He twinkled at me again, waiting for me to catch up.
I said this very carefully, so he wouldn’t think I was completely stupid. Or insane. ‘Eddie, if there was no time and no space … Are you saying – was that – did we witness The Big Bang?’
He laughed. ‘Oh, no. No, no, no.’
I felt the most complete idiot. Good job my face was already red.
‘No, no. That wasn’t our Big Bang …’
He looked up, suddenly serious, waiting for me to get it. Why had I never noticed how very penetrating his bright blue eyes were?
I felt the challenge, but I was … I was afraid to put it into words.
‘Professor, did we just witness the … re-birth of the universe?’
He looked over his shoulder although we were the only people in the ward, and lowered his voice.
‘Well done, but not quite right, Max. I don’t think we witnessed it – I think we caused it.’
I’m not often stuck for words. Sex renders me speechless sometimes, but not usually for very long.
When I could speak again, I said, ‘What does Dr Bairstow say?’
‘Oh, he holds you completely responsible.’
Before I could panic, however, he was flapping round under his bedclothes.
‘Eddie, what are you doing?’
Now he was rummaging under his pillows. ‘Where is it? Ah!’
He handed me a piece of paper. ‘Do you ever read P G Wodehouse?’
I took the paper. ‘Yes …’
He nodded. ‘There you are, then.’
Helen came in and looked at us both severely. We were obviously contravening some rule about patients not enjoying themselves. I got up to go. ‘I’ll see you later, Eddie. For dinner.’
‘Looking forward to it, Max. It’s a long time since I’ve dined with a lady in my pyjamas.’
I rocked with laughter.
‘Sorry, that was badly expressed. You know what I mean. Make sure you make full use of that.’
Out in the corridor, I unfolded the paper.
I read the one word written there and grinned to myself.
Revenge is sweet!
*
I clattered off to see Dr Bairstow and get myself back on the active list. Rather surprisingly, he didn’t try to deduct the cost of recreating the universe from my wages. Encouraged by this unexpected benevolence, I showed him Eddie’s slip of paper and explained what I had in mind. He snorted but didn’t actually say no, which was good enough for me.
Mrs Mack was directing operations in the kitchen.
‘Max! Good to see you up and about again.’
‘And so shiny!’
‘Well, I wasn’t going to say anything, but now you come to mention it … What can I do for you? Mint choc.-chip sundae? My killer chocolate mousse? An artery-clogging McMack burger?’
‘Actually,’ I said, ‘I’d like to hire some butter.’
She frowned. ‘I think you may still be a little confused. You don’t hire butter.’
‘I do. I want to be the sole owner of every inch, pound, pat, whatever, of butter in this unit. But not for ever. That’s why I cunningly used the word “hire”.’
‘And I’m going with the cunningly used word “why?” ’
I explained.
When she’d stopped laughing, I said, ‘We’ll split the proceeds between us. I shall donate to the animal shelter round the back of St Stephen’s Street. How about you?’
She thought for a moment. ‘That children’s holiday organisation.’
‘Excellent.’
She chuckled evilly. ‘I’ll go and have a word with my team and lock up the cold store.’
‘And I,’ I said, heading for the door, ‘will call a meeting.’
I gazed down at them all. Shinily.
They gazed back. Bluely.
There are probably all sorts of jokes in there somewhere, but I wanted to move on quickly to the money-making part of the scheme.
‘Good morning, everyone. Just a friendly heads-up. I’ve just come from Dr Bairstow who, not surprisingly, is pretty pissed off with presiding over a bunch of Smurf look-alikes and has asked me to announce the following: ‘From this moment onwards, anyone remaining blue will be charged for the privilege. In other words, people, the longer you remain blue, the larger will be the fine incurred, with a corresponding decrease in your pay packets at the end of the month. That’s it. Dismissed.’
No one moved. I tried hard not to gloat. Then gloated anyway.
‘But Max,’ said Schiller. ‘We’ve tried.’ She licked a finger and rubbed uselessly. ‘It won’t come off.’
I held up the professor’s scrap of paper. ‘Yes, it will. I have in my hand a piece of paper which should ensure peace in our time.’
They squinted.
I clarified.
‘Butter.’
They blinked.
‘The application of the substance known as butter will speedily dissolve and remove your unwanted blueness. I’ve checked with Mrs Mack and she has a more than adequate supply. Enough for all of you. However …’
I was so enjoying this.