Chapter 19
I threw a flake of hay into Stanley’s stall for his night feed. He was a big Clydesdale cross that had several open wounds on his back from an improperly fitted harness when he used to pull a wagon far too heavy for one horse. His owner sent him to slaughter two weeks ago where Hank had seen him and picked him up.
Stanley and a few other horses with injuries came in the barn at night until they healed. We didn’t have wolves, but there were coyotes prowling at night.
“You already did that.” Kat was sitting on the cement floor with her sketch pad on her bent knees.
I looked over the stall door and saw the two flakes of hay. Shit. I had. Stanley would have extra tonight, which I’m certain he wouldn’t mind.
I was completely distracted wondering why Logan hadn’t called or texted yet. He always called before ten. Well, every night for the past ten days. I was used to it. I expected it. Shit, I was mad because I noticed that he hadn’t called. Kat noticed that I noticed. And I realized that listening to Logan before bed was becoming something I looked forward to every night.
Last night we’d been talking while I lay in bed, and he was telling me about the last venue they played at and how Ream was giving attitude to a chick who’d been following them. The chick wanted Ream; Ream had her once and now no longer wanted her.
Logan then proceeded to tell me that Crisis f*cked anything that had tits and ass. Kite was more subdued about it, but he did it too, just quieter than Crisis. I also found out that they were all coming back to the farm after the tour. They had a celebration bash planned at the end of the month their manager was organizing.
“You talk to Sculpt yet?” Kat was sketching again, trying to act nonchalant.
“Nope.”
“Huh.”
I knew she was waiting for me to say more, but I had no intention of talking about it. Logan was with the band. Or with a chick. Shit. I rested my forehead on the wood beam. Damn it. Damn it. I knew this would happen. I was getting too close again. I was thinking about him constantly. Counting the days until he came home. Home? I sounded like a girlfriend waiting for her boyfriend to get back.
Oh God. This was my home, and shit ... this was Logan’s too. I was working hard to gain my independence from Matt and Kat, and I was feeling like I was losing it to Logan. He was taking it away by making me need him. God, what was I saying? Logan wasn’t making me do anything. It was me. It was my need to surrender to him. He fulfilled something inside me that I was trying desperately to block out and deny.
I felt a hand on my back. “Emily, it’s cool. He’s in a band, they’re unreliable. Shit happens.”
I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t care whether he called or texted. I thought I could get past the intensity between us. I failed. And it had only strengthened with his calls. We talked about everything except Raul and what happened. Mostly the band, his love of motorcycles and my love of horses. It was like we used to talk. We skirted around his mother, but he did tell me her name, Isabella, and that she had long, dark-brown hair with a slight wave to it. Logan also said she had a smile that lit up her whole face like a child opening presents at Christmas. Then he ruined that image with the fact that he rarely saw her smile.
I had to stop thinking about him. “Let’s go to Avalanche,” I suggested.
“What? Now?”
“I’m declaring it a girls’ night.” I needed to go out and forget. Drink. Have fun. “No guy talk. Just the girls.” I stroked Stanley’s muzzle and he nudged my shoulder.
Kat was already on her phone. “Texting Georgie.”
We were showered and dressed within the hour. I wore tight jeans with my red strappy heels and a white blouse that fit snug at the waist.
“Kat. Emily. Looking good,” the bouncer Dan said as he held the door open for us. “You girls hear? Real good band playing tonight. Matt hired them a few weeks ago. Have that Hinder feel.”
“Oh raspy voice. Like it. Wicked. Thanks, Dan.” Kat kissed him on the cheek, and we strolled in, quickly finding Georgie at a table near the stage. She had Raven with her who looked completely out of her element, all curled into herself. Her shoulders were slouched, hands clasped together in her lap; her head was down and her face hidden by her long, stringy hair. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and just cry for her, but I suspected that would be the last thing she’d want.
We drank, talked, laughed ... well, all except Raven. Although, at the beginning of the evening I did chat with her a few minutes. I was surprised when she initiated the chat, leaning forward in her chair and looking up at me. She had dark circles under her eyes as if her mascara, that she wasn’t wearing, had smudged. She asked where I was living now. I smiled and went to put my hand over top of hers, but stopped mid-approach when she flinched back in her chair.
I told her about the farm and the horses then suggested she come by and I’d take her riding. I thought her eyes would light up at that—they didn’t. Dead. Dull. It was really eerie how she had no emotion except fear. Every movement made her jump, and she looked nervous and uncomfortable. I understood why. I mean I didn’t, but I probably did better than anyone here. It would take a long time before she trusted again. If ever.
Kat and I danced a few times while Georgie stayed with Raven. I was on my fifth cosmopolitan by the time the band came on, and I was feeling it. I mean really feeling it as I danced to the music, letting myself get lost in the beat.
The band rocked. The lead singer was a thirty something blond with piercing blue eyes and a deep voice that gripped the music like he was part of it. We danced, drank, and laughed until my sides were hurting.
The band finished, and we were on our last drink as Matt had cut us off—to which we all laughed hysterically. He rolled his eyes and walked off giving Brett the cut sign over the throat. Brett and I met eyes then we both laughed. I nearly toppled off my chair and suspected I would’ve if it hadn’t been for the hand grabbing my arm and holding me upright.
I glanced up. “Hey, thanks.” Then I smiled when I recognized him. “Oh, you’re the singer.” Shit, I was slurring, and he had two noses.
He chuckled. “Yeah, Princess.” He nodded to Kat, Georgie, and Raven. I noticed the other three band members had already sat at the table. Raven was looking uneasy as one of the guys, I think the lead guitarist, started quietly talking to her.
Lead singer guy pulled up a chair beside me and sat on it backward, leaning his crossed arms on the back of it. “That last song was for you ...”
I held out my hand. “Emily.”
He took my hand and kissed the back of it then smiled. My blurred vision took in the dimples on his cheeks. “Ethan.”
“Yep, I know you.” I found myself leaning too far forward in my seat. I remembered his face; Kat showed me his picture in the Toronto Now magazine a few months ago.
“Not yet, but you will.” He took my hands, and his thumb stroked back and forth across the backs of them. “No boyfriend tonight?”
Nope. No Logan. He was extinguished from my mind. Numerous cosmos could do that to a girl. “Nope.”
“Good to hear, Emily. You want to give me your number?”
Number? That was fast. “Um, well ...”
“It’s just a number, Princess. Been watching you all night and know I’d like to talk to you some more, but looks like Matt is shutting down soon, so your number would be nice.”
“What the hell ... Why not?” After all, I’d given it to Logan. Who cares if this guy had it too? I was on a roll. Didn’t seem to matter much tonight. Actually nothing mattered except finishing off my drink. I gulped back more of it before reaching into my purse and pulling out my phone. I typed in the password, well it took me three tries, then passed it to Ethan. “Might as well give me yours so I know who’s calling when you call.”
“Hey, you know you have twenty missed calls? Popular girl.” He was typing in both our phones then passed mine back.
Twenty missed calls? I squinted as I glanced at the number. Logan. Shit. My phone lit up again, and his number flashed. F*ck. I quickly clicked it to silent and put it in my purse.
Ethan’s brows rose. “Not into talking, I take it.”
“Nope. Not ... to him.” I leaned closer and bit my lower lip. I felt daring, bolder now. I was pissed, both in the angered way and in the drunk way. What is he doing calling twenty times? I’d normally be in bed sleeping by now. Why the hell was he calling so late? Why hadn’t he called me earlier?
Kat pushed back her chair and came to her feet, swaying a little. She had her phone to her ear and was yelling at someone. When her eyes darted to me I knew who it was.
“God, Sculpt, she’s fine. What’s the big deal? And if she doesn’t answer her phone, she doesn’t have to. How the hell did you get my number anyway?” Silence. “F*ckin’ Ream.” Kat shook her head, pulled the phone away from her ear, and pressed End. “You get that, Emily?”
I nodded.
Kat glanced at Ethan then back to me. “Think we should go. Washroom first.” Kat snagged Georgie’s hand. None of them ever went to the washroom alone—ever.
“What was that about?” Ethan shifted his chair closer. He reached forward and ran his finger across my chin. A soft, feathery touch that should’ve sent goose bumps waltzing across my skin ... instead, the caress sent nothing.
Ethan was rock star hot—tattoos, lean, tall, sexy as hell on stage with his raspy voice and sweet roll of his hips. Exactly what I promised to stay away from, and yet, tonight I felt like taking chances. I needed to prove to myself that I had control.
I leaned closer into his touch as did he. His finger stopped caressing my chin, and he cupped the nape of my neck, pulling me closer. We were a breath away and I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to erase the stamp of Logan.
“You’re sweet, Emily. Real sweet, I’m guessing. And I’d like you to come back to my place tonight.” Ethan’s hand tightened, and I suddenly felt a tremor run through me, and it wasn’t a good tremor.
“Emily.”
I jolted back as Matt came up beside me holding his phone. “It’s Sculpt.” Then he turned to Ethan. “Hands off, Ethan.”
Tonight was Forget Logan night, and I was doing a fine good job of it. Cosmos and Ethan.
“He’s worried about you. I told him you’re good, but he wants to hear your voice. What do you want me to tell him?”
“Give me the phone.” Logan had no right calling Kat and now Matt trying to get to me. God, what was his problem? Why was he being like this?
“I don’t think—”
“Matt. It’s fine.”
Matt placed the phone in my hand, but kept hold. “You sure?”
“Let go, Matt.” He hesitated a few seconds then released his phone.
Ethan still held me, his hand having slid down to my waist.
“You want this gig, take your hands off before I make you,” Matt said, glaring at Ethan. “She’s drunk, man.”
I put the phone to my ear as Ethan put both hands up and sat back.
“Stop calling.” It was said in a mumbled slur.
“You’re drunk.”
This is why I knew I shouldn’t talk to him. It was like his voice curled me into him—tight. All this work trying to drink him out of my mind and he plowed back full force with a few words.
“Emily. It’s two in the morning.”
“I’m ... stamping you ... out.”
“Excuse me?”
“The stamp. I have to get rid of it.” I knew my words were mumbled with the cosmos at full effect.
“Is Kat with you?”
I looked around. “Nope. Just Ethan.”
Silence.
“Ethan? From Strikeback?”
I turned to Ethan. “You from Shrrikeback?” My words came out very slurred, but it sounded like he understood me.
“Yeah, Princess. My band.” He smiled and winked.
“He says yep.”
“Did I just here him call you Princess?”
Ummm.
“Give him the phone. Now.” Oh, he sounded angry. What I needed was another drink. I passed Ethan Matt’s phone. “He wants to talk to you.” I stood then stumbled to where Brett was cleaning off the bar. It took me three tries to get onto the bar stool.
Brett nodded toward Ethan chuckling. “I can hear Sculpt shouting from here. He just told Ethan he’s going to kick his ass when he gets back.”
“Oh God, no. He ... he can’t do that.” I didn’t want Logan fighting anyone. I knew he hated it and ... Logan had gone to Mexico to fight for his father—to save me.
I nearly fell onto my ass when I went scrambling back to Ethan and grabbed the phone from him. Logan was still shouting something about his woman.
“Logan. Logan ... Stop yelling.”
He went quiet then, “Eme.” He sighed. “I’m glad you’re out with your girls. But ... you need to go home. I need you to be safe, baby.” I heard him swear as something crashed. Someone yelled in the background, maybe Ream or Crisis.
“Logan?”
“If anything happened to you ... I just—damn it, I need you to be safe.”
God, he sounded so worried. I didn’t understand what the big deal was and right now my head was pounding and I couldn’t think straight.
I sank into the chair, my head in my hands. “I can’t erase you. I tried, but I can’t.”
“You can’t erase what’s engraved.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled.
“Give the phone to Matt, baby.”
“Okay.” I passed it to Matt, and he kissed my brow before striding away, phone to his ear.
Kat was walking toward me, her brows raised at something over my left shoulder. She looked surprised and a little worried. I spun around, well I stumbled around, and had to grab the chair for balance.
“Oh look, trouble just walked in and is sucking the fun right out from between my legs,” Georgie said as she followed Kat’s gaze.
Kat looked at me then back at Deck. “You think he’ll have a cosmo with us?”
Georgie picked up the remainder of her cocktail and chugged back half of it. “Can you really see Deck sipping on a cosmo? Besides, you see that wrinkle between his brows? Yep ... right pissed, like turnip-up-the-butt kind of mad.”
I was either too drunk or too emotional after Logan’s words to say anything. I slipped down into the chair closest to me, my ass cheek half off cause I kind of missed. Deck was making his way toward us, and his scowl was the kind that would have most running. I’d have hid under the table if I thought it would do any good.
Not sure why Deck’s eyes were on me, as if I’d just brought hell down on him. I picked up my cosmo and slurped the last of it, making a loud sucking noise. Matt suddenly was at my side, and he snatched the drink from my hand and slammed it down none to gently on the other side of the table.
“I’m not happy,” Deck said. Was Deck ever happy? I mean, really, he rarely spoke, and when he did it was serious.
“I am. Fantastic night,” Georgie said smirking. “Cosmo, Deck? Might make you smile.”
His eyes darted to Georgie, and she cocked her hip and held up her nearly empty drink. He grabbed it, chugged the contents back then tossed it on the table. “You see me smiling, Georgie?”
“Nope,” Kat said and laughed.
Deck wasn’t laughing. He was pissed. I was thinking either Logan called him, or Matt. Not sure why; I mean, we were out having fun and were a little drunk, but girls did that, and it was fun, and we were allowed to have fun.
“You get why I’m here?”
Georgie, Kat and I looked at one another and giggled while we shook our heads. Georgie was the only one smashed or stupid or brave enough to answer.
“You’re hoping I’m drunk enough to take me home and f*ck me all night long in every orifice possible?” Georgie said.
“Jesus, Georgie.” Matt groaned.
Deck’s brow lowered, and his hands clenched. “I’m not doing this shit every f*ckin’ night, Georgie. You need to get your crap together.”
What was he talking about?
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Seems like you do. And dragging Raven out with you? What the f*ck were you thinking?”
“She asked to come,” Georgie objected.
Deck scowled. “Yeah right. Get in the car. All of you,” Deck ordered, and even though I could see Georgie wanting to protest, she didn’t.
I knew she was going out a lot, but the conversation sounded like she was “going out” a little too often, and Deck didn’t like it.
Georgie walked over to Raven who was still sitting with the guitarist from Strikeback and put out her hand. Raven ignored her hand, but rose and followed behind her as Georgie waved to Matt and the band as if she hadn’t just been given shit by Deck.
I started walking to the door when Deck fell in beside me. He gave a chin-lift to Matt who was on the phone, my guess with Logan.
“You’re drunk, and you may not remember what I’m telling you, beautiful, but you need to hear it anyway.” Deck pulled me to a halt before we reached the car. “He should’ve f*ckin’ told you the other day what went down after you left that shit hole. He didn’t—his choice. Not mine.” Deck grabbed my arm to steady me as I swayed. “It was bad, Emily. Real bad. He gained my respect for life for what he did for you, walking back into that hellhole ... Hard to get my respect, easy to lose it.”
Deck respected Logan.
“This isn’t him asking me to look out for you. This is me looking out for you, because I care about you and so does Logan. He’s worried about you and he has every right to be.” What did that mean? Deck swore beneath his breath. “Emily ...” He stopped at the car where Georgie, Kat and Raven were already piled in the backseat. I thought he was going to say something else, but instead he helped me into the car then shut the door. I was left wondering what the hell he was talking about. What did he mean really bad? I had this sudden need to talk to Logan, hear his voice and make certain he was alright. I clutched my purse to my chest to keep from taking out my phone.
Then Deck took us to the condo where I proceeded to throw up in the toilet then pass out on the floor.