CHAPTER 14 This Must Be Hell on Earth!
A week since Emily left, I got home from my attempt to find her in Japan and found a letter waiting for me. I tore it open recognizing Emily’s handwriting and prayed she would tell me all was forgiven and she would come home to me.
February 1
Dear Jake,
Though you probably don’t want to hear from me, I thought it would only be proper to write at least once and tell you that I am doing well. I finally got settled into Mr. and Mrs. Suzuki’s home. They have two children named Yuki and Ryu whom I will be tutoring till June.
When I first got to their house, it made me chuckle to think that their entire house could fit into your bedroom. My room is a quarter the size of your bathroom. I guess everything here is compact.
The village is peaceful. There aren’t too many cars here. We either walk from place to place or people scooter around. The school that I work at is nearby. Since all I do is go from school to tutoring, I do a lot of walking.
I hope that you are doing well. Please say hello to your parents and Chief Reid for me. And please apologize to Gram for me. Let her know I really wanted to meet her and though I’d only spoken with her once, she made a wonderful impression on my heart. Take care.
Emily
It broke my heart to read Emily’s letter but I knew she was safe and I would be able to find her one day. As fragile as her heart might be, she was a fighter and hopefully she would come around to accepting me again. Startled, I jumped when my phone rang.
“Hi Jane.”
“Jake, you’re back. Mom said Laney called to say you were in Japan looking for Emily. Did you have any luck?”
“No,” I sighed.
“Check your email. I just scanned and sent you Emily’s letter. I can’t believe she went all the way over there.” Jane began crying. “You’re such a jerk. You hurt her so badly, she doesn’t even want to talk to me. She didn’t send a return address.”
“Yeah. She did the same on my letter.”
“She wrote you a letter? What did it say?”
“She wrote just to say she was okay. I don’t know if she’s going to keep writing to me. If she continues to write to you, please send them to me. I’m going to go, Jane. I’d like to read her letter.”
February 2
Dear Jane,
Please forgive me for not having called before I left. I couldn’t get myself to talk to you after I saw Jake in New York. I’m in Japan right now teaching English. I don’t know when I’ll come back home. I hope you’ll understand when I tell you I want to sever all ties with home for a while.
I’ve made such a mess of everything. I have so many regrets – turning down your brother’s proposal so quickly, not turning down Max’s quickly enough, but the biggest regret I have was never having shown Jake how much I loved and appreciated him. I always knew deep inside he was the one for me. Why was I so scared to admit this to anyone?
Even though I didn’t get a chance to fully tell him about my love, I hope he got a good sense of it when he read my journal. I gave him my journal as his Christmas present. I hope my writing clearly illustrates these emotions.
Thank you for being such a good friend. When I get strong enough, you will be the first one I send a return address to. Until then, I’ll write… you read. Take care.
Emily
The journal. How could I have forgotten about the journal she gave me for Christmas? Frantic, I thought through Christmas night and couldn’t tear myself away from her consent to be with me that night. That consent alone should have told me she loved me and only me. Why was I so stupid? Where did she leave this journal? After tearing apart my room I found it on my bookshelf. Unwrapping the bow I sat down desperate to hear her voice again.
November 7
I met a guy yesterday who made my heart go pitter patter for the first time in a long while. I met him while looking for food at a grocery store late at night. He stared at me with a curious eye and I honestly wanted to stare back at him. He was so handsome. He was my absolute ideal – tall, dark hair, sparkling blue eyes.
I fell down at the market and this man – Jake Reid – was kind enough to take me to his hospital. I felt really lame. What a first impression. He took care of me last night and I felt so safe with him. I haven’t felt that safe since Mom and Dad were alive.
He stopped by this morning to check up on my ankle and we’re supposed to have dinner tonight. He picked me up and carried me the moment he entered my house. The last time anyone did this was when Dad carried me around the house singing to me after I woke up from a bad dream. I think he likes me? I’m not quite sure. I guess we’ll see. Sarah thinks I’m nuts for going out with a guy I met last night at a grocery store. She scolded me for letting him into the house this morning.
I told her how comfortable I felt with a guy I’d met less than twelve hours ago. Maybe I have gone off the deep end like Sarah said. I haven’t had a date in so long I’ve forgotten what’s normal and abnormal. We’ll see. I’ll write again after my date tonight. I hope my ankle cooperates. I’d really like to spend some time with this Jake Reid.
November 8
So A LOT happened since yesterday morning. Where do I begin? Jake and I went out to dinner – though I didn’t eat much beyond chips and dip. He had to leave early. We talked briefly about me and my life up until now. I was stupid enough to mention Max the first night we met so of course I had to explain more about him. Why’d I bring him up? He’s the past. Hopefully, Jake will be the future?
After the date I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy. He genuinely showed interest in me. He smiled a lot and many of the things I said made him laugh. When he brought me home, we had such an awkward good bye. All he did was stare at me for a while then he asked me out again. I was hoping he would kiss me but I guess it was a bit early to kiss someone you just met. What is wrong with me? I actually gave him a kiss on the cheek the first night we met but in all honesty, I wanted to make out with him in the car instead. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Anyhow, he came by again this morning and brought me breakfast. He asked what I liked to eat and bought one of everything from the bakery as well. I wished I hadn’t promised Eunice I’d go to her birthday party. I thought of every excuse I could give not to go. I so wanted to spend the day with Jake. He had an entire day off and I was up in Oxnard. Ugh! That was frustrating. We could have been together all day and gotten to know each other.
Sarah sensed how anxious I was to be with Jake so she had me invite him to meet us for dinner when we got back to the Westside. That Sarah knows me too well, thankfully. We all met up at a bar and the second I saw him, he kissed me!!! Oh, I forgot – he kissed me this morning as well, but very lightly. We kissed several times at the bar. I tried not to show how much I enjoyed it. I don’t think I fooled anyone. Sarah and Charlie looked completely alarmed. They’d never seen me so unscripted with a guy before.
Jake asked me to go away for the weekend and as much as I wanted to go with him alone, I thought it would be best to take Sarah and Charlie along. Funny thing – It wasn’t Jake I didn’t trust. It was me! Ha! Ha! Ha! My promises of a virtuous life till I got married was going to be challenging with this guy around.
November 10
School has been crazy busy and Jake too has been busy. I don’t know that I like dating a doctor. I can’t ever see him nor can I just call him whenever I miss him. I text from time to time but even then I feel guilty I may be taking him away from his work. There are many more people who need his attention than I do.
I thought about Max today. I hope he’s doing well. It’s been almost a year and a half since we broke up and I finally feel like I can put this all behind me. I suppose much of this is thanks to Jake. In the short few days we’ve known each other, I’ve been able to do spring cleaning to so many parts of my heart. Isn’t it strange? A few days with a new guy and four years start to erase automatically. Maybe it’s not the four years I needed to erase. It’s more the year plus of pain afterwards I’ve got to let go of.
I hope I get to see Jake soon. I miss him terribly.
November 12
Yes! He came by tonight. He called to have dinner but ended up coming over around 9:30. I don’t understand why this guy is so busy. Are there no other doctors but himself at his hospital?
Anyhow, I made him dinner and he looked shocked that I could cook. I couldn’t tell if he was just really hungry or if he thought the food tasted good. He was done eating within minutes. We talked about our day and I told him how much I despised eating alone. Though we didn’t eat together tonight, it felt wonderful to have him home with me.
Watching him eat, I felt like I had a family again. I don’t know when I last cooked for someone. Rather than going out, I’ll have to try and cook more often. I hadn’t felt that happy grocery shopping and cooking – ever! There was a purpose to what I was doing and someone to enjoy it with.
I had to kick him out earlier than either one of us would have liked. If he had stayed any longer, I really would have forgotten my promise to Mom. Yeesh! It’s going to be a long courtship if I’m feeling like this already.
November 15
We had our official second date and our first fight. Maybe fight is a bit of a harsh word. Whatever it was I didn’t like it. The morning started off great with us meeting Sarah and Charlie for brunch. I thought we’d have the whole day to get to know each other. WRONG! The hospital had other ideas. This Chief of his can be a pain! He called at the onset of our date and told Jake to go to Atlanta.
Why Atlanta??? I hope he comes home soon. I have no idea when he’ll be back. We got into a disagreement because he thought I was going to his aunt’s house for Thanksgiving but I had already made plans. I waited and waited as long as I could before buying the tickets and agreeing to Sarah’s plans. I so hoped Jake would invite me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family. I was actually feeling down he hadn’t done so yet.
Maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I think he does?!? Well, he asked me today but it was too late. He got mad at me in the car for making other plans. While driving to the airport, I thought about all of Jake’s qualities – surgeon, good family, strong & secure, always so sure of himself, has the potential to be with anyone he wants. Then I thought about me – an orphan, insecure, unsure of life in general, not the most social person out there. We are so different.
I don’t know if he and I can become a we. We’ll have to talk this through when he gets back.
November 20
It’s been five days since Jake’s been gone and we haven’t talked much beyond hi, how are you. He’s been really busy filling in for his Chief and school was really busy this week as well. I miss him! This week wasn’t much different than last week but knowing he’s not down the street leaves a huge hole in my entire being.
I can’t figure out why he has such a hold on me. I feel like his prisoner. He can make me happy and miserable all at the same time. Why am I so weak? How can a guy I just met have such a bearing on my life? I don’t know how to answer this but what I do know is that I’m miserable right now. I want to call him but can’t knowing he’s working.
How sad am I? I wonder what kind of hold I have on him… probably none! I think he likes me but we haven’t really talked about us and I don’t know if he has any thoughts of where we are headed. I guess I’m not only frustrated but I’m also confused. We’re not officially boyfriend / girlfriend but we’re definitely more than friends.
Next time we get some time together, I hope we can talk about our relationship - if a relationship is what he wants.
November 22
It’s Sunday and Jake is not going to make it up to Bacara. He’s in town but working. Maybe he doesn’t really like me? Maybe this is his way of telling me he wants to slowly end the little that we have. I’m really confused.
When I talk to him on the phone, he sounds so genuine. He’s always talking about all the things he wants to do for me and how much he wants to be with me. But in actuality, we can’t even spend an hour together. I’d like to believe it’s because of his work but maybe I’m a fool to believe this. Oh goodness. I gave my heart too quickly and too deeply to a guy I just met and I’m going to be left hurting. Why do I do this to myself?
Whenever Jake talks about us and the future, half of me is thrilled he thinks we will be together for so long but the other half is scared to death he’ll leave me. I guess this was a good lesson learned. I really need to guard my heart more and not let Jake or anyone else hurt me so readily.
Sarah and I leave for New York tonight. I asked Jake to come see me off and he promised to be there. If he doesn’t come tonight I’ll consider all things finished and let go of my feelings for Jake.
November 22
He hasn’t come. I’ve been sitting here at the airport waiting for him. I’ve delayed my flight twice and this time I have to get on. Why did I trust my heart again? Against everything I thought – it’s too soon, he’s too perfect, Sarah thinks I’m crazy – I went with my emotions. Never again.
I thought he would come see me before I left. I guess my fears have been justified. I’ll have to try and erase all that’s happened with Jake so far while I’m in New York. What a bummer trip this will be.
UGH!!!
November 22
Jake came! He came to see me! He had to operate on someone and it lasted a long time. He showed up right before I had to board. Like a fool, I cried when I saw him. My heart was so sad at the thought of having to end everything with him. I really wanted this to work more than anything!
I told him how much I missed him and I want to believe him when he said he missed me more than anyone he’s ever missed. I also confessed how he makes me so happy when we’re together and so sad when we’re not. Could it be that I love this man already? Perhaps I knew I would love him since the day we met. Whenever we’re together I feel like I’m home. No one besides my parents – not even Max – ever made me feel this safe and loved.
I can’t believe I wrote three times today. I am so exhausted. The lucky girl that I am, Jake upgraded my seat to first class (yay!) so I can sleep the next five hours into JFK.
Sigh! How will I go a whole week without him? I’ll have to start thinking of ways to get out of this trip earlier. Maybe Sarah will tell me to go home if she notices how sullen I am. Then again, maybe not.
November 25
OMG! Can this week drag on any longer??? I’m kicking myself for having agreed to come here. I feel so bad. Sarah went out of her way to be with me instead of Charlie so I wouldn’t feel lonely but I’m hating every moment of this trip. I want to be with Jake.
Thanks to Jake I’ve eaten at my dream restaurant on the East Coast – Le Bernardin. It was every bit as good as touted. And today, we leave our luxurious suite, thanks to Jake again, for Sarah’s parents’ home. Oh… I talked to Jake’s sister Jane the other day. She sounded really sweet! I can’t wait to meet her.
I wonder what Jake is doing right now. I think I’ll call him.
December 10
Jake and I just got into another fight. He came over for dinner tonight and I asked him to go to this stupid Christmas Ball and that’s when everything went wrong. He got upset with me because I didn’t ask him earlier. Well, in all honesty, he was upset because he thought I wasn’t over Max. I told him I was but he didn’t believe me.
I don’t think I like Max anymore… do I? I’m sure there’s no more love in my heart for him but there is still a lot of hurt and there is a tie that I can’t cut off just yet. I asked Jake to be a bit more understanding of my pain. He didn’t want to be – he left me mid-dinner, mid-conversation.
I hate it when people leave me. I feel abandoned. I wish Jake hadn’t left. My phone is ringing. It’s Jake but I don’t think I can answer it. As it is I can’t stop the tears. If I talk to him, it will only get worse. UGH! Now he’s texting. If I don’t respond, he’ll be worried or worse yet he’ll stop by and see what a mess I am.
I wish Mom were around. I could talk to her about boys and she would tell me how I should react to situations such as this one. She would have all the right answers for me. She was always so savvy – something I am soooo not! I miss Mom and Dad.
December 11
Max is sleeping in the guest bedroom right next to me. What a shocking turn of events. We don’t see each other for eighteen months and now only a wall and a few yards separate us.
Jake took me to the Christmas Ball and as always had to leave early. I drudged through dinner and festivities without him, but instead, with Max and his new girlfriend. After the event, Max and I ended up together – at Peter’s scheming – and we went out for dinner. It was REALLY awkward at first but soon we loosened up and had a wonderful conversation. We realized that we were not just exes, but friends, and dear ones at that. We went back to being friends and told each other about the last eighteen months.
Max told me he was in med school. I was so proud of him for figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. He also told me he was hospitalized the summer after we broke up. The minute he told me about the accident, tears came out uncontrollably. Again, I felt like an idiot! Why I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I just don’t know. Max looked comforted. He actually held me for a while. It felt weird to be in his arms. It definitely did NOT feel right anymore. He didn’t stir my heart nor tug at my emotions. I can for sure admit I don’t like him anymore!
Anyhow, Max got really mad at me when I told him how Jake makes me feel. He took it as a slam against our four years together. How could he think I believed there was anything wrong with our four years together? I loved him so much during those years. Looking back I’m glad he was there for me during that time. It would have been hard not to have had Mom, Dad, and eventually Grandma and Grandpa without Max. He was there as my comfort during those times and I’m forever grateful for his love.
Tomorrow, or later this morning, I leave for a trip with Jake. I can’t wait! He promised me a whole day together. I hope we can find some stability to this relationship / courtship / whatever is it that we’re doing. I hope Jake likes me as much as I like him. I think he does but still I’m unsure…
December 12
Today was the most amazing day! No one has ever indulged me this much – EVER! We started on a flight up to San Francisco. No- we actually started off really awkward with Jake witnessing Peter, Jeff and Max all waking up in my house. I’ve never given Jake an option of spending the night here but he walked in to see three men sleeping in my house. Not fun! He didn’t look like he was having fun either. Well, that got worked out okay, thankfully.
The first place we drove to when we got up north … FRENCH LAUNDRY! How did this man know this was my absolute dream destination? The food… heavenly! The conversation… wonderfully heartfelt. We got issues out in the open and learned a lot about each other. I told Jake everything I could about Max and hoped that he believed my honesty and sincerity.
Then we drove to their family apartment and I did something I hadn’t ever done. I fell asleep with him on the sofa. It felt wonderful to wake up next to him. He also gave me this humongous diamond ring and asked me to be in a relationship with him – FINALLY! We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It made me happy that we were officially together.
I don’t know what time it is right now but I’m still here in SF and supposed to be sleeping in Jane’s room. Jake gave me three sleeping options and my heart wanted door #1 (Jake’s room) but my mind spoke out door #2 (Jane’s room). I would love nothing more than to snuggle into bed with Jake right now.
After getting to know the basics, Jane and I had a heart to heart tonight. I like her so much! She’s genuine and kind and very similar to Jake. Both siblings are so confident. They set a goal and work to achieve it. Jane was valedictorian of her high school and graduated magna cum laude at Columbia. She thought about going into journalism but decided to go to law school instead. She said that one day she would love to write a book. She’s so articulate and bright, she will most likely write a best seller.
Now that I’ve met Jane, I’m curious to know what Nick is like. Both Reids have told me he’s the brightest in mind and personality. I can’t wait to meet him as well as the parents who raised all three wonderful people.
December 16
I had lunch with Sarah today. She told me about her new project and she also told me she thinks Charlie’s about to propose to her. It is about time. They’ve been together 8 ½ years. I don’t know how she’s waited this long. I guess it’s not hard when you already know he’s the one. They’re really no different than a married couple. Charlie loves her so much! Maybe he’ll propose on Christmas? Maybe that’s too obvious. Maybe I’ll call and see if he needs my help. Yeah, right. Like he’s going to tell me about the proposal.
Jake came by again tonight and I told him about Mom and Dad and how they got together. He liked their story a lot. Who wouldn’t like a happy ending? I wonder if we will have a happy ending? I’m beginning to believe we may be headed that way. It’s early but I think Jake’s the one.
December 23
Jake’s family is incredible. I must be dreaming. Not only is Jake the most amazing man, his family is just as wonderful.
Jake’s mom, Sandy doted on me from the moment we met at the airport. She’s so affectionate. She reminds me of Mom. Mom used to hold my hand or put her arms around me all the time. She used to always touch me no matter where we were. Sandy does the same thing. From the moment I see her in the morning, she’ll hug me good morning or she’ll rub my back when she asks me a question or she’ll just put her hands around my arm and walk with me – that is of course when Jake is not all over me.
I love the attention. She’s treated me no differently than any of her three kids. I feel like the fourth even though I’m not family. Most likely she’s like this with everyone but I’m sensitive to it because I haven’t felt a mother’s touch in so long.
Bobby, Jake’s dad is just as wonderful. He is quite verbally affectionate. He’s always complementing me or giving me choices on what I’d like to do. He does this in such a way where it doesn’t come off as just being polite. Once I figured out he wasn’t just asking out of courtesy, I started giving him my honest opinions. I even put in requests from time to time.
I don’t know if it’s right to feel so comfortable with Jake’s family. I shouldn’t unnecessarily put my hopes in a family who might never be mine.
December 25
Dear Jake,
Merry Christmas! The last two months have been a daily Christmas present with you in my life. I appreciate your unconditional love, your patience, but above all, I appreciate you. I love the way you smile when I say or do something silly and I love the way your eyes twinkle when I say the right words. But most of all, I love the way I feel every time I’m with you. You know that feeling when you go away for a while and come back home and you think… Ahhh! It’s good to be home? That comforting feeling, that, this is where I belong feeling? Well, this is what I experience whenever I see you. I am home when I’m with you.
I’m sorry I spoke so soon today after you proposed to me. That wasn’t really what was in my heart. I regretted my answer the moment it came out of my mouth but I was scared. I’ve never felt so sure about anything in my life as I do about you. How ironic. My absolute feelings about you frighten me.
I’ve known for some time that I am crazy in love with you and want nothing more than to be with you the rest of my life. I guess I’m having a difficult time believing you will still want the same thing a few years down the road. I’m sorry for doubting you. Though I turned you down today, I hope you’ll ask again and I hope I’ll be brave enough to speak what’s already in my heart.
You’ve made me look to the future with a smile and I thank you. I hope this book has given you a glimpse of how much you mean to me. Thank you for loving me.
I love You,
Your Emily
Emily, you silly, fearful and crazy girl, how can you have been so unsure of us? No wonder you so easily believed I didn’t love you anymore and left me. No wonder you could simply give up everything we had and go be alone in Japan. How many times did I tell you not to doubt my love for you? How many times did I tell you I loved you? Was it that difficult to believe me?
If there was anyone in this relationship who didn’t show their true feelings, it was you. I’m overjoyed after reading this journal. I didn’t know you loved me so much and for so long. I also didn’t know you wanted to be kissed from day one. I would have obliged happily. I wish you would have told me all your feelings. I wish I would have read this journal sooner. If I had, I wouldn’t have jumped to any wrong conclusions about you and Max.
I’m sorry for my terrible assumptions about you and Max. I know I hurt you badly. I can’t believe how mean I was to you. What pains me the most is that I left you alone at the Skywalk. Like that night at LAX, I should have believed you trusted me to come back for you. What a fool I was. Once again, I only thought about how I felt, not about how you were feeling.
Oh Emily, how lonely you must be right now. My heart grieves. Come home my love. Come back to me.
After reading Emily’s journal, I got a second wind of hope. My life flashed before me again and this time I saw Emily by my side. I didn’t know when it would happen, but I knew I would find her and spend the rest of my life loving her.
I got back to the hospital and went about my routine. Morning surgeries continued, patients appeared happy to see me back after a week absence and most of all, the Chief appreciated my almost cheerful disposition. Mom and Dad too stopped tip toeing around me and we were back to being a family again. Jane called often and sent me Emily’s letters weekly and soon Nick joined in and drove over Emily’s letters. I had a good sense of how she was doing but soon spiraled back to my abyss as she never wrote again after that first letter.
The Chief found me at lunch one day and had a funny looking grin.
“Are you excited to leave for Paris on Sunday?”
“Paris? What do you mean leave for Paris?”
“Jake. You were supposed to go to a conference for me in Paris. I guess you forgot? You’re probably not in the mood to go but the hospital is counting on you to represent us. Maybe it will be good for you to get away.”
How could a trip to Paris – a trip that was originally planned for me and Emily – be good for me at this point? But, like the rest of my life right now, I didn’t have a choice.
“Ok. I’ll go.”
“Thanks. And Jake?”
I wondered what the Chief needed now. “Yes?”
“I’m really sorry about Emily. I feel terrible I sent you up to Seattle. But I know you’ll find her soon. She can’t stay away from a charming guy like you for too long.” The Chief laughed and walked away.
That was my initial thought when Emily first left. After her confessions in her journal, I thought there would be no way she could stay away from me for too long. There again was my over estimation of my worth. Emily had been gone for almost a month and she had no thought of keeping in touch me with ever again.
No matter my state of mind and heart, Paris was stunning. Chilly but beautiful, this was a city meant to be shared with a lover. Never did I imagine I would be so depressed in Paris.
My phone rang during a lunch break.
“Jakey.”
“Hi Gram. How are you doing?”
“Have you had any contact with Emily yet? Has she called or written again?”
“No. She’s been writing Jane weekly and she’s also started writing Nick but I haven’t received anything since the first letter.”
“How are you holding up?”
“I don’t know Gram. It doesn’t get any easier as the days go by.”
“I’m coming out to see you today. Let’s meet for dinner.”
“Gram, you don’t have to do that. I’ll come see you when the conference is all over.”
“No, I think you need me there. My assistant will send you a time and place for us to have dinner. I’ll see you later today.”
“Thanks, Gram. I love you.”
“I love you too. Cheer up.”
Her call did cheer me up. There were so many people in my life who loved and cared for me. All worked to lift up my spirits. I couldn’t help but smile when I thought of my almost eighty year old grandmother flying in to see her grandson because he was distraught over losing his girlfriend.
The smile vanished the moment I pictured Emily alone in Japan without any family or friends. How suffocating it must be for her not to have anyone to talk to. I hoped she was at least communicating with her friends. Maybe it was just us she didn’t send a return address to. Perhaps all her friends had access to her and they were filling her emptiness. Thinking about her being alone, I would even welcome Max comforting her.
Dinner couldn’t come fast enough. Gram and I met for an early dinner at L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon. A bit casual for Gram’s taste; it would have been a restaurant right up Emily’s culinary delight. She would have loved the prix fixe menu that included her favorite caviar and foie gras. There was even a chocolate dessert with Oreos that would have delighted her. There wasn’t an item on the menu she wouldn’t have wanted to try. Gram caught me as I let out a huge sigh.
“My favorite Grandson!” She hugged me dearly. She knew I needed to be loved.
“Hi Gram. Did you have a nice flight over here?”
“I took the Chunnel in. I can’t stand the crowd at the airport anymore. It’s easier for me to get around on the train. Have you ordered for us?” Even in her old age, my grandmother was stunning.
“I thought we’d order the pre-fixe. Would that be okay with you?”
“Of course. I’ve always wanted to eat here. I usually end up at La Table. This is for younger people like you and Emily so I thought we could check it out. You can come back here with Emily next time.”
I sighed again at the mention of Emily.
“Gram, I screwed up badly. I don’t know when and if I’ll ever see Emily again. She’s never coming back to me.”
“Jakey, don’t believe that. She’ll come back once the school year is done. A break is always good for a couple. Look at how much you miss each other.” Gram put her arms around me and hugged me again.
“I don’t know if she misses me. She left thinking I didn’t want her anymore. She’s probably trying her best to forget me.”
“Jakey… if she didn’t love you as much as she did, she wouldn’t have moved half way around the world to try and forget you. This is the kind of love you can’t let go of so easily. Jane tells me she writes about you in her letters. Emily needs some time to heal herself but she won’t stop loving you.”
“Gram, what kills me is that Emily has cut off communication with everybody. She’s living in a country where she can’t possibly have a sincere conversation with anyone. She’s hurting alone. Every time I think about this, it eats me up inside. And I pushed her to this. If I hadn’t been so hard on her… If I had just called her… None of this would have happened.”
“Jakey, don’t be so hard on yourself. She wouldn’t have gone away if she didn’t think she could take care of herself. Let me tell you a story about your grandpa and how we almost didn’t get married. You’ll enjoy it.”
“What do you mean? You two were crazy in love. I don’t think I knew anyone who loved each other as much as you and Gramps.”
Gram smiled knowingly. Her eyes watered thinking about her husband who passed away too soon. “Jakey, you remind me most of your grandfather. You have that same passion and drive. My father was like that as well. That’s probably why I favor you. You remind me of my two favorite men.”
I never knew this. Our courses began to arrive and knowing how much Emily would have enjoyed this food I stared at all the plates set before me. Rather than eat, I sat back and listened to Gram’s story. Since I knew it had a happy ending I hoped to learn something from the story and apply it to my life with Emily.
“I met Jerry in college in London. He was attending medical school while I was in my junior year in undergrad. Your grandfather was so handsome. You look a lot like him though I think your grandpa was even better looking than you.” We both chuckled at her comment.
“Your grandpa courted me for a year then asked me to marry him. I thought as soon as I graduated, I’d be married and live a happy life.”
“So what happened? It sounds like everything was going well.”
“Jerry decided he didn’t want to go into medicine but instead he wanted to go to business school. Against his parents’ wish he dropped out of medical school and decided to get his MBA in America.”
“I assume you got married and followed him out to the States?”
“No!” she answered emphatically. My Gram sounded as cute as Emily when she was upset. This time I put my arms around her and kissed her cheek.
“Gram, you can be so cute at times.”
She answered back with another knowing smile.
“Jerry’s parents cut him off financially and he didn’t want us to get married till he was out of school. He didn’t want me to suffer in America – heaven forbid I’d get a job and help support him through school. He told me to stay here for another three years while he got his degree and he said he’d come back for me. I argued against the idea but he up and left one day without a word. I was heartbroken. This to me was no different than him breaking off the engagement. ”
“Obviously you waited or I wouldn’t be here today.”
“I wrote to him and told him I was going to marry the next boy who looked my way. He basically laughed at me in his letter. I got so mad, I went to study fashion in Paris and I told my parents not to give Jerry my forwarding address.”
“No way. You went off by yourself? So did great grandma really not tell Gramps where you were?”
“Both my parents were furious at Jerry for making me flee to Paris so they kept to their agreement and wouldn’t tell him where I was.” Gram started laughing at this point. “During my time in Paris, I met another man and he was crazy about me. I didn’t love him like I loved Jerry but I was so mad at Jerry I accepted this guy’s proposal. And, as soon as I accepted his proposal, I sent a letter with my address telling Jerry about my impending marriage. Well, he came across the Atlantic faster than I could pick out a wedding dress.”
“Was he penitent or was he mad?” If I were Gramps I would probably be a bit of both knowing the love of my life was willing to marry another man.
She cackled away this time. “Jerry showed up at my apartment but I wouldn’t see him. He begged me not to marry anyone else. He slept outside my door for almost a week. I would sneak out to class early in the morning when he was asleep and my roommates would let him in the apartment to shower and change when I wasn’t around. A week later, after I thought he’d suffered enough, I let him in the apartment and asked him why I should marry him instead of my fiancé.”
“What did he say?”
Gram had a nostalgic look in her eyes. “He didn’t say a word. Instead he kissed me passionately and we spent our first night together.”
“Oh Gram!” I was a bit grossed out. “I didn’t need to know that. Way too much information – though that was a beautiful story.”
“I wanted you to know this story because I believe true love has a way of finding itself no matter how long the separation. You’ll find her and when you do, don’t ever let her wonder whether or not you love her.”
“Thank you, Gram. I hope Emily has someone to comfort her during this time as I have found comfort in you.” Despair entered my mind as I knew Emily had no one to ease her pain.
March, April and most of May went by much too slowly. As Jane reminded me in our many conversations, I waited for Emily’s school year to be done. We both believed she would be back home in June or at least let Jane know where she would be for the summer.
Against my wishes, Mom decided to throw me a birthday dinner, party, festivities or whatever else it could be called. I woke up on my 31 birthday more depressed than ever. It was May 19 here, which meant it was the 20 in Japan and it was Emily’s birthday as well. She was spending it by herself in a foreign land. I hoped she had made some friends but knowing my love, even if she had made friends, she wouldn’t let any of them know it was her birthday.
The Chief and I came home early from work and the party was in full swing already. There was a room full of family and friends but I wished more than anything to be alone right now. I wasn’t in a celebratory mood. Gram called and I talked to her for a while and Jane walked in the door and surprised me as well. I walked over to thank Mom for helping me through these difficult days. It was bittersweet every time I appreciated my family for their abundant love because I was reminded of Emily who didn’t have any of this in her life.
The doorbell rang and I walked over to greet the mailman who delivered a couple of packages. One was from Gram, the other – it was from Emily! I ran up to my room and ripped open the package. She had sent me a letter and a gift.
May 10
Dear Jake,
Happy Birthday! I did my best to have this reach you on your birthday. I hope I was successful. What did you do for your birthday? I guess it’s silly to ask since you can’t answer back.
I’ve been doing well here in Japan and my Japanese has improved quite a bit. Have you ever visited Japan? It’s absolutely gorgeous here. The food, of course is heavenly. Do you know people here don’t eat as much sushi as they do in the States – though of course, I still eat it a lot.
I hope this has been a wonderful day for you. I’m sure your family has showered you with love and attention today. This probably wasn’t the best idea but I’m sending you a gift. I found these cufflinks during my trip to Tokyo last week. I was at a department store when I noticed these beautiful pieces with your initials on them. What were the chances of that? I thought these would look nice with that blue shirt you were wearing the night we met at the grocery store. They will both bring out the beautiful blue in your eyes.
If you don’t like them, I understand. You gave me so many gifts while we were together I wanted to reciprocate in a very small way. I’m sorry I was always so selfish. I don’t think I ever gave you enough – whether materially or emotionally. I was always on the receiving end. Lucky me!
I wish we had spent more time together before we separated. There aren’t enough memories for me to think about when I’m here by myself. I guess we won’t be celebrating our birthdays together, huh? I had looked forward to our back to back celebrations. It will be difficult to spend those two days without you.
I’m sorry to be rambling about. It’s a bit tough being alone tonight. My mom died seven years ago today and I wish I could be with her in Texas right now. I also wish you could be there with me. You always knew the right things to say to comfort me when I thought about my parents. I miss you, Jake.
Maybe when I return in a few years I’ll be lucky enough to run into you or perhaps fall into you at the grocery store again.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Please say hello to your family for me.
Emily
Even before I put her letter down, I wept like a child. After all I’d done to her, she never once blamed me but always blamed herself for our separation. I knew she would be by herself today. How difficult it must have been for her the day she wrote me this card. Oh Emily. Please come home to me. What do you mean you’ll return in a few years? I can’t last much longer without you. I miss you, Love.