Chapter 2
Shaw
I closed the bathroom door with a soft click and turned the lock. I collapsed against the skin and ran shaking hands over my face. It was getting harder and harder each and every Sunday to be Rule’s chaperone to these family gatherings, I already felt like I was getting an ulcer and if I had to walk in on him and one of his disgusting bar bimbos again I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of his apartment without committing homicide. I turned around to splash some cold water on my face and lifted the heavy fall of blond hair off my neck. I needed to pull it together because the last thing I wanted was for Margot or Dale to notice something was off and even drugged up and in pain Rome was one of the most observant people I had ever met. He didn’t miss a thing when it came to either of his younger brothers and me by association since I was technically lumped into the category of surrogate little sister.
It was getting harder and harder to spend time around Rule and not just because looking at him reminded me of everything that I no longer had which was the problem Margot and Dale struggled with, not that the insensitive ass had any empathy for his parents. My struggle came with the fact that Rule was complicated, he was brash, mouthy, careless, thoughtless, and often cranky and generally and insufferable pain in the ass but when he chose to be he was also charming and funny, artistically brilliant and more often than not the most interesting person in the room and I had been head over heels in love with both sides of him since I was thirteen years old. Of course I had loved Remy, loved him like a brother, like the best friend and consummate protector he had been but I loved Rule like it was my mission in life, like it was inevitable and no matter how many times I was shown what an awful idea it was, what a bad match we were, what a callous a*shole he could be, I couldn’t shake it so each and every time I had to have the fact that he didn’t even think of me as more than a car pool driver shoved in my face it tore a little bit more of my battered heart apart.
My own family was such a mess there was no way I would be half the person I was today without all the Archers had done for me. Remy had taken me under his wing when I was a friendless and lonely pre-teen, Rome had threatened to beat up the first boy that made me cry because he didn’t like me back, Margot had taken me shopping for homecoming and prom dresses when my own mother was too busy with her new husband to care, Dale had taken me to Denver University and CU Boulder and helped whittle down the choices logically and rationally when it came to picking a college and Rule, well Rule was a constant reminder that money didn’t get you everything you wanted and that no matter how perfect I tried to be, how hard I worked at being everything to everyone that it still wasn’t enough.
I blew out a breath that I felt like I had been holding for over an hour and took a piece of Kleenex to wipe away the black smudges that had run under my eyes from the water. If I didn’t get down the dining room fast Margot was bound to come looking for me and I didn’t have a reasonable excuse as to why I was currently hyperventilating in the bathroom. I fished a hair tie out of my pocket and pulled my hair into a low ponytail. I slicked on a sheer coat of gloss and gave myself a silent pep talk, reminding myself that I had done this a million other Sundays and that this one was no different. Just as I was stepping into the hall my phone rang and I had to struggle to keep back a groan when I saw that it was Gabe calling again. I sent the call to voicemail and wondered for the hundredth time in the last month why I had ever wasted a second of my time on his pompous ass. He was over entitled, overly grabby, overly superficial and overly interested in my last name and the fact that my parents were loaded than in me. I wasn’t even interested in dating him, wasn’t interested in dating anyone but my parents had forced my hand and as usual under their pressure I folded and ended up spending more time than I wanted with him. I managed to tolerate him for a lot longer than I thought I would be able to, after all Gabe was way more interested in himself than in me, it wasn’t until he had started pushing for sex, started making me uncomfortable by grabbing and touching things I didn’t want his hands anywhere near that I cut the cord. Unfortunately neither he nor my parents seemed to want to get the message and I had been inundated with calls, texts and emails for the last two weeks. Gabe was easy enough to dodge, my mother not so much.
I was shoving the phone back into my back pocket when a quiet voice stopped me. “What’s going on with you little girl? I’ve been gone for over eighteen months and all I get is a hug and a peck on the cheek before you disappear? Where are the tears, where’s the hysterics that I’m home safe and sound? What’s working in that complicated brain of yours because I can tell something is on your mind?”
I hiccupped a little laugh and let my forehead fall onto the strong chest in front of me. Even battered and bruised Rome was the kind of guy that stood between the people he loved and anything that might possibly hurt them. He patted the top of my head and laid a heavy hand on the back of my neck. “I missed that pretty face Shaw; you don’t know how good it is to be home.”
I shuttered a little and wrapped a carful arm around his waist so that I could give him a squeeze and not hurt him. “I missed you too, Rome. I’m just stressed out. School is crazy right now, I’m working three or four nights a week and my parents won’t get off my back about this guy I just broke up with. You know I love it when we’re all together. I thought your mom was going to have a heart attack when she called to tell me what happened to you. I’m so glad you’re okay, I don’t this family would be able to handle another Archer son going down.”
“No probably not. I can’t believe she still has you playing chuffer to my idiot brother.”
I hooked my arm through his and we started to make our way to the dining room. “It’s the only way he’ll come. If I have to miss it because of school or because something comes up he just blows them off. Half the time when I get to the apartment he doesn’t even know what day it is and has to scramble to get out the door, today would be a prime example of that. If I show up he feels obligated to ride with me no matter what or who he’s in the middle of doing.”
Rome swore under his breath. “It wouldn’t kill that kid to play nice with mom and dad once a week. He shouldn’t need you to be his babysitter.”
I shrugged a shoulder because we both knew that all the Archer brothers had a role. Remy had been the good son, the straight A student, the future Ivy leaguer , he was also the one saddled with the role of keeping Rule out of jail and running interference when his twin got into trouble that he couldn’t talk his way out of. Rule was the wild card, the one that lived life to the fullest and made no apologies for those he might offend or hurt along the way. Rome was the boss, the twins adored him and followed his lead through good and bad because lord knew with the way the three of them looked there was lots and lots of bad thrown their way. With Remy gone it wasn’t a surprise to anyone that Rome had become even more protective of his remaining brother and that I had fallen seamlessly into the role of trying to keep Rule on some kind of path of straight and narrow.
“It’s the least I can do for Margot and Dale. They’ve always done so much for me and asked for so little in return suffering Rule’s wrath once a week is a pretty easy sacrifice to make.”
Something flashed in those eyes that were so much like his brother’s that it sometimes hurt to look into them. Rome wasn’t anyone’s fool and it wouldn’t surprise me if he knew more about all the things I kept locked down than he let on.
“I just don’t want you being the target of Rule being Rule. Mom needs to get over her shit and so does he. Everyone is grown now and life is too short for you to be constantly playing the peacemaker between those two.”
I sighed and lowered my voice as we got to the entrance to room. The table was already set and everyone was already in their regular seats. Dale was at the head of the table, Margot on his right with an open spot for me. His left side was left open for Rome and Rule had taken the seat at the opposite end of the table as far away from both of his parents as he could get. “They need to move past the fact that he’s never going to be Remy, and he has to stop intentionally cramming that fact down their throats. Until one side gives and learns how to forgive it’s always going to be this way.”
He pressed a super light kiss to my temple and gave me a little squeeze back. “I don’t think any of them realize how lucky they are to have you little girl.”
I let him go and went to take my seat between Margot and Rule. I tried not to wince when Rule sent a narrow eyed look in my direction, knowing Rome and I had more than likely been whispering about him. I slid into my spot and flashed Dale a smile as he started passing the typically lavish brunch around. I was about to ask Rome what he planned to do with his time off when Margot had me snapping my head around in shock.
“Would it be too much of a stretch to expect you to come to brunch in a shirt that buttons and in a pair of pants that don’t look like they came from the thrift store? I mean your brother has several broken bones and was in a horrific accident and he still manages to look more put together than you, Rule.”
I had to bite my tongue to stop from snapping at her to lay off of him. Mostly because family gatherings were supposed to be informal and fun and I knew good and well if I had showed up in jeans and a t-shirt she wouldn’t even have blinked, but because it was him she viewed it as a direct attack on her.
He picked a couple pieces of bacon off the platter I handed to him and didn’t even bother to respond to her. Instead he turned to Rome and asked what his plans were while he was home. He wanted him to come to the city for a week and spend time with him and Nash. I saw Margot’s mouth tighten at the dismissal and Dale’s eyebrows pull down in a frown. I saw varying degrees of the same look every Sunday we were here. It hurt my chest because even in a rumpled shirt and torn jeans Rule was the kind of guy that owned whatever look he was wearing. It was the same thing with the mass amounts of tattoos that covered him from head to toe and the array of metal that dotted his face here and there. There was no denying Rule was a good looking guy, probably too good looking to be honest, but he was complicated and the beauty he possessed was buried and camouflaged under things it was easy to look past. Of all the brothers he had the clearest, most arctic blue eyes, his hair even when it was decorated with purple or green or blue was still the thickest and the shiniest and even with every color under sun dancing across his skin, of the three of them Rule had always been the one the girls gravitated to. Just like the brunette at Starbucks this afternoon. Her name was Amy Rodgers and I had spent all four years of high school being tormented by her and her cheerleader cronies. She dated jocks and boys that bleed blue, not guys that rocked mohawks and had their eyebrows and lips pierced, but even she couldn’t resist all that was Rule Archer in his magnetic glory.
“And what’s going on with your hair son? A color actually found in nature might be a nice change of pace especially since the whole family is together and we’re all lucky to have your brother home in one piece.”
I groaned inwardly and silently took the bowl of fruit Margot handed me. Now that they had teamed up on him there was no way he was going to stay quiet. Normally he ignored his mom and shot sarcastic one liners at Dale, but being interrupted and attacked from both sides while he was trying to catch up with Rome wasn’t going to fly. Rule had a short fuse on a good day but corner him when he was hung over and being reluctantly civil at best and the fur was no doubt going to fly. I shot Rome a panicked look across the table but before he could interject Rule’s voice snapped out like a verbal back hand across the face.
“Well pops purple is found all throughout nature so I don’t know what you’re talking about and as far as my clothes are concerned I figure we’re all lucky I bothered to even put pants on considering the condition Shaw found me in this morning. Now if you’re both done criticizing every move I make can I continue my conversation with the brother I haven’t seen in over a year that nearly got blow up by a roadside bomb?”
Margot gasped and Dale shoved his chair back from the table. I let my head fall forward and rubbed between my eyes where a headache was starting to throb.
“One afternoon Rule, one freaking afternoon is all we ask of you.” Dale stormed out of the room and Margot wasted no time in bursting into tears. She buried her face in her napkin and I reached over to awkwardly pat her shoulder. I cut a look at Rule but he had climbed to his feet as well and was headed toward the front door. I shot a look at Rome who just shook his head and lumbered to his feet. Margot lifted her head and looked at her oldest with pleading eyes.
“Tell him Rome, you go tell him that this not how you treat your parents. He has no respect.”
She pointed a shaky finger at the door. “You tell him that this is unacceptable.”
Rome looked at me then at his mom. “Sure mom I’ll tell him, but I’m also going to tell you that you had no reason to lay into him like that. Who cares if he wants to wear jeans and have hair like a god damn Smurf? What matters is that he’s here and he made an effort and Shaw took time out of her life, her busy schedule to make that happen for you and dad and you waited exactly three seconds before purposely picking at the scab, both of you.”
Margot gasped but Rome wasn’t done. “You and dad need a wakeup call. I could have just as easily come home in a body bag as a cast. You’ve already lost one son, you need to appreciate the ones you have left regardless if you agree with the choices we’re making or not.”
The tears came harder and she leaned her head on my shoulder. “Shaw loves coming to visit on Sunday; we should just stop asking her to bring Rule because clearly he doesn’t want to be here. I’m done trying to make him be part of this family it just hurts too much.”
Rome shook his head and both of us sighed he followed his brother out of the room as I continued to pat Margot on the shoulder. This woman had been kind to me, treated me as a daughter when my own had no use for me so what I was about to say to her came from a place of refusing to watch another family disintegrate in on its self.
“Margot you and Dale are wonderful people and good parents but you have to stop living in the past. I’m not going to come see you guys on Sunday anymore, not unless you guys figure out how to accept Rule for exactly who he is and love him anyway. I miss Remy and it was tragic how he died, but you are never going to turn Rule into him and I can’t stand by and watch you continue to try. My parents have been forcing me into a mold that doesn’t fit for years and I only wish I had enough will to refuse the way Rule does.”
I climbed to me feet and had to fight back my own tears when she looked at me with shock and dismay marked on her face.
“If Remy was here none of this would be happening. Rule would never have started acting so awful, you and he would still be so happy together and Rome never would have gone off and joined the stupid military.”
I had to take a few steps away because there was so much wrong with that thinking that it nearly floored me. “Margot, Rule was always a handful, he never just bowed to you and Dale’s dictates, Rome was enlisted way before the accident and I’ve told you a million times Remy was my best friend, we didn’t have feelings for each other like that. I think you need to consider talking to a professional because you’re rewriting history and while you’re doing it you’re losing a pretty terrific son.”
“You can’t honestly believe that? Rule is just as awful to you as he is to me and his father.”
I bit my lip and rubbed my temples harder. “He isn’t awful; he’s just harder to love. Remy made it easy for you guys, Rule never has but he deserves the effort and until this family can see that I have better ways to spend my time. If I wanted bickering and bitterness I would just go home. I love you and Dale, but I see what you’re doing to Rule and I will not be a part of it anymore. Rome was right; you need to appreciate the family you have and not spend your life comparing them to the family you lost. Remy was my whole world, Margot but he’s gone and Rule is here.”
She crossed her arms and flopped down on the table. I knew there would be no getting through to her so I went to go to the front door. I wasn’t surprised to see Dale leaning against the kitchen counter, watching me with serious eyes.
“She isn’t going to do well without you coming by. You’re an important part of this family.”
I tucked the ends of hair behind my ears and gave him a rueful smile. “So is your son.”
“Margot isn’t the only one that needs to remember that, and you have to admit that hair is ridiculous.”
I laughed for real this time and walked over to give him a hug. “She needs help Dale. Remy’s been gone for a while and all she wants to do is push Rule to take his place. That isn’t going to happen, we all know that.”
He kissed the top of my head and set me away from him. “Don’t know why you’re always defending that boy; he’s got a hot temper and a wild streak a mile long. You’re a smart, beautiful girl you have to know how Rule’s story ends.”
“I don’t believe in skipping ahead Dale. I read the book all the way through. Tell Margot to give me a call when she calms down but I’m serious about Sundays. Until it’s an actually family gathering, until Rule stops being vilified for just being who he is and not who you want him to be I’m not coming. This just hurts too much.”
“Fair enough little girl, but if you need anything you know we’re just a phone call away.”
“I know.”
“I know he wouldn’t appreciate you falling on the sword for him.”
“Maybe not Dale, but it’s my sword to fall on and even if nobody, including Rule himself can see it, he’s worth it. I think so and I know Remy always thought so, you might want to try and remember that next time he shows up with pink hair.”
I made my way to the drive way and paused when I saw the brothers with their heads bent close together. Rule looked mad and Rome looked sad, it was heartbreaking and impressive all at the same time. Rule saw me first and pulled away. They said something to one another in low tones and bumped fists. Rome pulled Rule into a one armed hug and made his way over to me. I received the same treatment with the addition of a kiss on the cheek.
“I’m gonna put as many fires out here as I can over the next week or so and then make my way to the city. I’ll hit you up when I can.”
“Try and convince your mom to get some help Rome, please.”
“I love you little girl, you try and keep that jackass out of trouble for me.”
I brushed a kiss across his cheek in return. “I always do.”
“I didn’t know it was this bad, Shaw. I’ve missed so much by being away.”
“Families are like anything else, they take work, patience and people willing to make it work, I’m so very glad you came home Rome.”
I moved away after another hug and tossed my keys at Rule. “I have a headache can you drive back to the city?” I normally never let him anywhere near my car, he had a lead foot and no regard for other drivers on the road, but I wasn’t going to make it. I felt the headache growing into a migraine and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and crawl into a soft bed and pull the covers over my head. I got into the passenger seat and curled into a ball.
Rule didn’t say anything as he turned the ignition on and headed us home. He left the radio off and didn’t even try and bother with forced pleasantries. I knew he wouldn’t apologize for the scene; he never did so I didn’t even bring it up. I was drifting in and out of a little nap when Gabe’s ringtone started to trill from my pocket. I swore which was something a rarely did and turned the stupid thing off. By now my stomach was in knots and I was seeing spots in front of my eyes.
“He calls you now more than when you were dating.” Rule’s voice was low and I wondered if he had any idea how much my head was hurting.
“It’s a pain. I told you he didn’t get it.”
“Is it a problem?” I cracked an eye open because it was really out of character for him to even kind of show concern for me.
“No, I mean it’s only been a couple weeks and I think he misses the idea of me more than actually being with me. I keep thinking he’ll get bored or find someone else and just go away.”
“Make sure you let somebody know if he becomes an issue. No girl should have to deal with that noise.”
“I will.” We lapsed back into silence again until he cleared his throat. I’d known Rule long enough to know he was working his way up to something and I just needed to listen.
“Look, I’m sorry about this morning, I’m sorry about a lot of Sunday mornings. You don’t need to keep seeing me at my worst; in fact it’s not your job to see to me at all. I’m done with forced family fun time it’s not doing anything but driving the knife in deeper and I see that now. This drama has been building for years and it’s not fair that you’re still stuck in the middle of it without Remy to back you up. He loved you to death and I’ve done a piss poor job honoring that.”
I was in too much pain to argue the semantics of my relationship, or rather nonrelarionship with Remy to Rule yet again. No one in the Archer family seemed to get that we were friends, best friends and nothing more. The legend of our relationship had turned into a monster that I just couldn’t combat especially when the tiny amount I had eaten for brunch was suddenly crawling back up my throat. I lurched forward and grabbed Rule’s arm. It probably wasn’t the smartest move since we were going ninety five on the freeway but I was about to toss my cookies in a car that cost more than some people made in a year.
“Pull over!” Rule let out a string of curse words and hastily weaved around a minivan to the shoulder of the road. I got the door open and practically fell on my knees as I lost everything in a violent stream on the asphalt. Warm hands pulled my ponytail out the way and handed me a ragged bandana when I could finally breathe. I took the bottle of water he handed me and sat back on my heels while the world tilted in a bunch of different directions.
“What’s wrong?”
I sloshed the water around and spit it out on the ground away from the tips of his black boots. “Migraine.”
“Since when do you have those?”
“Since always. I need to lie down in the back.”
He pulled me to my feet with a hand under my arm and I realized it was the first time in years he had ever deliberately touched me. We never hugged, never brushed against each other, never hi fived or shook hands; we were strictly in a hands-off type of relationship so my system almost revolted at the contact. I groaned as he practically shoved me back into the car. I was short so stretching out along the back seat wasn’t a big deal. Rule got back behind the wheel and look at me over his shoulder. “You gonna make it the rest of the way?”
I threw and arm over my eyes and placed a hand on my rolling belly. “It’s not like I have a choice. Just be ready to pull back over if I scream at you.”
He pulled back into traffic and was quiet for only a minute before demanding, “Does everyone know you get migraines?”
“No. I don’t get them very often, just when I’m stressed out or not sleeping well.”
“Did Remy know?”
I wanted to sigh but I just answered, “Yes.”
He muttered something I couldn’t hear and I felt him rather than saw him look back at me. “He never told me. He told me everything, even crap I had zero interest in hearing, he never shut up about you.”
He was wrong, so very, very wrong but that was Remy’s secret and even though he was gone I still would go to the grave with it. There was a lot Rule and Rome never knew about their brother, things that he was scared to share, things he battled with on a daily basis and the fact I had migraines and was irrevocably in love with Rule didn’t even scratch the surface.
“He probably just forgot about it, like I said I don’t get them very often and when you guys moved to Denver and I still had to finish high school he probably just forgot they happened because we didn’t hangout as much anymore. They’ve been worse the last few years.” I didn’t have to explain it was because Remy was gone and all the stress he balanced out for me was now my own to deal with.
“That seems like kinda a big deal to slip his mind.”
“Contrary to what all you Archers have stuck in your head there was a lot more to Remy than our friendship and what was or was not going on with me.”
He snorted loudly. “Yeah right. Remy was a different person after he found you. He was always a good guy, always the best of all of us but once you came along it was like he finally found his purpose. You gave him someone to care about without any of the bullshit baggage the rest of us had. You made him better.”
My heart squeezed so tight in my chest I thought for a second everything inside me was going to turn inside out. “Well he saved me so we made each other better.”
We fell into an uncomfortable silence again until the car stopped in front of his apartment complex. He turned in the seat and looked down at me. I peeked at him from under my arm. The blue in his eyes was all but swallowed up by the paler silver and gray. “Can you get back to University Park or do you need me to take you? I can have Nash follow us since he’s home from work.” It was a nice offer, one I was surprised he extended, but I had had my fill of Archers for the day and the drive from Capitol Hill to University Park wasn’t that bad on a Sunday in the early evening.
“I’ll make it. It’s not that far.” I scrambled out of the back and had to lean on the door frame while he got out of the driver’s seat. We were standing so close I could see the pulse in his throat thumping under the tattoo he had there of a humming bird. “Thanks though.”
He exhaled and rubbed his hands roughly over his face. He took a step back and made sure I was looking him dead in the eye when he told me, “I’m serious about Sunday. Don’t show up here next week expecting me to play nice. I’m over it.”
I snapped a salute with two fingers to my brow and let my body collapse in the seat he had just vacated. “Message received. My services as chauffer slash buffer are no longer needed, which means I probably won’t be seeing you around. Try and take care of yourself Rule, seriously somebody has to.”
I shut the door before he could say anything else and didn’t even wait until he moved away from the car to put it in reverse and pull away from the apartment complex. It was a short drive to my own apartment that I shared with my best friend Ayden. I had met her freshman year when we shared a dorm room together. She was a chem major, worked at the same sports bar I did and totally had the patience to deal with all my endless neurotic crap. Her family background was no picnic either so I loved that I could always rely on her to be there for me, she was also smart as hell and it had taken her exactly zero seconds to figure the reason my social life was boring and that I could never commit to any of the guys I dated was because I was hung up on Rule Archer so when I came stumbling in hurting with tears in my eyes she put me to bed without questions and pulled the blinds in my room closed while she fetched me some pain killers and a giant glass of water.
The bed depressed when she climbed up next to me as I kicked my peep toe heels off and tugged my belt through the loops on my slacks.
“It was bad today?” Ayden was from Kentucky and her southern drawl rolled over me like a smoothing balm.
“He was with some skank again, he had a hickey the size of Alaska on his neck, my mortal enemy from high school hit on him at Starbucks and it took Margot and Dale less than a minute to insult his clothes and hair and remind him he is not now or never will be his dead twin brother. Luckily this time they left out his job and disregard for manners but he blew his top and stormed out. They’ve all decided its best we no longer come up on Sunday making this the second family I’ve been a part of that can’t figure it out and just love and appreciate one another and to top it off Gabe has been blowing up my phone all day and I can’t think of anyone I want to talk to less, so yeah it was really f*cking bad today.”
She brushed a hand over my hair and laughed softly. “Girl, the situations you find yourself in.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Did you give him the key to his place back?”
I moaned a little and buried my head in the pillow. “No I totally spaced it but it’s not like I’m in any hurry to walk in on him and two girls at once again. Honestly I’ll be super glad to never have to see Rule’s pierced junk again.”
She snickered a laugh at me and rolled over on to her back so that she was staring at the ceiling. Ayden’s hair was as black as mine was blond and cut in a funky short pixie style. She had big whiskey colored eyes and a heart that was pure gold. Besides Remy she was the best friend I ever had and I loved her for not making me have to lay it all out for her to sift through. She just got it and while she might not understand how I spent my time equally loathing and loving a person that viewed me as nothing more than a nuisance, she never condemned or criticized me for it.
“That boy, he is a handful.”
“I don’t know, maybe the space will be good for me. Maybe time away from the whole family will finally give me the breathing room to kill the way I’ve always felt about him. I can’t spend the rest of my life walking away from other people just because they aren’t Rule.”
“Well I can’t say I’m sorry to see Gabe go, but you do deserve someone that treats you amazing and loves you in all the right ways. You’ve earned it because no one I’ve ever met in my whole life loves as freely and gives as much as you do and seeing as those parents of yours might as well be carved out of ice that’s just a damn miracle. You’re a good girl Shaw and at the very least you deserve a good guy.”
I folded my hands together and laid my cheek down. My head was slowly starting to stop throbbing and all I wanted to do was take a nap and maybe work on processing everything that happened today.
Ayden was right, I did deserve a good guy, I knew what one looked like, knew what one acted like in fact I had been best friends with the ultimate good guy. Remy embodied everything any sane girl would want in a boyfriend and yet I had never had those feelings for him, not once. I remembered clearly the first time he had taken me home with him. I was thirteen and having a really hard time fitting in with all the preppy, rich kids my first year of high school. I knew now that image and brands mattered, but then I just wanted to wear jeans and my hair in a ponytail. Remy had been seventeen and captain of the football team. He found me crying in the girl’s locker room one day after a particularly nasty verbal beat down from Amy and her crew. He didn’t make fun of me, didn’t ask questions or get all weird because I was a freshman and he was a junior he just bundled me up and carted me home with him because I was sad and alone and he didn’t want me to be either of those things ever again. He told me he could tell by my eyes that I was a kind person, that I needed someone to look out for me and from that minute on he decided he would be the person to do it. I remembered all the warm and fuzzy feelings that came with that moment, remembered the gratitude and overwhelming joy I felt at finally having someone see how worthy and deserving of unconditional love I was, but what I remembered most was everything inside me going upside down when Rule walked into the kitchen and titled his chin up at me and asked, “Who’s the chick?”
My heart stopped beating, my lungs felt like they were going to collapse; my skin was suddenly too tight all over my body and I couldn’t form a rational thought or a coherent sentence. Of course then I chalked it up to a silly teenage crush, all the Archer boys were good looking and had qualities that made them larger than life and every girl I knew had to have a prerequisite infatuation with a bad boy at one time or another, of course they normally grew out of it when they realized the bad boy was just an ass and they deserved to be treated better, but as time went on and as things changed my feelings never did. It was clear they were never going to be returned, Rule only saw me as Remy’s little tag along, as a spoiled little rich girl and then as we got older as Remy’s girlfriend, which sucked because I had never been any of those things and as a result I sabotaged relationships, turned down guy after guy simply because I didn’t want a good guy, I wanted the one that was damaged and blind to the way I felt.
I was a good girl, I was loyal and honest, and I worked hard and invested a lot of time and energy in building a secure future for myself. I stayed out of trouble and went out of my way to try and be the polished and perfect daughter my parents wanted me to be and the successful driven woman the Archers had given me the confidence to be, what I never spent any time being was the person that I actually felt like I was. She was locked somewhere deep inside of me, suffocating and still holding on to the hope that Rule would notice she was alive. It was exhausting and on the vulnerable moments when I was brutally honest with myself I had to admit I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep it up.