He gives me a look of adoration and turns his head to kiss the palm of my hand. “That you would feel that way with all of the pain you’re already carrying from your past shows me once again why I love you so much. You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever known.”
Once again, he lays his head on me and I resume soothing him as he picks up where he left off. “Some days when I couldn’t take it anymore, I’d escape to the park and sit on a bench for hours watching the families there. I studied them trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. They made it look so effortless. I began to resent Cassie more and more because I knew we’d never be happy like that. I couldn’t see a time when I wouldn’t have to watch and worry about what she was doing. I knew I’d have to quit school when the baby was born because there was no way I could trust her to be alone with a defenseless child.”
“Did your aunt know?” I ask, not being able to imagine her letting him fight this battle alone. She seemed to love her nephew so much.
“She knew Cassie was bipolar. Being a nurse, she’d noticed that almost from the beginning. She…tried to discourage me from dating her. She didn’t think Cassie could mentally handle being in an intimate relationship. I believe she was trying to save us both from ourselves, but at that age, you don’t listen. I didn’t tell her about how bad things had become those last few months. Cassie would try to put on a good show whenever anyone was visiting, but I knew Fae was worried. She tried to get me to talk to her, but my pride wouldn’t let me admit that I’d made a mistake. All I knew was that I had to take care of the baby. That was my life then. Each day was the same repeat of the last. The only thing in question was how volatile Cassie would be. We were no longer involved in a real relationship. It was a noxious parody. That night took away any fantasies I once harbored about having a family of my own. A man who couldn’t protect his unborn child didn’t deserve to be happy ever again. That was my penance for what I’d done.”
My poor, broken man. How had he become the wonderful person he is now when he’d been through so much all those years before? The more he shares, the more I understand why he’d been so reluctant to love, to share, and to be open. It also makes his addiction to cocaine even clearer. “Lucian,” I begin carefully, desperately afraid of saying the wrong thing. “Cassie had a serious mental illness that wasn’t being properly treated or supervised. Trained medical professionals lose patients to that disease every day. You were far too young to deal with something of that magnitude alone. The fact that you tried so hard shows me exactly who you are. No one could have foreseen that horrible tragedy. You need to forgive yourself. We would all go back if we could and change something in the past, but that’s not possible. We’re only human.”
He is quiet for a while, as he absently draws small circles on my stomach with his finger. I continue to stroke his hair and rub his neck. When his hand falls away, I’m shocked to hear a light snore. I stop moving, thinking I’ve imagined it, but a few seconds later, another follows. He’s fallen asleep curled against me like a small child. My legs are beginning to go numb and my bladder is reminding me that I rarely go more than an hour now without having to pee. I don’t want to disturb him, though. Regardless of how he tries to gloss over it, I know he hasn’t been sleeping that well, so I close my eyes and will away my discomfort.
Obviously, I managed to drift off because when I jerk awake sometime later, the room is completely dark and I’m alone in the bed. I get to my feet as quickly as possible and waddle-run to the bathroom, taking care of my most pressing need. After washing up, I walk down the hallway and catch the unmistakable smell of pizza. When I reach the kitchen, Lucian is just opening a box from Leo’s. He looks up as I walk into the room, giving me a shy smile. “Hey, baby. I was just coming to wake you. Are you hungry?”
Not bothering with social niceties, I step forward and lift a steaming piece of supreme pizza out of the box and to my mouth. My eyes roll back in my head as flavors explode on my tongue. “Oh, my God,” I moan around my full mouth. “I’d marry you and have your baby for this alone, Lucian Quinn,” I fervently declare.
He laughs softly and hands me a napkin. “That sounds like a good deal. Throw in a few blowjobs and I’ll keep you in pizza forever.” When I begin laughing, then choking at his words, he reaches over to thump me on the back. “Slow down, honey, I’d rather not tell my aunt and the hospital what caused you to choke on your food.”
I’m licking my lips then my fingers when a wave of affection comes over me. I can only imagine what I look like when I give him a sappy smile and say, “I love you.”