Chapter Nine
As the morning sunlight streamed across my face, I shifted in the bed. When I started to roll over to get the sun out of my eyes, I found myself entangled in a mass of dark hair. I tried desperately to process where I was and who I was with. And then I realized it was Allison lying beside me. My mind was assaulted with John Milton’s phrase, “Hide me from day’s garish eye” and its somewhat bastardization of “everything looked different in the garish light of day.”
F*cking hell, what had I done? Somewhere between the tequila and what had happened with Ellie, I’d completely let my guard down and allowed myself to give in to the worst temptation. A reel of X-rated images flickered through my mind of doing body shots off Allison, making out with her in the pool, and then taking her to my bed.
The realization crashed over me, causing me to shudder. I’d f*cked Jake’s little sister. I’d f*cked her in multiple positions and had used way too many condoms. I’d defiled a perfectly sweet and angelic girl who had been the only bright spot in my world, besides Ellie, the last few weeks. Bringing my forearm over my eyes, I groaned. How could she ever forgive me?
“Hey, are you okay?” a small voice asked beside me.
Drawing my arm away, I met Allison’s expectant gaze. Even though she should’ve looked ridden hard and put up wet after all we had done, she was so f*cking radiant she glowed. The sunlight hit the back of her hair and shot down her body, illuminating her small curves under the stark white sheet.
With a tentative smile, she placed her hand on my chest over my heart. “Talk to me, Rhys.”
At that moment, former coherent thoughts seemed to evaporate instantaneously. Just the sight of Allison stirred something within me. F*cking hell. No! I could not go there again. Groaning once more, I pulled myself up in the bed and leaned back against the headboard. Desperately I searched to find the right words in this moment. “God, Allison, I’m so, so sorry about last night.”
Her brows lined in confusion. “Why would you be sorry?”
I furiously rubbed my face. “I took advantage of you when you were just being kind and compassionate. I got you drunk. I—”
She interrupted me by bringing her hand over my mouth. “Stop it. There is nothing to apologize for or to beat yourself up over. Last night was about two consenting adults. And I certainly remember giving my permission.”
Vaguely another grainy image flickered in my head of Allison telling me to kiss her again. She certainly seemed to have a good time without coercion last night. But even if she was on board, I knew better than to touch her. “Even if you were okay with it, it wasn’t right,” I protested.
Rising up in the bed, Allison didn’t bother to keep the sheet wrapped around her chest. I pinched my eyes shut to avoid the delicious eyeful of her breasts. “Your head is still too cloudy to process everything. Go get us some coffee, and we’ll talk this through.”
In the light of morning, Allison appeared so much older. She certainly spoke with such assurance that I was willing to accept or believe anything she said. “Okay?” she prodded.
“All right. I’ll throw on some clothes and run up to the main house.” As I pulled back the sheet, Allison’s eyes stared appreciatively at my dick, and it took everything within me not to flip her onto her back and pound her again. “You should put some clothes on.”
“Do you have something I can borrow?”
“Of course.”
She gave me a beaming smile, one that lit me afire from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. At the same time, it comforted me. It was like Allison possessed the answers to all the questions and worries I had about my life. I couldn’t imagine why the hell I was thinking that about her. She was just a friend…a friend I had now had sex with. Fuuuuck!
Shaking off the weird feelings swimming around in my head, I went to the chest of drawers and took out a T-shirt and some shorts. “Here.”
“Thank you.” She took them in her hands and then slipped out from under the sheet. I couldn’t believe how uninhibited she was in front of me. When she ducked into the bathroom, I headed out the side door to the house.
When I let myself in the backdoor, the kitchen was empty. Knowing my mother, she had asked the cook to bring her a breakfast tray after feigning exhaustion from the party. That or she had insisted on taking her meal outside on the veranda, so she could survey any potential damage done by the partygoers. It was always about her, not what was convenient to others.
I dug a thermos out of the back of the pantry, and then filled it with steaming coffee. Several different types of muffins and fruit were laid out on the island. I grabbed a plate and starting piling up a sampling in case Allison was hungry.
Just as I turned to go, my mother’s voice stopped me. “There you are. After I didn’t see you again last night after the party, I thought you might have left us again. But when I went for my morning walk, I saw your car was still here.”
I drew in a deep breath, trying to temper my response. I turned around. “I went to take Ellie home and make sure she was okay.”
My mother’s dark eyes narrowed slightly. “This is Eleanor’s home.”
“This will never be Ellie’s home, Mother. You have to be welcome at your home, and we know that will never be the case. Whenever she comes here, she’s banished to the carriage house.”
“It isn’t banishment. It’s giving her freedom.”
Rolling my eyes, I started backing toward the door. “I don’t have the f*cking time or energy for this conversation.”
Mother crossed her arms over her chest. “Did you take the same care with your date to make sure she made it safely home?”
“Her name is Allison, and from your tone, I’m sure you already know she stayed last night with me in the pool house.”
“This is the second time I’ve seen you with this girl. Are you serious about her?”
I gave a mirthless laugh. “Don’t tell me you’re actually interested like a real mother is about who her son might be involved with? I’m sure with you it’s more of a concern about her social stature and what type of blood runs in her veins.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Honestly, Rhys, isn’t it enough that you have to defy your father’s and my wishes by abandoning law school and a future at a prestigious law firm? Must you now bring further shame by dating a girl who is so far removed from our social sphere?”
“Mother, it’s far too early in the morning for your snobbery,” I retorted sarcastically.
“Don’t be a fool, Rhys. This girl is so completely enamored that she’s even found a way to get her claws further into you by touring with your band on the pretense of this internship.”
Since my mother wasn’t the type of woman to confide in about my confused feelings and emotions, I merely shook my head. “Look, I’m hoping this will shut you up on the matter. I’m not dating Allison—not now and not ever. There’s absolutely nothing between us but friendship, and there never will be anything else.”
At the sound of a gasp behind me, I whirled around. With a horrified expression, Allison stood in the doorway outfitted in the shorts and T-shirt of mine that were way too big for her. Before I could say anything to her, she turned and fled out the door.
“F*ck,” I muttered, throwing everything in my hands on the counter. I raced out the door after her. “Allison, wait!” I called.
When Allison turned toward me, tears pooled in her eyes. “What you just said to your mother…is that how you really feel about me?”
I couldn’t understand why she was crying, but I knew I needed to get her to calm down. “Look, could we just calm the f*ck down for a minute and think about this?”
“What is there to think about exactly?” she pressed.
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that we made a horrible mistake last night.”
Flinching like I had hit her, Allison questioned in a strangled voice, “Is that what it was to you? A mistake?”
“Of course it was. We were both drunk. It had been a hell of a night for me, and you were so sweet to comfort me. I swear to God that I never intended to seduce you.”
Allison’s eyes widened. “You think you seduced me?”
I grimaced. “I’m sure you would have never done anything like that if I hadn’t been coming on to you. I take full responsibility for what happened.”
She stared at me like I had grown horns and fangs. It was the oddest expression of agonized disbelief. I could almost see the wheels in her head turning and spinning. And then she shocked the hell out of me by bringing both of her hands to my chest and shoving me hard. “You…you f*cking a*shole!” she screeched.
My eyes widened at her choice of language along with the fury with which she spoke. She shook her head wildly back and forth at me. “If last night was a mistake and you just seduced me, then what the hell have we been doing the past three weeks?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know exactly. Hanging out? Spending time as friends?”
“Just friends? That was all it was to you?”
“What else was it supposed to be?”
“Oh God,” she moaned. Allison’s eyes then pinched shut. I’ve known her long enough to know that look, and I feel like utter shit for causing her pain.“I can’t believe this. All this time I’d fantasized what it would be like to tell you how I felt about you. But never could I have imagined a nightmare like this.”
“I don’t understand.” And that was certainly an understatement.
Opening her eyes, Allison pinned me with a hard stare. “You’ve been utterly and completely blind, haven’t you? Or I guess it’s more like you’ve been emotionally shut off.” She took a tentative step toward me. “Last night meant everything to me because I was with the man I loved. The man I’ve been in love with since I was thirteen years old.”
Her words had the same effect as if a lightning bolt had shot out of the sky to slam me with jolts of electricity. “You’re in love with me?” I asked with disbelief.
“I can’t believe I ever took you for such a smart man, Rhys,” Allison snapped.
Running my hands over my face, I shook my head. How in the hell had this happened? We’d just been hanging out and having fun—I wasn’t sure how she had taken it differently. “God, how did I not see it for all those years?” As my mind whirled with thoughts, I wondered if I had just been ignoring all the signs that were already there. I’d never had a girl that was just a friend. All these years, I’d treated Allison as a little sister. Somehow in the last three weeks, our relationship had changed into one of intense friendship. At the same time, I had to wonder if I’d been deluding myself. Was what I was feeling for Allison more than just friendship? Sure, considering how gorgeous and sexy she was, it wasn’t hard to be attracted to her physically. But it was the emotional aspect of my attraction that I was worried about.
After exhaling a ragged breath, Allison said, “I’ve waited and tried to be patient. I thought once I was of age, you would be able to see me differently. And then when that didn’t happen, I almost gave up hope that we could ever be together. But no matter who I was with or where you were in the world, that little flicker of love I felt for you never extinguished. Then you came to see me, and we had the most perfect last few weeks together.” Tears streaked down her cheeks, causing my chest to clench in anguish. “But all that was for nothing because you’re standing before me now saying that you feel nothing for me.”
“That’s not true. I do care about you very, very much.”
“Yeah, as a sister or a friend. But do you care for me as someone different? A girlfriend or a lover?”
Even if I was beginning to feel more for her than I should, there was no way I could ever allow myself to date Allison. Jake would never allow or accept it. The band could implode under the stress and tension. There was also the fact that I didn’t do relationships anymore—I wanted my freedom, not to be tied down. Allison wasn’t the type of girl who became a f*ck buddy. She was the hearts and flowers kind of girl, the hopeless romantic, who was waiting for her Prince Charming. We were at an impasse, and when it came down to it, there was really no future for us. “Allison,” I began in an even voice, “what you’re feeling for me isn’t real.”
Sweeping her hands to her hips, she angrily questioned, “It isn’t? Then pray tell me exactly what it is.”
Never being good at talking about my emotions, I found it hard to try to put into words what I meant. “Infatuation…a crush. All these years you just thought you were in love with me because you had a false sense of who I was. I was the older guy who was off limits. It’s romantic wish fulfillment.”
There it was—the honest truth. Logical. Intelligent. Allison was still too young to really understand love. Hell, I didn’t even understand it. No, this was the right path to take.
“That is the worst bullshit I’ve ever heard! How dare you tell me how I feel? I know what I’ve felt for you Rhys, and it’s love. Now if you’re too chicken shit to admit that you feel something for me, then fine. That’s how we’ll leave things between us. But don’t you ever tell me that I don’t know what love is.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just trying to find the right things to say to you.”
“The right things to let me down easy? The right way to put the sad, confused little girl out of her misery?”
“Allison, please.”
She shook her head. “Why? Why can’t you be honest with me? Why can’t you be honest with yourself?”
“I am being honest,” I argued feebly.
“So in your warped frame of mind, last night was just a mistake? It wasn’t an amazing connection between two people who care for each other?”
“We can’t get caught up with what happened last night. Yes, the sex was amazing and it was an incredible time, but we were wasted. We have to think about Jake and everyone else. Whatever this is between us, it has to stop. Too much is at stake for us just to throw it all away because of a drunken night.”
Her hand swept to her throat as a strangled cry escaped her lips. Once again, tears began flowing down her cheeks. “Okay then, I’ll put it all behind me. We’ll go on like this never happened. If that’s what you think is best.”
“I’m sorry, but I really do. It’ll be fine in the end, you’ll see. We’ll be able to be friends just like nothing happened.”
She gave a quick jerk of her head. “I’ll just try not to think each and every time I see you that you’re the man who didn’t just break my heart—you shattered it.”
I didn’t anticipate her next move. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she dipped my head down to where she could kiss me. Her lips tasted salty from the tears she’d been shedding. And as the fading thought of her lips left my mind, it was like every molecule in my body jolted, causing me to shudder. The years melted away to another time when I had felt the same way as I kissed Allison. In the moment itself and over the years, I’d denied the feelings I’d experienced with a sixteen-year-old Allison in my arms. But here I was experiencing the exact same reaction again to kissing her.
In that instant, I knew I had been deceiving myself for the past three weeks. I hadn’t been just hanging out and having fun with Allison. She had been getting under my skin. I’d slowly been falling for her. But all along, I’d been lying to myself. I’d wanted someone as beautiful, talented, and kind-hearted as she was to care for me on a deeper level. And now that I had it, I was throwing it away. But it really was the only choice I had to keep the peace with Jake. Allison was young—too young to really know what she wanted. When she matured on her, she would realize I was the last person she could truly love. She would come to believe, as I did now, that she deserved far better. Because I sure as hell knew I didn’t deserve her. She was too precious with too much of a bright future ahead of her to be saddled with someone like me. In that moment, I would have given anything to have stayed with my arms around her, with her sweet, soft lips on mine, but it just wasn’t meant to be.
Allison’s hands slowly fell from around my neck as she pulled away. Without another word to me, she turned and started walking down the path that led to the street. “Wait, let me at least give you a ride.”
She shook her head. “I’d rather walk.”
“Please don’t leave like this.”
“There isn’t any other way to do this. Goodbye, Rhys.” She then continued on down the path before heading out the gate and disappearing from my gaze. Long after she was gone, I continued standing in that same spot, wondering what the f*ck had just happened to me. Regardless of the emotions that tightened in my chest, I had to accept the same words I’d given her. Nothing could ever work between Allison and me. There were too many obstacles to overcome.
I would just have to keep telling myself that.