“Oh gosh, a long time ago. She and Dad both had a talk with me sometime in junior high before Dad died. Mortified that both of them were talking to me about boys and sex I agreed to everything they asked. I just wanted them, especially my dad, out of my room. Then, right before Mom died, she had me promise her again.” She crinkled up her nose and gave me a what can I do look. “There was no turning back after that last promise.”
“So do you know if your mom practiced what she preached?”
Emily went into a guffaw. “I don’t think she did. She would never give me a straight answer.”
“How frustrating!” I answered half jokingly and half seriously.
“Jake, I’m sorry I frustrate you.” My love suddenly turned very serious. “But if forever is what you still want with me, then we will have a lifetime to be together. Would you be willing to wait a bit longer?” From cackles to tears between a few sentences I lifted up her sullen face.
“Love, can we make a few promises to one another?”
Her tears dropped with every nod.
“I promise you that I will never walk out on you or give you the silent treatment no matter what the situation. We will talk through any problems we may have. Even if you don’t want to hear them, I will tell you about my feelings.”
“Okay. I like that promise. What do you want me to promise?”
“I want you to promise me that you will never be afraid of me in any way. I don’t want you to fear hurting my feelings or fear losing me. That’s not going to happen ever again. I want you to completely trust me again even though it might be hard. It still kills me that I left you stranded in Arizona. Will you share with me what you were doing and thinking all those hours you waited?”
Were these answers I wanted to hear? Probably not but I thought if I shared in her pain it could be cathartic for both of us. Our day at the Skywalk possibly traumatized me more so than it did Emily.
“I will answer you if you will promise me this will be the last time we talk about the Grand Canyon. You can’t keep beating yourself up about what happened there. Can you let it go after tonight?”
“Okay…”
“Well, the first couple hours I was busy walking back and forth looking for you. I believed you would come back. There were so many visitors I searched carefully not wanting to miss you. Then the next several hours I sat in the middle of the Skywalk reliving what had happened that morning and wondering why I hadn’t turned Max down right away. First I got upset with myself for not being able to make a quick decision, then I got mad at you guys for hurting me so much.”
Now, I couldn’t look at her. I was ashamed at my behavior and angry for making Emily suffer through such misery.
“If you were there that long, why didn’t you call me? I believed you were with your friends. You know I would never abandon you, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. Jake, I know you would never intentionally hurt me. I didn’t call initially because I knew you needed to cool down. Then I didn’t call because I was angry with you and Max. Eventually I didn’t call because I knew it was over between us and that you wouldn’t want to see me anymore. Then, sometime after, I sat in the middle of the Skywalk and fell asleep from emotional exhaustion. Only with the help of a kind park ranger was I able to rent a car. Afterwards I went to go see my parents and then I came home. The rest you know.”
Hearing the story from Emily didn’t make it any better. In fact, I felt worse. Emily was smart to make me promise her to let go of this day. I laid back and couldn’t speak for a while.
“Jake.” Emily brought her face right up to mine and forced me to look at her. “You promised to let this go. Forget about this day or I’m going to start feeling guilty about the fact that none of this would’ve happened if I had turned Max down from the onset. Do you want me to start wallowing in my guilt?”
“No… I don’t want you to put this on yourself. Okay, let’s change the subject. Why did you come all the way up to the OR that day you were leaving for Japan but run away when you saw me? That was you I saw in the elevator, right?”
“You saw me?”
“I saw you about to cry in the elevator and I ran down the stairs to catch you but couldn’t. Why didn’t you stay?”
“Well, the Chief spotted me downstairs in the lobby when I stopped by to drop off your letter and he urged me to come up. Against my better judgment I followed him up like a sheep about to be slaughtered. When I saw you walking down the corridor, thoughts about our crazy meeting in New York sprang to mind, along with the fact that you hadn’t called me in three weeks. All that combined, I didn’t want my heart broken if you were to reject me again so I got scared and ran… into an elevator.” She laughed. “If you would’ve caught me downstairs and asked me to stay, I would’ve dropped all my plans to have had one more chance with you. I guess that’s what I was secretly hoping for when I followed the Chief up to the OR.”
“But why Japan? Why did you come here and so suddenly?”
“It’s actually not as spontaneous as you think. I applied for a teaching position before I met you. They happened to have an opening in January. Timing-wise it just worked out.”
“So all this time you wrote letters to everyone but no one was able to write back to you? Did you make any friends here? It sounded like you traveled quite a bit in Japan.”
“Sarah had my contact info. If you would’ve found Sarah, you would’ve found me much earlier.”
“Yeah, I tried. Without a last name, it wasn’t easy. What is her last name by the way?”
“Well now it’s Charlie and Sarah Abner. Before, it was Jenkins and Max’s last name is Davis. Anyhow, I didn’t have too many friends here because we had a hard time communicating. But I did get to see a lot of this beautiful country. I used to go into Tokyo all the time.”
“By yourself?” I couldn’t imagine my timid girlfriend traveling the country alone.
“Yup, by myself. Aren’t you proud of me? I did a lot of things by myself. While we were apart, I became a more independent person by choice. When my parents died I survived out of sheer necessity. But out here, it was more out of a desire to learn about this country. I had a good time by my lonesome.”
“I am very proud of you, Sweetheart. Every time I read one of Jane or Nick’s letters it brought a smile to my face knowing you were living a full life despite my absence.”
“So tell me some of the things you did while I was away.”
“Well, I waited and waited for letters that never came,” I lamented.
“Am I back to being in trouble?”
“No.” I quickly kissed her lips. “I read your journal over and over again attempting to make myself believe you still loved me. Did you know I forgot all about your journal till after you left for Japan? Only when you sent your first letter to Jane was I reminded. I was giddy for weeks after reading your journal. I didn’t realize you wanted to make out with me from day one.”
“Oh, no. You can’t use my journal against me.” She started laughing. “I think I was in love with you from day one.”
I held her even closer to me. “I know I was in love with you from day one. Anyhow, I’m not using your journal against you. I’m just stating a fact. Did you keep a journal while you were here?”
“Yeah, I did.” There was a note of apprehension.
“Will you let me read it? I’d like to share what was in your heart during the months you were away from me.”
“You don’t want to read it, Jake. Of course there’s a part of me that enjoyed being here and appreciated living with the Suzukis, but there was another part of me in that journal that struggled through each day. I don’t think I want to read it again for a while.”
“Alright. Whenever you’re ready to visit that life, I’d like to do it with you, okay?”
She nodded with a smile.
With that we stopped talking and after a long and passionate embrace, I encouraged Emily to get some sleep. I could see the sun coming up. If my arms were what she needed to get a peaceful night’s rest, I would become her pillow for the night.
I couldn’t sleep. Just content holding my long lost girlfriend, I caressed her like a father holding his newborn. I could’ve held her and watched her sleep for days. She woke up mid morning with a dazzling smile.
“You’re still here,” she spoke whimsically. “It wasn’t a dream.”
“I’m still here, Love, and will be with you forever.” I kissed her head before we got up to get ready for the day.
With half the day gone, we grabbed a quick lunch and went to the Sony store to buy her a laptop.
“When does your flight leave, Jake?”
“At midnight. I have some time. What do you want to eat for dinner? Let’s go have a nice dinner then I’ll catch the Shinkansen to Osaka and fly out of there.”
“Didn’t you say you came in through Narita?”
“Yeah, but once I got there I realized it would be easier to get home via Osaka from where you were. They say it’s about an hour and a half train ride. What do you want to eat, my love?”
“I’ll give you one guess,” she answered excitedly.
“Sushi?”
“Yup!” She jumped up and down. “It’s expensive to eat sushi here. A lot more expensive than the States so I didn’t eat it too often. Now that you’re here, I’ll have to take full advantage of you.” It was good to hear Emily giggle again.
A VAIO for Emily, a PSP and Nintendo DSI for Yuki and Ryu, and a multicourse sushi dinner for the both of us, and it was time to part. As the night wore on, so did the frown on Emily’s face. It was going to be hard to separate again.
“I don’t want you to go. It feels like a dream to be back together with you. I don’t want to say goodbye anymore.” I had never seen Emily cry so hard. Impossible to believe but I was the stronger one.
“Love, it’s only for twelve days. We’ll see each other soon. After that, we don’t ever have to say goodbye. Make sure you log onto your computer at 9:00pm your time. This will serve as a substitute until Paris.”
What I really wanted to say was I’ll stay here till your school year is done. I’ll take a sabbatical and you can sleep in my arms nightly, but I didn’t.
“Okay,” she sobbed. “I’ll miss you.”
“Me, too, my love. Me too.”
We said a quick goodbye and got on our trains.
Back at home and back at work I crossed off each day with a thick black X till the twelve days were done. I started the mornings, 5:00am to be exact, on the webcam with Emily. Many of the days I had to keep our conversation G-rated due to Yuki and Ryu eavesdropping or outright participating in the background.
“Hi Jake san!” Both kids greeted me before Emily got to the computer. “Emily go to the store for making breakfast tomorrow. Can we talk to you?”
“Sure. How are you two doing?” I greeted them warmly.
“We are fine. Jake san, you marry Emily soon?”
“Can you keep a secret?” Perhaps I shouldn’t entrust my deepest secret to a couple of elementary students?
“Yes. Please tell us.”
“I am going to propose to her when I see her in Paris.”
Both kids looked at each other – mouths wide open- and yelled, “Okasan, Otosan!” Next thing I saw were four faces looking back at me on my computer. Yuki rattled off what I assumed was my secret to her parents and both their faces lit up with joy. Yuki’s mom proceeded to say, “Good luck, Jake san,” and left the conversation.
“Hey, what’s going on in here?” I heard my love walk into the room.
Both kids giggled and left the room. I should have made them promise me one more time to keep my secret. I trusted they would.
“Good morning, Honey. How are you? I’m sorry I’m late. I had to run to the neighborhood store.”
“Hi Love. What’s for breakfast tomorrow?”
“I learned to make these glutinous donuts filled with an from Mrs. Suzuki. I’m going to try them again tomorrow.”
“What’s an?”
“It’s sweet red beans. It’s delicious. I’ll make them for breakfast when I get back home.”
My heart tingled when she referred to living in my parents’ house as home. It would absolutely be her home till we got married and created our own home.
“Do you know we only have three more days till we see each other?”
“No… I haven’t been counting down the days at all,” she answered nonchalantly. “I’ve only been counting down the minutes.”
She made me laugh this time. “Did you get the ticket I sent you? Are you packed and ready to leave?”
“Thank you for the ticket and I already sent most of my stuff to your parent’s house. I will send the last box the day I leave. Honey, I have a request.”
“What is it?”
“Do you think I could leave this laptop here with the Suzukis when I leave? They’ve been so kind to me the last five months. They’ve treated me like their family and though I’ve given them a gift already, I’d like for the kids to have this computer.”
Always a sweet soul, I loved her more with each act of kindness. “Of course, you can. I’ll buy you a new computer when you get home.”
“Thank you, Jake. The kids will be thrilled. Isn’t it time for you to get to work?”
“Yeah,” I answered my voice full of regret that I didn’t stay in Japan with her.
“I’ll see you in Paris, Dr. Reid.”
“Bye, Love.”