I put the mug down, pulled the blanket around me like a barrier and punched the words at him.
‘It was me who killed Isabella Barclay. I shot her in the back. I gave her no chance. Then I shot her in the head. I killed her without hesitation, hid the body in the lift, and sent it down to the basement.’
‘Yes, I know.’ His voice was very neutral.
They say the ground opens before you …
‘How do you know?’
‘We worked it out. Me, Guthrie, Peterson. It was fairly obvious.’
I stopped, stricken. ‘Does everyone know?’
‘No.’
I didn’t know what to say. ‘I …’
‘Max, you saved our lives. On behalf of both of us, me and Katie, I thank you.’
‘I …’
No words would come.
He moved to the window seat and sat down. This brought him closer to me, but meant he was just a dark shape against the window. Behind him, raindrops dribbled down the windowpanes. He said and I could hear the hurt in his voice, ‘Why didn’t you talk to me about this?’
Because you rejected me.
‘It was too raw. And then we got overtaken by events.’
‘I didn’t mean any blame. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I should have seen … This was what I wanted to say to you Max. If we knew each other better …’
I thought of some of the things we’d been through together.
‘I think we know each other very well.’
‘No, I don’t mean that. I don’t mean it that way.’
I went to pick up my tea and then had second thoughts and fought my way out of the blankets again.
‘Where are you going?’ he said, alarmed.
It’s all very well having these emotional moments, but eventually after two cups of tea, someone has to go to the bathroom. I washed my face and hands as well and stared in dismay at my hair.
When I came out, he was waiting for me.
I sat on the bed and started to pull on my boots.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Shower. Breakfast. Office. In that order.’
‘Is that it? You’re going? Why do you do this? Why can’t you talk to me?’
‘I don’t know what you mean. I’ve been talking solidly for the last hour. What do you want from me?’
Suddenly, he was angry.
‘More. I want much more. I was afraid of what you would say and now, suddenly, you’re not saying anything at all. Why are you leaving now?’
‘I’m tired. I have a lot to do. People to talk to. About David, I mean.’
‘No! No, you don’t do that. You don’t drag David Sands into this because you don’t want to talk.’
Now I was angry too. Time to go before something was said that couldn’t be unsaid.
‘You don’t get to call the shots. I make the decisions in my life. No one else.’
‘Really? How’s that worked out for you so far?’
‘I’m doing OK.’
‘Liar!’
Now I was beginning to get really angry. I could feel the blood pulsing in my head. I had to get out fast before I lost control.
He continued. ‘You’re a sad and lonely woman, Maxwell. You always will be.’
‘Takes one to know one.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
This was getting ugly. It was time for one of us to take a step back.
‘I’m leaving now.’
‘No, you’re not.’ He caught my arm as I tried to brush past him. I raised the threat level to Defcon 3.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’
‘Trying to stop you running away again.’
‘And from what am I running away?’
‘Everything. Yourself. Your past. Your emotions. Your regrets.’
‘I don’t have any regrets. My life is fine. I love my life. Let go of me or lose your arm.’
‘Your life is not fine. It’s not fine now and it certainly wasn’t when you were young.’
‘I’ll say it again. I have no problems with my life now and the past is over and finished. All right, I’ll grant you my childhood wasn’t the best, but it was part of the path that brought me here. It was the price I had to pay for my life now and I’m happy to pay it. Understand?’
He shook me slightly.
‘No, you’re wrong.’
‘I assure you I am not.’
‘No, I mean you didn’t actually pay the price, at all, did you?’
‘What? Let go of me right now. I’m warning you, Chief Farrell, senior officer or not, I will deck you if you don’t get out of my way.’
Far from letting go, he grabbed the other arm. I kicked out viciously and it had to have hurt him, but he didn’t let go.
‘You’re very fond of saying that because it distances you from your childhood, Max, but you didn’t actually pay the price, did you? You’re strong, noisy, grown-up, over-achieving Maxwell. You’re the Maxwell who was born at the University of Thirsk and went on to have the life of her dreams. The person who paid the price wasn’t you – it was little Maddy. Do you ever remember her at all? Little Maddy, sitting alone in the dark, hiding in her wardrobe with no one to turn to.’
How did he know that? How did he know about the wardrobe?
I opened my mouth, but he hadn’t finished.