Chapter 11
Darkness surrounded them. It was what they worked best in, the one thing he knew that would make it easier to extract the subject. The plan was in place, and as always, there was a backup. But Kade had a bad feeling about this one. Something in his gut was telling him that they should abort.
“Something’s wrong,” Mal whispered. “Really wrong.”
Mal always knew when something was going down. The fact that Kade was feeling it, too, wasn’t a very good sign.
Nothing moved. Not even an animal as they made their way to the rebel camp. It was so f*cking hot. He just wanted to get back to Shannon. He wanted to make it out of here alive and go back to the joy he’d shared with her. Then it hit him. It was too quiet. A real base camp would at least have some kind of activity. He held his fist up, telling everyone to halt. It came a second too late. An IED went off several yards in front of them. Mal dropped to the ground and didn’t move. Kade’s heart was pumping hard, adrenaline coursing through him as chaos exploded around him. They all hit the dirt, and Kade crawled on the floor of the jungle to reach his friend. He was happy to find him unconscious with a steady heartbeat. Then shots were fired. He heard Forrester scream out, and he jumped to his feet. He saw a rebel holding his gun to the kid’s head. Kade couldn’t get a good shot off. The sound of the other gun going off echoed through the jungle.
Kade came awake screaming. Sweat rolled down his back, and in the coolness of the room, he shivered. His heart was smacking against his ribs.
“Kade? Are you okay?” Shannon asked, her soft voice filled with sleep and worry.
Still feeling the raw from the dream, he said nothing, just rose from the bed and went into the bathroom.
By the time he returned, she had turned on her bedside light and pulled on her robe.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Nothing to talk about.”
She frowned. “You have nightmares every night. Talking sometimes helps.”
“Well, it won’t help me. Just forget it.”
He settled back in the bed. He didn’t want to look at her, couldn’t.
“Have you talked to anyone about it?”
“Let it go, Shannon. I’m not in the mood.”
He closed his eyes but the light remained on. He sighed and opened his eyes and found her watching him. She was still rumpled from sleep, her hair a tangle of curls down her back. With a smile, he set his hand on her thigh. “I do know what will help me sleep.”
Her eyes softened, but she shook her head. “I really do think you need to talk about it. I know having nightmares after a mission is routine, but it’s been months. I know when I talk about mine, they don’t seem so scary.”
He removed his hand from her leg and fought back the panic that rose to his throat. “I’m not scared. Just a messed up dream.”
“If you don’t face your problem how are you going to fix—“
“Is this about you fixing me?”
Irritated and needing space, he rose from the bed. He pulled on his pants.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I should have known you weren’t being truthful. Women are always trying to fix men. You think that you know what’s best for us. I don’t need any help working through my issues. I’m fine.”
The silence in the room had him panicking. When he turned to face her, he was sure he would find her crying, but instead, she was staring at him. Expressionless.
“I was just offering a suggestion, but apparently, I hit a nerve.”
He didn’t like the way she looked now. As if she had shut down. She was normally so full of life. The contrast was stunning. The fact that it was his fault pissed him off even more. He knew it was wrong. He knew he was digging his grave. Still, he went on.
“No, what you’re trying to do is tell me how to live.”
She opened her mouth, then snapped it shut. She shut down even more. If she was expressionless before, she was downright icy cold.
“Fine.”
She scooted out of bed and moved away from him. His panic increased, and with it, his anger.
“That’s what’s wrong with women. Always trying to fix us.”
“I believe you already mentioned that. I have never tried to fix you, or whatever you’re talking about.” Her voice was low when she spoke, and he knew her temper was getting the better of her. “In fact, I have walked on eggshells around you since you showed up. It has been only a few days, and I have never asked what was coming up next. Never.”
“You were too busy trying to make sure you took care of me.”
She stared at him as if he had grown a second head. “You’re pissed at me because I cared for you?”
When she said it that way, it made him sound like an ass. He pushed that thought aside. He might only have his pride right now, well not much of it, but some.
“That’s not the real problem, though, is it, you stupid Seal? You want to control everything. All the time. Is that why you can’t sleep through the night anymore? You went on a mission and things got out of control? So you found out you have no power in a lot of situations. Worse, you can’t control me. ”
“That has nothing to do with it.”
“Because I didn’t act like some kind of clinging vine, you had to come up with another reason that I was ruining your life. Fine. Run. Be the coward.”
“What did you call me?” he asked. His temper was growing as the panic dissolved.
“You heard me. I’m willing to love you, give you all my love, but you are being such a thickheaded Seal, you can’t accept that. Fine. Go. Get out of my house.”
“Where the hell am I supposed to go?”
“I have no idea, just get out of my room.”
He hesitated, trying to figure out if she was serious. From the fire sparking in her green eyes, he was pretty damned sure she wanted him to leave. He was just glad she didn’t believe in owning a handgun. He would worry about what appendage she would shoot off.
“Fine.”
Without another word, he walked to the door. Something had his stomach churning, and it wasn’t the nightmare. He slammed the door behind him and walked to the guest room. He knew he was probably wrong. What did his father always say? Men are always wrong if there was a woman involved.
F*ck. He had lashed out at her because of his own issues and hurt her. He walked out into the hall again and stopped at her door. He heard her then, the loud sobs piercing his heart. He pressed his hand against the door, wanting nothing more than to go in and hold her. But it would be false. He wasn’t truly cut out for this. He would hurt her again. And in the end, she would hate him more than she did now.
Feeling impotent, he turned and walked away. Each step he took hurt him more than his damaged knee. Knowing he loved her with every step was killing him, but a woman like Shannon deserved a whole man.
He would never be able to offer her that again.
· · · · ·
Shannon went through the motions of saying her goodbyes. She didn’t like big emotional scenes, not when no good could come out of them. Kade was going to believe what he wanted, and in the time they’d had, they couldn’t work through their problems. And he didn’t want to. While she and Kade barely spoke, she did say goodbye.
“You want to tell me what happened there?” Mal asked when they were alone.
“He’s a pig-headed fool.”
He studied her for a second. “I can beat him up.”
“That’s sweet.” She gave him a kiss. “Your buddy there beats himself up enough. Maybe one day he’ll come to his senses. Though, he is a man. So there is a good a chance that he will never come to his senses. You are the lesser sex.”
He sighed. “Okay, but call me if you change your mind. I can make his life hell.”
She nodded. “Stay safe. Please.”
He nodded and gave her another kiss on the cheek, and then strode toward the car. Kade refused to look at her. He had mumbled his goodbyes, but she hadn’t been truly open to conversation with him, either. She watched as her brother pulled away from the curb and said a little prayer for the three men for their journey, and lord, whatever mission they next went on. She walked back into her house, shutting the door and walking to the kitchen. Shannon was cried out. She didn’t think she had another tear left in her.
Her phone rang, and when she saw the eight-oh-eight area code, she frowned. It was the middle of the night for her sister.
“What are you doing up?”
“No hello, Jocelyn? I miss you.”
Her chest clutched and near tears formed in her eyes. “I do love you, you know that, you idiot.”
Jocelyn sighed. “Malachai called. You need to talk?”
She sniffed. “Yeah, I do.”
She heard someone talking in the background and knew it was Kai.
“Kai said he could beat him up for you.”
Shannon chuckled through her tears. “Malachai already offered, and since they have to spend two days in the car together, he’ll have more of a chance.”
“So tell me about it.”
She wanted to. She wanted nothing more than to sit down and talk to the one person she was closest to in the world. “I will, but I think I want to do it in person. You up for a guest for a couple of weeks?”
“Always. My father-in-law has been testing out his two-stepping on the women at the community center, but he says you are the only one who does it right.”
“I would really like that. I would like that a lot.”
“You make your plans then let me know.”
“Sure. I have to arrange everything at the bar, but I’ll let you know.”
“Love you, Shan.”
“I love you, Jocey.”
When she hung up, she took a deep breath, and before she could think differently, she pulled out the phone and called Simon. She needed to get away, and she needed her sister.
· · · · ·
Kade cursed the moment he tried to do a roundhouse kick to the punching bag. His knee almost crumbled under his weight.
“Looking good there, Kade,” Mal said.
He glanced at his friend who was using the bag next to him. Since they had returned the week before, he hadn’t tried to ask Kade anything. Hadn’t accused him or tried to kick his ass. It was making him nervous. His friend was mad. He knew that. But he was holding back.
“I could kick your ass any day of the week.”
Mal scoffed. “You? You’re afraid of a little woman.”
The area of the gym where they stood went silent. Kade glanced around at the other Seals. They were watching them as if a show was about to begin.
He turned back to Mal. “What did you say?”
Mal rolled his shoulders. “You’re afraid of Shannon.”
There were a few whispers as he felt his temper rising. “Did she tell you that?”
“No, but she did call you a pig-headed idiot, or something like that. She didn’t have to tell me. I could see you running away from her.”
“Go f*ck yourself.”
“Gladly. If you can stop being a pain in the ass to everyone here.”
Kade glanced around at the crowd that had gathered and realized that some of the guys were shaking their heads. He could feel anger whipping through him, crawling into his head and taking control of his better judgment.
“You itching for a fight?” he asked. He was ready for it, needed it, craved it. He took a step toward him.
“McKade! Dupree!”
They both turned around to find the leader of the group staring at them. F*ck.
“My office, now.”
Without a word between them, they pulled off their gloves and followed the Lieutenant Commander to his office.
“You two want to tell me what the f*ck is going on?”
Neither of them said a word.
“I can’t have my men fighting like a bunch of idiots. We’re still trying to piece the group back together, and you two have to act like ten-year-olds on the playground. I really don’t want to do the f*cking paperwork involved if I have to discipline. Can you assure me that you will behave like Seals from now on? I would hate to transfer one of you out of here.”
Kade knew without a doubt it would be him. He was trying to recover, and Mal was in working order.
They both nodded.
“Dupree, you can go.”
His friend tossed him a sympathetic look. When the door shut, Markinson said, “Sit.”
Shit, this was going to take a while. They were never offered a seat unless it was going to be a long chat. Still, he did as ordered, fighting the pain that shot through his leg.
“McKade, I know that we don’t do the feeling thing. We’re men, and worse, we’re Seals. But you have got to get the bug that crawled up your ass out of there. From the moment you came back from leave, you have been a pain in the ass. For me, for everyone around you. I thought you would at least be relaxed after a week in New Orleans. You were worse. We’ll be on active status again, and I need to know that I can count on you. The men need to know.”
“I’ll be ready.”
He sighed. “I don’t want to know what you’re feeling, seriously. But, you were closed off for so long, and now you’re bitching at everyone. Yes, I used the word bitching. You got in a fight with Smith because he didn’t load his weapon right. It’s like you’ve lost your center.”
The moment Markinson said it, the image of Shannon came to his mind. She always centered him. Even before they were involved, he could chat with her as a friend and feel his life get back on track. She was the one thing that he needed to make it work, and he had pushed her away. No wonder he’d been acting like a raving lunatic. Without Shannon, he had no compass.
“Are you listening to me?”
He blinked at his commander.
“Uh, yes, sir.”
“I understand what it’s like to lose someone. I was in Fallujah as you know. So…it was bad. But, you have to work through it. Go see a doctor, get some meds.”
F*ck. What a great time to figure out that pushing Shannon away was what had left him screwed up. The mission had been painful, losing his friend bad. It was the worst. Or he thought. Now that he didn’t have Shannon, he didn’t think straight. He couldn’t even work through his emotions.
“Permission to be excused, sir.”
Markinson stopped in midsentence and looked up at him.
“I was talking here, McKade.”
“I understand. I just figured out what I needed to fix something.”
He continued to study Kade. “Okay, but just know I need you one hundred percent by the end of four weeks.”
Kade nodded. “Oh, and I need to take off a week.”
“What? Another one?” he asked, almost shouting.
“I just figured out what I needed.”
“And it takes you a week to fix it?”
“No. It will take me a week to convince her to take me back.”
Understanding filled the commander’s eyes. “You got it. Good luck.”
With more purpose than he’d felt in months, he walked out of the office and walked down the hall. Mal stepped out of the locker room.
“Look, Kade, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have picked that fight with you. Did Markinson bust your ass?”
“No.” He started toward the door. “Can you take me to the airport?”
“Wait. What?”
Kade hurried down the stairs and ignored the chill in the air and pain in his knee. Now that he knew what he wanted to do, where he wanted to be, he needed to get to Shannon now.
“I’m flying to New Orleans.”
“Why?”
“To get on my knees and beg.”
“Shannon isn’t there.”
He stopped in his tracks and looked up at Mal. “Where is she?”
“Hawaii. She left a couple days ago to spend some time with Jocelyn.”
He huffed out a breath. “Okay, I need to move some money around, and then I’m flying to Hawaii.”
Mal shook his head. “Do you know what you’re doing?”
“Yeah, dammit.” He started walking again. “I’m going to get my woman.”