Chapter Eleven
The scenery became an emerald blur, as I stared out the window of the bus. It was kinda ironic, as the last few hours, after I’d stormed away from Abby at the hospital, had been a painful blur as well. Well, painful didn’t quite cut it. In the moment, it had been f*cking agony hearing her admit to stopping her birth control, and now hours later, the ache still hurt so bad it was hard to breathe.
I hadn’t gone home or even to our apartment in the city. Instead, I had just walked around downtown Atlanta—gone to Centennial Park, watched the kids playing in the water fountain. A few people recognized me and asked for autographs, but for the most part, I was isolated and alone in my torment. I’d finally headed back when it was almost time for the bus to pull out.
Abby had stood beside our bus with Angel on her leash. Her eyes were puffy and swollen from crying. “Jake, please, talk to me,” she began, but I kept walking right past her. Instead, I did what I did best, which was basically shut people out and be an a*shole. I had climbed onto AJ and Mia’s bus without a word to her.
At the sight of me, Mia raised her eyebrows to AJ, but neither one of them said anything. I eased down at the table where Bella was eating a snack and coloring. “Want some?” she asked, pushing the plate of animal crackers my way.
“No thanks, sweetheart.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw AJ and Mia having a quiet, but heated discussion. She threw her hands up before stalking over to me. “I think you’re lost.”
“Excuse me?”
She narrowed her dark eyes at me. “I said, I think you’re lost. This isn’t your usual bus. You remember, the one you and your wife ride on.”
I glanced over at AJ who shook his head like he wasn’t about to get into it with Mia by taking my side. “Please Mia, I need some time, okay?”
She huffed out a frustrated breath that ended almost in a growl. “What I would say to you right now if it wasn’t for her,” she said, pointing to Bella. She then stalked away from me over to the kitchen, and for the next hour, she ignored me. But I didn’t really mind as long as she wasn’t yelling at me. I focused my energy on staring out the window and trying to process what in the hell had happened to my life.
When I felt a tug on the pants leg of my jeans, I glanced down to see Bella staring up at me. She had abandoned her place on the couch with AJ where they had been watching movies. “Hey sweetheart,” I said. I bent over to pick her up and ease her down on my lap. Her jet-black eyes surmised me before she cocked her head at me.
“Why u sad?” she asked.
Great, I didn’t even begin to imagine how I was going to explain this one. “Do you think I’m sad?”
Her dark ponytail bobbed up and down as she nodded. Leaning over, her tiny hands came to my cheeks. Her fingers gripped my flesh before she pushed my face up. “Smile, Unca Jake.”
I laughed through my smushed cheeks. “Okay, okay. I’ll smile instead.”
A pleased little grin spread on her face. Grabbing a piece of paper off the table, she waved it at me. “I dwawed u a picture.”
“You did?”
“Uh, huh.”
As I stared down at the scratchy, multicolored drawing, I knew better than to make any assumptions about what was on there. I’d made that mistake when Jude was little and caused him to burst out crying when I suggested the drawing of me was a dog. “So tell me about the picture,” I urged.
Her little finger stretched out to one of the stick figure/semi blobs. “Dat’s u and Dat’s Aunt Abby.”
“I see. Oh, you did a really good job.” She had managed to give the Abby blob yellow hair and mine brown. My eyes honed in on the yellow and brown blob beside us. “Is that…Angel?”
She giggled. “No.”
“Oh, is it your kitty, Jack Sparrow?” At the mention of his name, the one-eyed Siamese cat lifted his head from his perch over the table and eyed me contemptuously.
“It’s u baby,” she said, as if it was the most obvious choice in the whole-wide world.
I sucked in a harsh breath. After today, Bella’s comment was like a double roundhouse kick straight to the groin. “But I don’t have a baby, sweetheart.”
“But u will. Evewy night before I go to sleep when I say my pwayers, Mommy and I pway for you and Aunt Abby’s baby.”
I cut my eyes from the drawing to stare at Mia. An unapologetic smile appeared on her face before she quickly looked at Bella. “Come on, pumpkin. It’s time for your nap.”
“No,” Bella protested, burrowing down in my lap. Her fingers twisted into the material of my T-shirt as if I was her lifeline to keep her out of naptime hell.
AJ crossed his arms over his chest, looking seriously parental. “You know the rules, mi amor. If you don’t take a nap, you don’t get to see me at the show tonight.”
Bella squirmed in my lap. She, along with Jude and Melody, loved nothing more than to put on their noise-blocking headphones and stay backstage, watching us perform until their bedtime. Leaning over, I whispered into her ear. “Go on and take your nap. I’ll need to see you at the show so you can make me smile,” I urged.
“Okay,” she said. Before she hopped down, she gave me a smacking kiss on the cheek. “‘Mon, Jack,” she instructed. Although the cat hated me and AJ with a passion, he had a special love and patience for Bella. He rose up and stretched before hopping down. Once Jack Sparrow was at her side, she put her tiny hand in Mia’s and started down the hallway to the bedroom. Glancing at me over her shoulder, she said, “Love u, Unca Jake.”
“Love you too, princess.”
Once the door was shut behind them, I exhaled the breath I’d been holding. As AJ eased into a seat across from me at the table, I gave him a shaky smile. “Your daughter is far too smart for her own good.”
He laughed. “Tell me about it. It’s like she’s two and a half going on twenty-two.”
An uncomfortable silence then passed between us. I could hear Mia reading Bella a story. Finally, I cleared my throat. “So Abby was pretty upset when I left, huh?”
AJ grimaced. “I’d say emotionally obliterated.”
My chest ached at the prospect, and I sighed raggedly. “She f*cking blindsided me, man. To find out she’s been lying to me these past few months. That she ended up doing what I feared the most—what she swore she would never do.” Gritting my teeth, I shook my head. “How can I ever trust her again?”
“Look man, I know that it all seems pretty desperate right now. But you have to sit back and think for a minute. Abby has stood beside you through some pretty heinous shit—times when you were hard to love and did things that she didn’t understand or maybe approve of. But she stayed right by your side, man.”
“I never openly deceived her like this,” I protested.
“Would you just take a second to think about it from her perspective? She goes through a pretty horrible surgery, she’s worried to death about having a baby, something you know she wants more than anything in the world, so what does she do? She cracks and does something that goes completely against her character.”
I stared down at Bella’s drawing, taking in AJ’s words. “I’m not saying what she did wasn’t wrong, Jake. It’s a hard pill to swallow when anyone lies to you. But at the same time, you have to look at the bigger picture. She wasn’t cheating on you or stealing money from you. She wanted a baby—something she said you gave her hope for after her surgery.”
“I wasn’t thinking straight that night. I didn’t want to hurt her after her surgery, so I lied.”
AJ’s brows rose up. “Oh, so it’s okay for you to lie, but it’s not for her?”
“F*ck,” I muttered, rubbing my hand over my face.
“You have to talk to Abby. I know she’s sorry for what she did. She loves you so much that she would never, ever do something to hurt you.”
“But she did.”
“You lied to save your own skin. She lied because she was so incredibly scared. When she did, it wasn’t out of spite, but desperation.”
I raised my brows. “Is there a f*cking difference?”
AJ snorted. “I sure as hell think so. It was out of desperation that Mia handcuffed me to that shower. She doesn’t have a spiteful bone in her body.” He gave me a pointed look. “And neither does Abby.”
“But—”
Holding up his hand, AJ killed any argument I had with his next words. “Wasn’t it desperation that drove you to say the hateful things you said to try to drive Abby away when Susan was dying?”
“Yeah,” I croaked.
“Then I rest my case.”
“Would you forgive Mia if she had done the same thing?”
AJ didn’t even hesitate before replying. “Under the circumstances, yes, I would.” He then narrowed his eyes. “And then I would f*cking man-up and stop denying the love of my life what she wanted most in the world.”
I gave a defeated sigh. Maybe AJ was right. Maybe I needed to be the man and husband Abby needed and give her what she wanted. Wasn’t marriage supposed to be about compromise and sacrifice? Abby had been doing a hell of lot of that, but I hadn’t gotten with the program yet. “How do you do it?”
His brows furrowed in confusion. “Do what?”
“The father thing. How do you do it now, and how did you not totally lose your shit when Mia got pregnant?”
AJ shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, sure, I freaked out when I found out Mia was pregnant. I couldn’t sleep for worrying how much having a baby was going to change my life. Did I really want my life to be changed? Did I really want the responsibility of some little person? But in the end, the answer was yes, I did. Maybe deep down, I always knew I wanted kids. Then at the same time, I had to put my fears on the backburner because I was fighting for Mia. I wanted a life with her and my child so much that I guess it took away some of the fear. Yeah, there were days where I’d wake up in a sweat, scared to death that I was going to fail Mia and Bella. And once Bella was born, I began worrying about her constantly. But that’s what being a father is about.”
“How do you know if you’re ever ready to be a father, though?”
AJ laughed. “Most guys never do, and even if you think you’re ready, you’re really not.” He cocked his head at me. “Why are you so scared of being a father?”
“Too many f*cking reasons,” I muttered.
“Yeah, well, hit me with some of them.”
I threw up my hands. “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“I’m listening.”
“I seem to hurt the ones I love, so I’m afraid of something bad happening to my kid.”
“That’s not true, Jake. Bad things happen every day. You can’t help who they happen to. Susan dying of cancer wasn’t your fault. Abby getting beaten and then having the cyst, not your fault either. Your kid may have asthma or break his arm falling off of a bike, but that isn’t your fault either.”
I wrung my hands in my lap, afraid to voice to AJ my ultimate fear. Under his intense stare, I finally caved. “I’m afraid I’ll become my father. I’m afraid Abby will be so consumed by the baby that she won’t care about me the same way, and when I don’t have her undivided love and attention, I’ll look for it elsewhere.”
AJ shook his head. “Damn.”
“Yeah, pretty f*cked up, huh?”
“How did you ever get something like that in your head?”
I glanced down at the table and prepared to tell AJ something I hadn’t even told Abby. “One night after my parents divorced, my dad was drunk. Really drunk. It was one of the first nights I’d ever stayed with him at his new apartment. He and Nancy weren’t married yet. When I went to get something to eat, he cornered me in the kitchen.” I closed my eyes as the memory that had haunted me for years overcame me. “He said, ‘I know you hate me because of what I’m doing to your mom. But everything was fine between Susan and me until you came along. She always loved you more and put you first. I always came second, so I went to find someone who would put me first’.”
When I dared to look up at AJ, his eyes were wide with shock. “That’s f*cking…ball-busting.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“But damn, man, he was drunk when he said those things.”
“Isn’t there a little truth behind every drunken statement we make in anger?” I countered.
“Maybe.” AJ scratched the stubble on his chin. “But for the most part, Mark isn’t a major douche. I doubt he seriously felt that way. The man was drunk, and his whole life was imploding around him.”
“Whatever,” I muttered, wishing for a bottle of Jack right about now.
“Have you ever talked to your dad about it?”
“No. Never.”
“I think you should.”
I snorted. “You think if I have some magical Dr. Phil chat with my dad, that all my fears about being a father will just go away?”
“No, but I think it’s a good place to start.” He rose out of his chair. “I’m going to go back and lie down with Mia and Bella. That’ll give you the privacy you need.”
“AJ, I don’t think this is the kind of conversation you do over the phone.”
“I agree, but I think you’ve waited too long to do it in person. Might as well do it now.”
I watched his retreating form go down the hall and into the bedroom. I warily eyed my phone on the table. With a ragged sigh, I picked it up and scrolled through my contacts. When I got to my dad’s, my thumb hovered over the send button as I debated my decision. Finally, I manned up and pressed the button.
My dad answered on the third ring. “Hey, it’s Jake.”
“Hey son, how are you doing? Abby still doing okay after her surgery?”
“Uh, yeah, I’m fine…she’s fine.” I swallowed the knot of emotions forming in my throat. “Actually, Dad, we’re not okay.”
“Did you have a fight?”
“It’s a little more serious than a fight.”
“Whatever it is, I know it’s worth working out. Abby’s a wonderful, caring woman, and she loves you very much.”
“I know.”
“Then, what is the problem?”
“I need…I need to talk to you about some pretty heavy shit that happened in the past. With you and me.” There was a pause on the line. “Are you still there?”
“I’m here.” Dad sighed. “I’ve been hoping you would want to talk to me for a long, long time.”
“I doubt you’ll be thinking that in a minute.”
“I’m serious, Jake.”
“Fine. Here it is. I’ve hurt Abby because I’m not ready to be a father, and it’s all because of you.”
Dad sucked in a harsh breath that hissed over the line. “No beating around the bush, huh?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to talk about this—I never have. But having kids and being a father is about to ruin my marriage.”
“I wish I could be there with you right now, son.”
Before I could stop myself, I blurted, “Wanna hop a plane or drive and meet me in Birmingham?”
“If you want me there, I will.”
My brows shot up into my hairline. “You’re serious?”
“Of course I am.”
“But why would you do that for me?”
“Because you’re my son. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”
It took a moment for his words to set in. I knew from the tone of his voice that he was serious. It was just hard to imagine after all the years that have passed and all the shit between us, he really did love me. It was a lot to process with everything else that had happened today, and I felt myself shutting down. “It’s okay. We can talk when I get back.”
“I know I made a lot of mistakes when I divorced your mother—I said and did things that I know hurt you. I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. The worst thing in the world would be to know that I hurt you so deep you wouldn’t become a father. At the end of the day, you aren’t me and you aren’t Susan. You’re just yourself, your own person.”
“So I won’t feel tied down and cheat like you did?” I questioned softly.
Dad was silent for a moment. “Is that what is bothering you?”
“Maybe.”
“Oh Jake, what’s going on in that head of yours?”
“A lot of bullshit, I guess.”
With a nervous chuckle, Dad said, “I would like to think it’s just bullshit, but I know you too well. All I can say is we’re our own people and make our own decisions—good and bad. If I were to speculate long term about you, I don’t see you cheating.”
“And how can you guess that?”
“Because you know what a good thing you have. Before Abby, you were with enough women to know what is real and what is good. Deep down, you know you don’t need to go anywhere else to find the greatest love of your life—the woman who completes you, challenges you, and makes you get up in the morning.”
Like a pansy, tears stung my eyes at his summation. He was right—I could never find another woman who meant as much to me as Abby did. After all, she is my world.
The biggest question that was going through my head was on the tip of my tongue, and I knew I needed to ask it. Even if the answer was one I didn’t really want to hear. Finally, I drew in a deep breath and croaked, “Do you think I’ll be a good father?”
“I know you’ll try as best you can. When you fall short, and trust me, you will, you’ll beat yourself up. No one is a perfect father—some are better than others and some make less mistakes, but no one is perfect. You live and you learn.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“All you can do is try your best, son. Regardless of how you see yourself, you have so much love to give to a child. I know that, and Abby knows that as well.”
The shuddering of the bus’s wheels slowing down alerted me that we were getting off the interstate and heading into downtown Birmingham. “Listen Dad, I gotta go for now. I really appreciate you talking to me.”
“I’m here for you anytime, Jake.”
“Thanks.” I hesitated at the next words, hating myself for how hard they were to say. “I…I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
After I hung up, I sat in silence just staring at my phone. I didn’t know if I should try to text or call Abby. Part of me knew that what I had to say needed to be said in person. Because of Lucy’s birth, we were heading straight into a show, rather than having our usual rehearsal times. I wasn’t going to have a moment before going out on stage to talk to Abby unless I cornered her in the dressing room.
Any thoughts I had of getting to her on the bus was shot to hell when I saw her brothers walking her into the arena. I sighed and went to get a shower. When I was finished, Bella was bouncing around the kitchen waiting for me to come out.
“Guess you had a good nap, huh?”
She grinned. “I did.”
AJ rolled his eyes. “She never sleeps long enough.”
Mia yawned. “No, she doesn’t.”
“I’ll see you later, okay?”
AJ and Mia gave me a questioning look, and I nodded. They both smiled. “Go get her,” AJ said.
I laughed and then headed down the aisle. After pounding down the bus steps, I headed into the arena. As I started in the dressing room, Marion was talking with Frank. He must’ve asked her how Abby was because she was shaking her sadly. “Poor thing. She was an absolute mess. I never thought I would get her ready and out on that stage. Her eyes were so bloodshot and swollen I wasn’t sure I could make them look okay. I must’ve used two tubes of concealer.”
At the sight of me in the doorway, Marion clamped her lips shut and whirled around. “Ready for me?” I asked, when I caught her gaze in the lighted mirror.
“Sure,” she replied curtly.
It goes without saying that she was firmly Team Abby. She raked her nails a little harder into my scalp than she usually did, and the times when she usually patted on the stage makeup, she smacked my face instead. “I’m going to make it right,” I said softly.
She glared at me for a moment. “You damn well better.”
“Or you’ll take my balls?”
She grinned wickedly. “Yeah, something like that.”
I laughed. “Then I better do it fast, huh?”
“Exactly.”
When Marion finished with me, I didn’t lounge around in the backstage room. Instead, I made my way to the stage. I needed to see Abby. It’d been a long time since I’d actually just watched her perform. Just the sight of her in her sparkly, ice-blue stage dress and silver cowboy boots made my heart race. To the average eye, no one could tell there was something off with her performance tonight. She shimmied and shook her hips as she danced along with the music while her smile remained bright. She had the audience laughing in between songs at her little jokes and stories. But when she turned away from the audience, the pain on her face was visible. The consummate performer within her wouldn’t allow for her to give anything less than one hundred percent.
“We’re going to do a cover right now of an artist who means a lot to me and my brothers. Growing up, our mom was a huge Emmy Lou Harris fan. Even in the remote jungles where we were living, she had old records she would play. If I Needed You was one of the first secular songs I learned to play on the guitar. So Eli and I would like to sing it for you now.”
Eli eased down on the stool beside her with his guitar, and then they began harmonizing together. As I took in the lyrics of the song, I realized how much they were mine and Abby’s relationship. But the one that meant the most was “If you needed me, I would come to you. I would swim the seas for to ease your pain.”
Abby had always been there for me in my darkest times. Then when she was going through her own, I hadn’t realized her suffering. She’d had to go it alone, and that was so wrong. I’d vowed at our wedding to love her in the good times and bad. Regardless of what she had done with going off birth control, she had needed me, and I hadn’t been there. I had to make it up to her. I knew what AJ and my dad said was true.
After the song ended, applause and cheering rang throughout the auditorium. I knew this was my usual cue to get to the wings to await her announcing our duets. She took the microphone. I noticed her boot tapping on the stage floor, and I knew she was nervous about seeing me.
“And now, I want to bring someone to the stage to sing with me. I think you all know him pretty well. And that would be my husband, Jake Slater.”
While the crowd went wild, I stepped out on stage, my guitar slung over my shoulder. I waved to the audience as the roadies fixed the stools for Abby and me to sit on during our first song. Once they scurried away, I sat down. “Hello Birmingham! How the hell are you?”
Deafening applause and whistles erupted around me. “You been treating my lovely wife and her brothers well?” Once again they clapped and screamed. “First up tonight, we want to sing one of the first songs we ever did as a couple. It’s called All I Ever Needed.”
I strummed the opening chords, and Abby came in with me. Instead of looking at me, she kept her eyes down. When we got to the musical break, I stared intently at Abby, willing her to look me in the eye. But she kept staring down at her guitar. Pushing the microphone out the way, I took her chin in my fingers and titled her face up. When her gaze met mine, I smiled. “I’m so sorry, Angel.”
Her eyes widened. “Y-You are?”
When we didn’t pick up with the second verse, Eli and Gabe kept playing through the song. I’m sure they wondered what in the hell we were thinking for having a conversation in the middle of a performance. But I had no other choice. It was kind of weird have a musical interlude during your big apology scene.
I nodded. “Can you ever forgive me for the things I said? For lying to you?”
“Can you forgive me? For deceiving you?”
“I’ll forgive you, and you can forgive me.”
The corners of her lips quirked up in a smile at my words, but her expression remained grave. “Just like that?”
“I had a long time to think on the bus. And I talked to my dad.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, I did. Things are…good now.”
Tears pooled in Abby’s baby blues. “Oh, Jake.”
When I glanced out at the crowd, I saw their puzzled expressions. “What do you say we finish this song, and then we’ll talk about it after the show?”
She grinned. “Okay, I think that sounds good.”
I took the microphone back and stared into the audience. “Sorry about that, guys. My wife and I just needed a moment. Hope you didn’t mind?”
At their roaring approval, Abby and I both laughed. I counted us in, and then we started the song where we had left off. I don’t think I’d ever enjoyed performing with her more. Well, maybe the night at the Grammys before we won best duet. But tonight was special too. Nothing meant more than reconnecting. Nothing meant more than knowing she still loved me, despite my all my bullshit hang-ups and issues.
I stared intently at her when I got to the line, “Tell me it’s not my fault.”
Smiling, Abby shook her head and sang, “Tell me it’s not my fault.”
With a wink, I continued singing melody with Abby harmonizing. When the song finished, I popped out of my stool. After laying my guitar down, I pulled Abby into my arms. She abandoned her guitar to wrap her arms around me. Grabbing her under her ass, I hoisted Abby up to wrap her legs around my waist. The audience went wild, but I could have cared less. This moment wasn’t about giving them a show. It was about repairing my marriage and making things right with the woman I loved. Even though I should have moved us off stage, I couldn’t wait one moment to make things right with her. “I love you, Angel.”
“I love you, too.”
I stared intently into her eyes. “And I want you to have my baby.”
She gasped. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do. I want us to make lots of babies together. I want them to have your sweet smile, your caring spirit, and your sassiness. I want them to be as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside, just like their mother.”
Abby’s emotions overcame her, and she started sobbing. “Don’t cry, Angel.”
“You’re so sweet, Jake. But what if…” Her eyes closed in pain. “What if I can’t get pregnant?”
I shook my head. “You don’t know that yet. The doctor said we might have to try other means to make it happen.”
“You’re willing to do that?”
“I’ll do anything for you.”
She brought her lips to mine for a frantic kiss. “Thank you, Jake. You’ve made me so happy.”
“You make me happy every day, Angel.” I kissed her again before pulling away. “What do you say we finish this show, so I can take you back to the bus and show you just how much I love you?”
She laughed. “I’d like nothing more.”