CHAPTER 12 What Have I Done?
We spent a beautiful night together. I woke up several times watching Emily sleep in my arms and I cherished her more this night than I had our entire two months together. I pulled her in as close to me as possible and hoped for more nights like these to come soon.
Way too early, Emily woke up frantic. She pulled away telling me she had to go home and pack for her road trip.
“What?” Where was she going without me, I thought. “You’re going somewhere?”
“I’m going to Vegas with my college friends, remember? I have to leave right now.” She tried to get up.
“Don’t go. Stay a little longer. I’ll fly you out to Vegas later today.” This would give me another hour with her before I had to go into the hospital.
She wouldn’t go for it since everyone was supposed to meet at her house. She jumped out of bed the first chance she got and hurried out the door.
“I’ll call you later. I love you.” She whispered and left the house.
Whenever she told me she loved me, it sent shivers down my spine. I couldn’t believe she was finally admitting it. Those precious words lingered long after they were said. I too jumped out of bed and got ready to go see Emily before she left me for three days in Vegas with all her friends and one ex-boyfriend.
“Where are you off to so early? Do you have an early surgery?” Mom and Dad asked as I ran straight for the front door without even noticing them at the breakfast table.
“I’m off to see Emily before she leaves for Vegas with her college friends. Why are you both up so early? You must be tired from last night. It was a wonderful dinner, Mom. Emily and I enjoyed it very much, thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Son. Everyone seemed to enjoy meeting Emily. Compliments were overflowing last night on how sweet she was and how you two made a lovely couple.” Mom’s words were encouraging.
“Gram called not too long ago and told us how pleased she was with Emily as well. She mentioned Emily sounded lovely and would take good care of her favorite grandson. She told me to make sure you treat her well and she wants you to bring her to London soon. End of March is too late, she says.” I’d have to talk to Emily and see if she could take a few days off and go for a long weekend to see Gram in the next month. Once Gram decided she wanted something, it had to be done, soon.
“Alright, Dad. I’ll talk to Emily today and let her know. We’ll try to go see Gram within the month.”
I drove to pick up breakfast for my love and got to her house right at 6:30. I didn’t see any cars outside so I assumed no one had arrived yet. Perfect. I’d have some alone time with her before she left. Walking up to her house, my phone rang.
“A bit early to be calling me, don’t you think, Chief?”
“Then shall I take back this trip to Paris I was going to offer you and Emily this February?”
“What? What trip to Paris?”
“There’s a conference in Paris I was going to attend but can’t. Since you were kind enough to fill in for me in Atlanta, I thought I’d give you the opportunity to spend a week in Paris with that lovely girlfriend of yours. I can’t believe someone that sweet and beautiful wants to be your girlfriend,” the Chief laughed. “Anyhow, I transferred my plane ticket to your name, a hotel has already been booked, and there’s even an expense account for meals for a week. You just need to buy a ticket for Emily.”
“Fantastic! Finally, you’re compensating us for all our interrupted dates. We’ll take it. I’ll let Emily know. I’m about to walk into her house now. Thanks, Chief.”
“You’re welcome. Don’t be late to work.”
This was turning out better than I expected. We could go to Paris for the conference then go see Gram in London. I nearly skipped to Emily’s door. I rang the doorbell and it opened to a surprised Emily. She obviously wasn’t expecting me.
“Good morning, my love. I wanted to stop by and see your face before you left.” I closed the door and couldn’t part from her lips knowing we’d be separated for a while. “Love, I’ve never slept as well as I did last night. We’re going to have to have more slumber parties. How did you sleep?”
Taking her breakfast off my hands, Emily slyly grinned. She wouldn’t answer me but I knew she slept well. I supposed she didn’t have to answer me as I watched her sleep throughout the night. She slept like an angel.
I told her about the conference in Paris and my wish to go with her. She looked reluctant until I told her that Gram wanted to see her sooner than March. Her qualm abandoned, she said she would work it out with her principal to get a week off in February. I took that as a yes and mentally began planning my trip to Europe with my girlfriend. A proposal in Paris was definitely high on the priority list. A month and a half should be plenty of time for her to sort out her feelings.
When it came time for both of us to leave I took her bag and carried it out for her. As I reached for her hand, I noticed she was wearing the eternity band on her finger – the fourth, ring finger!
“You’re wearing the ring… on your finger?” My spirits were flying high.
“You noticed, finally?” She kidded that the ring was too heavy on her neck and that she wanted to see if it would be any better on her finger. Lucky for me, it only fit on her ring finger. Then, she turned to me to reveal, “I am committed to you as your loving girlfriend. When I see us heading towards that last step, you’ll be the first to know.”
I saw cars pull up to and her friends get out. I knew this would embarrass Emily but I couldn’t help myself, especially not after that kind of confession.
“I love you Emily,” I declared before grabbing her and kissing her deeply. I’d never longed to kiss her as much as I did this moment. Her declaration wasn’t much different than an acceptance to my proposal. Emily joyfully reciprocated till she heard her friends talking in the background. She pulled away and hid herself for a while trying to undo her rosy cheeks.
She let out a sigh for the both of us at the thought of being apart. “I love you, Dr. Reid. Now go. Save lives.” She nudged my arms away from her body.
“Hi Jake,” Sarah greeted me. “Did you have a good Christmas? How was Hawaii?”
“It was fantastic!” I gleamed. “How was your Christmas? You went up to Oxnard?”
“Yeah. It was great. What did you get Emily for Christmas?”
“You’ll have to ask her. I tried to give it to her but she wouldn’t take it. But, I got an unbelievable present from Emily last night.”
I left it at that knowing Sarah would put Emily through a rigorous question and answer session. I looked back at my girlfriend and smiled. She shook her head. I would be in trouble when she got back from Vegas. I’d be happy to be in trouble as long as she got back as soon as possible.
My day at the hospital was as crazy as expected. Being on vacation for almost a week, it was hard to get back into the routine. During a quick respite, I texted Emily.
Last night was even more amazing than our first night in Hawaii. Miss you. Love you.
You just got everyone in this car wondering what happened to us last night. Don’t text personal messages!
Why did you let everyone read my message?
I didn’t. Charlie stole the phone from me and read it out loud.
Ha Ha Ha ! I’m okay with you kissing and telling.
I’m not. I hope you don’t go around kissing and telling.
I wouldn’t dare. I’ve got to go. They’re paging me.
Of course they are. Bye.
Nick called to have dinner so I left work and met him and Doug near Nick’s apartment.
“Why are you guys at your apartment during vacation?” I asked. “I’m actually glad you guys called. I need to move my stuff out of my house tonight. I’ll buy dinner if you’ll both help.”
“We figured you’d buy dinner regardless. I can help but where are you moving to?” Doug asked.
“I’m moving back into Mom’s. I want to be closer to Emily. They live near each other.”
“She really doesn’t have a sister?”
“No, Doug. She’s an only child. She actually doesn’t have any family. Her parents passed away.”
“That’s a bummer!” they both replied.
“How sad for sis not to have a family.” Nick seemed really bothered. “I’ll have to be even nicer to her.”
“You do that, Nick. She’ll appreciate it. As it is, she told me how much she likes you. She enjoyed spending time with you in Hawaii.”
“Did she say she likes me too?” Doug eagerly asked.
“No, she thought you were creepy,” I answered laughing at him.
On my way to the house, I called Emily to see what she was up to.
“Hello, Love. What are you doing right now?”
“Hi Jake!” Her excited voice always made my heart thump a bit harder. “We’re on our way to the stadium. Are you done with work already? How did morning surgery go?”
“I’m exhausted. I was in surgery almost all day. Then I had dinner with Nick and Doug and now I’m on my way to my house in the valley. I got Nick and Doug to help me move tonight.”
“You’re moving already?”
“Yeah. I want to be closer to you. Can I move into your house instead of Mom’s?”
“Okay. You can live in my house and I’ll go live with your mom and dad.”
“Can we both live with Mom and Dad?”
She quickly changed the subject. “Are you working New Year’s Day? Sarah, Charlie and I want to go to the parade. Will you go with us?”
“Thanks to you, the Chief gave me the day off. Do Sarah and Charlie want to come to the tailgate party? I don’t think I can get any more tickets to the game but they’re more than welcome to come to Chief’s party.”
“None of us wants to go to the party or the game. We don’t like your team. We’re coming back to my house after the parade.”
“Emi… you have to go to the party. My whole family will be there. I’ll buy you an ‘SC outfit to wear,” I laughed imagining the scowl on her face.
“Yeah… real tempting…”
“When do you come home? I don’t know that I like you being with Max as many days as you were with me in Hawaii. Can I come see you tomorrow? I’ll be done with work early. I’ll fly in and get a room and you can stay with me instead.”
“Stay home. We’re here till Monday. I’ll be home sometime in the afternoon. Come over after work and I’ll make you dinner. I miss you. Good night.”
With that, I was forced to hang up and start my move. Since Nick and Doug helped it didn’t take long to move out my belongings. We drove back to Mom’s and they both stayed. All of us spent a good portion of the night playing video games in my room. Nick tried to convince Doug to spend the night but he opted to walk across the street to his home and sleep in his own bed.
The day started before the sun got up again. Today would be nonstop work so I texted Emily before leaving for the hospital.
I have a very long day today. I will not be able to call till late afternoon. Have a fun day. I love you.
Surprisingly my phone rang.
“Hi Jake. Are you off to work already?” There was something wrong with my Emily.
“Emi. Why are you up so early? Are you alright?”
“I’m alright.” The sullen voice told me she wasn’t alright. Something had gone wrong last night. I could only guess who set her off again. “My back was hurting on this couch so I couldn’t get a good night’s sleep.”
What was she doing on a couch? “Emily, why are you sleeping on a couch?”
She explained to me about their crazy back to college hotel scenario where everyone slept in one giant suite. I knew she would refuse but this arrangement didn’t sit well with me.
“Emi, let me get you a room. Sarah can join you or I’ll fly in later and stay there with you.”
Of course she wasn’t happy with my suggestion. “Please, don’t do that!” she begged me.
“Alright but Emi, are you sure you’re okay? You sound sad. Did something happen with Max again? Do you want me to fly in today?”
She began explaining why she wasn’t herself this morning but the moment her voice cracked I knew she was hurting about something. Regardless of her answer, I decided to fly in to Vegas later today and make sure she was alright. She probably had another fight with Max. She really needed to stop seeing him.
Emi abruptly hung up our conversation and I left for work with a queasy feeling in my heart. Whenever she spent any time with Max she reverted back to the Emily I first met. All our progress undid itself automatically. Even after Hawaii, her declaration of love and spending a night together, I was unsettled about our conversation just now. Perhaps I was thinking too much into this situation. Once I got to Vegas, my jitters would hopefully be proven wrong.
None of the texts that were sent throughout the day got any response. It was unlike Emily not to answer back immediately. I got very worried. Thanks to the holidays, my schedule cleared earlier than normal so I drove to Burbank airport eager to comfort my love.
Remembering Emily telling me everyone was staying at the Palazzo I drove the rental car there but realized I didn’t know what room they were staying in. I texted one more time hoping she was able to pick up her messages by now.
Emi. I am here at the Palazzo but don’t know where to go. Please call me or text back a room number.
#2260
Fantastic. She was here. Everything would be okay as soon as I saw her. Sarah opened the door to greet me with a worried face.
“Hi Jake. Does Emily know you’re here? Have you spoken with her today?”
I was alarmed by Sarah’s question. “No, I haven’t spoken with her. You mean she’s not here? Who just texted back?”
“That was me,” Sarah answered.
“I’ve tried calling her all day. Where could she be?” Now I was really worried.
“We’re not quite sure. She’s been gone since early morning. I got up around seven and couldn’t find her. She left her phone and wallet here. Ugh! I shouldn’t have let Charlie fall asleep in our room. I’m so worried about her.” Sarah looked like a mother who had lost her child.
“Sarah, I’m sure she’s alright. I talked to her early this morning and she sounded upset about something. Do you know if something happened with Max again last night?”
“I’m not quite sure. I didn’t see her last night either.” Sarah’s face told me she was hiding something.
“Didn’t you go to the game together?”
“Yeah…” She stopped talking.
“Sarah, please! What happened last night?”
“Well, Peter got all separate tickets and he sent Emily off with Max. Because we were so far from one another we all decided to catch a cab back to the hotel after the game. Emily was with Max the whole time and I know I heard them come in at some point, but it looked like they were going back out somewhere.”
“Why would she go out with him?” My voice rose, angry and frustrated. I couldn’t understand why she felt the need to spend unnecessary time with her ex.
Sarah tried to defend her friends. “I’m not quite sure what happened but it probably wasn’t anything serious. Why don’t you hang out with us? Emily should be back soon.
Suddenly, I felt a sick knot in my stomach. Sarah saw it on my face and feared having to answer my next question. “Is Emily with Max right now?” I asked slowly hoping she wouldn’t confirm my fears.
“We think they’re together but we’re not sure.”
“Sarah! What does that mean?”
She attempted an explanation but fortunately for both of us, Peter came in the room and explained what had happened.
“Jake.” Peter looked surprised. “When did you get here?”
“Just now, do you have news of Emily?”
“Yeah. Max called to say they got stranded at the Grand Canyon. They can’t get back tonight.”
This was only getting worse.
“How come they hadn’t called all day?”
“His phone wouldn’t work down there. They’re at the basin of the canyon. I’ll call him back and let Emily know to call you.”
“Thanks.”
“Jake, it’s not as serious as you think. Please don’t be upset with Emily. Understand that they are still friends. I’m sure it upsets you that she’s with Max but the two of them together is really no different than Emily being with Peter.”
I appreciated her comforting words though they didn’t comfort at all. My phone finally rang.
“Jake? What are you doing in Vegas?” A guilt ridden voice greeted me.
“Emi. Where have you been? I got worried when you didn’t answer your phone all day.”
“Well… I’m a bit stuck here in the Grand Canyon right now. A certain ex-boyfriend of mine brought me out to the Canyon then got us stranded.”
“Why can’t you get back tonight? How did you get out there in the first place?”
“We got on one of those helicopter rides and we missed the flight out of here. We’re stuck here for the night. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have come here if I knew you were coming to see me.”
“Let me get a helicopter to come and get you. I don’t want you to be down there without me.” I couldn’t admit I didn’t want her to spend a night with Max. I’m sure she knew what I meant.
“It’s no use, Jake. They can’t come down here without the Haulapai Indians’ permission. Plus where we are, you have to walk at least another hour. It will be too dark by then.”
I let out an annoyed sigh.
“Why don’t you spend the night in Vegas and come into the Grand Canyon tomorrow morning? I’d love to go to the Skywalk with you. Can you do that or do you have to work tomorrow?” She was trying to use that same voice she used on me last night before we ended up in bed together. It wasn’t working its charm like it did last night.
“Emily. Where will you sleep tonight?”
“Right here on the ranch. Max and I will stay here, and then take a mule ride first thing in the morning up to the skywalk.”
Even more aggravated at the thought of them being anywhere near each other during the night I questioned, “Why are you there with him?” Then I quickly added, “Never mind, you don’t need to answer that.”
“I love you, Jake and I miss you. I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”
“Alright. I’ll see you then. Sleep well.”
“Good night.”
“Everything okay?” Sarah pierced into my eyes.
“Yeah, I suppose,” I answered glumly.
Sarah asked Peter and Charlie to go have dinner with all the other guys and she suggested we go and have dinner on our own. She said she wanted to talk to me. We walked into CUT Steakhouse and sat down to have our meal.
“Emily will be green with envy if she knows I’m here with you. She’s been dying to come here,” Sarah informed me. I’d have to dine here again tomorrow if that was Emily’s culinary wish.
“Jake.” I was still in my own world worried about Emily and Max having spent too many days together. Sarah understood my woes. “Emily deeply loves you and only you. She hasn’t loved Max in a long time.” It was kind of Sarah to care about my feelings.
“I know she loves me but she gets in this weird funk whenever she spends too much time with Max. I don’t want him to undo all the progress we’ve made. It wasn’t easy getting this far with your overly-cautious best friend.”
Sarah started cracking up. “I wouldn’t worry if I were you. She’s head over heels in love with you. She told me you proposed after Hawaii?”
“Yeah, only to be rejected without a second thought.”
“You are always so sure of yourself and you come on so strong, it scares her. Though she hasn’t admitted it, she regrets saying no.” I was happy to hear Sarah’s conclusion. “Do you know what it took for her to agree to sleep with you? Just the consent alone tells me she wants to be with you the rest of her life. She never once wavered with Max. Give her some time, she’ll come around.”
“Sarah, I don’t understand why she’s so scared all the time. Why does she always believe I’ll leave her?”
“Because she thinks you’re too perfect. You shower her with love and gifts and do whatever you can to give her everything she wants. Max was an introvert just like Emily. He could never express his love for her like you did. This really bothered her. She was never fully sure that he loved her as much as she loved him. Maybe because she had been alone for so long, she always wanted assurance from Max and he couldn’t give that to her.”
“But I give her that assurance continually and yet she’s still not convinced.”
Sarah laughed in the middle of chewing her steak. “When Emily used to describe her perfect guy to me long before you came along, she described you to a T. Her ideals have come to life and it scares her. She just told me yesterday you were too good to be true in her mind. You’re like a dream and she’s waiting to wake up to her reality. But, she loves you madly.”
“Okay, so if she loves me so much, why do tears glisten in her eyes every time Max enters the picture?”
“Have you not seen how tender hearted your girlfriend is? Max was her best friend and she considered him her family. Someone this close to her betrayed her one day. If I or Peter or Charlie had done this to her, she would be just as hurt. Obviously, it’s worse because Max was her boyfriend. Don’t take those tears so personally. She’s just being Emily.”
I felt much better after our talk. Prior to our talk, I knew Emily loved me. But now I believed Emily loved only me.
“Can you tell me about Max? Why did he leave Emily? I can’t understand how Emily could have been so wrong about him. She thought he was going to propose to her but instead he leaves her… I don’t get it.”
Sarah’s mouth twisted oddly and she stopped eating. Her silence scared me. “Do you really want to know?”
“Do you know something Emily doesn’t know?”
She nodded yes.
“I’ll tell you if you promise not to tell Emily. I guess it won’t matter. Emily has you now.” Her comment frightened me even more.
“Emily was right. Max was going to propose to her on graduation night.”
“What?!?” I dropped my utensils. “What happened?”
“To make a long story short, he couldn’t reconcile his desire to marry her with his lack of a future. He let her go thinking it was the best thing to do for her. After all she’d been through with her parents, he wanted her to have a stable and secure life with someone... like you, perhaps. Maybe Max knew you were just around the corner. It literally almost killed him to be away from her. As much as you don’t want to hear this, Max loved Emily just as much as you love her.”
Sarah’s words absolutely changed the way I viewed Max. While Sarah perused the dessert menu, my mind couldn’t let go of Max’s selfless act. Could I give up my love so she could have a better life? It was a gamble I wouldn’t take but for Max, he gave up Emily believing she would find someone better than himself. He truly did love Emily more than his own life. Did he love her more than I loved her?
A chilling thought crept into my mind. “Sarah, you don’t think Max will try and win Emily back do you? He wouldn’t propose to her or anything like that, right?”
“I don’t think so and even if he did try, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Charlie and I were bowled over when we saw you and Emily that first weekend you two met. She was a whole other person the way she flirted with you.”
“That was a fun weekend,” I agreed. “Thanks, Sarah. I feel much better.”
“Thank you. What a fantastic dinner. I’ll have to gloat when I see your girlfriend tomorrow. I promise you, she’ll pout.”
I chuckled as I enjoyed watching my Emily pout.
Early the next morning, I left Vegas along with Sarah, Charlie and Peter, who wanted to visit the Skywalk. Charlie rode with me while Sarah hung out in Peter’s car. During the three hour ride, we talked mostly about our girlfriends.
“So… can I ask if you and Sarah are getting married anytime soon?” Possibly it was too personal to ask this but I felt comfortable enough.
“Well, can I trust you to keep this information from your girlfriend? If Emily finds out, there’s no way I can keep it a secret from Sarah.”
“I promise. I won’t say a word.”
“I bought a ring a few weeks ago and I was going to propose on Christmas but Sarah seemed suspicious so I didn’t go through with it. After 8 ½ years, it’s hard to surprise her. She reads me like a romance novel.” We both cracked up at this comment. “I heard you popped the question already.” Charlie had a I feel for you look on his face.
“Yeah. I think it was way too soon for my girlfriend. She rejected me even before I finished my question.”
“Sarah told me Emily sounded like she regretted saying no to you. Since I divulged my only secret, will you tell me something?”
I looked over at him wondering what he would want to know.
“The text message you sent while we were driving over to Vegas… there’s no way you and Emily… not after she held out for four years with Max.” His head shook automatically along with a “no...”
I laughed at him. “Emily warned me never to kiss and tell.”
“No way! I don’t believe you. Not our Emily.”
“Correction, she’s my Emily and no… we didn’t do anything to change your views of her. Her status hasn’t changed.”
“So what was the text all about?” Charlie wouldn’t let it go. I had to tell him something.
“Emily was extremely tired in Hawaii after our first day and I coaxed her into bed with me but nothing happened. We were probably both snoring away. It was an exhausting day.”
“Oh…” He sounded disappointed there wasn’t much else. “That’s still huge you slept in the same room with her – in the same bed.”
“Yeah, she was pretty freaked out when she got up in the morning.” A silly smiled donned my face picturing Emily in that white robe, hair all knotted because it was wet from the night before, and unable to walk from all the exercise. “So when are you going to propose? Do you have another date in mind?”
“Yeah. We are supposed to go to Napa over the three day weekend so I thought I’d do it there on a hot air balloon.”
“That sounds great. Maybe proposing in a car wasn’t the best idea. Next time it’ll be in a much more romantic setting.”
“There’s a next time already?” Charlie looked surprised.
“Oh yeah. We’re going to Paris in February for a week and I plan to ask again. With that kind of setting, Emily’s bound to say yes. If she rejects me again, I might keep her hostage there until she changes her mind.” We both got a good chuckle.
Finally arriving at the Skywalk a bit after 8:00 we all walked over looking for Emily and Max. There were so many people on the Skywalk it was hard locating the two of them. I scanned everyone who looked to be about Emily’s build and finally I found her right in the middle of the skywalk. Delighted to see her, I hastened my pace. Oddly, she looked frozen and only looked down even though I continued to call out her name.
Following her eye, I stared at her view and saw Max on one knee holding onto Emily’s left hand. If I didn’t know better, it looked like Max was proposing to my girlfriend. Angrily I shouted her name. “Emi!” All eyes peered her way and I could hear Sarah groaning, “What is he doing? Why is Max on his knee?” Sarah sounded as aghast as I felt.
“Sweetheart.” I got to Emily as quickly as possible and turned her away from Max. “Are you alright?” She looked scared. “What just happened?” I angrily turned this question towards Max.
Charlie and Peter came and pulled Max away while Sarah made sure Emily was okay. Adding to my anger Max put his hands on Emily’s arms and told her, “Em, take your time, I’ll wait.” I didn’t have to ask Emily to figure out what had just happened. He used his time with Emily to try and win her back.
But, I still needed Emily to explain what I just witnessed.
“What happened, Emily? What was that all about?”
She stayed silent.
“Emi, please. Can you tell me why I saw Max on his knee?” She still wouldn’t talk. Her silence agitated and infuriated me. To me this silence was no different than a confession. Something happened between the two of them yesterday and she was defending their actions. Frustration mounted and I yelled at her. “EMILY!”
Tears brimmed to the edge of her eyes but she didn’t cry. She kept her head down and quietly answered, “Max just proposed to me.”
She confirmed my fear. “Why would he do that? What happened between you two yesterday? Did something happen last night?” I yelled even louder.
As soon as I said those words Emily’s big brown eyes looked betrayed and the tears flowed. Initially I felt guilty for accusing her of something I knew she would never do but my anger got the best of me.
“What happened last night?” I asked again angrier than I should’ve been.
She defended herself and Max and told me nothing happened. In my heart I knew Emily didn’t love Max and I knew she would do nothing to hurt me but my words kept betraying me.
“Why would he be encouraged enough to propose to you, if nothing happened?”
Emily explained what Sarah told me last night at dinner and at this point, I wanted to apologize to Emily for being so furious with her and forget Max’s proposal ever happened.
“So what did you say to him?” Of course I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear how she rejected Max’s proposal.
“Jake…” She stopped and my heart sank. Was that fear or contrition in her voice? “I didn’t get a chance to answer Max.”
“What do you mean you didn’t answer him? Emily, I don’t understand.” There must be something wrong here, I thought. This was all a serious nightmare.
Emily’s face, full of sorrow and pain, explained it all . “Jake, I’m sorry. I don’t know why but I went mute. I was in such shock when he asked me… and I knew the right answer was no… but it wouldn’t come out. Then you came and… I don’t know what happened.”
Now, I was the one in pain. “How could you turn down my proposal without a second thought but give his proposal a second chance?” I couldn’t believe my ears. The woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was contemplating whether or not she wanted to spend the rest of her life with not me – but Max.
She tried to defend herself again. “I’m not giving him another chance. I don’t want to marry him!” This time she was angry and adamant.
“Then why didn’t you tell him that?” I was even more incensed.
Deflated, she answered, “I don’t know… but I will… I will as soon as I see him.”
Emily then tried to talk to me and tell me how she loved me. The only words I could hear in my mind at this time was Emily saying no to me and yes to Max. After all I had done for her, after the abundant love I had given her, it ended with her choosing her past boyfriend of four years over me. I decided to walk away before I uttered something I may really regret.
Emily’s cries echoed in the background as I walked into the crowd. With no more desire left to try persuading her to love me and me only, I drove the car back home. I figured she’d prefer to catch a ride with Max and her friends.
Everywhere I turned I saw bleakness. A life without Emily was not in my plans. I pictured us getting engaged at the Eiffel Tower in February and being married by the end of summer. We’d take a long passionate honeymoon on some island and spend time in those island huts she’d put on her bucket list. Rather than teaching, she could take cooking classes and enjoy the time till our first child was born. I imagined the joy of a first great grandchild in the Reid family. He or she would be spoiled by every aunt, uncle and cousin, not to mention the immediate grandparents. We would host Sunday barbeques. We’d raise the kids, retire and love each other till we died. Emily, how could you not want this future for us?
Angry as I was I felt guilty walking out on Emily. I knew she was hurt and I knew she’d be crying. I hoped Sarah would take care of her. Where would we go from here?
Next morning was New Year’s Day and I woke up to the sound of my phone.
Happy New Year, Jake. I’m alone in Texas right now visiting my parents. My parents would have liked meeting you. You three would’ve gotten along well. I thought this new year would bring us closer together. I guess I botched up my own hope. My new hope is that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I would like to share with you what’s in my heart right now. Please call me.
I was too angry to call yet heartbroken envisioning my girlfriend alone on New Year’s Day. How lonely she must feel right now, by herself. I wanted to fly out and be with her and meet her parents. She sounded penitent in her text but I still couldn’t rid my mind of Max, down on his knee, proposing. I decided to ignore her text and go to work.
To my annoyance, Jane came out of her room at the same time.
“Hey. Are you off to pick up Emily?”
I didn’t answer her.
“Jake. What’s the matter?”
“Jane, can you leave me alone?” my voice asked while my mind begged.
“Jake! What happened? Never mind. I’m going to call Emily to find out.”
I stood next to Jane hoping to hear how Emily was doing.
“Hi Emily,” Jane said cheerfully. “It’s me Jane. Where are you? Aren’t you going to the Chief’s tailgate party? Everyone will be asking for you.”
Jane was silent for a while then she looked at me.
“Yeah, I talked to him but he wouldn’t say much. He’s such a grouch and a loner when things don’t go his way. He’s a bit moody right now.” Relieved she was asking about me I wanted to rip the phone out of Jane’s hands to make sure Emily was well. “Okay. See you later.”
Jane walked away from me and I had to pull her back for an explanation.
“What did she say? How is she doing?”
“She’s in Texas visiting her parents. Shouldn’t you be with her right now? Her voice was hoarse like she’d been crying… a lot. Whatever happened between you two, let it go. Don’t be your immature self. Call her and talk to her.”
Jane made perfect sense but I ignored her comment and walked down the hallway.
“Jake! It’s New Year’s Day and Emily’s by herself. She has no family. Imagine how sad she’ll be visiting her parents alone. You can be such a jerk sometimes. Let go of that stupid pride. Call her. Do you want me to call her for you?”
More than anything I wished Jane would take the initiative and force me to speak with Emily. This would be the only way my pride would allow Emily back into my life at this moment. Of course, Jane had no idea of what I desired and I surely couldn’t explain it to her.
“Jake, let me tell you something. Back in San Francisco and the other night on the plane, Emily confessed to me how much she loved you and how her feelings for you frightened her. She thought you were too perfect in her imperfect world. I tried to convince her that she was being needlessly paranoid but deep inside I don’t think she ever let go of the idea that you would walk away from her one day.”
My heart ripped into even smaller pieces. I, a grown man, wanted to cry.
“You’ve now validated her fears. Don’t you know how lonely Emily has been for so long? She might look and sound cheerful on the outside, but on the inside she’s like a timid child at a new school - looking for a friend to sit with, to have lunch with, to be friends with. You were her best friend and I don’t know what went wrong, but she’s crushed right now. Talk to her…”
Like a fool, I walked away.
Today was a day I would have begged for more work. Everyone’s heart seemed to be well except mine. Eight hours of misery later I walked out of the hospital contemplating where I should go. My car drove itself to Emily’s house. Parked outside her home I thought about what I would do when she got home. Would I forgive her and continue with this relationship? Did she want to be forgiven? Perhaps she wouldn’t want to continue our relationship.
I couldn’t help recounting all the times I told her I loved her and showed her my heart. She had never fully reciprocated. But… there was Christmas night where she attempted to reciprocate. A myriad of conflicting thoughts filled my mind. Did she love me? Did she not? There was one conclusion that arrested all other thoughts – she turned down my proposal but was considering Max’s. Once this entered my mind, I drove the car back home.
There was another text waiting for me when I got home. Apparently I hadn’t taken my phone to work.
Hi Jake. I’m at the airport coming home after visiting my parents. I’d hoped that you might have called by now – but you haven’t. I know I messed up our relationship but I’d really like to try and work it out with you. Please forgive me. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be right now. Believe me when I tell you I love you. Please call me.
It baffled me how she could be considering another man’s proposal but tell me she loved me. I was livid reading this text. I couldn’t think clearly; I had to turn in for the night.
Hi Jake. School starts for me today. I'm quite relieved to have twenty-four kids clutter my mind from now on. I see that you haven’t found it in your heart to forgive me yet. It makes me sad but I understand. I still have hope that your love for me will win over your anger towards me. I hope you are doing well. I miss you. I love you.
Today’s text hit me harder than all the other ones I’d received. I knew my love for her was far greater than my anger towards this situation but I still couldn’t get myself to call her. I missed her terribly and I too felt enormously empty and lonely without her. I hurt knowing she hurt, but there was also a part of me that wanted her to hurt. I had been so good to her all this time; I had loved her so much since the day we met and this was the way she was treating me. If there was any justice she would be just as miserable without me as I was without her – no, she should be even more miserable! I wanted her to appreciate me.
Still, I stopped by her house daily. Picking up the phone and calling wasn’t an option but I wanted to be near her. Possibly, I wanted to run into her and tell her just how empty my life was without her. With or without Max in the picture, I desperately wanted her to know how I felt. Today I stopped by early in the morning but she had already left. On my way to work I got a call.
“Hey Jake. Anything change between you and Emily?” It was Jane.
“Jane, I don’t want to talk about it. Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“I’m calling because I’m worried about Emily.”
“Why? What’s wrong with Emily?” I could never forgive myself if something happened to her because I wasn’t around to take care of her.
“She’s not answering her phone and she won’t return any of my calls. What’s going on?”
“Jane, I don’t know. We haven’t spoken since Christmas.”
“You haven’t called her back? What could she have possibly done for you to not speak to her for so long? Did you two break up?”
“I gotta go. Let’s talk later.”
I heard Jane calling out my name but I hung up on her.
Later that afternoon I stopped by again and she was still not home. I sat on her swing in front of her house when another text came in.
Hi Jake. How are you doing? I hope you are not working too hard. What a silly thing to say, of course you are working hard. I too have been working hard at school. Today was an ugly day as my student Jimmy got sick and threw up on me. It’s been a while since we last spoke. Wow, you can hold a grudge. I thought you might have responded by now. I know I hurt you and don’t have a right to say this, but I hurt, too, as you don’t respond to any of my messages. Please call.
I was disheartened to notice she didn’t write that she loved me or missed me anymore. It pained me to think she had chosen Max over me and this was her way of trying to tell me our relationship was over. Next time we talked, could I be like Max and let her go believing this was the best for her? I wasn’t as selfless as Max. I didn’t care if he wanted her and she wanted him, I wanted her and that’s all that mattered. I would fight for her. This had gone on long enough. Jane was right. I was an idiot for not responding to Emily.
I couldn’t take it anymore. Right as my fingers punched in her number, the hospital called me back in to work. Figuring I could come back tonight, I went back to the hospital to take care of my patient.
The next morning, I was getting ready to stop by Emily’s house again when she texted again. I thought, ‘perfect’. I would go over and beg for forgiveness. We would put this all behind us and start again where we left off.
Hi Jake. I spoke with Jane a few days ago and she told me you said we were no longer seeing each other. I don’t know why it never occurred to me you didn’t want to be with me anymore. I sent all those texts thinking you still cared for me. I understand and I don’t blame you. I’m sorry I’ve continually bothered you. This will be my final text. I want to say I'm sorry one last time and ask you to forgive me. You have been nothing but kind and loving and I've only returned it with pain and uncertainty. I want you to know you are the only man I love. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Be well.
Sick to my stomach, I dialed Emily’s number but her phone went straight to voicemail. Racing to her house I could only imagine how distraught she must have been all those days thinking I didn’t love her anymore. How stupid could I be - just utterly selfish to think only of my feelings. All this time I blamed her and Max, never once thinking she was home hurting. How could I have boasted my love for this woman when all I’d done was hurt her?
Thoroughly relieved to see her car in the driveway I rang the doorbell. This nightmare was finally coming to an end.
Ding dong, ding dong. Emily, where are you? I’m sorry sweetheart. It kills me you think I don’t love you anymore. Please, answer the door!
I went around back to look for her spare key and couldn’t find it. Her car was here but she obviously wasn’t. With a heavy heart I left her house. My life suddenly flashed before me and Emily wasn’t in the picture anymore. All day I fought to rid myself of this horrid thought.
My phone rang and I jumped to answer it. It could only be Emily, I thought – or hoped.
“Hello?”
“Jake.”
“Hey Nick.” Disappointed it wasn’t Emily, I couldn’t show any enthusiasm towards my brother.
“Are we leaving for New York tonight?”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember? We are all supposed to go to Masa this weekend. Where’s Emily? Did she leave already?”
A refusal was on the tip of my tongue when it occurred to me maybe Jane could answer all these questions in my head. Emily said in her last text that she had spoken with Jane. Perhaps Emily confided in Jane what she was feeling all these weeks. I’d go talk to my sister and get some answers.
“What time is our flight?”
“Midnight.”
“Okay, I’ll pick you up at your apartment around ten. Be ready to leave.”
Praying for a solution to this mess I created we arrived at JFK and caught a cab to Jane’s apartment. Much of me feared Jane would tell me Emily no longer wanted to be with me. Now my worries had nothing to do with Max. I clearly understood this was our problem and I had masterminded this mess.
We walked into Jane’s apartment and before I got a chance to ask Jane any questions, she and Nick got into a fight about why we were here. Jane was unusually high strung while the two of them argued. Tired from not having slept at all last night, I walked towards the sofa to sit down when out of nowhere Emily walked out of the second bedroom.
EMILY! My heart swelled with joy. She had been with Jane all this time and that was why I couldn’t find her. I could finally talk to her and beg her to forgive me. Whether it took a day, a week, a month, I wouldn’t let her leave till she reconciled with me. Before I could utter a word, Nick greeted his future sister.
“Emily, when did you get here? It’s so great to see you.” Nick gave her a big hug and she looked pleased.
I tried to make eye contact but she wouldn’t look at me. Soon I would explain myself and retire the look of fear that still lived in her eyes since I last saw her at the Grand Canyon.
Emily finally spoke. “Um, I got here yesterday.” Distressed she headed towards the door and said, “I was just leaving. It was nice seeing all of you.”
No! Where are you going? You can’t leave me again.
I headed towards the door to stop her but simultaneously Nick called, “Emily, don’t go. We’re going to Masa for dinner. You have to join us,” and Jane yelled, “Jake, you’re such a jerk! How could you leave Emily stranded in Arizona? Why are you ignoring her when she’s been trying to get a hold of you for weeks? How can you be so cold…?” Jane babbled on but all I could focus on was Arizona.
Jane said I had left Emily stranded in Arizona. What was that all about? I turned to ask Emily but she was gone. My eyes left her face for two seconds thinking about Jane’s accusation and I’d lost my love again.
“Where’d she go?” I shouted at both my siblings?
“I don’t know. She was just here,” Nick answered back.
“Jane, what did you just say about Arizona? Why did you say I left her stranded there?”
“Go ask Emily!” Jane sounded disgusted with me.
I bolted out the door, ran down the steps and came to a halt right outside the door. I searched to my left and scanned the block for Emily, she wasn’t there. I turned to my right and found her running to the end of the block.
“EMILY!” I shouted from the top of my lungs. I wasn’t going to lose her again. Not concerned with the events of the last few weeks, I couldn’t live without her another day. Please don’t leave me was all I could think. She momentarily stopped at my holler then continued to walk away flagging down a cab.
I caught up to her at the end of the block. “Emily. Please don’t go.” I held her hand and tried to grab her suitcase out of the taxi.
“I should leave. You three have a great time,” she answered tacitly.
Emily. Look at me. Please forgive me. The pain in your eyes - how could I have done this to you?
“I feel terrible interrupting you and Jane but I’m glad you’re here. You didn’t mention you were coming to see my sister.” She looked even more hurt when I said this. “Regardless, we need to talk.” I needed to ask her about Arizona among many other misunderstandings. I started with the topic of Jane’s accusation as that bothered me the most.
“Emily, what was Jane talking about me leaving you in Arizona?” I feared her answer because deep in my heart I knew what I had done.
She only stared at the ground, silent.
“Emily, answer me! What was she talking about?” Though I shouldn’t have been, I got angry again. I was angry at myself but took it out on Emily.
“What do you care?” she answered shutting the trunk.
“Tell me!” I demanded, but then begged, “Please?” Please tell me I didn’t leave you there that morning. PLEASE tell me you went back home with Max and Sarah.
“I waited for you to return.” Oh God. You waited just like that night you were leaving for New York. You trusted me to come for you no matter what the circumstance. What have I done? My heart bore down hard.
“What do you mean you waited for me to return? For how long?”
She wouldn’t answer.
“Damn it, Emily, how long did you wait for me?”
“… Till it closed,” she answered quietly. Even in this situation she was worried about my feelings. She gently told me of the atrocity I had committed.
“What? How could you have waited for me till closing time? Didn't you realize after a while I wasn't coming back? It was freezing that day. You didn't even have a jacket on. How stupid can you be?” That wasn’t what I meant to say. Emily, please forgive me. How will I make this right?
In disbelief she stared at me with deep sadness in her eyes. But rather than breaking down and cowering, Emily angrily yelled back at me.
“Yeah, I was stupid alright. Stupid enough to believe you when you said you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Stupid enough to trust your words when you told me you would never let me be alone again. Stupid enough to think that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with wouldn't abandon me - that after he calmed down - would come back for me. That's how stupid I was.”
I deserved the blame she put on me; every hurtful accusation had my name on it. I had let down my girlfriend – the woman I proposed to and promised many times to take care of for the rest of her life.
“Oh, Emily!” I groaned her name, anguished. “I left you by yourself at the Skywalk? You mean you didn’t go home with Max?” How had this happened? “I'm sorry Emily. I didn't mean to leave you there. You know I would never abandon you. I really thought you were with your friends. I can't believe I did that to you. How did you get home? Oh, Emi.” I moved in to hold her for the first time in weeks. She shoved me away and glared at me. In her mind, I had betrayed her.
“I don't want your sorry or your pity. My break up with Max was a walk in the park compared to what you put me through. You made yourself clear by not returning for me and by not returning any of my messages. I was right to doubt your love. There was no way you could have loved me as much as you said you did.” Please don’t believe that. I love you. I’ll prove to you I love you. I’ll make it up to you.
Within seconds Emily took off the eternity band and threw it at me. “Here! I don't think this belongs to me anymore.” The ring fell onto the sidewalk and rolled. My first instinct was to chase down the ring and then talk Emily out of this misunderstanding.
My foot caught up with the rolling band, and I picked it up to take back to Emily and place on her finger. I ran back to her but found her nowhere in sight. Emily was gone. Never once did I think she would get in the cab and leave me. Just like that, I’d found the ring but lost my love. Frantic, I looked down the street but couldn’t find her anywhere. Hoping Jane could help, I ran back to the apartment.
“Jane, where did Emily go?”
Jane looked at me disgusted again. “What do you mean? Weren’t you with her? Did you push her away again? What is wrong with you?”
“Just answer my question! Where did she go?” Yelling wasn’t going to bring Emily back but I had no one else to express my anger to.
“I don’t know. She didn’t know either. If you wait a little while I’m sure she’ll call as soon as she checks into a hotel.”
“You sure she didn’t go back home? Do you know what airline she came on? Call the airline or check the status of her ticket.”
“Emily just left. Why don’t you wait a little before doing anything? I’m sure she’ll call as soon as she knows what she’s doing. Right now, there’s no use calling anywhere, Emily’s in transit.”
Nick made sense so I calmed down and hoped Jane could answer all my questions.
“Explain a few things to me,” I appealed to the only person who had answers. “Why does Emily think we broke up?”
“Well, that was my fault. When you didn’t answer any of my questions, I assumed you two had separated. I mentioned this to Emily just to confirm and she took it to mean this is what you believed. I’m sorry, Jake. When she got here, I explained to her this was not what you had said but since you hadn’t contacted her in so long she didn’t believe me. Why didn’t you call her? Do you know how miserable she’s been?”
I wanted to beat myself for making Emily so upset. I must have been out of my mind to have rejected all her appeals.
“What did Emily tell you while she was here with you? Can you please tell me everything?”
“Well…” Jane wouldn’t continue.
“What’s the matter?”
“Emily asked me not to tell you,” Jane apologetically answered.
“Why would she do that? What doesn’t she want me to know? Is she thinking of getting back together with Max? Is that why?” Maybe I was right not to call her if she had chosen Max. Maybe all this guilt and heartache was for no good reason. “Jane! Is she going to marry Max?”
“Who’s Max?” We both looked at Nick. He was so quiet we forgot he was still here.
“Jake. You think you have it all together but you are such an idiot. If Emily was going to get back together with Max, why would she try so hard to get back together with you? Didn’t she write to you and tell you how much she missed you and loved you?”
“Yeah… What does that have to do with anything?”
“She doesn’t love Max. She has no thoughts of getting back together with him. She loves you, you big dummy. She wants to marry you but you’ve cut off all communication so she has no way to tell you this.”
“She wants to marry me? Are you sure she told you this? Why didn’t she say so before?”
“Ugh! Talk to Emily. These are feelings she wanted to express to you herself. She didn’t want me to tell them for her.”
Jane’s revelations turned my foul mood into an elated one. I would go back home and find Emily and we could work out this entire misunderstanding and we could still be married by the end of summer. For the first time since Grand Canyon, there was joy in my heart.
“I have to warn you though, she was devastated when you didn’t come back for her at the Skywalk.” Jane burst my bubble.
The Skywalk – how could I have forgotten?
“Tell me what happened. I thought she went home with her friends. What was she still doing there?”
“She told her friends to leave believing you would come back for her. She waited for ten hours then caught a ride with a park ranger to a car rental agency and from there she went to see her parents in Texas. Though she didn’t say so, by the look on her face you pretty much ripped apart her fragile heart. The crazy thing was, rather than blaming you, she blamed herself for being naïve and staying there too long. It broke my heart listening to her talk about you. She really loves you.”
The room went dark and I had to sit. From the beginning of our relationship I had advertised to everyone this was the girl I would take care of, forever. Last we spoke I made her promise to think of me as her best friend and her eternal love – the one who wanted to create a family with her. Emily would never trust me again. I needed to get home and be with Emily.
“Nick, can you see if we can go home today? Call the airline.”
“We don’t know if Emily went home. She might still be in town. Why don’t we wait till she calls Jane.” Nick, too, looked worried about his future sister.
“Knowing Emily, she went back home. She won’t be roaming around this city. She’ll want to be in a familiar environment. We’ll come back next time with Emily and visit the city again. Right now, I need to find my girlfriend.”
“Don’t worry about it. Let me see what I can do about getting us home.”