She shook her head. No. He’d be gone as soon as the next mission came his way—then everything would go back to normal. He’d get caught back up in saving people, and by the time he came back, he’d have forgotten about changing what was between them into something that couldn’t last.
Damn him. Damn him for making her care about him. Damn him for opening her up to the kind of loss she couldn’t face. She’d seen how love—and loss—had destroyed her mother. She wouldn’t let it destroy her, too. She knew better.
This had to stop. She was already getting too attached to Gage. Usually, he’d be gone by now and she’d never have the chance to think these things, to feel for him. Except he’d been here for a few days, and already her heart was opening to him in ways it never should.
She should cut this off now. Tell him to leave her alone, at least for now. Maybe forever.
The front door opened, and Gage walked in carrying a paper bag. He headed her way, set it on the bed, and quickly kissed her lips. She glared at him.
“Well good morning to you too,” he said.
“I need to go.” She started to roll off the bed, but he stopped her.
“I got you a sandwich.” He unwrapped the food from the bag and handed it to her.
She lifted a slice of bread and examined the ingredients. “No bell peppers or mustard?”
“No. I thought you hated those.”
“I do,” she whispered. He knew her so well—down to how she liked her sandwiches…
He knew her.
She shook her head. “I really should go.”
“I didn’t poison your food,” he said sarcastically.
She got up and tugged on her dress, which had dried mud on it, but she didn’t care. Her place was only a few blocks away, and if walking down Main Street looking like a slob was what she had to do to get out of there, she would. Because the world was crashing around her and she was losing hold on her safe indifference.
“Tell me what’s going on,” he said.
She tugged on her shoes.
“Chloe,” he snapped. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
She looked at the ground and shook her head. “I like you so much.” She dared a glance at him.
He smiled. “That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.”
“That’s just it,” she said. “I don’t want to like you!”
He staggered back like she’d punched him in the stomach. “Why?”
She felt horrible, but the words were out there, and she couldn’t deny them. She tossed her hands in the air. “Because I know myself.” And the emotions running within her. Whenever she wanted something, she clung to it. Hard. With teeth and nails—with her entire being. And she’d learned the hard way even with your tightest hold, what you wanted could still be ripped away.
Worse, it could choose to walk away.
She wouldn’t go through that. Love stories were a cliché no one could live up to. Better to never love at all than suffer this kind of pain. Even thinking about Gage dying in the field or one day walking away from her—the very thought made her shrivel up inside. If it actually happened, she’d die inside.
But she couldn’t come out and say, “The reason I can’t be with you is because I want to be with you.” It’d never make sense, but it was how she worked. She clung too tightly to what she loved, which was why she couldn’t let herself love anything.
No matter how hard she’d tried to be different, it was the truth. Her mother had clung to the stupid notion that her father loved them and would come back someday. She’d clung to fantasies that didn’t exist. And now Chloe was on the brink of doing the same to Gage.
And she couldn’t do it. Her heart couldn’t handle it, and it wasn’t fair to him. Even if she dared to believe that he was serious about wanting something more permanent with her, he could still die in the field. She could still lose him regardless of how he felt about her.
What was the other option? Ask him to stop helping people? Ask him to stop rescuing someone in need?
Telling him to stay would go against what he loved to do. She’d never put him in a position to pick her over his job.
“We both knew this was never going to last,” she said. It was more a statement for herself than for him, but Gage just sat there, next to the perfect sandwich he’d gotten for her. “Let’s just enjoy this for what it is.”
He nodded once, his face like stone.
Her eyes stung. The words hurt her as much as she knew they hurt him. But she turned and walked out before she could take them back.
“What do you think it means?” Chloe asked, eyeing the vase of flowers that’d been delivered a few minutes ago.
Natalie came up to the bar and placed a cupcake in front of Chloe. Chocolate on chocolate, her favorite. “Usually, people smile when they look at a big vase of flowers, not glare at it trying to mentally make it burst into flames.”
Chloe huffed. “I don’t trust it.” She hadn’t seen Gage since she’d walked out on him the other day, and now there were flowers. What the hell was she supposed to think?
“Did you at least read the card?”
“As a matter of fact, I was just about to.”
She swallowed, picked the little card out of the flowers, and read:
I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been busy with training.
But I’ve been thinking of you and will see you soon.