“I’ll have more than that for you.”
She turned around and smiled at me just before she hit the doorframe, and all I could do is bask in that smile like it was the warmest, brightest ray of sunlight I’d ever seen. I would go blind before I stopped staring at her.
“Tonight,” she said. “We’ll have tonight.”
I wish I had made her stay. I wish I would’ve told her that I needed to talk to her, that it couldn’t wait another minute, that there was something she needed to know about me before we went any further. But I just stood there, dumbfounded, staring at that trail of fire until she disappeared into the main house.
Even with the lack of sleep, I can’t wait to get to class this morning. I shower, shave and throw on my clothes with more zeal than I’ve ever had. I don’t even bother to do my daily ritual of checking Google alerts, Page Six or all the other gossip rags. None of that matters anymore. Not when the memory of Ally’s body under mine, trembling with the aftershocks of orgasm while mewling my name, is permanently burned into my skull.
I’ve barely stepped inside, when Riku approaches me, trailed by my head of concierge, Diane, and a few members of my staff.
“Dude…are you ok?” he asks, concern engraved in his face. He squints his slanted eyes, making them look black under his dark brows.
“Yeah,” I frown, taking in everyone’s anxious stares. “What’s going on?”
“Haven’t you checked the news? I’ve been texting you.”
I fish my cell out of my pocket and press the Home button. Completely black. I must’ve forgotten to charge it after Ally and I took naked selfies yesterday. Shit, that’s not like me.
“Phone’s dead. Why? What’s up?”
Riku looks around, stalling nervously, as a few of the housewives trickle into the great room for this morning’s lesson. My gaze goes straight over his shoulder, past everything and everyone else, in anticipation of seeing Ally.
“You should really check the news, J.D.,” he says gravely. “Heidi is on her way down.”
“Heidi?” That gets my attention. I’ve worked with her for years, yet have only actually seen her less than a handful of times. This obviously isn’t a social visit.
“Yeah. Flight got in early this morning. She’ll be here any-”
“She’s already here,” a voice says from behind me. Heidi DuCane, the HBIC of the PR world, and renowned pit bull in a skirt. Heidi is probably the only person on earth that can make me shiver at her cold demeanor. The ice queen’s penchant for perfection and results is what has made her the most sought after—and highest paid—publicist in the business. And her sharp, Nordic features and statuesque frame have definitely made her the hottest.
I take in the tall, leggy blonde holding a sleek briefcase at her side, and nod at her approach. Heidi’s flawless face is screwed into a scowl that would make even the toughest alpha male wilt on sight. Riku shrinks back into the kitchen before she stops in front of me.
“Charge your f*cking phone, Drake,” she says without preamble. Then she turns to make her way across the courtyard towards my house.
I look back at Diane, feeling a few inches shorter. “Dismiss the ladies. Tell them to review in their suites, then they’re free to enjoy the day.”
When I look up, she’s there, stealing the breath from my lungs and replacing it with what feels like helium. I feel like I’m floating when she’s around, so high that I can kiss the sun. She looks back at me, frozen in place, those cherry lips slightly parted as if she’s just gasped or moaned. It takes everything in me not to stride over to her and find out for myself.
“Standby. I’ll be in touch,” I mutter to Diane without looking at her. Then I turn away and step back into my cold, dark reality.
“THIS IS F*ckED, Drake. Seriously. How could you let this happen?”
Heidi paces the floor of my living room in 6-inch Louboutins, a smartphone in each of her hands. She brings one up to her ear and barks out an order, but I don’t hear it. My eyes and ears don’t move past the scenes playing out on the television screen. Variations of the same headline play over and over again as people try to speculate and dissect the bit of information they’ve been given on a silver platter.
Breaking News: Sex Doctor to the Stars Revealed!
Male Sexpert Transforms Socialites into Sexpots
$250k to sleep with your wife? You won’t believe who his celeb clients are!
A real life Dr. Feel Good? His patients unmasked.
Who is Justice Drake? Celebrity Consultant or Sexual Predator?
Who is Justice Drake?
Who is Justice Drake?
Even I can’t answer that.
“Justice. Justice!” I turn towards the sound of Heidi’s aggravated voice, but I don’t look at her. “Did you hear what I just said?”
“They don’t have anything. Just a name. All they have is a name,” I answer almost robotically, ignoring her question.
“Yeah, but who knows who leaked that? And it’s only a matter of time before they have more.”
I turn back to the TV just as the scene changes, displaying a new headline. “A Search for Justice.” Clever.
“Justice… I’ve got my hands full dealing with irate clients. You promised them full discretion, and now they’re scared this will get out.” She walks over to me and places a slender hand on my wrist. It’s the first time Heidi has ever touched me. Her skin is softer than I imagined, more delicate. Even with the hard exterior, Heidi is a woman through and through. I briefly wonder about her love life. Is she married? Dating? Gay or straight? Is someone making her toes curl regularly?
“Hey,” she coos with a pained smile. “You have to make a decision here. The curtain is closing. Time to send them home.”
“No.” I’m on my feet, fists balled at my sides.
“No? Justice, did you hear what I just said? We breached contract. You will lose everything if you don’t fix this shit right now. Send the women home, refund their money, and disappear before someone reveals your identity.”
“I don’t give a f*ck. I can’t let her… I’m not ready to. I can’t send them back yet. I’m not done.”
“Jesus Christ! Listen to yourself!” she says throwing her hands up in exasperation. “I can’t represent you if you don’t listen to me. We still have time to fix this if we act now. It’s not like you’re actually f*cking any of these women.”
My eyes pierce hers reflexively, wide with guilt. Or fear. Or maybe a mixture of both. She reads my expression like the back of a cereal box.
“Holy f*ck, you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t, Justice. Tell me right this f*cking minute!”
“Heidi, it’s not like that…” I croak. But it doesn’t sound convincing even to my ears. Apparently, Heidi doesn’t buy it either.
“I can’t believe you. I knew it. I knew it. Since the last time we spoke. I just didn’t want to believe that you would ever be so careless. You of all people, with your rules and control or anonymity. You would never do something so stupid.”
“I can fix this.”
“You can’t do shit. Who is she, Justice? Which one is it? Maybe there’s still a way to salvage this mess. If I know who she is, we know how much to offer for her silence.”
I stay quiet. Partly because I won’t betray Ally like that, and partly because I’m too much of a coward to tell her that I don’t want to fix this. Now that the secret is out, I can breathe. I don’t have to hide who I am anymore. I don’t have to hide how I feel.
“Name, Justice. Now.”
I look up at Heidi, feeling like this is the beginning of the end. As much as I try to fight it, I know it’s over. I know that the sun has set on Ally and me.
“We can’t pay her off. She’s not for sale.”
Heidi raises a meticulously arched brow. “Everyone is for sale, Justice. You should know that better than anyone.”
“Well, she’s not. Not Ally.”
“Ally? As in Allison Elliot-Carr? The Allison Elliot-Carr? For f*ck’s sake, Justice, why did you have to diddle the richest bitch here? You’re right; there’s nothing you can offer her that she doesn’t already have probably stashed in her coin purse.”
“Like I said, it’s not like that. She wouldn’t take it anyway.”
“And how would you know? Are you two supposed to be in love or something? Do you think, even for one second, that she would leave her life of excess and luxury for one with you? She has Evan, Mr. Sexiest Man Alive according to People magazine. Even Oprah would hit that. No offense, Justice, but what would she want with you?”
I don’t answer, because I don’t have one. Heidi is right. Compared to Evan, I’m a pauper on paper. And that’s never really bothered me…until now.
The television screen flashes with the words “Breaking News” scrolling at the bottom. Heidi turns up the volume just as Giuliana Rancic begins her diatribe.
“The media is buzzing after it has been revealed that an unidentified man, known as Justice Drake, is actually the sex therapist to the starlets. And apparently, he has some high profile clients. It’s been confirmed that earlier reports placing Allison Elliot-Carr, wife of Evan Carr, at an exclusive spa were indeed false, and that she has been at an undisclosed location with this celeb sexpert. When we reached out to the Carr camp for questioning, they replied, “No Comment.” The question now is, did Evan Carr actually hire a man to sleep with his wife in order to make her a better lover? Stay tuned for more on this story…”
I switch off the TV. I don’t need to hear anymore.
“You see?” Heidi says, gesturing towards the blank screen. “Bits and pieces are falling into place. And now they have the Carrs involved? This is bad, Justice. Even you have to admit that.”
“I know.” My head is in my hands, rubbing my temples.
“Let them go. You can start over somewhere else, get a new alias, new staff. It’s best to get out now before you’re forced to.”
I look at Heidi, but all I can see is Ally. All I can see are those sad eyes smiling at me for the last time. She’d go to her corner of the world, and I’d stay safely tucked away in mine.
“I can’t,” I whisper, and I know in that moment, that I will. I can’t keep her. The mirage is just that—something so beautiful and desired, it can’t possibly be real.
Light knocking at the door lifts my heavy head and has me sprinting for the door. I open it without checking who’s there.
“Ally.” It’s like I’ve just breathed after being underwater for hours.
“I’m sorry to interrupt...” She peers around my frame, and when her eyes grow wide, I know what she sees: A tall, leggy blonde with a killer body, heels and a pencil skirt that looks like it was painted on. “Um, uh, I can come back.”
I grab her arm before she can even escape me an inch. “No. Stay.” Stay. If she only she could feel the weight of that tiny, miniscule word. “Heidi was just leaving.”
“You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me,” the sex-on-legs publicist mumbles behind me. She makes her way to the door, stopping to press her red, glossed lips to my cheek. “You’ve got 24 hours, Drake. Make a decision,” she whispers before turning her icy grey gaze on Ally with a tip of her head. “Mrs. Carr.”
We watch as Heidi struts away, hips swaying to the rhythm of her spiked heels. When Ally turns back to me, she looks pensive.
“What?” I ask her, pulling her into my home and into my arms.
“She’s…”
“Tall? Cold? A little scary?”
“Gorgeous. And yes, a little scary. She’s like the female version of you.”
I shake my head. “You think I’m scary?”
“You were.” She wipes the glossy imprint of Heidi’s lips from my cheek and replaces it with her own. “But I believe in facing your fears. Now you’re about as frightening as a kitten. Who was that, anyway?”
“Publicist.”
“Everything ok?” she frowns with concern.
“Of course. Just some paperwork that needed to be signed in person,” I lie seamlessly.
“Oh, I hope I didn’t interrupt.” She looks back at the door and frowns. “She doesn’t suspect anything with us, does she?”
“Would it bother you if she did?”
Ally shrugs and turns back to me, her gaze unfocused. “I don’t know. I mean, I know, but I’m not really sure how I feel about it.”
“You don’t know how you feel about us.” It’s not a question.
Her eyes touch mine, searching. “No. Yes. I do—of course I do—but I feel like it’s wrong to feel this way. Like I’m a horrible, disgusting person to harbor these feelings because of my situation. And if I acknowledge them, they’ll take over. They’ll consume me. You’ll consume me.”
I step in as close as humanly possible. Close enough to feel her heartbeat stutter against my ribcage. “I want to consume you, Ally. I want to devour every bit of you until there’s no you and there’s no me. Until we’re nothing but sensation and exhaustion. Until you see music and hear colors.” My lips are just a breath away from hers, longing for a taste. “You don’t have to define your feelings for me, Ally. Let me do it for you.”
She opens her mouth to speak, but I smother her words in a searing kiss. Her response isn’t necessary. What we have, what I feel for her, goes far beyond rational explanation. When I pull away, there are sad stars in her eyes.
“Why did that feel like a kiss goodbye?”
I kiss her again just to keep my mouth from admitting that it was. The beginning of the end. The very start of the saddest goodbye in history. Because after tonight, she’ll walk away from me and go back to him, holding a piece of me in the palm of her hand. And whenever I look up at the sky at night, wondering where she is, if she’s happy, if Evan laughs at her corny jokes or smiles whenever she does, that empty space left behind within me will ache with remembrance. Because her light once filled it. She filled me in a way that nobody on this Earth could. And I’ll never feel whole again.
We don’t speak as I lead her into the bedroom. Our eyes stay transfixed on each other as we slowly undress. When I touch her, she shivers, yet her skin is burning under my fingertips. I wrap her in my arms, wishing I could cover her in a way that would make her disappear in me. They can’t take away what they can’t find.
“You’re so small,” I whisper in her hair.
“You’re just so big. But I like it.”
I hold her until the pain of my erection becomes too great to ignore any longer. She slips a hand between us and squeezes it, hearing my thoughts and making me groan without a shred of dignity.
“So big,” she repeats with a satisfied grin. “But I like it.”
“It likes you too.”
Then there are no more words, all signs of jest erased as I lay her down and cover her body with mine. I kiss her mouth, her neck, each of her pert breasts, the dip of her navel. When my tongue finds the apex of her thighs, she opens for me automatically. I drag a thumb through her folds before pressing her *. She shudders, and I repeat the motion, slowly trailing my thumb down through her pink flesh, tracing her sex with precision before bringing it back up to apply pressure on her sensitive bud. By the time I give her my tongue, she nearly breaks apart.
“What are you doing to me?” she pants, teetering on the edge of orgasm.
“Exactly what I taught you,” I reply. Then I send her flying into oblivion, giving her my mouth and fingers. Sucking her until her release trickles down my chin. Until she pulls me up by my shoulders, begging me to stop.
“Oh God,” she sobs. “I can’t take anymore. Too much.”
I kiss her so she can taste herself, my tongue snaking with hers as we share her arousal. I’m perfectly aligned with her entrance, still slick and hot, so I slowly push until the head of my cock is nestled inside her. Ally gasps at the intrusion, and I trace her lips with my fingers before hooking two inside her mouth. I delve in some more and watch the emotions play out on her face, all varying shades of carnal insanity. When I’m completely submersed to the hilt, I pull out so suddenly that she whimpers, and I flip her onto her stomach.
“Up you go,” I say, elevating her ass and hips, and bending her legs in a way that causes the soles of her feet to touch. I admire the way her sex contracts, begging for me to fill her once more.
One hand on her hip, the other on her shoulder, I enter her from behind, slowly at first. I’m so deep at this angle, that I can feel her heartbeat in her stomach. The sheets rumple under her tight grip, and Ally grits out a curse.
“Is this ok?” I ask. I don’t even know why I’m asking. I’ve never asked for anything I’ve wanted, and I damn sure didn’t care enough to do it during sex.
Ally nods into the pillow, eyes closed tight. “Yes. Better than ok.”
I pull out to the tip and plunge back in, pulling her back into me by her shoulder. We both moan in unison, and her knees tremble.
“Good?” I don’t know why I’m asking again. I know it’s good. I can feel it’s good to her.
“Yeah,” she rasps between whimpers.
All restraint is diminished, and I let go, thrusting into her with ravenous intensity. I lean forward and kiss her back, smothering my groans of pleasure in her skin and hair. She turns her head, and my lips instantly find hers.
If this was a different time, and I was a different man deep inside of a different woman, I’d look into her eyes as my body dipped and rolled into hers. She’d stare at me lovingly and caress my jaw, a look of pure ecstasy on her face. I’d sweep her hair to one side over her shoulder and drag my tongue across her neck to her ear. And when her back begins to arch, as the first tingles of orgasm seize her body, I would whisper “I love you,” because I’d want those words to be the only thing she hears when she comes for me. Only for me.
Regardless of my feelings for Ally—and there are feelings—I’m not that man and she’s not that woman. And all the time we have is right now. Uttering those words would only spark confusion and conflict for both of us. So I swallow both our moans of surrender as I give her the parts of me that I can give. The parts of me that quiver and pulse until pain and pleasure become one and the same. Until heat and cold race up my spine, and my joints are too flooded with sensation to move, and I release it all into her—the fear, the anger, the bliss of just having her in my arms—it’s all hers.
I’m hers.
SOMETHING STIRS ME from sleep, but I try to fight it. I don’t want to move, I don’t even want to breathe. But it sounds again from the living room, and I know I have to leave this bed and the warmth of Ally’s body.
F*ck. My phone.
Dim light filters through the blinds, and I realize that we’ve sexed and slept the day away. There was talking, some eating, even some hydrating, but mostly our time was spent kissing, touching and pushing our bodies beyond pleasure.
As gently as I possibly can, I unravel my arm from under Ally’s frame. She stirs, murmuring something unintelligible before resuming a soft snore. I shake my head and laugh silently to myself as I make my way to the living room. Before Ally, every woman I had ever been with, looked like supermodels even in slumber. Hair and makeup somehow stayed meticulously in place. Part of me didn’t even believe they ever truly slept, just fluttered those long-lashed eyes closed and posed like wax statues on the bed. But with Ally, everything is different, more real. Her red hair is in knots all over both our faces. She snores a bit, not loudly, but loud enough that I know she’s asleep. And a little drop of drool settles in the corner of her mouth.
Maybe all women really sleep this way. I don’t know. I’ve never stuck around long enough to find out.
I follow the chimes resonating from my phone, and find it on the coffee table. Missed calls and text messages from Heidi. One from Diane, checking in. Another from Riku asking me if everything is ok. I ignore them all and zero in on the half-dozen Google alerts clogging my screen.
Breaking News…
This Just In…
Shocking Truth Revealed…
Same bullshit, different headline. But all I can see is a face, a name. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, crying false tears of remorse and longing.
Evan Carr’s shocking revelation: I sent my wife to the sex doctor
In a press release earlier today, Evan Carr revealed that he regrettably sent wife, Allison Elliot-Carr to celebrity sex therapist, Justice Drake, under the pretense that Drake was an intimacy professional, NOT a sexual deviant.
“When we first were told about Mr. Drake and his practice, we thought it would help Allison build her confidence and become in touch with her sexuality,” said the socialite. “We signed up with the assumption that it would be positive for our marriage. Little did we know what Justice Drake was really about. I would have never put my wife in this situation had I known.”
A tearful Carr goes on to say that he is doing everything in his power to locate his wife and bring her back. “Her place is with me,” he says. “Not with some hack that sold us a lie. I can’t even imagine what he could be doing to Ally and God knows who else.”
Evan Carr provided details of the enrollment forms, saying that the women would be sent to an undisclosed location where they could have no contact with the outside world for six weeks. When asked about Justice Drake’s identity, Carr shook his head.
“No one has ever seen him. I can’t even be sure that he’s a man. All contact has been through his PR or email.”
Drake’s publicist, Heidi DuCane, was unavailable for comment.
I dial the illusive blonde next, my heartbeat pounding painfully in my head.
“You’re lucky I have shit to do,” Heidi says after picking up on the first ring. “I wanted to storm your little love nest and drag your ass out of there.”
“Where are you?” My voice is gruff with sleep and aggravation.
“Headed back to New York, but had to make a stop first.” She pauses to give the driver instructions to a hotel on Michigan Ave. “Something came up and I want to check it out.”
“You’re in Chicago?”
“Yeah. Art is meeting me here.”
I exhale heavily and lean back on the couch. Arthur Cambridge, III is my attorney. If he’s involved, something is up. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re being blackmailed, Justice. A few hours ago, I was sent an audio recording of you having sex. I don’t know who it was with, but the woman was very vocal. She kept calling you by your name. Know anything about that?”
I close my eyes and rub the tension collecting in my temples. “No. How do you know it’s not doctored?”
“We checked it out. It’s authentic. However, my team was able to trace the IP address back to Chicago.”
I almost smirk. “You have a team of hackers, Heidi?”
“Doesn’t everybody? And even if it is from years ago, we can’t take that risk. Not with the press calling for your head on a platter. I’m texting it to you now. Listen. Call me when you’re done.”
A message chimes a second later and I hang up with Heidi to open the attachment. Heavy breathing. Moaning. A sweet voice singing my name as I instruct her to f*ck, then suck me.
I don’t need to hear anymore. I was there. Just yesterday, I was there.
I call Heidi back, and she answers immediately. “I have a pretty good idea who’s behind this, and I’m sure you do too.”
Erin.
Stupid f*cking Erin.
I think back to when I took Ally right here on this very couch. I remember telling her to take off her shirt and then capturing her flawed beauty through the lens of my camera phone. Then my mouth was devouring her pink-tipped nipples and demanding she take off those ridiculously oversized boxers. And then I was deep inside her, losing myself to pleasure, my phone forgotten.
How the f*ck did Erin get a recording of that? Hers was the last number I dialed, but the screen was locked. Had she called? Did we accidently graze that evil, little green icon, while Ally rode me like a cowgirl?
“We’re going to bury her,” Heidi continues. “Her grandchildren will be paying you their lunch money.”
I shake my head in frustration. “How much is she asking?”
Heidi makes a tsking sound. “Two million, which technically won’t kill you but still…”
“Give it to her.”
“What?”
“Tell Art to give it to her. Give her the money.”
Heidi’s voice goes a pitch higher than I’ve ever heard it. “You can’t be serious! That bitch is in direct violation of contract, and you want to reward her? She has nothing, Justice. There’s no way she can prove it was you-”
“It doesn’t matter, Heidi. None of it matters. Retrieve the evidence, give her the money, and do what you need to do to ensure she disappears.”
The line goes quiet for several beats before Heidi chuckles. “You’ve gone completely mad, haven’t you?”
I chuckle too. I don’t know why. My business is crumbling at my feet, I’m being blackmailed by a girl who didn’t have two nickels to rub together before she met me, and I’m having an affair with a married woman that I can’t shake. I am mad. Mad, yet I’ve never felt more normal. More tied to the life I left behind—Ally’s life.
I hear light shuffling behind me, and I look up in time to see Ally leaning against the doorjamb, wearing one of my sweatshirts, sleep and sex sparkling in her eyes. She smiles at me, and a feeling too strong to fully contain bursts in my chest before sinking into the pit of my stomach.
“Take care of that for me, Heidi. And what we talked about earlier… I’ll do it. I’ll send them.”
Her voice takes on that soft, feminine sound again. Like she pities me. Like she cares for me. “Got it. This’ll be good, Justice, and everything will be ok. You can start over, rebuild. You can be whoever you want after this.”
I don’t have a response, at least one that I can voice, so I just hang up. Heidi is used to my terseness. I’m like that with everyone. Everyone except Ally.
As if she can hear her name ringing melodically in my head, she slinks over to the couch just as I set my phone on the end table. I grab her by the waist and pull her onto my lap as she squeals. I bury my face in her hair, trying to soak in as much of her scent as I can, while I can. I can smell myself on her, mixed with her perfume and sweat.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I say against the smooth skin behind her ear. “I was just about to come back to bed.”
“I’m tired of sleeping,” she sighs.
I look at her, my brow raised sardonically. “You’re tired of sleeping?”
She pinches me on the arm. “Oh, you know what I mean.”
I snatch her hand and kiss her palm. Then we’re quiet, as we watch shadows grow before our eyes, dusk fading into night.
“Can I ask you a question?” Ally asks, her voice small in the vast silence.
“Don’t you always?”
She pinches me again. “Knock it off! Can you be serious for five minutes?”
I give her a level stare. “You’re asking me to be serious?”
“Ugh!” She tries to shimmy out of my arms, but I wound them around her tighter.
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry. Ask me anything. Seriously this time.”
Ally nods toward shadowed, white walls. “You don’t have any pictures up.”
“That’s not a question.”
“Shut up, will you, and let me finish.” She smiles and shakes her head, before laying it on my shoulder. “You don’t have any photos, and you’ve never really talked about your family. And since you already know all about me and my life, I thought…”
“You want to know about my family.”
“Yes.” She turns toward me, a tearful apology in her eyes. “I want to know you. We only have a little over a week left together. It’s not enough, Justice. I need to soak up as much of you as I can.”
I take a deep breath and position her body so I’m forced to look at her. So I’m forced to see the judgment and regret that will undoubtedly be on her face.
“My story is nothing new; you’ve heard it before. My father never loved my mother. He was charming, rich, powerful, and an impeccable liar. She was gentle and na?ve, thinking that her love for him would change him just enough to make him feel for her. She was too good for him, yet too stupid to see it and leave him alone.”
She gives me a soft smile. “Sounds about right.”
“She didn’t, of course. And soon, he found himself a shiny, new toy to feed his ego. My mother had served her purpose, and so had I. His relationship with me ended with theirs.”
“Where is your mother now?”
“Somewhere grieving her broken heart, probably a dirty martini in hand. She never got over him. When he sent us away, I told myself that it was his loss. But it was ours too. I lost that warm, compassionate woman that was just too optimistic for her own good. The one that’d tell me how I’d grow up one day and be a movie star and marry the most beautiful woman in the world, and give her half a dozen grandchildren. I lost her, and she lost herself. She lost her reason to live.”
Ally cups my cheek and looks at me like she can see right through my impassive exterior. Like she can actually see the broken pieces of me that are glued together by lies and deceit.
I muster a weak smile and remove her hand. “Don’t feel bad for me. I don’t.”
“But it has to be lonely.”
“How can I be lonely?” I smirk. “I’m constantly surrounded by beautiful women and a very efficient, if not overbearing, staff.”
“It’s not the same, Justice. Everybody needs someone.”
“I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. We all do.”
I grasp her tighter, pulling her so close that my lips graze hers. “Then who do you need, Ally?”
Her animated eyes search the parts of me she can see, this close up. She opens her mouth to answer, yet doesn’t say a word. And I realize, I don’t want to hear the answer. I don’t want to hear that she needs anybody else but me. So with my fingers knotted in her matted mess of hair, I kiss her despite my fears. I kiss her so she can taste just how much I want her, how much I need her. Although it’s more than my heart can stand, I kiss that angel as I feel every vital part of me being crumpled into dust.
Every kiss is a goodbye. Especially the ones that kill you.
“OH MY GOD, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t—I can’t, Justice.”
I look up from the Ferragamos I’m slipping on my feet and furrow my brow at the red-haired goddess before me. “Ally, it’s not as bad as you think.”
“How can you be so sure? I’ve never done anything like this. Ever! Oh my God, I feel sick.”
Panic sets in. “Wait…what exactly are you talking about?”
“The walk of shame!” she answers, throwing her hands up. “I knew I should’ve gone back to my room last night. All I need now, is raccoon eyes and bed head. Ugh!”
I stand up to wrap her in my arms and touch my lips to her cute little pout. “First of all, you’re beautiful. And it’s still early; no one will even see you. And, no, you shouldn’t have left. You wanted to stay with me just as badly as I did.”
“You’re right—I did want to stay.” Her expression softens before her forehead falls on my chest. “This is so hard. Why is this so hard?”
I kiss the top of her head. “Because it’s supposed to be. Because things like this are meant to torture us until we bend and break. You just need to figure out if all of this is worth it.”
She looks up at me, and every dark corner in my heart is filled with blinding light. “You know, when this all began, I felt guilty. A part of me still does. And I’m disgusted with myself for feeling downright devastated, because I know that this can’t last.” She closes her eyes and shakes her head from side to side. When she looks back at me, those cerulean irises are drowning in tears. “And I’m trying not to think about it. I’m trying to just enjoy the little time we do have together. But dammit, it hurts, Justice. It hurts because I’m already bending and breaking. And there’s nothing I can do to fix it. If all we have is now, I know I’ll never be whole again. And, God…it’s worth it. You’re worth it. I’ll gladly stay broken for you.”
Every emotion inside me battles its way to the surface, and I open and close my dry mouth, willing them not to spill out. Here we are, two lonely, broken souls lost to our own desires. I was born into the life she lives in, and all I want to do is take her away from it. To steal her from everyone she loves and knows, and covet her smiles and gentle heart. But I can’t say that. I can’t tell her how badly it hurts when I think about her leaving me. I can’t describe how much she’s completely altered the man that I thought I was, and I how broken I already am. How I’m breaking right now.
“I will too.”
Ally smiles. And a lifetime of loneliness and pain disintegrates under its brilliance. So I smile too, because any time with her, whether it’s a day or an hour, is worth it.
“I wish I would’ve known you before…before you left New York. I wish I had met you first. But then again, it wouldn’t even have mattered. I would have found you eventually.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because…because you’re my lobster,” she whispers.
“Huh?” I ask, raising a questioning brow. Did she say… lobster?
She just shakes her head, wearing a tight-lipped grin. I lace my fingers with hers, kissing her knuckles before ushering her out of my home for the very last time. That once cold, sterile place that housed my secrets and solitude. The space she filled with more warmth than the sun.
“Come on. Time for class,” I say as we cross the threshold.
Stay, Ally. Don’t go. Leave him and stay with me.
That’s what I should have said.
“FIRST, I WANT to say how much of a pleasure it has been to have the opportunity to teach you and guide you all toward healthier, more fulfilling sex lives. Not only that, it’s been a pleasure getting to know each and every one of you. You all have been great…always willing to learn and improve, even when you weren’t 100% comfortable or convinced. And I just want to say thank you.”
I take a deep breath to steel my resolve and glance out at the eleven confused faces staring back at me. I am proud of them—all of them. And it truly hurts that I have to utter my next words to protect them. “That’s why I regret to inform you that the course will be ending a bit sooner than expected, and you’ll all be heading home.”
“What?”
“Why?”
“Did something happen?”
“Did we do something wrong?”
The questions hit me all at once, and I make a motion with my open hands to calm them down. “Ladies, I assure you, you’ve done nothing wrong. Just some issues have surfaced that require my immediate attention. Of course, you’ll all be issued a full refund and-”
“Why are you doing this?” The voice is broken, just like me. I can’t even look in her direction.
“Like I was saying, a full refund will be-”
“You can’t do this. You can’t just send me away. You can’t do this, Justice!”
I open my mouth to explain, but Diane rushes in, saving me from another cold, rehearsed line.
“Mr. Drake, we have a situation,” she mutters only for my ears. I give a stiff nod before turning towards the class.
“If you’ll excuse me for just a moment.”
I’m leading her to the back office that mostly houses locked file cabinets of client information and things of that nature. That’s when I hear it. A voice I haven’t heard in over a decade. A voice that shouldn’t be here.
I turn to Diane, whose dark, bronze skin suddenly looks ashen. “I tried to explain,” she shrieks. “Mr. Drake, what’s going on? The staff is worried…”
The voice grows louder, more annoying. It echoes through the foyer and pierces my eardrums with the pain of remembrance. I duck into the sitting area right off the great room, before I can be seen.
“Isolate the situation, Diane.” My voice is calm and level, but truth be told, my entire body is on red alert. “Make sure the ladies don’t know.”
But just as I say the words, I know it’s too late.
It’s too late.
Take a bow; the curtain’s closed. It’s time to go home.
“Ally Cat, come here, baby.”
I look around the corner just in time to see Evan Carr pull Ally—my Ally—into his arms. He touches her wild, red mane like he’s afraid it’ll bite, his brow furrowed at its newly freed state.
“Wow, you look…different.” He assesses her clothing, her sun-kissed skin, her swollen lips, still tingling with the taste of me. Ally returns his stare with bewilderment.
“Evan…Evan, what are you doing here?”
“I missed you. And with the scandal surrounding this Justice Drake guy, I knew I needed to bring you home.”
By now, the other housewives have trickled in, and while Diane tries to usher them back into the great room, her efforts are futile. The damage is already done.
“Scandal? What are you talking about?” Ally frowns. It doesn’t look right on her, and something within me shudders at the sight, longing to trace her lips and ease them into the smile that I know and love.
“The guy’s a hack, Ally. A fraud. He fooled us all just to get in the pants of dozens of innocent, unsuspecting women.” Evan flippantly runs a hand through his tousled, dirty blonde hair as if he isn’t defaming my character and my business.
“You know that’s not true,” Ally replies sternly. She pulls her wrists from his grasp.
Evan moves in close as if he’s about to kiss her, yet stops just a millimeter away from her lips. “Yeah, but we have company. And we want to make this good for them, right?” Then he places his lips on hers, just as a camera whirs and a blinding flash covers the room in fluorescent light.
Evan brought the paparazzi.
This f*cker is doing this for publicity. Not because he loves and misses his wife. Not because he is concerned for her and the welfare of ten other women. He’s doing this all for press.
A cameraman steps out from behind a pillar and snaps several more shots of the couple, as well as the interior of the house.
“Where is this Justice Drake anyway?” he shouts, drawing more eyes and ears. “Where is the big, bad, sex doctor now?”
It takes everything in me not to step out from the shadows and confront him. To show him just who the f*ck I am. But that’s exactly what he wants. He wants that reaction, so he can bank off of it. I can see it now. Evan Carr exposes sexual predator, Justice Drake. F*ck that. I won’t feed his little shit show.
“Leave him alone,” Ally commands, nervously looking around. “Just…forget about him. I’ll go get my things and we can go.”
She pushes away from him and begins to make her way to the staircase, towards me. I can see the trepidation in her eyes as she scans the hall. Maybe she’s worried I’ll see her with her husband. Maybe a tiny part of her feels like she’s betraying me by being with him. Or maybe the worry etched in her face is a result of her shame. I don’t know and I don’t give myself time to debate the whys and hows, before my hand is grasping her elbow just as she slips past me.
“Justice, what are you-”
“Don’t go.” The words are out before I can stop them. And they keep coming, all my doubts and discretion smothered in desperation. “Don’t leave with him, Ally. Stay with me. Please. You don’t belong with him.”
Her animated eyes search the hopelessness in mine. “I can’t just… What are you saying?”
I take a step toward her and grasp both her shoulders. It’s now or never. If I don’t try, I’ll never get another chance. “I’m saying that I don’t want you to go. Ever. I’m saying that I can’t live without the sun shining down on my face, and I can’t dream without the stars kissing me goodnight. I can’t be without you, Ally. So...here we are: your two choices. Pick me. Choose me.”
I don’t even realize that the entire room has gone silent, save for my determined breaths and the sound of my heartbeat racing out of my chest. But when I hear his voice, I know that my plea has been heard loud and clear.
“What the hell is going on here?”
I feel Evan approach behind me, but I don’t turn around. My fixed gaze is still trained on Ally, waiting for an answer, a sign. Anything that’ll tell me that she’ll stay.
“Evan,” she breathes, though her eyes are on me. “Evan, I, uh-”
“Is this him? Is this Justice Drake?” he spits, his words laced with accusation and amusement. I feel him right behind me, and I know that I have to show myself. I can’t stay hidden in the shadows any longer.
Had this been a cheesy sitcom or soap opera, this would be the part where the camera would fade to black for commercial. Or maybe this would be the end of the episode, leaving viewers on the edge of their seats, ensuring that they tune in next time.
But this isn’t TV. There are no closing credits to follow the look of pure shock and disgust on Evan Carr’s face when I turn to face him. No heart-racing cadence plays in the background, signaling the transition into a nail-biting climax.
This is life. My life. The life that chewed me up, spat me out, and discarded me without a second thought.
“Sean Michael? Is that you? What are you doing here? And what the hell are you doing with my wife?”
I don’t say a word. I can’t. I just stay tight-lipped, as cameras flash and whir in front of us, our audience holding their breath in anticipation. My joints and limbs are frozen where I stand, until I feel Ally’s soft, delicate hand grasp my forearm. She steps into view beside Evan, her confused expression rivaling his.
“Justice, what is he talking-”
Evan nearly pushes her aside to take a step closer to me. “Wait a minute. Wait one goddamn minute… You’re Justice Drake? You’re him?” He barks out a sardonic laugh and throws his hands up dramatically. “You’ve got to be kidding me! Sean Michael is Justice-f*cking-Drake. And apparently, he wants to steal my wife from me. This is rich.”
Every muscle feels so tightly bound in aggravation that I can barely move. I don’t even realize how long I’ve been standing there, staring murderous daggers at Evan’s theatrics, until Ally forces her way into my line of vision.
“Justice, what’s going on? Please, talk to me.” Concern mars that beautifully flawed face, and I instantly feel guilty because I’m the cause.
I open and close my mouth, trying to find the words to explain, but Evan, being the selfish prick that he’s always been, steals it away from me. One hand on Ally’s back, he waves a hand in my direction. “Ally Cat, darling, meet Sean Michael. My father’s bastard, and my half-brother.”
And all the fear, the shame, it all comes bubbling to surface, overflowing with my secrets and lies. I can see the repulsion in her face as she looks at me, hurt and betrayal in her eyes, highlighted by the flash of half a dozen cameras. She doesn’t feel wronged by Evan, her husband, for keeping such a massive secret, she feels wronged by me. As if all of this is my doing. As if I forced his father– my father –to cheat on his wife with the young, naive maid and birth a son, just two months after Evan was born.
“You’re his brother?” she whispers in a broken voice. “You’re a Carr?”
“Half-brother,” I say, finding my voice, as if it makes my omission any better. “And, f*ck no, I’m not a Carr.”
There’s fire in the water of her eyes. “So you knew about me? You knew who I was from the beginning?” She shakes her head, her lips twisted in disgust. “Oh my God. You knew all along. You just wanted to use me as a pawn-”
I try to reach for her, but she steps away. “No! Don’t you dare even think that. Yes, I knew about you, but-”
“But what? How will you explain this one, little brother?” Evan interjects smugly. “You know what? I can’t decide what makes you a bigger a*shole—the fact that you preyed on my wife, or that you’re trying to weasel your way back in where you obviously don’t belong. You and your mother were paid handsomely to stay away from us. You think changing your name somehow voids the contract? Father’s attorneys will have a field day with your ass!” He pulls his cell phone from his pocket.
“Father’s attorneys? Don’t you mean your mother’s attorneys? Since you’re so fond of hiding behind her skirt, you should know good and well that her conniving ass orchestrated that.”
Evan shrugs. “True enough. But you see, the thing about marriage is that they’re united. They are one. And we’re a family. You and your whore of a mother will forever be on the outside looking in.”
There are no thoughts. No intervention from Jiminy or any coaxing from that little narcissistic devil pressing at my temples. Just red fury and a blur of movement, as I snatch Evan by the throat and slam him against the wall. I don’t hear the women shrieking with fear as they watch on, or the clicking of cameras freezing this moment in time. I don’t feel Ally tugging at my arm, begging me to stop, or even Riku trying to pull me back before I do what I’ve wanted to do for decades. There’s only blind rage numbing my hand, as I apply more pressure to his strained throat and watch those denim-blue eyes, so much like mine, widen with fear.
I’m going to kill him.
I’m going to f*cking kill him.
My childhood was stolen from me because Evan’s mother refused to allow my father to accept me. And when he arranged for me to attend the best prep school in the city, even that was taken away because Evan felt “uncomfortable” with my presence. And now he’s stolen my happiness. I don’t give a f*ck if Ally is his by law. She’s mine, right down to my bones. She was always meant to be a part of me. And Evan wants to take that too.
So I’m going to take his life, like he and his bitch of a mother tried to take mine.
“Please, Justice, don’t do this! Please, you don’t want to do this!”
Ally’s voice cuts through the blood whooshing in my ears, but it sounds so far away, like a distant memory. I squeeze Evan’s neck tighter, and he tries to scream, but no sound escapes.
“Where’s your mommy now, Evan?” I spew through a painfully clenched jaw. “Who’s gonna save you from me now, huh? Huh? Answer me, a*shole!”
A garbled whine escapes his trembling lips, and I squeeze his neck so hard that my knuckles turn white. I bring my face closer to his, ensuring that he can see the rage in my eyes, and that I can see the fear in his. “What was that? I can’t quite hear you through all your crying, Evan. You gonna tell your mommy on me? You gonna lie and say I was mean to you, like you did when we were kids? Or how about you tell her I’ve been rummaging through your shit and taking your things?”
A wicked smile curves my lips, and I bark out a forged laugh before leaning forward to whisper harshly in his ear. “Well, actually, I did take one thing of yours. I took it over and over again, until she screamed my name and begged for more. Until she came so hard that she f*cking sobbed.”
“Stop it! Please!” Ally screams. “Somebody do something!”
“Come on, man.” That’s Riku’s voice. It’s far away, yet closer than before. I can feel his grip on my shoulders, pulling me back to reality. “Everybody’s watching. Don’t ruin your life for this f*cker. He isn’t worth it.”
“Please,” a broken angel cries. “Please don’t. Please don’t do this.”
Her voice just keeps replaying in my head, begging me to stop. Begging me to spare her precious husband. Hell yeah, hurting Evan would make me feel better, but it would also destroy her. A part of her would die with him. And by making her a widow at the age of 27, she’d forever hate me. And that…that would destroy me.
I loosen my grip of Evan’s throat and let Riku pull me back, allowing Ally to swiftly move to aid her husband as he crumples to the ground, coughing and sputtering. She brushes his hair from his sweat-dampened forehead and caresses his beet-red face, crying for him. Crying for the life she nearly witnessed fade away by my own hands.
Someone rushes to help Evan to his feet, and with Ally pressed against his side, they usher him towards the exit.
“You didn’t take her,” he tries to spit over his shoulder in a strained whisper. “You just paid for her with every f*cking dime you own.”
I don’t respond. I don’t even give him a second look. I just keep watching, as Ally makes her choice. Evan is the lesser of two evils. And I’m…I’m just less.
He’s the star in her life. I was just the understudy.
Just before she crosses the threshold, she turns to look at me one last time. Sunlight filters through a single teardrop sliding down her cheek, turning it to crystallized sorrow. I want to go to her, capture it in my palm and kiss it away until it dissolves into nothing. But her tears are not for me. They’re because of me.
The anguished angel slips away from me, fleeing my singular hell as fire trails behind her. Stars burn and fall from my sky, and the clouds cry, darkening in sorrow.
The sun is gone. I’ve lost her forever.
---Message 12 of 23---
Dear Justice,
Happy (belated) New Year.
I’m not sure if you’ve been receiving my emails, but as your publicist—and I still am your publicist, like it or not—I feel the need to keep checking in with you. You know? to update you on what’s going on here. And to let you know that we’re all worried about you.
There, I said it. I’m worried about you.
Last I heard, you were in Tokyo, and then holed up in a chateau in France. Your mother has been in touch, and told me that you were in Poland briefly, visiting your grandparents for the holidays. She’s a lovely woman, by the way. She even told the story of your unfortunate former name. Sean Connery and Michael Douglas, huh? Can’t say that I blame her.
Anyway, after Poland, the trail went cold. That was three weeks ago.
Look, I get it. You’re pissed at the world right now. But at least let me know that you’re alive so I know I’m not writing a corpse.
I doubt you’ve been keeping up to date with current events, because if you were, you’d be home by now. So I’ll spare you the gory details and get right down to business. Evan Carr dropped any and all charges against you. Apparently, you have a guardian angel watching over you, because his team was ready to go to war. So count that as a victory—your home is safe.
However, things may look completely different if you don’t get your ass back here soon. Diane and Riku came up with this crazy idea to completely transform Oasis into a Hedonism-style couples resort. And considering that you’ve got folks trying to visit this place like it’s Disneyland for perverts, I think it’s a solid plan. Laura and Brad have agreed to come on board full-time, teaching tantric yoga amongst other things. They’ve even talked to Candi and Jewel about a strip aerobics-type class and a more intimate, striptease course for couples. They are all happy to help, Justice. They care about you…we all do.
Obviously, Erin was not invited back to the property. Last I heard, she dropped out of med school and is one snort away from being a coked out call girl. Unlucky for her and her bullshit little blackmail stunt, once the footage was released from, you know, that day…her audiotape was worthless. So not only is she a lying whore, she’s a broke, jobless, lying whore.
I don’t know if you’re reading these, or if you’re even somewhere that has Wi-Fi, but just know that we’re rooting for you. Nobody blames you for what you did to Evan; that little shit deserved it. And now that everyone knows that you’re Winston Carr, II’s abandoned son, the whole world sympathizes with you and understands why you reacted the way you did.
They stole everything from you, Justice. Don’t let them take away everything that you’ve accomplished as well.