Falling Down

Chapter Twenty-Four
Jesse
"I have a confession," Lucy tells me.
"You only love me for my cock."
She snickers and swats a hand at me. "It is impressive but no."
"I knew it. You only love me for my Life Savers."
"Damn. You figured me out."
I nod. "I should have never shared my secret or my stash with you. It's all about the candy now," I say with mock hurt.
"Baby, you're sweeter than candy," she tells me with a wink.
"That was the corniest line I've ever heard," Jace tells her.
"I know, right? Wasn't it great?"
"You two are so weird, you realize this, right? It's not normal how naturally weird you are together."
"I happen to think we're a perfect pair of weirdness," she tells him. "Wait, what's that quote?" She looks to Sera who holds up her hands. "Don't even look at me."
She reaches in her pocket for her phone but comes up empty. "Shit. I forgot Celeste has my phone."
"Here, use mine," I tell her. She lifts her brows. "What?"
"Nothing," she says, shaking her head.
It's obviously something. "What is it?"
"I'm just surprised you handed over your phone like that. You didn't even look first to see if you had any texts."
"Do I?" I ask.
She swipes a finger across the screen then her lip curls. "Yes."
Well that can't be good. She thrusts the phone in my face and I take it.
Heather. Oh f*ck. I keep my expression blank as I swipe the screen and open the message. F*ck. F*ck. Fuuuuck.
"Well, this isn't going to go well so I might as well just get it out there."
Her lips are pressed together in a straight line and she nods once. Jace and Sera have expressions of panic and Xander raises his brow at me.
"Uh, well, the message is from Heather."
"Dude," Xander says shaking his head.
"Who's Heather?" Sera asks while Lucy just looks out the window.
I'm not sure how to do this. God. I don't want to hurt her any more than she already is.
"One of the 'regulars'," Xander tells them.
Lucy stiffens and slides ever so slightly toward the edge of the sofa.
"What the f*ck does she want?" Jace asks, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees, hands balled into fists, expression one that isn't friendly at all.
"What does who want?" Ben asks as he hands me a beer. He hands Lucy one of the Pinnacle vodka drinks.
"Thanks Ben. I'll need another one of these."
"But that one is--" he breaks off as she downs the entire bottle. "--full. Yo, Kennedy grab a couple more of those vodka drinks, would ya?"
"On it!"
Jace swears under his breath, clenching and unclenching his fists, Sera and Meggie send me death glares, and Frank sits back with his arms crossed over his chest.
"What the f*ck is going on?" Ben asks.
"Oh nothing much," Meggie tells him. "Just some skank-ass hoe named Heather sent Jesse here a text and he seems awfully uncomfortable about it."
"Dude," Xander says again and shakes his head.
"Again, I'll ask. What the f*ck does she want?" Jace bites out.
"We were supposed to meet up and I guess I forgot to cancel."
"You guess you forgot," Lucy whispers. "I bet you forgot to 'cancel'," she says making air quotes, "with the rest of them like you said you would too, huh?"
"I did. F*ck."
She nods, not looking at me.
"I see how this works," Sera says. "Lucy can't even so much as look at another guy without you getting all worked up and trying to piss on her leg, but you can't bother to text your whores and tell them you're no longer available? And delete their numbers like Lucy asked?"
"It's not like that. I forgot."
"Convenient, isn't it?" Lucy asks and takes one of the drinks from Kennedy and chugs this one as well.
"What the f*ck?" he asks. I just hang my head. What can I say? I f*cked up. Maybe I'll say just that.
"I f*cked up."
Lucy laughs humorlessly. "I can't even talk to Damian about our tour and you still have your whores on speed dial." Silence for a few seconds. "You know what, Jesse? I don't think this is going to work for me."
"What do you mean?"
"Just what I said."
"You don't mean that."
"Oh yeah, I do. Let me explain something to you. You promised to send a mass text and get rid of those… women."
"And she's using the term loosely," Sera scathes.
"And you also promised to delete their numbers. Every last one. But did you do any of that? Nope. So I can only sit here and wonder why that is. I trusted you to do that."
"F*ck," Trace mutters under his breath.
"Let me tell you why I think that is. I think it's because while you say you want this," she says pointing between me and her, "and while you claim to 'love' me," again with the f*cking air quotes, "and while you made promises to me just this morning--" her breath hitches and my heart nosedives into my gut. I'm a f*cking a*shole.
She clears her throat. "While you made promises to me just this morning, I think deep down you didn't believe a word of it. You didn't believe in us so you kept your backups."
"No, that's not it at all."
"No? Then explain it to me."
"I forgot, Lucy. I was distracted with everything going on."
She nods. "I distracted you so much, you love me so much, you want only me so much that you can't send the text you promised to send to get rid of the whores you say you no longer want. Well, okay then. That's all settled. Yippee."
Jace cringes.
She stands up and I stand with her. She shoves me, catching me off guard, and I fall back into the sofa.
"What the f*ck?"
"You stay here. I'm going to pack. Frank, please let Max know I'll need the car in about twenty minutes."
He nods and sends me a glare.
"None of you have to come with me. Actually I think I probably need to be alone."
"You know what? F*ck that, Luce," Jace says. "You go, we go. It's how we roll."
"Lucy, listen…"
"Sure. I'll listen as well as you listened when I asked you delete the whores," she says, turning and walking away. "You have a right to expect and demand those things from me, you said. You f*cking said that to me." She walks toward the stairs.
"F*ck!" I yell.
"Dude," Xander says. "What the f*ck?"
"I f*cking got distracted and caught up with Lucy and all the bullshit she's got going on."
She gasps.
"F*ck. I didn't mean it the way it sounded."
Her back still to me, she merely nods, her shoulders rigid. She starts up the stairs and her shoulders begin to shake as she walks a little faster.
"Dude," Xander says giving me a shove. "Go, what the f*ck are you waiting for?"
"I don't know."
Sera snorts. "You know what this is?" When I don't respond she shouts. "Do you?!"
"I do," Ben says with a look of disgust.
"This right here is Jesse being a f*cking coward. Mr. I-Don't-Do-Relationships purposefully f*cked up the best thing that ever happened to him and now he doesn't know what to do. Oh, boo f*cking hoo, Jesse f*cking Kingston doesn't know how to fix the relationship with the woman he swears he loves." She moves forward and stands right in front of me, then she gives me a shove. Hard. "You are a motherf*cking coward and if you don't fix this now, you can find another band to go on tour with you because Lucy deserves a whole hell of a lot better than this and you f*cking know it! She let you in. Do you know how hard that is for her? No, of course not. How would you know when you're too wrapped up in yourself to notice?" She shoves me again.
"I didn't do it on purpose."
"You f*cking did and now you go fix it," Jace says, getting in my face. No one moves. No one. Then Xander stands up next to Jace, then Ethan, Kennedy, and Ben, then Meggie and Trace.
"Either you fix this," Xander says, "Or I'm going for her because she's one hell of a woman and I'd be damn proud to call her mine."
"Get in line, dude," Trace says.
Kennedy and Ethan agree.
"Christ. I don't know how to fix this."
"You can't 'fix' this. She's a f*cking person not an object. You show her what she needs to see," Ben tells me.
"I have no clue what that is."
"Then you're f*cked, brother, and I'll be stepping up."
"The f*ck you will," I say and head up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I take a breath and punch in the code. Tears fall steadily from Lucy's eyes as she pulls clothes from the dresser and puts them neatly into her suitcase. Shit. When she does things with precision, she's locked herself in.
"Lucy." She ignores me. "Lucy," I walk toward her and take her hand. She shrugs me off. "God damn it Lucy," I shout. "Don't make me grab you. I don't want to hurt your tats."
She laughs, mascara streaking down her cheeks. "Because that'd be horrible, right? To hurt me physically? But, hey, emotionally, let's f*ck Lucy over. Noooo problem."
She takes another swig of her vodka drink. Just how many has she had?
"Please, Lucy. Just a few minutes, it's all I ask." I'll f*cking beg if I need to. She can't leave me. I don't know what I'm doing, why I didn't delete them like she asked. God. I run my hands through my hair and pull.
"Please."
She eyes me, then walks over to the bed and sits on the edge. "You have five minutes." She looks to the clock. "Starting now. Go."
Jesus.
"I'm going to be honest with you, Lucy, and tell you I don't know why I didn't send the text or delete them. I don't understand it. Maybe I was trying to hold onto something because I was afraid of what was ahead? Maybe I was afraid it wasn't real? I honestly don't know."
I pace back and forth in front of her. She doesn't even look at me, just steadily wipes the tears from her cheeks. It hurts my chest so f*cking much knowing I made her hurt this bad. God. I feel sick. I did this. I did this to her. I am such a f*cking a*shole.
I drop down on my knees in front of her and her eyes go wide.
"Lucy, God, I am so sorry. Please don't cry. I'm a dick. I'm an a*shole and I f*cked up so bad. I know sorry isn't enough but it's all I've got. That and this," I say, taking my phone out, typing out a quick text. I read it aloud, "I've met someone and I'm in love with her. Don't call, don't write, don't text, and don't show up. We're done."
She doesn't look impressed. Even when I hit send. Not even when I delete each and every female in my contacts list that aren't business associates or family.
She tries so hard to choke back the sob that breaks loose and all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and hold her, let her know how much I love her, but I know she won't believe me. I know she won't let me touch her. F*ck it. I'm going to try. I'm not going to take no for an answer. She is what I want and I'll be god damned if I'm going to let her walk away without a fight.
I toss the f*cking phone on the bed and reach out to hold both her hands in mine. She tries to pull them away, but I hold tight.
"Stop," I tell her. She ignores me and I say it again, only louder and harsher. "Stop it right now, Lucy. God damn it. Listen to me."
"Why should I? You didn't listen to me… or you did, but it went in one ear and out the other."
I nod. "I deserve that and whatever else you've got for me. I'll gladly take it. God, Luce, I'm so f*cking sorry. I don't know what I'm doing, how to do this. I've never had anyone to answer to and… f*ck. Please don't go," I whisper, hanging my head. "I don't know if I was trying to sabotage what we have, to push you away, I honestly don't, but I can tell you I'm so f*cking sorry. God, please don't cry, Lucy. Please."
Her shoulders shake as the tears keep falling.
"If you were looking to sabotage us," she says shakily, "you succeeded. I don't understand why you'd do that."
"Truth?"
She just gives me a look.
"I'm scare out of my f*cking mind, Lucy. I don't know how to do this. I have no god damn clue. My parents, they're a piss poor example of how relationships work. No one I know has had a successful relationship, so who do I turn to when I need to figure out the answers?"
"The answer to that is me. Or it should have been."
I drop my head into her lap and wrap my arms around her waist. She tries to push me away, and she tries really f*cking hard too.
"I'm not letting you go, Lucy. I can't. I can't let you go."
"Why? Obviously I'm not enough for you if you needed to keep those numbers."
"Lucy," I whisper. "You're so much more than I ever imagined I'd have in my life and I have no idea how to handle this. What we have between us, it's huge. The biggest. You, you're everything to me. Maybe I needed to push you to see how well you'd stick around, or to see if you'd end up hurting me like my parents hurt each other."
She nods.
"I swear to you with everything I am, I love you. I've never said those words to another living soul. Ever. I wouldn't say it if I didn't feel it in here," I say thumping my fist against my chest. "Please talk to me."
At first she says nothing, but I can all but see the wheels turning as she thinks. She sighs out a shaky breath and wipes more tears. God, it's killing me knowing I hurt her like this. I'm a f*cking prick. She deserves better than me.
And there it is.
My breath catches. F*ck.
"Figure it out?" she asks.
I nod.
"Why?"
"You deserve better than me. You are so f*cking amazing at everything you do. You're kind, caring, generous, and you've got this big heart that you wear on your sleeve and share only with those closest to you. I think that's because you've been hurt one too many times and you feel the need to protect yourself. Me? I'm just a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who got lucky when a music producer dropped in for a drink at the bar we were performing at one night. It was a f*cking dive. Peanut shells all over the floor mixed in with beer, ashes, and cigarettes. We didn't give a f*ck. We just wanted to play and if we earned a couple bucks doing it. Well, then we found a way to feed ourselves, get some equipment we needed, or to pay for some studio time. Me and Ben, we were okay as far as food and clothes, Xander too, but Ethan and Kennedy? They had it bad. Their moms both crackheads. No food in the house ever. They spent most of their time at our house or Xan's. Xan's parents were doctors and weren't around much so we stayed there most of the time,"
I sigh and look up into her eyes, reaching out to hold her hands in mine.
"You're pure, you're genuine, and you're so real I'm scared shitless. I'm just a street punk who doesn't know the first thing about love or relationships. I'm really great at keeping people at arm's length and likely that's part of what was going on here as well. I am so f*cking sorry I hurt you. I don't want anyone but you, Lucy. Only you."
My breath hitches, my chest gets tight, and my vision blurs. "I can't stand knowing I hurt you. I am so, so sorry," I whisper. "I can't promise I won't f*ck up again because, being me, I'm probably gonna. All I know, Luce, is that I f*cking love you more than anything in this world. I can't imagine not being with you. Just the thought of not being with you rips my heart to shreds. I can't breathe, it hurts, Luce."
A tear slips from my eye and down my cheek. What…?
"Jesse," she whispers.
"I don't--" I try to speak but another tear slips.
"I won't say it's okay because it's not. I swore I'd never lie to you and I'm not going to start now and you can bet your ass I expect you to keep that same promise. But let me clue you in on what's going on."
I just look up at her, eyes wide, vision blurry. I'm so confused. My chest hurts and I can't breathe. I don't cry. What's happening to me?
"Jesse, I suspect for the first time in your life you feel remorse, pain, anguish, heartache."
"Is that what--I can't breathe." She runs a hand over my cheek.
"You've never let yourself care enough about anyone to leave yourself vulnerable and with that vulnerability comes heartache and pain when things go wrong. You finally let yourself feel."
"Well, this f*cking sucks."
She laughs through tears. "I know. But the good outweighs the bad, doesn't it?"
I nod. It does. Nothing beats the feeling of loving Lucy. Nothing.
"I'm confused about what I should do here, Jesse. I want to leave on one hand but on the other I think my leaving would be a mistake, that I'd be giving up something that has the potential to be so, so wonderful."
"Please stay. Please believe me when I say I want no one but you."
She nods. "Do you want this? Me and you?"
"I do. I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to figure it out."
She breathes out a shuddering breath. "I won't lie to you, Jesse. I'm afraid, so afraid. I was scared before but now I'm terrified because I know how easily you can destroy me."
"That goes both ways, Lucy."
"Maybe so but what happens when we're on tour and the groupies swarm you? What happens when one of your 'regulars' shows up?" Those god damn air quotes again.
"I sign their shit and send them on their way. There are no regulars, Lucy. Only you."
"Can I trust that to be true? I can't ask you to promise to never hurt me again because that's an unrealistic request, but I'm going to ask you this: if you want out, if you want to go f*ck around with someone else, you tell me and we call it quits before anything like that happens. If you respect me enough to do that, we could walk away being friendly. If you disrespect me and cheat on me, you'll be dead to me. That may sound harsh, but I won't tolerate cheating--and you already lied to me. That's not going to be easy to get past."
I nod. She's got valid points and I can't fault her for not trusting me now. I said I'd do something and didn't. If she did the same, I'd feel exactly as she is right now.
"We need to communicate, Jesse, no matter how difficult things are or how hard it is to talk about--even if it hurts one or both of us. If we try to talk it out, to work it out, at least we tried together."
I nod. "I can only ask you to be patient with me, Lucy. I don't know how to do this. I feel like a total p-ssy right now, begging you--my dad would laugh his ass off. Men don't beg women for anything and they sure as f*ck don't cry. Men don't feel. Men use women to f*ck, that's all they need to feel."
"God, Jesse. That explains so much. And I'd really like to meet your dad so I can kick him in the balls and elbow him in the face."
Amazingly, I laugh.
"I'm in this, Lucy. All-in. No going back. No excuses. No bullshit. Just me and you."
She nods. "If you hurt me again…"
"I won't. Not intentionally."
"This time was intentional whether you knew it or not."
I nod because it's f*cking true. I'm a prick.
"I'm an a*shole. I just need to get used to this. I never expected to be in love. Ever."
A few minutes go by and I know she's processing things, weighing things.
"Okay," she breathes.
"Okay?" My heart starts beating and I can breathe again.
She nods.
I wrap my arms around her, holding her close.
"I'm so f*cking sorry."
"I know. Just don't do it again."
I nod and bury my face in her stomach, holding her close, carefully avoiding putting too much pressure on her tattoo.
"I love you, Lucy."
"I know you do. I love you too."
There's a knock on the door. "Yeah," I shout.
In they all come and I don't give a f*ck if they think I'm a p-ssy for crying a few tears or getting down on my knees to beg forgiveness from the woman I love more than life itself.
This woman taught me to feel. She taught me to love. She taught me that some things are more important than pride, and she's that something.