25
A Little Honesty
MY HEAD WAS CLEAR AND QUIET. ALL I COULD hear was the deep rhythm of my breathing. My heart thumped at a rapid pace in my chest. If I could just push a little harder, maybe I’d be able to escape and allow the light to soak through my skin. Maybe it wouldn’t be so dark any more.
I dug my feet into the sand and sprinted faster, ignoring the plea of my burning muscles. I absorbed the calm as the sun cut through the morning gloom. Just a little faster.
The stairs climbing up the hillside came into view, and I extended my stride. I gave it everything I had until there was nothing left, fuelled by desperation. I picked out a smooth grey rock thrust into the sand. This would be my end point. This would be where I’d find redemption. As I crossed it, I faltered to a stop, my lungs heaving. I rested my hands on my hips and walked back and forth, trying to calm my pounding heart.
As much as I wanted to believe I could outrun the darkness, I knew it was still there, ready to take me. Redemption didn’t wait for me here. But the exertion was enough to provide a sliver of the solace that I sought, at least until night fell and the whispers started again.
I turned around just as Evan stumbled to a stop, bending over and resting his hands on his thighs. ‘Holy shit,’ he gasped. ‘You can never convince me you’re not a morning person again.’
A glimpse of a smile appeared between his panting breaths.
‘I’m not a morning person.’
Evan tilted his head up at me sceptically, sweat dripping from his nose.
‘I’m a person who can’t sleep,’ I explained, taking a deep breath to quicken my recovery.
Evan nodded in understanding.
My eyes drifted down, not sure if he really did. I didn’t like the restlessness that chased away the sleep. The thoughts that crept into my head when all I wanted was to think of nothing. They weren’t nightmares but whispers that haunted me in the dark, not letting me rest, not letting me go, not allowing me to forget.
‘Sorry I didn’t stop by yesterday,’ Evan said, redirecting my attention.
‘It’s okay,’ I responded, trying to sound unaffected, though I’d spent most of the day wondering where he was. My distraction hadn’t gone unnoticed by either Cole or Sara. I’d tried to play it off as still being tired from everything that had happened in the past week. But Sara knew better, although she hadn’t confronted me yet.
‘You’re coming to the party later today, right?’ Evan asked, walking towards the stairs.
My cheeks reddened at the thought of seeing his friends again. ‘Yeah, we’ll be over later.’
‘Okay,’ he said from the bottom of the stairs, hesitating before turning away.
‘Evan,’ I called to him, making him pause a few steps up. ‘We didn’t get to talk for a few days, so we technically have eleven days left. We can now … if you want to.’ We hadn’t exchanged a moment of honesty since the beginning of the week. I didn’t know why I offered. It’s not like I enjoyed torturing myself, recounting all of the destructive choices I’d made.
‘No.’ Evan shook his head. ‘I don’t want to do that any more.’ I opened my mouth, not expecting his response. ‘I don’t hate you, Emma, and I don’t want to. And I’m not going to force you to tell me things that you don’t want to tell me. Of course I want to know why you left, and what kept you away. But only if you want to tell me.’
‘Okay,’ I whispered, my chest tightening with his concession.
‘I’ll see you later,’ Evan said, and began climbing the stairs.
I nodded, then walked back towards Cole’s. My feet suddenly felt very heavy. I should’ve been relieved that he wasn’t going to force me to open up any more. But I wasn’t. I didn’t understand it. It almost felt like he was … done. I hadn’t expected him to give up so easily. But that’s what he’d wanted from the beginning – closure. I drew in a quick breath, my heart twisting at the thought of it. I should’ve been prepared for this. But I wasn’t.
‘How was your run?’ Nate asked, sipping a cup of coffee at the kitchen counter.
‘Pretty good,’ I answered, the corner of my lip creeping up.
‘What’s that look for?’ he demanded, knowing me too well. ‘Let me guess. You didn’t run by yourself?’
‘No.’ I laughed lightly. ‘I ran with Emma, and it was … good.’ My mouth released the smile it was trying to hide. ‘She’s amazing out there when she runs. I don’t know how to describe it.’ I got lost in the image of her lean, strong legs propelling her forward, as if she could run forever. It was the only time she ever appeared to be at peace. I pulled my shoulders back in surprise when someone patted me on the back.
‘Good morning,’ Brent said brightly. Brent was always way too awake, no matter what time it was. ‘What are we doing today?’
‘Uh, getting ready for a party,’ Nate told him like he was an idiot. ‘The inventory in the closet downstairs is low. We need to go shopping. And I have no idea where the tiki torches went, so we may have to pick up new ones.’
‘What’s the theme?’ Brent asked, pouring coffee into a mug.
‘Summer,’ Nate replied simply. ‘That’s a good enough theme for me. But we’re starting early, so it’ll be a pool party.’
‘So the ladies will come sit by the pool wearing their bikinis,’ Brent stated, nodding while wearing an obnoxious smile. ‘Genius.’
‘That’s all you think about,’ I said, grabbing a sports drink out of the refrigerator.
‘Yeah, it is.’ He looked at me like I was crazy. ‘You wait until you see the girls show up wearing practically nothing, and tell me you’re not thinking about it too.’
Nate glanced at me and smirked. ‘He won’t be thinking about it.’
I glared at him. ‘Shut up, Nate.’
‘What’s going on?’ Brent asked.
‘Emma’s here,’ Nate said, making Brent choke on his coffee.
‘If you’re not going to stop sulking, then I’m leaving you here,’ Sara scolded while curling my hair.
‘I’m not sulking. And I want to go.’ Oddly enough, I did. I twisted my fingers nervously in my lap, anxious about seeing the guys … about seeing Evan again.
‘Something happened, and you’re not telling me. I know –’
‘The two weeks are over,’ I blurted, watching her reaction in the mirror, hating the fact that I was so transparent to her.
‘Uh, no they’re not,’ Sara responded in confusion. ‘You have like ten days left.’
‘He said he didn’t want to do it any more,’ I replied quietly. ‘So … it’s over.’
Sara stood still, the curling iron in her hand, examining me in the mirror. ‘And why does that make you so upset? I would figure you’d be relieved not to have to confess everything you should have told him the first time around.’
I made a face and opened my mouth to deny that it bothered me, but I knew she wouldn’t believe me. I connected with her blue eyes in the mirror and shrugged. And that’s all she needed. She smiled consolingly. ‘It’s not over, Emma.’
‘Hey,’ Cole hollered from the living room, causing us both to jump. ‘What time are we heading over there?’
‘Uh, we’ll be out in a few minutes,’ I yelled back, flashing my eyes guiltily at Sara.
‘You’re not dating,’ she stated.
‘Sara!’
‘What? They’re your words,’ she said innocently.
I sighed. This was about to get even more complicated. ‘You officially look gorgeous,’ Sara announced, admiring me through the mirror. ‘Now let’s go and have a ridiculously good time. We haven’t laughed nearly enough this summer.’
I smiled, inspecting her work. ‘Thank you, Sara.’ I turned towards her on the stool we’d taken from the kitchen. ‘For everything.’
Sara smiled back. I jumped down and slid on a pair of wedged sandals. ‘Let’s go.’
‘Evan, can you grab me more Coronas?’ Nate hollered from across the pool. I nodded and excused myself through the bare shoulders and surf shorts towards the downstairs entrance. The crowd parted for me again when I returned a few minutes later with a couple of cases stacked in my arms.
‘I always love your parties,’ a girl beside the bar sighed to Nate as I shoved bottles into tubs of ice.
‘We like it when you show up, Reese,’ Nate returned genuinely, not boldly flirtatious. A moment later I heard, ‘Shit, Evan.’
‘What?’ I stood up, expecting to have to intervene in a fight or something. Nate was staring up at the deck, so I followed his eyes … and lost my breath.
‘Dude, you’re in trouble,’ he muttered, still staring.
I couldn’t deny it when I saw her walking behind Sara down the stairs. The pink and orange floral sarong hung low on her hips, splitting open to mid-thigh with each step to reveal a sculpted tan leg. The strapless orange top clung to her body, revealing just a hint of bronze skin around her waist. Her usually straight hair was tossed in curls, with one side pinned up by a pink flower. I stared way too long as they made their way towards us – until I felt Nate’s elbow in my ribs, jolting me out of my ogling.
My eyes connected with Emma’s, and I grinned. ‘Hi, Em. You look great.’
‘Thanks,’ she responded, dipping her eyes while a flush of red flooded her cheeks.
‘Hey, Evan,’ Sara greeted me, a question looming in her eyes. It confused me.
She made me feel like I’d done something wrong. I held my hands up and mouthed, What?
Sara answered with a withering glance. Emma looked towards Sara and back to me, catching the end of our exchange.
‘What can I get you to drink, Emma?’ Nate finally asked, breaking the awkward tension.
‘Umm …’ I examined Sara for a second longer, as she tried to hide whatever had just happened between her and Evan. ‘What’s that?’ I asked, pointing to a girl behind Sara carrying a pink drink.
‘That’s a pink lemonade drink we came up with for today,’ Nate said.
‘I’ll have one of those,’ I requested – and saw Evan’s eyebrows rise.
My cheeks flared up recollecting the last time he’d seen me drink. ‘We talked about it,’ Sara said, intervening. Sara and I’d made a pact before we left, and I assured her that I could drink responsibly. Now was my chance to prove it.
Nate made Sara and I each a pink drink with a neon green straw and a tiny umbrella. ‘Thanks, Nate.’ I couldn’t look at Evan for more than a second. My cheeks were about to catch fire when I saw him behind the bar without his shirt on. I was warned this was a pool party, but I wasn’t prepared for that. It was the first time I’d seen him shirtless since I’d arrived in California, and he’d put on some … muscle in two years. I took a breath to cool my cheeks and scanned the pool. ‘Wow, there’s a lot of girls here. And they’re practically naked.’
Sara laughed and pulled me after her to find a spot in the shade. We sat on two chairs under an umbrella, sipping our drinks among the oiled bodies splayed around the pool and floating on rafts atop the water. I hadn’t realized they made swimsuits that small. My eyes widened at the sight of a girl with a string covering only the parts that mattered. Then she turned around, and I realized it didn’t cover all of them.
‘Does a string up your butt qualify as a bathing suit?’
‘Well, she can wear whatever she wants with a body like that,’ Sara said, unfazed.
Cole joined us after stopping to talk to a few people he knew. He hung his shirt off the back of a chair and pulled it up next to me, but out from under the shade of the umbrella. He was drawing some attention of his own, and the girls weren’t exactly being subtle about it.
‘Have you been to these parties before?’ I asked him, shocked at how obvious the girls around us were being.
‘It’s California,’ he replied, unaffected.
‘Seriously?’ I questioned, making an effort to close my mouth.
Cole chuckled. ‘This is your first pool party?’ I nodded. ‘Yeah, this is pretty typical around here.’
‘How can you not stare?’ I asked him, having a hard time not staring myself.
‘I’d rather not have it blatantly flaunted in front of me, especially when I’ve seen –’ His eyes ran the length of my body.
‘Okay, I got it,’ I interrupted him, adjusting my wrap to cover my exposed leg as Sara just about choked on her drink. Cole laughed, and he leaned over and kissed me gently. Peeking out of the corner of my eye to make sure Evan wasn’t watching, I barely moved my lips to return his kiss. Cole pulled back with a confused expression.
I darted my eyes around with a rise of my eyebrows, trying to make it appear I was uncomfortable with the PDA.
‘Yeah, sorry,’ he said, leaning back in the chair.
Sara took a sip of her drink concealing her slight grin, but not before I saw it.
I couldn’t help but look for her. No matter who I was talking to, or where I was, I’d keep glancing around the room, or the deck, or the patio, seeking her out. Cole caught me more than once, which made it more than awkward.
‘You’re Evan, right?’ I turned my head away from Emma, who was leaning against the railing, sipping the drink in her hand, and focused on the tall blonde in front of me.
‘Uh, yeah. Can I get you a drink?’ I asked, wondering when TJ was returning to take over for me behind the bar.
‘Will you do a shot with me?’ she asked, leaning over and setting her elbows on the bar so that I’d get of view of …everything.
I kept my eyes on hers, not tempted to look anywhere else.
‘It’s still too early for me to do a shot, sorry,’ I told her, causing her to pout, which was anything but attractive. ‘Do you want one anyway?’
‘I suppose,’ she sulked. ‘Tequila.’ I poured the clear liquid in a plastic shot glass and set it in front of her with a lime. ‘My name is Kendra, by the way.’
‘Nice to meet you, Kendra,’ I responded with a false smile.
‘You have amazing eyes,’ she flirted, slowly licking the back of her hand and pouring salt on it.
‘Thanks,’ I replied, looking past her to find Emma waiting behind her, her eyes darting around uneasily. I grinned.
‘Hey, Em,’ he called to me, despite the fact that the girl was still lingering in front of him. I was convinced she was a model, with her towering lean height and taut body. ‘Do you need another drink?’
I poked my head around the bony shoulder and nodded. ‘Please. And a water too.’
The leggy blonde leaned over and said, ‘For later, when you are ready.’ She set a napkin in front of Evan and walked away, moving her hips to accentuate the curves she didn’t have.
‘Uh …’ I fumbled, noticing the phone number she’d set in front of him.
Evan used the napkin to pick up the lime she’d left on the bar and stuffed it in the empty shot glass before throwing it away.
‘Having fun?’ he asked, not appearing affected by what had just happened. I stood in front of him, beyond uncomfortable. I could only nod, awaiting my drink.
Evan noticed my inability to speak and smiled in that amused way he did. ‘You saw that, huh?’
I pressed my lips together and nodded again. It was all I could seem to do.
‘Not interested.’ Evan raised a shoulder, grinning at me again. He turned to pull a bottle of water from the tub behind him and prepared my drink. I glanced around to keep from watching him, while I waited. He handed me a cup with an umbrella in it, wrapped in a napkin.
‘Thanks,’ I uttered barely audibly, and walked away.
When I returned to the chair, I peeled off the napkin, which was already getting wet, about to crumple it up when I noticed the blue ink. A phone number was smeared across it, along with FOR LATER, EVAN. I let out a laugh, drawing Sara’s attention.
‘What’s so funny?’ she demanded, studying me carefully.
I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as I shook my head dismissively. I folded the napkin in half and concealed it beneath the edge of my strapless top. It occurred to me that I didn’t have his phone number saved in my phone, and I should hold on to it. Besides, it was funny.
‘You don’t want to tell me, do you?’ Sara snapped, feigning offence. I glanced at Cole, who was in a surfing conversation with the guy standing in front of him. Sara noticed and nodded in understanding. ‘Later.’ I nodded in return.
After a day of drinks and sun, night fell and the party escalated to a new level. Many of the girls opted to change, while others continued to flaunt their bikini-clad bodies. The guys who’d spent the day surfing arrived to provide a little more gender balance, much to Brent’s disappointment.
The inside became the dance floor, as intended. I leaned against the wall, taking a look around, and was about to take a sip, when I stopped with the bottle pressed against my lips. Emma twirled under Sara’s arm, laughing. My breath faltered at the sight of her body moving to the rhythm, rocking her hips in a pair of low-riding white shorts. She revealed more of her flat stomach, her arms swaying in the air.
‘You gotta look away right now,’ Nate demanded in my ear. I jerked my head towards him.
‘What?’
‘Dude, he’s about to kick your ass,’ Nate warned quietly, his eyes flicking across the room. I looked over to find Cole glaring at me.
‘Shit,’ I muttered, turning away. ‘I couldn’t help it. I’ve never seen her move like that.’
‘Maybe you should get behind the bar,’ Nate advised. I nodded and cut through to the far end of the room.
‘Hey, Evan!’ TJ greeted me. ‘You taking over for me?’
‘Yeah,’ I replied, trying to calm.
‘Wanna do a shot with me before I go? You look like you could use one.’
‘Sure,’ I answered without hesitation. He poured us shots of tequila.
TJ held up his glass before slinging it back, then shaking off the bite. ‘Emma looks frickin’ hot, by the way.’
‘Yeah, thanks, TJ,’ I grumbled.
TJ laughed. ‘That’s why you needed the shot, isn’t it? F*ck, man. If you’re going to try to avoid checking her out, then you definitely need a few more shots. I’ll do another with you just to help you out.’
I smiled. ‘Thanks for sacrificing yourself for me.’ I poured us another shot and swallowed it down, breathing out the tequila through my teeth. ‘I’m not sure that’s going to help.’
‘Well, it’ll take out some of the sting when she goes home with Cole tonight,’ TJ remarked, laughing.
‘F*ck you, TJ,’ I shot back, making him laugh harder. ‘You can leave the bar now.’
‘No problem,’ he responded, slipping into the crowd.
‘Do you want another drink?’ Sara yelled to me over the noise of the crowd and the music.
I paused to consider where I was in the spectrum of drunkenness. ‘Will you split one with me?’
‘Yeah,’ Sara said, taking my hand to lead me to the bar.
Before we neared it, Cole caught my other hand and asked, ‘Dance with me?’
I looked up at him in surprise and nodded, never having seen him dance before. He led me through the crowd to the middle of the dance floor and held me close. I draped my arms around his neck, and his breath tickled my skin. We slowly moved to the beat, our bodies pressed tight with his hands cradling my hips.
‘Are you still planning to find your friend in New York?’ he asked with his mouth close to my ear.
‘Honestly, I’m not even sure where to look for him,’ I responded, my eyes dipping towards the floor. ‘And I think I’m too late … again.’
Cole sensed my change in demeanour and pulled me closer, kissing my neck. ‘I’m sorry.’
His hips rocked against mine. I slid my hand down to rest on his chest and could feel his heart beating faster. That’s when I realized that mine wasn’t. My pulse was even, and my skin wasn’t tingling like it usually did when he touched me. I looked up in surprise. His clear blue eyes inspected mine. He knew it too.
Cole stopped moving and dropped his hands. He kept his focus on me, waiting for me to say something. But I remained silent, still stunned with the realization that our connection was gone. And he heard every unspoken word.
Cole shook his head in disbelief. ‘Really? That’s it?’ I reached for him, but he moved back a step. ‘Don’t bother.’ He brushed past me and pushed his way through the crowd, leaving me standing motionless, looking after him.
The dancing bodies filled in the empty space, moving around me as I remained perfectly still, shocked by what had just happened.
‘Hey,’ Sara hollered, parting the crowd with the drink held out in front of her. ‘Here.’ She handed me the cup and I took a long sip. ‘Where’s Cole?’ She scanned the crowd in search of him.
‘He left,’ I told her.
She drew her brows together. ‘Why? What happened?’
‘Nothing,’ I answered simply. ‘Nothing happened.’ And that was the problem. I sighed guiltily.
‘Dance with me,’ Sara exclaimed, taking my hand and spinning me around to distract me, replacing the guilt with a subtle swirl in my head. Sara offered me the cup again, and I shook my head, not needing to add to it.
I closed the bedroom door behind me, shutting out the laughter and music that was still going on upstairs. I’d pulled the liquor from the outside bar and let the guys take care of the one upstairs, since Brent and TJ were still ‘entertaining’. Nate and Ren had passed out a while ago. I couldn’t recall seeing Ren most of the night, but that’s how it usually was with him.
I stripped off my shirt, threw it in the corner and emptied my shorts’ pockets, dumping the contents on the nightstand next to the bed, along with my phone. I kicked off my shoes and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
When I came back into the bedroom, my phone was lit up. I picked it up and found, Is it later yet? displayed across the screen. I paused, not recognizing the California number. I released a deep breath, wondering if one of the guys had handed out my number.
Then I realized I had.
It IS later. Where are you?
I waited for her to respond. And my brows raised when my phone lit up again with, Outside your room.
I walked over to the curtain, slid it back and grinned when Emma waved to me from the other side of the sliding glass door.
‘Hi,’ I said when he opened the door, my heart beating a million miles a minute. I’d told myself this was a bad idea for the past half hour, but still found my way from the beach back up to this patio, staring at his room – and eventually texting him when I saw his light turn on. I was convinced I’d die if he was in there with another girl.
‘Hi,’ Evan responded, his breathtaking grin greeting me. ‘What are you doing out here?’
‘Umm … nothing.’
Evan laughed. ‘Are you lost?’
‘Most likely,’ I answered, shuffling my bare feet.
‘Would you like to come in?’ he offered. I lifted my eyes, having a hard time looking at him without his shirt on. My heart skipped several beats and my entire face lit on fire. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘Sure,’ I finally muttered, averting my eyes to avoid getting lost in the deep curves of his chest and intricate lines of his stomach. I took a breath and forced myself forward into his room while he held back the curtain for me.
Evan slid the door closed and replaced the curtain. I looked around the room nervously, trying to find the courage to say what I’d been saying over in my head for the past hour and a half as I roamed the beach.
She was nervous. Adorably nervous. I had no idea why she was in my room, but I wasn’t about to turn her away. The flower was gone and the curls tossed loosely around her head. I glanced at her bare feet and noticed the sand on them. Emma’s eyes scanned every inch of the room, avoiding looking at me.
‘Emma?’
She turned towards me, darting her eyes from the floor up to my face and back down. I tried not to laugh, but it was quite amusing. ‘Are you drunk?’
‘A little,’ she admitted shyly. ‘Are you?’
‘A little,’ I repeated. The shots having done their job.
‘That’s kinda good,’ she said, biting at her full lower lip, which was making it really difficult not to look at it.
‘Why’s that?’
‘It’ll make it easier,’ she responded cryptically. She was going to make me pull it out of her, I could tell. I took a shallow breath, recognizing I needed to draw on my patience.
‘Make what easier?’ I asked gently.
‘Can we, umm, shut off the lights?’ she asked suddenly, taking me by surprise.
‘I suppose,’ I said in confusion, ‘but then we’ll be standing in the dark.’
I frowned at my patheticness. How was I supposed to talk to him without looking at him? And I couldn’t look at him if he didn’t put a shirt on.
Before I changed my mind or asked if he’d put a shirt on, which I knew was going to sound even more ridiculous, Evan offered, ‘We could sit on the bed … in the dark … if you want, so then, well … what did you come here for, Emma?’
I couldn’t breathe. I nodded and moved towards the bed, not answering his question. My mind was swirling with panic, and I couldn’t form a cohesive sentence. I was going to pass out before I even uttered a single word, and then all the courage I’d mustered to walk up here would be for nothing.
I plopped down on the bed and waited for Evan to shut off the light.
I clicked the light off and noticed she was lying on the bed instead of sitting. I scooted onto the bed beside her. She was perfectly still, with her head on the pillow across from me. It was too dark to see her face, but I could hear her quick breaths, like she was getting all worked up. I knew her brain must be in overdrive, figuring out what to do next.
‘Better?’ I asked in a whisper.
‘Yeah,’ Emma answered quickly. After a moment, my eyes adjusted to the dark. The glow seeping through the curtain provided enough light for me to see her silhouette.
Emma shifted on her back and began playing with her hands like she did when she was nervous. I waited. She remained silent. Eventually, she turned back on her side to face me, a little closer than she was before. I could feel her breath on my lips.
‘Are you still kinda drunk?’ she asked softly, making me laugh.
‘Kinda,’ I replied. She was silent again. ‘Why?’
‘Are you more honest when you’re kinda drunk?’
‘Umm … I suppose,’ I answered, intrigued by where this was headed.
‘Me too,’ she spouted nervously. ‘Will you tell me one thing that you normally wouldn’t say to me if you weren’t kinda drunk, so that I know that you are?’
I smiled at her request. ‘Okay,’ I could feel my body respond to her closeness, and drew in a breath. ‘I’d really like to kiss you,’ I whispered, my heart thumping louder.
Her breathing faltered as I reached over and ran my hand along her cheek.
I closed my eyes to his touch, unable to breathe properly. I actually wasn’t convinced I was breathing at all. ‘I don’t want you to kiss me,’ I said in a whisper, my heart contradicting my words with its frantic fluttering.
‘Okay,’ he responded, pulling his hand away.
I almost regretted saying it as the warmth of his touch disappeared, but I forced myself to focus, and said, ‘Because … I came here … to tell you something.’
He was quiet. Almost too quiet. I was about to lose my nerve when he murmured, ‘I’m listening.’
I took a breath of courage and said, ‘I left to protect you.’
Evan was quiet again. I could see his outline in the dark, watching his shoulder rise and fall as he breathed evenly. ‘From what?’
‘Me,’ I said, my voice catching. I had convinced myself I could tell him, to give him the answer he wanted most, and do it without breaking down. But I knew now that wasn’t going to be possible.
‘I don’t understand,’ he responded, his voice cautious.
‘I think I’m doing the right thing. But I never do. Every decision I’ve made to protect the people I care about has been wrong. And I only end up hurting them.’ My throat closed in around those last words.
This is what we do. We hurt people.
I fought to regain my composure. ‘How many times did I have to hurt you, Evan? How many times were you going to keep coming back so I could do it again?’ I inhaled a quick breath as the tears broke the barrier and rolled over the bridge of my nose, soaking into the pillow. ‘I was doing to you the same thing my mother did to me. And I couldn’t let you keep coming back for more. I couldn’t continue to hurt you. The only way to save you was to leave.’
The admission that I was as destructive as my mother twisted my heart. I never wanted to be her. But more of her ran through my veins than I ever wanted to admit. And I needed to push him away before I left him as broken and empty as I’d become.
I tucked my face into the pillow so he wouldn’t hear my jagged breaths. My entire body tightened against the ache that crept through my muscles. Honesty hurt.
His silence slowly tortured me as my body shook next to him.
I didn’t know what to say. I clenched my jaw as I fought not to touch her, unsure if I should. The muscles along my back were rigid with an anger that I could not deny. I was at conflict with two emotions: the one that wanted to comfort her and keep her from hurting, and the one that was furious that she’d left me, making me suffer all this time without ever taking into account what she was truly doing to me.
Her cries were muffled in the pillow, and I could see her body quiver. In that moment of pause, I knew which side would win. It always would. I moved closer and pulled her in to me, shushing her tears away. She cried against my chest as I wrapped her in my arms and tried to assuage her guilt. The guilt that broke my heart two years ago. The guilt that I would have to fight in order to save us both.