I shivered. “Deal.”
In my car on the side of the road all these years later, I sniff sharply and wipe my eyes. I’ve thought about that night many times over the years, but it’s never made me cry before. Though my dick is hard and my body is trembling, the sting in my eyes is too intense to ignore.
They say losing your virginity means losing your innocence, but everything about that afternoon in Michael’s bed was innocent. It was sweet, and gentle, and one of those memories that I hope never, ever fades. It was a night when neither of us knew Steve existed or that he’d eventually find a way to leave his mark on every facet of Michael’s being. Before the panic attacks, the ER visits, the restraining orders that weren’t worth the paper they were printed on, not to mention all the fighting it took just to get one of those worthless pieces of paper. Before Michael watched his lifelong dream of becoming a veterinarian go up in smoke after he flunked out of school. He never has told me what happened, why he went from a straight-A student to failing his finals, but the way he averts his eyes whenever the subject comes up, and just knowing who he was going home to every night at the time, well, I can put two and two together.
But that afternoon we went to bed together for the first time, none of that had happened yet. Neither of us had any reason to be scared or cynical about the future, and it remains to this day one of the most beautiful sexual encounters I’ve ever had.
There was light in Michael’s eyes that day.
And so help me God, I will do whatever it takes to bring that light back to life.
Chapter Five
I finally get my shit together and finish the drive home. The whole way, I can’t stop asking myself—and the universe, and God and whoever happens to be listening—if I’m in over my head. I’m even more determined to help Michael, and even less certain of my ability to do it. I’m already emotionally exhausted, and we didn’t even get past a kiss.
Fuck. It’s not a question of whether I’m in over my head—it’s a question of how far.
I pull into the garage and park beside Ian’s car. As the garage door closes behind me, I shuffle to the door and into the foyer.
Ariel thunders in and bounces, running in circles at my feet.
“Hey, baby,” I say with a halfhearted smile and scratch behind her huge floppy ears. “Did you miss me?”
“She always misses you.”
Ian’s voice makes my heart clench. I look across the foyer into the living room. He’s on the couch, grading papers as always, with Rosie on his lap. She glances up at me, and she’s about as indifferent to my presence as she is to the papers Ian’s using her to prop up.
Ian isn’t quite so indifferent, though. His eyebrows arch enough that I know he sees right through me. He clicks off the TV, which he must’ve been using for background noise. “How did it go?”
“It…” I look down at the dog again because she’s easier to face at the moment than he is. And even she seems to be looking at me like “Well? How did it go?”
I clear my throat. “I think I need a drink.”
“I think I’ll join you.” He picks Rosie up and plants her on the other cushion. She hisses, and he grumbles “Bitch” as he gets up.
Usually, her attitude makes me chuckle—she really is kind of a bitch—but tonight, I just don’t have it in me. I reserve what energy I have left to get me from the foyer to the kitchen.
A glass of wine isn’t going to cut it tonight, so it’s straight to the freezer for the bottle of vodka that’s been in there for the past three years.
“That bad, huh?” Ian asks as I set the bottle on the counter.
Was it that bad? I don’t even know if it went badly, per se. Michael’s on board with the solution Ian suggested. He feels safe enough with me to do this. I can help. I can do something to fix this.
Ian wraps his arms around me, and I exhale.
“You okay?” he asks against my neck.
“I don’t know.” I rest my hands on his.
He holds me tighter. “You talked to Michael about it?”
“Yeah. He needs a little time to think, but it sounds like he wants to try it.”
“Oh. That’s good, right?”
“Yeah. I guess we’ll see what happens.”
“I guess we will.” He kisses my neck again but doesn’t say anything. Knowing him, he’s waiting for me to elaborate.
Finally, I lean against him. “It’s just so hard to see him like that, you know? Since I know what he was like when he was younger and hadn’t been put through the wringer, yet. It’s just—” My voice cracks. “It’s really hard to see.”
Ian holds me tighter and kisses just above my collar. “I can’t even imagine.”
“I kissed him. Didn’t go any further than that, though.”
Ian tenses a little, lips touching my skin but not moving. After a moment, he quietly says, “Oh.”
I turn my head slightly. “That’s okay, right? I mean, you’re—”
“It’s fine. It’s fine.” Ian turns me around and puts his hands on my hips. “I, uh… It might take some adjustment. Knowing you’re with someone else. Physically.”