26
Letting Go
I PRESSED MY NOSE AGAINST HER HAIR AND inhaled the soft, clean scent. I’d been listening to Emma breathe since she drifted to sleep. I knew the sun was up on the other side of the curtains, and she’d probably be waking soon. Sleep never happened for me. The rest of my night was spent reliving every second of our life together – trying to find the moment she started to slip away from me. And I kept coming back to Jonathan.
She’d sought me out last night, obviously nervous, to provide me with the answer to the question. That answer still echoed in my head – she’d left to protect me. So she wouldn’t keep hurting me.
Emma had always had a different way of processing the world and her place in it. I knew pretty much from the beginning that she was going to be a challenge to understand. But that was one of the things that drew me to her. I wanted to understand, to figure her out.
And she’d been letting me in, a question at a time. It was what I’d always wanted from her. I didn’t get what was different now, other than the guilt. The guilt had absolutely changed her.
I looked down at her, wrapping my arm around her waist. She looked so different. It was more than the short hair and thin frame. She seemed so … delicate. My body could surround hers easily, shielding her from whatever harm sought her. But what waited to destroy her was on the inside. And I’d been witnessing the progression of that destruction since the moment I saw her staring out the window of the funeral home.
I didn’t know how to save her from herself. I felt helpless. A feeling that didn’t sit well with me – but one I’d experienced too often when it came to Emma Thomas. Her question plagued me – how many times did I have to keep coming back to be hurt by her before I’d had enough?
I pulled her to me and inhaled her again. ‘But how do I let you go, Emma?’ I whispered into her hair. I still didn’t know the whole truth.
I leaned over her and pushed the loose strands back to see her face. She looked so peaceful, with her dark lashes hiding the torment that lay beneath. I admired her sloping nose and her soft full lips. I could never get over how beautiful she was.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ I murmured just as my phone vibrated on top of the loose change spread on the nightstand. I rolled back quickly and silenced it, afraid it would wake her, but she didn’t move.
Have you seen Emma? I woke up and she’s not here. And she’s not answering her phone.
I picked up the phone lying next to Emma and pushed the display button; the screen remained blank.
I responded to Sara’s text. She’s here. Her phone’s dead.
I draped my arm back around Emma, about to actually try to fall asleep, when my phone vibrated again. I’m coming to get her.
I sighed, knowing Sara wouldn’t stop at the door unless I intercepted her, and I didn’t want to hear it from her if she jumped to conclusions about what happened last night. As much as it killed me to do so, I moved away from Emma and rolled off the bed. I covered her with a blanket and dragged my body upstairs. I was hoping I’d be able to put Sara at ease quickly so I could return to bed before Emma woke.
I rolled onto my back when the door clicked shut.
He was letting me go.
I hadn’t thought it was possible to be any more broken. I exhaled the little air that was left in my lungs and stared at the ceiling. I needed to leave before he came back. I couldn’t face him.
I pushed back the blanket and sat up, shoving myself off the bed. Without looking back, I slipped out the sliding glass door and picked up my shoes on the patio before heading towards the beach.
‘Wow, you look like hell,’ Brent quipped when I appeared in the kitchen.
I ran a hand through my hair and grumbled, ‘Thanks.’
Ren was peeling an orange on the counter. ‘Rough night?’
‘Where’d you disappear to last night?’ I asked, avoiding his question. ‘I swear I didn’t see you for more than a minute.’
‘Met some buddies down on the beach,’ he answered. This was code for: we sat around, talked surfing, and got high all night.
‘So you ditched the party?’ Brent clarified. Ren shrugged lazily.
‘Wanna go surfing?’
‘I’m leaving for the airport in a couple of hours,’ I told him.
‘I’ll go,’ Brent agreed, true to form.
Nate appeared on the stairs, his body moving clumsily and his eyes almost completely closed. I was half convinced he was sleepwalking until he muttered, ‘F*ck. This place is a disaster.’ The house smelled of stale beer and was wrecked, with cups and trash everywhere – the typical after-party effects. I’d seen worse.
‘We’ll pick up the trash,’ Brent assured him. ‘What time is the cleaning crew getting here?’
‘Noon.’ Nate yawned, rubbing his face with both hands.
The front door shook with loud, banging knocks. ‘Holy f*ck! Who the hell is that?’ Nate held the sides of his head, pressing it together like the loud noise might split it open.
‘I got it.’ I sighed, knowing exactly who it was.
‘Where is she, Evan?’ Sara asked impatiently, practically pushing me out of the way.
‘She’s still sleeping,’ I told her, shutting the door behind her.
‘Who?’ Ren asked. Brent and Nate stared at me like I’d confessed to a crime.
‘No. F*cking. Way,’ Brent gaped, shaking his head.
‘Don’t tell me you did what I think you did,’ Nate begged.
‘Relax.’ I held up my hands in defence. ‘We just talked. She fell asleep. And that’s it.’
‘She fell asleep in your bed,’ Sara snapped. Then she said so only I could hear her, ‘Sleeping with her is not going to fix things.’
I released an annoyed breath. ‘What the hell? Nothing happened.’
Sara disappeared down the stairs. I turned towards the guys, who were still staring at me. ‘Are we clening this place, or what?’
‘Emma!’ I heard Sara yell. She was shutting the glass door and hurrying across the patio. I waited for her to catch up before continuing down the stairs.
Sara didn’t say anything to me until we reached the beach. ‘Are you okay?’
I shrugged, not knowing how to answer that question. I felt anything but okay. I felt … lost.
‘Why’d you go back to see Evan last night?’ She watched me carefully. I averted my eyes towards the sand, focused on the receding water sinking into its surface.
‘I decided to tell him why I left. He wanted to know. He deserved to know. So I told him.’
‘What did you tell him exactly?’ Sara asked.
I repeated what I’d said to her two years ago. ‘I left to protect him from being hurt by me again.’ My chest ached repeating it.
‘And … what did he say?’ Sara coaxed gently, like she was pulling on a fragile piece of string and feared which question would leave her with a broken end.
The constriction in my throat kept my answer trapped. I fought the sting of tears in my eyes, blinking up at the clouds.
‘Nothing,’ my voice strained. ‘He didn’t say anything.’
‘You don’t want him to hate you any more, do you?’ Sara asked simply. I shook my head.
‘But I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me either,’ I rasped, crushed by the thought of it. ‘You were right …’
‘About what?’ Sara asked, the sympathy weighing heavily in her voice.
‘Leaving him was the worst mistake of my life.’ I stopped walking, covering my eyes with both hands as I released a silent sob.
‘Are you going to tell me what happened?’ Nate asked, lingering just outside my bedroom as I threw clothes in a bag.
‘No.’ I shook my head, wanting to keep Emma’s confession to myself. ‘But I have a lot of thinking to do.’
‘Did it change your mind?’ he questioned, crossing his arms as he leaned against the doorframe.
‘About this trip? No, this has always been my decision. It doesn’t have anything to do with Emma,’ I replied, having committed to this way before last night. ‘But I’m not sure what’s going to happen when I get back.’
‘That bad?’ Nate interpreted.
I shook my head, ‘No, I just … I need to think.’
‘Whatever happens, Evan,’ Nate said, his voice careful, ‘I won’t let you become that guy again. I saw what she did to you, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t happen again, even if you end up hating me.’
‘I get it,’ I told him. ‘And I won’t ever be like that again. I swear to you.’
He nodded in acceptance. ‘Hey, isn’t your flight taking off kinda soon?’ He stretched his arms above his head.
‘No, it’s this afternoon,’ I responded, stuffing a jacket in my bag. ‘I need to stop by and see Emma before we go.’
‘No problem,’ he agreed. ‘But I swear I thought you said your flight was this morning.’
‘Let me check.’ I took out my phone and pulled up the itinerary my mother had sent. ‘F*ck. My flight’s in an hour. We’ve gotta go.’
‘He just needs time, Em,’ Sara soothed, sitting next to me on the deck, staring at the waves surging against the sand. I nodded absently. ‘Evan will forgive you.’
I wasn’t convinced. Why should he? I’d betrayed him. I’d betrayed both of them. I left Evan instead of letting him in. And I drove Jonathan away, fearful he’d gotten too close. Neither of them had a reason to trust me. Now I was convinced I’d lost them both.
I turned my head towards Sara. She looked back at me sorrowfully, and I began to wonder how long it would be before I did something to hurt her again. She’d always found a way to forgive me, even when I hadn’t been completely honest with her. But there would come a time when I would drive her away too.
‘I’m going to take a shower,’ Sara announced, standing.
‘Okay,’ I replied, remaining on the deck. I pushed away the tears and forced the shroud of numbness over me, but I could still feel the ache deep inside despite my efforts.
I reached for my phone to see if Jonathan had responded to any of my messages or texts. I knew he wouldn’t, but it didn’t stop me from obsessively checking. That’s when I realized I’d left my phone at Evan’s. I grimaced, not ready to go back there just yet. Maybe Sara would get it for me.
I noticed Cole’s door was still closed when I entered the house. It was way past the time he usually got up, but considering how upset I’d made him last night, I decided to leave him alone and continued into Sara’s room.
‘I left my –’ I started to say as I entered the bedroom. Then I caught sight of Sara’s slumped shoulders and teary eyes. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Um … my mother called,’ Sara began. I sat next to her, waiting for her to continue. ‘My grandfather died.’
‘Oh, Sara, I’m so sorry,’ I consoled, taking her hand. She leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder.
‘Thanks. He was old. We knew it was only a matter of time.’ She sighed. ‘There always seemed to be something wrong with him.’ After a moment of reflection she added, ‘God, he was a pain in the ass.’ Which caused us both to laugh. ‘But he was my grandfather, and I loved him.’
‘I know.’ I leaned my head against hers.
‘I have to leave,’ she murmured. ‘My mother’s sending a car to take me to LAX.’
I’d met her grandfather a couple of times over the years. He made me uncomfortable, with his cynicism and complaints about every part of his body failing in some way or another. I didn’t think he liked anyone – except Jared, ironically. Sara took a deep breath before releasing my hand and standing. Although there was a sense of acceptance with her loss, I wanted more than anything to make her feel better.
‘I’ll come with you,’ I told her, hoping to provide even half the comfort that she had while we were in Weslyn.
‘Oh no.’ She shook her head. ‘You have enough drama of your own. You don’t want to be around my crazy family, trust me. I’ll be back in a few days.’
I nodded meekly.
About a half hour later, she was packed. I was walking with her into the living room when a honk came from the driveway. ‘That’s the car,’ Sara told me. ‘I have to go.’ She hesitated a moment to examine me. ‘Go talk to him, Emma. Give him a chance to accept what you said, but then go talk to him.’
I gave a slight nod. She leaned in and hugged me. ‘I’ll be back soon. I’ll call you when I get there, okay?’
‘Sure,’ I said, barely audibly. I watched Sara roll her suitcase behind her and disappear.
Her rejection had stung. The pain zipped through my chest in a quick streak. I was too messed up to even comfort my best friend. She didn’t need me.
Eyeing Cole’s door, I sighed. I didn’t have the energy or will to try to explain what had happened last night. We both knew.
But something didn’t feel right. I walked to his room and knocked gently. Silence. Hesitantly, I opened the door. The bed was neatly made, and the room appeared … too clean. When I walked in further, I saw my things were hanging in the closet, with a few shoes and my tote bag on the floor, but his were missing. I peeked into the bathroom. Everything was cleared out, except for my toothbrush.
I was about to turn around and leave the room when the folded paper caught my eye, resting on the pillow where I slept. I stared at it for a moment, contemplating whether I truly wanted to know what it said, dread twisting in my stomach. I summoned the courage to pick it up and braced myself as I unfolded it.
I agreed to walk away before you hurt me. I won’t let you hurt me, Emma.
I lowered myself on the edge of the bed, feeling the impact of those two simple lines.
‘Cole, I’m so sorry,’ I murmured, accepting the unwritten truth. I had hurt him. But that’s what I did.
I sank onto the couch and pulled the blanket off the back to try to ward off the chill that had overtaken my body. But the iciness in the pit of my stomach couldn’t be thawed as I laid back and stared at nothing.
The sense of being lost seized me again. There was nowhere I belonged. My family didn’t want me. Evan couldn’t forgive me. Sara didn’t need me. The girls didn’t really know me. Jonathan was gone. And Cole had walked away, finally seeing me for who I was.
I felt so … tired. Letting the exhaustion pull at my lids, I closed my eyes and hoped the whispers would let me sleep.
I stared at the phone in my hand. The phone Emma had left on the bed, that I was supposed to return to her before I left for the airport. In the rush to make the flight, I had completely forgotten I had it. I plugged it into my charger and set it on the desk.
The door of the hotel room clicked open. I turned to find Jared with a bag in his hand.
‘Hey,’ I greeted him. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Mom told me to come. She said she’d be here with you, and that she needed to tell us both something.’
‘She does? Any idea what?’ I questioned. I should have suspected Jared was going to be here when I saw she’d reserved a room with two beds. But I was too distracted to give it much thought.
‘No clue,’ Jared admitted. ‘She told me to be here, so I’m here. Then I figured I’d head back to Santa Barbara with you tomorrow.’
‘That works,’ I replied.
Jared plopped down on the other bed, crossing his feet as he leaned against the headboard. ‘So, how is the master plan coming along? Has it blown up in your face yet?’
‘I don’t have a plan,’ I countered in annoyance.
‘You always have a plan, Evan,’ Jared insisted. ‘That’s what you do. You think and overthink everything, strategizing and planning every step of your life. The fact that you took off to Santa Barbara without a plan seems messed up, considering what’s at stake.’
‘I can’t plan her,’ I murmured, staring at her phone again.
I woke suddenly, my eyes scanning the room. I was alone.
I don’t want to be alone. Please don’t leave me alone.
Needing to get my mother’s desperate voice out of my head, I pushed the blanket off me and went out on the deck. The sun was low, spreading golden-orange and red hues across the sky. Although I’d slept most of the afternoon, a tiredness clung to me as I walked along the beach, passing kids running in and out of the water and people sitting along the shore.
I found myself at the stairs along the hill and began climbing. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him. I just didn’t want to be alone, and I had nowhere else to go.
TJ came around the side of the house, carrying a surfboard over his head. He saw me as soon as I stepped onto the patio.
‘Emma!’ he hollered like he was excited to see me. ‘What are you doing? Come to visit us?’
‘Uh,’ I faltered, a little thrown by his enthusiasm. ‘Hey, TJ. Is Evan around?’
‘No,’ he replied, shaking his head like he was confused by my question. ‘He left.’
‘He left?’
‘Yeah, Nate drove him to the airport hours ago.’
‘He left,’ I repeated in a whisper. ‘Okay, thanks.’
Numb, I turned back towards the stairs and let my legs carry me away.
‘You can stay,’ TJ called after me. I raised my hand in form of a wave without looking back, disappearing down the stairs.
‘He left,’ I muttered again, still in shock. He’d decided to let me go.
The darkness crept up and wrapped around my heart. I let it seep in, crushing it until I couldn’t feel the thumping any more. I couldn’t feel anything. The whisper of Sara’s words echoed through the emptiness.
You can’t keep pushing everyone away … because one of these days, you’ll wake up and have no one.
I didn’t remember walking back to the house. I curled up under the blanket on the couch and closed my eyes.
The whispering words filtered through me, feeding on the guilt and sadness that pinned me down. Unable to fend them off, I waited for the void to rise and swallow me into the darkness.
‘That was an eventful day,’ my mother declared, handing her menu to the server who’d just taken our orders.
‘Thank you for letting me do this,’ I said to her, appreciating that she didn’t object to my decision, even though I hadn’t allowed her to be part of the process initially.
‘I understand your reluctance to include me,’ she responded, ‘but I told you that I wasn’t going to stand in your way, and I won’t. I believe you are doing what you think is best.’
Before I could continue the conversation, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I removed it, and my mother scowled at me. She forbade cell phones at the dinner table.
‘I know,’ I said before she could say anything, ‘but I really need to take this. I’m sorry.’
I pushed my chair away from the table, answering, ‘Hi,’ as I sought a more secluded location down the hall leading to the restrooms. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘I was hoping you could tell me that,’ Sara said from the other end. ‘Have you seen Emma today?’
I paused, her question not making any sense. ‘What? Aren’t you with her?’
Sara was silent this time. ‘Evan. Where are you?’
‘San Francisco. Where are you?’
‘At my grandfather’s funeral in New Hampshire.’
‘Oh, wow. Sara, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.’
‘Thank you,’ Sara said, dismissing my condolences quickly. ‘I haven’t been able to get a hold of Emma. I was starting to worry.’
‘I have her phone. Sorry. She left it at the house, and I forgot to give it to her. That’s why you can’t reach her. But she’s with Cole, right? You can call him to talk to her.’
‘I tried,’ she answered. ‘He’s not answering.’
‘Do you want me to have Nate check on her? She could use his phone to call you,’ I suggested.
‘It’s fine. I’m sure she’s okay. I just told her I’d call, and I haven’t spoken with her since I left yesterday.’
‘I’ll be back tomorrow. I’ll stop by when I arrive,’ I informed her. ‘I’m sorry about your grandfather, Sara.’
‘Thanks, Evan,’ she replied.
‘Talk to you later.’
As I was about hang up I heard, ‘Hey, Evan?’
‘Yeah?’
‘I know it’s really not my place to ask you, but … is everything okay between you and Emma? I mean … I know it’s not okay, but you’re not going to stop talking to her or anything, right?’
‘No,’ I answered, perplexed by the question. ‘Uh … why would you think that?’
Sara released a heavy breath. ‘Never mind.’
‘Wait, did she say something? Does she think I’m upset with her?’
She hesitated a moment. ‘Not really. I guess … I just have this weird feeling. I’m sure it’s me being overly protective as usual. I’ll be back on Thursday. I’ll see you then.’
Sara hung up before I could question her further. I knew I’d screwed up when I didn’t get to see Emma before I left, and for not saying anything after she confessed the other night. Sara’s worried tone ate at me. Something wasn’t right with Emma, I knew it too.
I made a call to Nate before returning to the table, asking him to stop by and check on her. He didn’t understand why I was asking, but he promised to do it anyway.
‘Everything all right?’ my mother asked as I sat back down at the table, replaying everything I did, or didn’t do, the night Emma came over.
I redirected my attention to my mother, whose eyes were narrowed in concern. ‘I’m sorry. That was Sara. Her grandfather passed away, so she’s with her family in New Hampshire.’
‘Are you serious?’ Jared interjected. ‘Gus died? Man, I loved that guy.’ He glanced between my mother and me, then blurted, ‘I’ll be right back.’ I saw him pulling his phone from his pocket before he was a foot from the table.
‘Why was she contacting you?’ my mother pursued, always observant of my subtle reactions.
‘I have Emma’s phone, so Sara hasn’t been able to get in touch with her, and she was wondering if I had. She didn’t know I was coming here. No one knew but the guys,’ I explained. Before Jared returned and before my mother could enquire further, I had to ask, ‘What did the letter say?’
My mother’s blue eyes flinched ever so slightly at the question. ‘Which letter are you referencing?’
‘The letter Emma gave to you before she left. I found the envelope. And whatever it said convinced you to change the course of my life. So what did the letter say?’
My mother paused thoughtfully. ‘It was given to me in confidence. It’s not for me to reveal the content. I’m sorry.’
My mother had always had strong principles, and as much as I admired them, at times they could be very frustrating. ‘I understand.’
Jared pulled his chair back and sat down again.
‘So how long do we have you?’ my mother enquired.
‘An hour,’ Jared answered, appearing anxious.
‘Please express my condolences to Sara and her parents,’ my mother requested before taking a sip of her wine. Jared nodded, but refused to look at me.
‘Well, since our time is short, let me share with you the reason we’re here,’ my mother announced. ‘I have decided to sell the house in Weslyn.’
Jared didn’t react. He wasn’t expected to, since he didn’t spend much time there. This statement was directed towards me. Jared was just a buffer for when I said, ‘You can’t.’
My mother remained perfectly poised. ‘I am buying a place in the city, and that house is simply too big now that the two of you are away,’ she explained patiently ‘I’m sorry, Evan.’
‘No.’ I shook my head adamantly, my voice rising slightly. ‘It’s the only place that’s ever felt like a home to me. You can’t sell it.’
‘Evan –’ Jared said in warning, not approving of my tone – filling his role perfectly.
As I paused to collect myself, my mother remained still, silently observing, as she did so well. We’d moved many times throughout my childhood. I never became attached to a house, or friends, with the exception of Nate and the guys.
My parents had offered the private boarding-school option that Jared had chosen so he could continue school with the same group of friends. But I liked to travel, and I didn’t want to leave my mother alone. Everything changed when we moved to Weslyn.
I couldn’t lose the memories I’d made in that house. The thought of never seeing the oak tree again, or walking in the meadow along the brook, was too difficult to fathom. I knew I didn’t have Emma, and I was uncertain if that would ever change. But I still couldn’t let her go, and that’s what I felt would happen if the house was sold. Like everything between us would be erased.
There had to be another way.
‘Would you consider letting me buy the house?’ I asked.
‘Evan, dear, you don’t have access to those funds for another fourteen years,’ my mother reminded me, her expression sympathetic. ‘It wouldn’t be possible sooner without your father’s permission and a –’
‘I know,’ I interrupted. I could already hear his condescending words. ‘But what if we set up payments, or …’ She remained quiet. I knew this was not a decision she was willing to support. At least not tonight.
I walked into the hotel room, dropped my jacket on the chair and loosened my tie. I sat down on the bed and propped my feet in front of me. I wasn’t ready to give up the house in Weslyn – or what was happening between me and Emma. She was just beginning to open up, and I was slowly finding a way to trust her again. The threat of losing the house made it clear that I couldn’t be without her. I couldn’t let her go.
A vibration came from her phone. I walked over to shut it off, and the screen lit up to reveal a list of missed calls and texts. They were mostly from Sara, which was understandable. But the one that kept me staring, unable to blink, was the one that just said, Emma?
I knew it was none of my business. I didn’t have any right to pry, but I pressed the message, and the previous one showed up under it. It was longer. There was only a phone number across the top, but I knew exactly who it was from.
Got your messages and texts. Sorry – life is complicated right now. Unfortunately we can’t go back and change things. Wish we could. I do forgive you. I miss you. Would give anything to hear your voice right now. Won’t be able to contact you again after tonight. Phone will be disconnected soon. Please say you forgive me? It would help to know you do. Emma, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. Hope you believe it.
I wanted to delete it. I wanted to delete him. But I couldn’t. I held down the button to shut the phone off.
I didn’t know what hurt worse. That she’d reached out to Jonathan, asking for forgiveness. Or that she didn’t want that from me – insisting that I hate her. Why would he need to be forgiven? What happened between them?
Now I had a choice. I could let her push me away, fearing she’d continue to hurt me. Or I could fight for us. Convince her that we were worth it. Any pain she could inflict would never come close to the pain of being without her. I could never give up on her … on us.