Chapter 24
I opened my mouth, but there was nothing I could say. Cam actually kicked me out of his apartment. He was begging that I go home. The burn encompassed my lungs now and red-hot tears pricked the back of my eyes.
“Okay,” I mumbled.
“Avery…”
“It’s totally okay.” Turning away, I stumbled back up the hall and to my door. I heard his open and close before I could even open mine. Pressing my forehead against my door, I squeezed my eyes shut, but a tear snuck out, running down my flushed cheek.
Cam had kicked me out, and my apartment was empty. I was empty. Everything was empty. It would be just me and my stupid beer bottle.
Okay. Maybe I was slightly drunk.
I moved away from my door, not sure where I was going, but I couldn’t go inside my apartment. By an act of God, I made it down the five flights of steps and out onto the sidewalk without breaking my neck.
The cold pavement seeped through my thick socks, numbing my feet as I stumbled along, taking another drink. I found a vacant parking spot and plopped my ass down on the curb. Tilting my head back, I stared up at the sky riddled with stars. Hey, there was the Corona Borealis.
Still didn’t look like a f*cking crown.
Or maybe it wasn’t the Corona Borealis. How the f*ck would I know?
The stars… they were pretty, though, and so far away and really blurry. Tears built in my eyes, coating the back of my throat. My arms fell between my legs, bottle dangling from my fingers.
It was official. I really was Se?orita F*cktard. And I’d f*cked everything up with Cam—the ‘what was’ and ‘what could’ve been.’ Because there could’ve been something there, and I was just so f*cking stupid. Worse of all, I’d slaughtered our friendship and he had been such a good friend. In the short time I knew him, he’d become the best friend I’d ever had. Seriously.
Wiping my cheek on my shoulder, I took another drink. A cool wind whipped around me, tossing my hair across my face as I lowered my head. I wasn’t cold, though, which probably meant I was pretty drunk.
I was such a lightweight.
And why was I sitting on the curb? I honestly didn’t know, but it was better than being inside my apartment, all alone. And yeah, I was alone out here, but it didn’t feel that way. I was pretty sure there was a squirrel over by the tree, so that counted for something, right?
I laughed and the wind seemed to pick up the sound, tossing it up in the bare branches, where they rattled like dry bones.
Lifting the bottle to take another drink, I realized it was empty. “Well, shit on me…”Still, I sat there, staring out across the parking lot, not really seeing anything. I don’t know how long it was, but when I glanced up, I couldn’t see any of the stars behind the thick, dark clouds and my face felt numb. I wondered what Molly was doing right now. Did she feel any different than me because she had done the right thing? Any better or worse?
“Avery!”
I jumped at the sound of my name and dropped my empty beer bottle. It clanked off the asphalt and rolled under someone’s car. Whoops.
Cam stalked across the sidewalk toward me, the wind tossing strands of wavy hair across his forehead. What happened to the cap? I liked the cap. The look on his face twisted up my insides. “What in the f*ck are you doing out here?”
“I… I’m looking at the stars.”
“What?” He stopped beside me and knelt down. “Avery, it’s like thirty degrees outside. You’re going to get sick again.”
I shrugged and looked away. “What are you doing out here?”
“I was looking for you, you little dumbass.”
My head swung in his direction and my eyes narrowed. It may only be thirty degrees outside, but the liquor was warm in my tummy and it fueled my temper. “Excuse me? You’re out here, so you’re a dumbass, too, you dumbass.”
His lips twitched as if he was trying not to smile. “I told you I was coming over to talk to you. I checked your apartment first. I knocked and you didn’t answer. The door was unlocked and I went inside.”
“You went inside my apartment? That’s kind of rude.”
He looked unbothered by that. “Yeah, I saw you sitting up here from your window.”
It was taking my head a little longer than normal to process everything. “Is the fight over?”
Sitting down beside me, we were shoulder to shoulder. “No. The main fight just began.”
“You’re missing it.”
Cam didn’t respond immediately. He thrust his hand through his hair, causing the ends to stand up between his fingers. “God, Avery…”
I squirmed, and the liquor sloshed in my stomach.
A muscle in his jaw worked as he focused on the cars I was staring at earlier. “Seeing you tonight? I was f*cking surprised.”
“Because of Steph?” I blurted out, and blamed the alcohol for that.
“What?” He shot me a look. “No. Jase invited her.”
“Looks like she was there for you.”
He shrugged one shoulder. “Maybe she was, but I don’t give a f*ck.” Then he turned to me, head tilted to the side, hands now on his knee. “Avery, I haven’t messed around with Steph since I met you. I have messed around with anyone since I met you.”
My heart thumped in my chest. “Okay.”
“Okay?” He gave a little shake of his head. “See, you don’t get it. You never f*cking got it. You’ve avoided me since Thanksgiving break. Dropped the Goddamn class and I know that was because of me, and every time I tried to talk to you, you f*cking ran from me.”
“You didn’t want to talk to me the day I thanked you for helping me out,” I pointed out.
“Gee, I don’t know why? Maybe because you made it painfully clear you didn’t want anything to do with me. And then you just show up tonight? Out of the f*cking blue and get drunk? You don’t get it.”
I wet my cold, dry lips. Everything he said was true. “I’m sorry. I am drunk, a little, and I am sorry, because you’re right and… I’m rambling.”
He stared at me a moment and then barked out a short laugh. “Alright, it’s not the time for that conversation obviously. Look, I didn’t mean to be such a dick inside there, making you leave, but—”
“It’s okay. I’m used to people not wanting me at their parties.” I pushed to my feet. The stars seemed to twirl a bit with the movement. “No big deal.”
Cam stood, watching me carefully. “It’s not that I didn’t want you there, Avery.”
“Um… really?” I laughed and it sounded hoarse. “You asked me to leave.”
“I—”
“Correction.” I held up my hand and my fingers blurred a bit. “You told me to leave.”
“I did. It was a dickhead move, but it’s the first time you’re at my place, you come in there, start drinking and then…” He took a deep breath, letting out slowly. “Henry was all over and you’re giggling—”
“I’m not interested in him!”
“It didn’t look that way, Avery. You’re drunk and I didn’t want you doing something you’d regret,” he said. “I don’t know what the hell goes on in your head half the time and I had no idea what you were doing here tonight, but I’ve never seen you drink and I didn’t know what you were going to do. I didn’t want someone taking advantage of you.”
“Been there, done that,” I tossed out recklessly, and then clamped my mouth shut. Oh my God, I was never drinking again. Ever.
He raised his hands and then stopped halfway. He just stared at me, a terrible understanding crossing his face. “What?”
I’d made a big mistake—a big, big mistake. Flight or fight response kicked in, and of course, I did the flight thing. I started around him.
“Oh, hell no.” Cam was right in front of me, hands on my shoulders. “What did you just say?”
Damage control mode took over. “I don’t know what I said. Okay? I’m drunk, Cam. Duh. Who the f*ck knows what’s coming out of my mouth. I don’t. I really don’t know what I’m even doing out here.”
“Shit.” His eyes were a dark, midnight blue as he stared into mine. “Avery…” A pained look crossed his face and his fingers tightened on my shoulders. “What are you not telling me? What haven’t you told me?”
My throat constricted. “Nothing! I swear. I promise you. I’m just running my mouth, okay? So stop looking at me like there’s something wrong with me.”
“I’m not staring at you like that, sweetheart.” His brows slammed down as he searched my face.
I wanted to know what he was thinking, because I knew he had to be lying. That one little slip of the tongue had me desperately trying to come up with a way to erase it. I could lie and tell him I just got really drunk once and embarrassed myself. Sounded believable, but I had absolutely no control of my mouth apparently.
Then Cam did the one thing that sent my thoughts spinning.
He pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around me. I froze for only a second or two and then I placed my hands on his sides. I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek against his chest.
I inhaled his scent, surrounding myself in it. “I’ve missed you.”
His hand moved up my back, burying deep in my wind blown hair. “I’ve missed you, sweetheart.” He leaned back and lifted me a good couple of inches off my feet and then sat be back down. Sliding his hands to my cheeks, he laughed. “You feel like a little ice cube.”
“I feel hot.” And that was true. My skin was numb, but I felt his hug and I felt his hands sliding over me. I raised my lashes and our eyes met. “Your eyes are really beautiful, you know that?”
“I think that’s the shots of tequila talking,” he replied, grinning. “Come on, let’s get you inside before you freeze.”
Cam stepped back and let go of my shoulders. I was a little tipsy on my feet, and when he reached down and threaded his fingers through mine, the biggest, stupidest grin lit up my face. It was like he hadn’t asked me to leave his apartment and I hadn’t been sitting outside for God knows how long like a loser.
Might have been the tequila and beer, but I wanted to run around like a lunatic.
Luckily I didn’t attempt that, because the stairs proved to be a tricky beast. I think the depth between each step kept changing on me. Back in my too toasty apartment, Cam shut the door behind us. He still held my hand tightly in his as he turned to me. He didn’t say anything, and a nervous anticipation swelled inside me.
“You’re missing the fight,” I said again.
“So I am.” He tugged me around the couch and then down, so I was sitting beside him. Only then did he let go of my hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay.” I smoothed my damp palms along my jeans. “Your friends are probably wondering where you are.”
Cam leaned back against the cushion, throwing his arm along the back of the couch. “I don’t care.”
“You don’t?”
“Nope.”
I sat forward and looked over my shoulder at him. He appeared to be waiting for something. Unable to sit, I jumped up and nearly face-planted the coffee table. Would have if Cam hadn’t caught my arm.
“Maybe you should sit down, Avery.”
“I’m okay.” Wiggling free, I moved around the table carefully, just in case it decided to move on me. The nervous energy buzzed along with the alcohol. I tugged my sweater off my skin, feeling hot. “So… what did you want to do? I can, um, turn on the TV or put a movie in, but I don’t have any movies. I guess I can order one from—”
“Avery, just sit down for a little while.”
Instead of doing that, I picked up a fallen pillow and placed it on the couch. Straightening was a little difficult, but I flitted over to the moon chair. “You don’t think it’s hot in here?”
Amusement filled his blue eyes. “How much did you drink?”
“Um…” I had to really think about that. “Not much—maybe like two or three shots of tequila aaand two beers? I think.”
“Oh wow.” Cam leaned forward, his lips tipping into a grin. “When’s the last time you’ve really drank?”
“Halloween night,” I blurted.
He looked confused. “I didn’t see you drink Halloween night.”
“Not this past Halloween night.” I stood, tugging on my sleeves and my fingers brushed the bracelet. “It was… five years ago.”
“Whoa. That’s a long time.” He scooted forward and then stood. “You got water in here? Bottled?”
“In the kitchen,” I said, wetting my lips.
He disappeared and reappeared pretty quickly, handing a bottle over. “You should drink this.”
I took it, but wasn’t thirsty.
“So that made you, what? Fourteen? Fifteen?” He sat back down on the edge of the couch.
“Fourteen,” I whispered, my gaze dropping to where his hands hung between his knees.
“That’s really young to be drinking.”
Sweat dotted my forehead. Sitting the bottle down, I picked up a hair tie from the coffee table and pulled my hair up into a messy bun. “Yeah, you didn’t drink when you were fourteen?”
A little grin appeared. “I snuck a beer or two at fourteen, but I thought your parents were strict?”
I snorted as I dropped into the moon chair. “I don’t want to talk about them or drinking or Halloween.”
“Okay.”
Feeling sweaty, I tugged my sweater up. It got stuck around my head for a second and then finally, I got the itchy material off. Knocking the loose strands of hair out of my face, I glanced over at Cam. You’d think I didn’t have a tank top on underneath by the way he was staring at me, but it was more than that.
I stood once more, wanting to be far away from that conversation, because Cam was looking at me again like he was seeing more than I was showing. I thought about how he’d looked when he saw the scar on my wrist and outside minutes before.
It was the same look.
Like he was piecing together a puzzle and the pieces were starting to fit. For some reason, through my disorganized thoughts, I thought about Teresa and how he was when he’d realized she was talking to a guy. He’d taken protective older brother to a whole new level. Had she…?
I shook my head and pushed those thoughts away, because it made me think of how there hadn’t been anyone looking out for me.
But I didn’t want him looking at me like that. I didn’t need him to watch out for me, to worry about what I was doing or what would happen. I needed him to…
Look at me the way he had the first night he’d kissed me and then again in the bed at his parents house. I wanted him to see me like that.
“What are you doing?”
I stopped in-between the kitchen and hallway. My fingers were curled around the edges of my tank top, and there was a different kind of interest in his stare, a keen wariness. My heart was racing and my thoughts were crashing into one another. I liked Cam—a lot. Even if it was crazy and doomed for heartbreak. My heart already hurt. And I’d missed him and he missed me and he was here now when he could be with his friends, with Steph.
Part of me stopped thinking completely. The other part told me to do what was expected, what someone like Cam would want and need, because wasn’t that why he was here? Because we weren’t talking and I wanted to be that girl from before.
I took off my tank top before my brain caught up with everything. Oddly, that part wasn’t hard. Cool air washed over my flushed skin, spreading tiny bumps. The hard part was looking up when I heard Cam inhale.
“Avery.”
My heart was thumping so fast and my pulse pounded. Blood rushed to my face, but I looked up.
He was staring at me, the wariness in the tense line of his jaw was overshadowed by the way his chest rose like he was breathing just as fast as I was.
Slightly dizzy, I leaned against the wall, letting my arms fall to my sides. Cam stood a few feet away, and I hadn’t seen him move around the couch. He wasn’t just staring at me. Oh no, it was much, much more than that. I felt devoured by his stare, like I had felt when he’d kissed me, as if he was committing every detail to his memory. Warmth traveled down my throat, across my chest, and to the lacy edges of my black bra. His lips parted, and I bit down on mine. When he dragged his gaze back up, an intense feeling built low in my stomach. Heat poured into his crystalline eyes, deepening the brilliant hue.
There was a twinge of uncertainty blossoming in my chest, under the delicious tensing, and my throat dried. I didn’t want to feel that. I wanted just the warmth and the breathless feeling.
“Cam?”
He shook his head, hands closing into fists at his sides. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” I asked.
His eyes squeezed shut. “This—don’t do this, sweetheart.”
“Isn’t that what you want?” I swallowed.
Cam’s eyes flew. “I don’t expect that, Avery.”
My confidence wavered like a thin tree in a storm and then completely collapsed. I sucked in a breath and it got stuck in my throat. “You don’t want me.”
Cam was in front of me within a second, so fast I hadn’t even seen him move. His hands were planted on either side of my head and he leaned down, his face inches from mine. Tension rolled off his body in waves. Air fled my lungs as my body went rigid.
“F*ck, Avery. You think I don’t want you?” His voice came out low, almost a growl. “There’s not a single part of you that I don’t want, you understand? I want to be on you and inside of you. I want you against the wall, on the couch, in your bed, in my bed, and every f*cking place I can possibly think of, and trust me, I have a vast imagination when it comes to these kinds of things. Don’t ever doubt that I want you. That is not what this is about.”
My eyes widened as confusion swirled through me, muddling my thoughts further, which at this point, seemed impossible.
He leaned in, resting his forehead against mine. The contact sent my pulse pounding. “But not like this—never like this. You’re drunk, Avery, and when we get together—because we will get together, you’re going to be fully aware of everything that I do to you.”
It took a few moments, but what he said finally sunk in through the liquor haze and confusion and made sense. Closing my eyes, I turned my head to the side, feeling the way his skin slid alongside mine. “You’re a good guy, Cam.”
“No, I’m not.” He exhaled deeply and his breath was warm against my cheek. “I’m only good with you.”