Chapter Seventeen: Melanie
The night after talking with Dr. Leighton was the first night I fell asleep without a shot. But it wasn’t a restful sleep. I wish I could say it was because I was no longer tripping on pain medicine, but it was because I dreamed of nothing but Will.
I saw his face as clearly as if he were right in front of me. His dark eyes, his wavy brown hair, the dimples in his cheeks when he smiled. And he was always smiling in the dream. We both were. It was so vivid I could feel his touch as we walked hand in hand. His smooth fingers gliding over mine, intertwining as he brought his lips to mine.
Just as we began kissing intently, I began to wake up. No, not now! I pinched my eyes shut, unwilling to release myself from the dream. It was still so real I could smell his cologne. “Will,” I moaned.
A sound in the room caused my eyes to snap open. They darted frantically around until I saw a shadowy figure in the chair beside me. I gasped.
“Will?”
He leaned forward. In the faint bedside light, I could see tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Is it really you? Am I still dreaming?” I asked, reaching out my hand. I didn’t believe it until my fingers touched his.
“No, it’s me,” he whispered.
I shook my head. “I’ve dreamed about you all night. I-I’ve missed you so much.”
He didn’t respond.
“I-I’m sorry, Will. I’m so, so sorry!” I cried.
At my apology, his head snapped up. He was at the bed in an instant, grabbing me into his arms. “Don’t you dare say that! You have nothing to be sorry for!”
For the first time since being in the hospital, I felt safe. I wrapped my arms around Will’s back and squeezed until I thought I couldn’t breathe. When he started to pull away, I grabbed him. “No! No, please don’t stop. Please, just hold me,” I begged.
He nodded. Slipping off his boots, he climbed into the bed beside me and gathered me into his arms.
And then I lost it. Sobs shook my body as my tears soaked through his shirt. “Shh, don’t cry, Mel. Please don’t cry,” he murmured in my ear.
“I thought I’d lost you,” I said, my voice muffled in his neck. He hadn’t shaved, and the stubble felt rough against my cheek.
“No, you’ll never lose me,” he replied.
I stared up into his face. “But why haven’t you been to see me?”
Will refused to meet my gaze. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want me.”
“How could you think that? You’re everything to me!” I protested.
Tears spilled over his cheeks. “But I was afraid that every time you looked at me, you’d think of him and what he did to you.”
“No, you’re wrong. I don’t think that at all, Will. When you weren’t here…” I shuddered. “I didn’t want to live anymore.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. “Don’t say that, Mel. You have so much to live for besides me!” he argued. “Besides, if you took your life, then that bastard would have taken everything from me!”
Somehow I found the courage to ask the question I was dying to know. “Does he know what happened to me?” But what I really wanted to ask was if Coach T knew I’d told the truth.
Will understood what I meant. “Yes, he knows.”
I closed my eyes. “What did he say?”
“Mel…”
“Please, Will, I want to know.”
He drew in a ragged breath. “He called you a lying bitch. He told me you’d come on to him—that you’d told him you’d always loved him…”
My voice was barely a whisper. “What else?”
“No,” he countered. “It’s too awful.” When I continued staring intently at him, Will sighed. “He said you begged him to be your first—that you wanted to be with a real man, not me.”
Instead of Will’s voice, I heard Coach T’s ringing in my ear, “Will’s just a boy. You need a man to teach you about love.” My hand flew to my mouth. Then I raced from the bed. I made it to the toilet just in time to throw up. Over and over I heaved. It was like a bad deja vu moment of the last time Will and I had been together.
Just like before, he was at my side. But this time was different. This was a different Will—a broken and defeated one. After I rinsed my mouth, his haunted eyes met mine in the mirror. “Why, Mel? Why did you make me tell you that?” He shook his head. “I can’t be with you if I’m only going to cause you pain!”
I turned around to face him. “No, you had to tell me. There can’t be anymore secrets between us.”
His face paled. “There’s something I need to tell you. And after I say it, you may not want to be with me anymore.”
My heart shuddered to a stop in my chest. “W-What are you talking about?”
Will swayed back and forth in the doorway. His hesitation drove me to the brink of what sanity I had left. “Tell me!” I demanded.
“It happened before.”
“What happened?”
Will’s expression pained. “My dad and a young girl.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “When?”
“When I was in middle school.”
I gasped. “Did he get brought in on charges?”
“No, she never came forward.”
“Well, if she never came forward, how do you know?”
Will pinched his eyes shut. “Because I caught them.”
My hand involuntarily covered my mouth. “You did?”
“Yes,” he croaked. He whirled out of the bathroom. I followed close behind him. He sank down on the bed and put his head in his hands. I sat down beside him and draped my arm over his shoulders.
“Will, tell me what happened.”
“It was late after one of my games. Dad said he couldn’t come watch me because he had a special practice for the upcoming tournaments. Instead of riding the bus back with the team, I caught a ride home with Paul. My grandfather was dying of cancer, so my mom was out of town a lot. When I unlocked the front door, I heard these noises…And then I saw him.” He met my horrified gaze. “She was a senior and his star.”
“Like me,” I murmured.
Will nodded.
“Was he raping her?”
Will’s face reddened. “No, from what I saw, it was—uh, it was consensual. But even so, she screamed the moment she saw me. Dad whirled around.” Will shook his head. “He told me to get the f*ck out of there. So I did. I ran all the way to Paul’s house where I spent the night.”
“The next morning when he came to pick me up, he told me it was a mistake, and it wasn’t ever going to happen again. But then he said if I told, it would just be heartache for everyone and that he could lose his job and the girl would get into a lot of trouble.” Will smiled bitterly. “The son of a bitch even guilt-tripped me by saying it would break my mother’s heart when she was already so sad over my grandfather.”
I ran my hand over his back. “And you never told?”
He stared straight ahead. “No, I never said a word.” When he turned to look at me, tears welled in his eyes. “It’s my fault, Mel. If I had said something, he would’ve been put away, and he could never have done this to you.”
I shook my head. “It isn’t your fault. You were just a kid, and you didn’t want to hurt your father or your mother.”
Will’s fists tightened into balls, and he pounded his thighs over and over again. “It is all my fault! I mean, I knew all of this when Jordan accused him, but I thought she was lying. I figured they were together just like he’d been with that other girl. But you…not you. I could’ve done something.”
I put both my hands on each side of Will’s face and forced him to look at me. “Stop it. I won’t let you blame yourself.”
“Yeah, but I bet you’re sure as hell still taking all the blame over that bastard.”
My gaze dropped to the blanket. “I..I can’t help it.”
A growl came from low in Will’s throat. “When I found out what he had done…I wanted to kill him.” He choked on his sobs. “I still want to kill him. A long, slow death where he’s tortured for what he did to you.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?”
I sighed. “If you killed him, it wouldn’t take away what happened. It’s always going to be there. And if we’re going to stay together, you’re going to have to accept that.”
He stared into my eyes. “But how can I accept it? How can I ever be at peace with the fact my father—my flesh and blood—raped the only girl I’ve ever loved?”
“I don’t know how.” I shook my head sadly. “I don’t have all the answers yet. Maybe I never will. But I’m going to try.”
“You are?”
I stared down at my hands. “Yeah, there’s a really nice therapist who has been around to talk to me.” I peered up to meet Will’s shocked eyes. “I really like her. And she’s trying to help me get better,” I explained.
“That’s good.”
“Yeah, it is.”
I nervously chewed on my lip, remembering something Dr. Leighton brought up in our last session. “Will?”
“Hmm.”
“If I asked you to do something, would you do it for me?”
“Of course…anything.”
I drew in a deep breath before asking, “Would you come to therapy with me?”
He tensed up next to me before pulling away. “Why?”
“It would be good for you…for us.”
“I don’t know, Mel…I’m not one of these people who believes in feeling a bunch of shit or telling my life story to some stranger.”
I nodded. “No, you’re right. I shouldn’t have asked.”
He exhaled noisily. “Now don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Pretend that you really don’t want me to do something when I know deep down you do.” His lips curved into a smile. “You’re a terrible liar, Mel.”
“I’m sorry for lying. And you’re right. I do want you to come with me, but you don’t have to say anything. I just want you there for support.”
“All right, I think I can handle that.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
He eyed the clock on the wall. “Geez, it’s after four. I guess I better be getting home.”
Closing my eyes, I pressed my nose against his neck and inhaled of his comforting scent. “Why don’t you stay?”
He didn’t answer me. I pulled away to look in his face. “Will?”
His expression was pained. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, considering the circumstances and all.”
“But I like having you here with me. You make me feel safe, like I’m at home.” To prove there wasn’t any reason why he couldn’t stay, I brought my lips to his. I pulled away and whispered, “Stay.”
He answered my request by wrapping his arms tightly around me. And that night, Will and I slept together for the first time. We weren’t sharing a bed after our “first time” sexual experience like I always thought we would. Instead, this time together was about different needs and desires.