We looked at each other for a while and then I picked up the note and read aloud, ‘I won’t be back before noon.’
‘I lied,’ he said calmly and sat down in the armchair. We looked at each other some more.
‘I’m sorry about David,’ he said at last.
I felt tears prick my eyes and blinked them away. I wasn’t doing that again, but I knew what he meant, so I nodded.
I sipped a little more and he looked at his feet.
‘You’ll miss him.’
My lip quivered and I buried my face in my mug. I don’t know why I was so bothered about crying in front of the man whose T-shirt had been stiff with snot by the time I’d finished last night.
‘Max, you gave him dignity and self-respect. You gave him a purpose. He loved working with you. He was always talking about you.’
‘Not enough to put up a fight at the end.’
‘He always knew it would come to this. He just chose sooner rather than later.’
I finished my tea, shook the flask to see if there was anything left, and poured myself another.
‘I’ll be gone in a minute. I’m just very thirsty.’
‘No, stay. I wanted to talk to you.’
Well, it had to be done. I had promised David. I leaned back. ‘Go on then.’
‘This is not an excuse. I just wanted to tell you what happened and why. And to apologise, which I’ve tried to do, but … Max, you must know how sorry I am.’
I made a gesture to stop, but he ignored me.
‘When I walked out into that little garden at The Red House, I honestly thought Knox had hit you. Your face was – I hadn’t seen that look since Sussman died. I was still a little groggy and bewildered, but I could see something had happened. But before I could pull myself together and ask, you were gone. I sat down and Knox got me a glass of water. He seemed rather concerned about you. He said having seen the both of us, he was of the opinion that you were in greater need of help than I was. He said there were some – issues – and you were putting up barriers. He said in the normal course of events this would not be a problem; in time, these could be overcome. But since he had only two weeks in which to work, he needed to take action that I might consider somewhat drastic. He asked if I would be willing to assist and I said yes, of course.’
He paused, drew a deep breath, and still looking at his feet, went on.
‘He said he wanted to give you a huge jolt, then kick down your defences, get straight to the heart of the matter and spend the rest of your time there more or less putting you back together again. He said it would, be brutal, but it could be very effective, especially in cases where time was an issue and was I still willing? I said maybe and what would it entail? He told me and I said no. I want you to know this, Max; it’s important that you know. I did say no. I kept saying no. He said he’d expected that response and went on to explain how it would work. Why it had to come from me. Why it had to be swift and shocking. The more he spoke, the more reasonable and logical it sounded. He assured me, repeatedly that it needed to be done because he had concerns about your mental state. I kept saying no. He went on and on. He had an answer for every objection and in the end he made it seem a necessary course of action.’
He sighed. ‘As we now know, it was all lies and I still can’t believe I agreed to it. I can’t believe I said yes.’
I suddenly remembered Ben, the doctor, saying, ‘You will need to be careful for a while. He will be very suggestible.’ I could easily picture the scene – that warm, peaceful, drowsy garden and Knox’s voice droning on and on …
He started up again. ‘Well, you know what happened next. When I discovered you’d gone I … well … He was very soothing, apologised, and said if I wanted to leave too then that was fine with him. He said it was important that I spoke to you as soon as possible. To force you to listen, if necessary. And I would have, but Guthrie got hold of me first and said that was rubbish, to leave it for God’s sake, because at the moment it was only my car that was floating face down in the lake …’
Guthrie had saved his life. The mood I’d been in, crushed between the twin rocks of humiliation and rejection, if he’d approached me I would have killed him. Knox would have known that. Bastard!
He smiled, tired and sad.
‘I thought you’d calm down, that one day I’d be able to explain, but you became very – impregnable – and I couldn’t think of any way to make things better. I tried to talk to you. I’ve tried to write, but I can’t find the words, because really there aren’t any, are there? And things have just limped on, until here we are.’
And here we were indeed.
I said, ‘Before you go any further there’s something you need to know. You won’t like it but you need to hear this. Knox wasn’t completely wrong. Something bad had happened and obviously I wasn’t doing as good a job at dealing with it as I thought I was.’