CHAPTER 4
JOSIE
I pull into the driveway of Katelyn and Mason’s modest ranch home, matching pink tricycles sitting in the yard. I can’t bring myself to get out of the car. It’s like accepting the inevitable. I know nothing will bring back Mason or change what has happened, but maybe I can prolong it just a little bit longer.
“Aunt Joey what are you doing?” I jump at the little voice that snuck up on me. Peyton is staring at me, standing by the passenger side of the car. Her dark curly hair is in pigtails tied with ribbons and her toothless grin lights my day.
“Nothing, sweetie, just thinking,” I say as I get out of the car and walk around to where she’s standing. She’s in her Sunday football jersey and sweatpants and has a football tucked under her arm. She’s every bit Mason.
“Where’s Noah?”
“He’s at school.”
Her face falls as she looks down at the ground. Her little sneaker-clad foot starts swinging back and forth. “Mama says we don’t have to go to school until after.” Her voice trails off.
I fight back the tears as my heart breaks for her and her sister. They only got five years with their dad and will only remember one if they’re lucky. I bend down in front of her and wipe a stray tear off her cheek. “Noah can come over after school before he goes to practice, okay?”
She nods and I bring her into my arms, carrying her into her once-happy home.
This is my first time in the Powell home since the night we got the call. I came over here to stay with the girls while Katelyn was in the hospital waiting for a sign that Mason was going to make it. I paced the floor, the same floor they paced when the girls had colds or the flu and kept them up at night.
The same floor that Mason dumped a plate full of chicken when he tripped over the bag of footballs he forgot to put away after practice. Katelyn and I laughed so hard. When he stood up Mason had chicken grease all over his face. One look from him and Katelyn knew he was coming after her.
I set Peyton down and kiss her on the forehead. I don’t even know how to comfort her and her sister, let alone her mom.
“Where’s your sister?” I ask.
Peyton shrugs. “With mama, I guess.”
“Aunt Joey who is going to watch football with me now?” her voice breaks as she asks the simplest question of all.
Usually I have an answer for everything, but when I look into her eyes I don’t know what to say to her because there isn’t an answer. It could be me one week or Mr. Powell, but it will never be Mason. He was her football buddy and she his.
“I’m sure Nick would love to and even Noah. Maybe your Grandpa can come over on Sundays.”
“It’s not the same,” she whispers before leaving me in the middle of the room surrounded by nothing but memories, once in a lifetime moments captured by a real life lens and frozen in the past. And sometimes that's not enough. Any memories made now won't have Mason.
“Hey.” I turn to find Katelyn behind me. Her hair is pulled back in a sloppy bun and she’s wearing one of Mason’s shirts. I can’t hold back the tears and choke on a sob as I rush to hold her. She cries into my chest, her sobs shattering my reserve.
“I’m so sorry,” I say softly to her. Her hands are clutching at my shirt as she fights to control herself. She was there for me when my world fell apart and I’m going to be there for her, even if it kills me.
When she pulls back I wipe her tears just like I did for Peyton. “You seemed okay yesterday,” I say trying to remind her that she is having a few good moments.
“Yesterday I didn’t have to make any decisions except what color flowers I wanted. Today I have to pick a casket and bring…” she takes a deep breath, covering her face with her hands. Her diamond engagement ring is sparkling as it catches the sunlight. “I have to pick out his last outfit and I don’t know what he’d want to wear.”
This is something I can’t even imagine. I wouldn’t know what to do. When things changed for me I wanted to die, but Katelyn and Mason held me together. They were my glue. The love of my life didn’t die, he just decided I was no longer what he needed in life and went away. I didn’t have to bury him or clean out his office. He took my heart with him when he shut the door.
“I think maybe you should ask the girls what they want him to wear. Let them help you because you are going to need them to get through all of this. I know Peyton is worried about who will watch football with her on Sunday.”
“I know,” she sighs heavily. “Elle wants to know who is going to tuck her in at night because no one does it like daddy.”
I pull her back into my arms and hold my friend. There are no words that I can say that will solve this dilemma for her, only time will. But time hurts.
Katelyn takes my advice and asks the twins to help pick out their dads final outfit. When they come out, the three of them are holding a mismatch of clothes. Katelyn shows me a pair of dark slacks. Peyton holds up his coaching shirt and Elle shows me the shoes he’ll be buried in, one cleat and one tennis shoe. I crack a smile which causes them all to laugh.
It’s perfect and so very Mason.
The drive to the funeral home is quiet. Katelyn plays with her rings, much like she did when she got engaged. I look down at my bare hand, and wonder when Nick will slip a ring on my finger. There doesn’t need to be an announcement; people expect it. Nick and I have been together for six years. It was time to make a decision. A man like Nick isn’t going to wait around forever. Everyone says he’s a catch because he’s the one of us who really made something out of his education and they’re right. I’d be stupid not to marry the town’s pediatrician.
Picking out a casket is a lot harder than it seems. You can pick the type of wood, inlay and the color. All things that Katelyn had to decide while sitting in an office that smells like dead people.
Katelyn has to pick music, programs and list the pall bearers. I watch as she writes down the names, leaving the sixth spot blank.
“You forgot one,” I point out.
She shakes her head. “Just in case,” she says. She doesn’t have to explain what she means, I know who she’s referring to, but I don’t want to think about… him.
After I drop her off, I head home. Noah should be back from school and I just want to hug him until I’m reasonably certain he’s never going to leave me.
“Noah?” I call as I enter the house. The TV is on and I find him lying on the couch. He’s watching an old game film of Mason and Nick from high school. I hear that familiar name and look down at Noah, running my fingers through his hair. “What’s going on, buddy?”
“Just watching,” he says, curling into my hand.
I sit down and cuddle him into my lap. I love that he is still my little boy when I need him to be.
“You look so funny, mom.” He starts laughing. I pull his hair and pinch his ear just so I can continue to hear his giggles.
“Just wait until you’re my age and we watch your videos.”
“Anyone home?”
“In here,” I yell as Nick comes into the house. He takes one look at what we’re watching and scoots in behind me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
“Why are we watching this?” he whispers into my ear. I shrug and motion toward Noah. Nick knows I’d never put this in, watching these highlights does nothing but open old memories.
Noah continues to laugh at me and Nick about how funny we looked in high school. Each time I remind him that I have naked baby pictures of him and I’ll be showing them to all his girlfriends.
Beaumont wins the game and that’s my cue to turn it off. I search for the remote, panic setting in. I don’t want to see what’s at the end.
“Mom, who are you kissing?”
I look at the screen and see the boy that haunts my dreams and reality. He turns and faces the camera, his arm slung around me. When I see his blue eyes I bite my lip. I’ve been thinking about him more and more since Mason died, and I wonder if he’s happy. I get up and turn off the TV so I don’t have to look at him anymore.
“He’s no one, baby.” I say as I leave the room.