Chapter Ten
Nine Months Later
Sometimes you spend so much time pretending that you forget what real is. That’s exactly what happened to me in the weeks following my surgery. The strong hold I had on being positive began to slip. The ‘what-ifs’ began to plague me, and anxiety sent me reeling. But while there was a storm brewing within me, I appeared calm and serene on the outside. No one would have ever guessed how much torment I was in. I had a smile permanently carved on my face although I was becoming hollow on the inside.
Everyone wanted the positive, happy, and sweet Abby, and that’s exactly what they got. I threw myself into touring and promoting our new album. When I was home, I worked constantly on making our house into a home for not only Jake and me, but for our family and friends. If I stopped for just an instant, the voices of doubt grew more intense. So I stayed as busy as I could.
But I knew there would be a breaking point—a reckoning day when it would all come crashing down on me. And when it finally came, I never imagined how heart-wrenching it would actually be…
“What do you think about this one?” I asked, as I held up a beautiful bouquet of delicate pink roses.
“Looks good,” Jake mumbled, barely taking his eyes off the magazine he was reading.
I grinned and rolled my eyes. Jake could have cared less what flowers we got for Lily and Brayden. He was completely out of his element in the hospital gift shop. He had zoned out the moment we stepped into the baby section, and while I was busy smelling flowers, he had ducked away to grab the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly.
“Okay then, we’ll get these for Lily and Brayden, and now we need something for the baby.”
Jake’s brows furrowed as he brought his gaze from the magazine to mine. “I thought we already gave them a present.”
I waved my hand dismissively. “That was at the baby shower. We can’t go in empty handed.”
With a sigh, Jake glanced at the shelf full of stuffed bears, rabbits, and other woodland creatures. He grabbed up a plush, white teddy bear with a giant pink bow on it. “There. Now we have something.”
“You can carry that, and I’ll take the flowers.”
“I’m not carrying this bear.”
“And why not?” I questioned on my way to the register.
“Because I’ll look like a pansy,” he hissed.
“You’ll look perfectly normal on the maternity floor.”
He grumbled behind me, but after the cashier rang up the bear, he took it back and tucked it under his arm. “Thank you,” I said.
He grinned. “You’re welcome.”
We headed out the door to get on the elevator. Brayden and Lily’s daughter had been born around midnight last night. While it was a wonderfully exciting occasion, it was also hard because we were set to leave this afternoon for the Southern leg of tour, which started in Alabama. Brayden would have to leave Lily and his newborn daughter behind for an entire week. Luckily, both his parents, along with Lily’s mom, were coming into town to help out.
We got off on the fifth floor, which was maternity, and quickly found Lily’s room. “Knock, knock,” I said, as I pushed the door open.
“Hi guys,” Lily said. Reclining on the bed with a mountain of pillows, she held a newborn to her chest. Jake’s steps momentarily faltered in the doorway when he thought Lily might be breastfeeding, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Coast is clear.”
He rolled his eyes. “Whatever,” he mumbled, although I could see the relief in his eyes.
As we stepped closer to the bed, I couldn’t believe how good Lily looked after just giving birth twelve hours before. Her smile was radiant as she glanced at her beautiful baby, swathed in a pink crocheted blanket I was sure Mia had made. “Brayden will be back any second. He took Jude and Melody to get an ice cream in the cafeteria.”
“And who do we have here?” I asked.
“This is Miss Lucy.”
“Well, that’s Lucy Sky to be exact,” Brayden said from behind us. He grinned as he and the kids came inside.
“Jesus, dude, another Beatles reference?” Jake asked.
Lily laughed. “He got lucky this time because my grandmother was Lucy.”
As I stared down at Lucy in Lily’s arms, I couldn’t fight the overwhelming urge to hold her. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t be good for me, but I couldn’t help myself. “Can I?” I asked Lily.
“Of course,” Lily replied, as she passed Lucy over to me.
The sweet scent of newborn innocence filled my nose as I held Lucy. She continued snoozing as I took in her diminutive features. “She’s absolutely gorgeous,” I murmured.
“She looks just like me when I was a baby,” Melody said.
Jake peered over my shoulder at Lucy. “Yeah, she does.”
Brayden grinned. “She’s got Mel’s dark hair, that’s for sure.”
The door burst open to announce the arrival of AJ and Mia. While AJ held Bella in his arms, Mia had an armful of balloons and flowers. “We couldn’t wait to see the newest member of the Runaway Train family,” AJ said with a grin.
“Thank you, man,” Brayden said, before giving AJ a hug.
Rhys poked his head in the room. “Is this where the party is?”
Brayden laughed. “Sure is. Come on in.”
Rhys sidled up to me to get a look at Lucy. “Wow, you’ve got another stunner on your hands. Better look out for her in sixteen years.”
“Yeah, I think she and Melody will be giving me a lot of grey hairs,” Brayden replied.
AJ nodded. “I hear ya, man. If this baby is a girl, I think I’m going to have to invest in some early hair care prevention.”
“This baby?” Lily and I asked at the same time.
Mia huffed out a frustrated breath before smacking AJ’s arm. “You weren’t supposed to mention the baby today! It’s about Brayden and Lily, not us.”
AJ’s expression turned sheepish. “Sorry. My bad.”
Bella clapped her hands. “I gonna be a big sister!”
Mia glanced around at us. “Fine. Since Mr. Blabbermouth and my daughter can’t keep quiet, yes, I’m three months pregnant.”
A hearty “Congratulations!” went up around the room.
Next to me, Rhys groaned. “Oh God, another baby? What happened to us being a band of rockers? Now we’re a band of dirty diapers and Dora. I mean, seriously guys, we’re going to have to have a separate eighteen wheeler to get around all the crap for your kids.”
“Shut up, jackass,” AJ replied.
As the happy conversation buzzed around me, I didn’t hear any of it. I was too overwhelmed by the news of Mia’s pregnancy coupled with holding new life in my arms. Mia and Lily had what I desperately wanted, and the green-eyed monster of jealousy was rearing its head.
Sensing my jangled emotions, Lucy’s face scrunched up, and she began to cry. “Guess I better give her back now,” I said, before handing her to Lily.
“Shh, sweetheart. It’s okay,” Lily cooed softly, and within a few seconds, Lucy was quiet.
The walls of the room seemed to close in around me, and I fought to breath. I knew I had to get away, or I was going to lose it and start screaming. I bolted for the door when Jake reached out to grab my arm. “Where are you going?”
“Just to the bathroom,” I lied. I forced a smile to my lips before I slipped out of the door. Fighting the tears, I started putting distance between myself and Lily’s room. Somehow I ended up down the hall at the nursery. There were only a few babies inside since most were in the rooms with their mothers. Leaning in, I placed my hand on the glass.
A newborn baby boy slept peacefully wrapped in a tight cocoon of blankets. The name on his bassinet read, West. He had a head full of dark hair, and even in his sleep, his mouth worked on a phantom pacifier.
“Abby?” Jake questioned softly from behind me.
I didn’t turn and look at him. Instead, I kept staring at the sleeping baby. “Did you know that I wanted to be a Labor and Delivery nurse?”
“No, I didn’t.”
With a nod, I replied, “If I had finished my degree, that’s what I had planned on doing. I couldn’t imagine anything more fulfilling than helping to bring life into the world.”
Jake took a tentative step towards me. “Look, I know you’re upset about seeing Lucy and then the news of Mia’s pregnancy.”
A mirthless laugh escaped my lips. “Makes me a horrible person to be jealous, doesn’t it?”
“No, I think it’s only natural for you to feel that way. Kinda like when I see guys and their mothers. We can’t help what we want.”
“No, we can’t.”
“Maybe…maybe we can start trying for a baby.”
Although Jake’s words should have been music to my ears and the answer to a prayer, they instead just brought pain from something I’d been carefully hiding. “It won’t work,” I whispered.
“What do you mean it won’t? We haven’t even tried,” he protested.
My eyes snapped shut in pain. With the walls of my carefully constructed fa?ade starting to crumble, I figured I had no reason to continue harboring my horrible secret. “I have to tell you something, Jake.”
“What is it?”
“I’ve been lying to you,” I choked out.
His dark brows furrowed in confusion. “About what?”
I slowly turned to face him as my heartbeat began to race out-of-control. “I stopped taking my birth control a few months ago right after I was cleared from my surgery.”
Jake stared at me in disbelief. “What?”
“I wanted a baby, and I knew it was going to be harder to conceive. You said after I came out of surgery, that when the doctor cleared me, we would try. So I thought…I thought if it took us a long time to get pregnant, then you really would be ready then. Then at the same time, the waiting and the wondering if I could was too much to bear.”
The color drained slowly out of Jake’s face. “You promised. You swore to me on our honeymoon that you would never do anything so horrible as to go behind my back.”
Tears pooled in my eyes before streaking down my cheeks. “I know. But things changed with my surgery—”
“Not enough to make you lie to me.”
“I’m sorry, Jake. I’m so, so sorry.”
He shook his head. “I can’t believe it.”
“You don’t understand what the last nine months have been like for me. I wanted to believe everything would be all right, but I couldn’t. And then I couldn’t talk to you about it because I knew how you really felt about having a baby.”
“So you’re trying to make this my fault?” he shouted, which caused a few nurses to turn their heads in our direction.
“No, I just want you to try to understand why I did what I did. I want you to see that even though I wasn’t thinking straight, there was a reason.”
“A reason for you to deceive me?”
“Please, Jake,” I begged.
He stared at me before shaking his head again. “It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
When AJ appeared before us in the hallway, Jake pointed a finger at him. “Take Abby home. I can’t be around her right now.”
Sobs overcame me as I watched Jake stalk down the hallway to the elevators. AJ’s comforting arms came around me. “Shh, it’s going to be all right.”
Something deep within me wondered how it ever could be. After all these months of deception, I had somehow known that Jake would react the way he had. Even though I knew his anger and his hurt would cause him to walk away, I hadn’t changed my mind or come clean. And now, I had to live with the consequences.