I should be relieved that Michael’s open to Ian’s suggestion, but I don’t feel anything like relief as I head home. I’m still too shell-shocked by just how shaken Michael really is. Hearing that his terrible ex did things to him to make him afraid of sex is one thing.
Watching him tremble with fear over the idea of being touched? Seeing the tears in his eyes? Personally witnessing his hellish past turn a kiss into something that difficult?
I wince, my throat aching and my eyes stinging. Knowing how Michael was when he was still young and unscathed makes it even worse. I know firsthand how confident and bold he used to be in bed, and it hurts like hell to realize how much damage has been done.
Halfway back to my house and my husband, I’m struggling to focus on the road, so I pull over. As the engine idles, I rub my hands over my face. Memories are flooding my brain, and one in particular keeps surfacing. It’s a memory that still wanders through my mind from time to time, and tonight, it won’t be ignored. Not with Michael’s kiss still fresh on my lips and the raw fear in his voice still thrumming along my nerve endings. There’s no stopping it. The past wants to be heard, and it’s either let it say its piece now, or wait until I’m lying in bed beside Ian.
So I close my eyes and let the memories come.
We’d been high school graduates for all of two weeks, so naturally, we owned the world. Driving around our hometown in beater cars, grinning like idiots every time we passed our alma mater, we were flying high and ready for the future to bring it on.
To save money, we were both going the community college route for the next two years. After that, Michael would start at the university for pre-vet, and then veterinary school. He had it all mapped out and planned down to the letter, from graduating at the top of his class to opening up a practice right there in town. My agenda wasn’t quite so well plotted. I hoped—and my parents hoped—that the two community college years would be enough for me to figure out what I planned to study at the university, if anything. At the moment, I didn’t have a clue.
It was no surprise that Michael had it together and I didn’t. He always did. He was valedictorian. I barely squeaked by with a C+ average. He had his driver’s license the day he turned sixteen. I failed my driving test twice and finally passed it—barely—just before I turned eighteen. He’d known since kindergarten he wanted to be a vet. Nothing short of a fortune teller or a time machine was going to shed any light on what I wanted to do.
And Michael had figured out this whole gay business long before I had. He’d been out since our freshman year, and he’d confided in me that he’d known since fourth grade. Me, I’d been a bit slower to creep out of the closet. It took me until well into high school to accept that, no, those hard-ons for guys weren’t going away and, no, I really wasn’t into girls, no matter how much I wanted to be. Senior year, just before the homecoming game, I finally came out. Naturally, the first person I told was Michael.
He’d blinked a few times, shaken his head and finally said, “Okay. And?”
“What do you mean, ‘and’?”
“I mean, I thought you had something big to tell me.” He shrugged. “I’ve known you were gay since forever.”
“You—seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I laughed. “It took me long enough to figure it out.”
Michael turned a bit serious, though. “I thought about it. I’ve just—” He swallowed hard, and some color showed up in his cheeks as he avoided my eyes. “I didn’t want you to think I was trying to persuade you.”
“Persuade me? To what? Be gay?”
“Yeah.”
“Why the hell would—”
He met my gaze. And held it. And held it. And—
Oh.
Oh.
I gulped. “Are you…”
The color in his cheeks deepened. “Would it weird you out if I told you I’ve wanted to kiss you since last year?”
Slowly, wordlessly, I shook my head. The guy I’d been fantasizing about for the last few months wanted to kiss me? After a long, silent moment, I said, “Do you still want to?”
Michael nodded. “A lot.”
“Me too.”
His eyebrows flicked up. “Have, um, have you ever kissed anyone before?”
“Not…” My face burned, and it was probably as red as his was a minute ago. “No guys.”
“Girls?”
I nodded.
I thought he might be put off by that or think it was weird or something, but the corners of his mouth curled up and his eyes narrowed a little. As he curved his hand around the back of my neck, he said, “Good. Then you already know what to do.”