CHAPTER FIVE
On Monday morning I strapped my over-stuffed duffel bag (Ada’s satiny dress included) onto the back of Putt-Putt and got ready to blow the popsicle stand that I called home.
Ada was already at school and my father was off teaching at the university, so it was just my mother and me, staring at each other uneasily in the crisp, foggy morning. Traces of overnight frost still clung stubbornly to our wide lawn, making our house look like a gingerbread one rising out of white icing.
“Do you know where you’re going?” she asked, looking extra skinny under the heavy fur coat she was wearing, probably made out of Swedish wolverines or something.
“Yes mom. I Google-mapped it,” I said, my breath coming out in a frozen, hanging cloud. I flashed her my iPhone in one quick motion.
“I don’t know what that means,” she said, pulling her coat in closer. I eyed her feet. She only had her morning slippers on.
“It means I know where I’m going,” I replied patiently and gave a final tug on the bag.
I walked over to her and gave her a quick hug. Her coat smelled like a mist of dated perfume and mothballs. She had that coat for as long as I could remember and wore it almost every day when the winter air hit Portland, yet it still smelled like something out of a 1920’s German film.
She embraced me back and pulled away with a worried mother look. Sometimes I want to tell her that the more she frowns and twists her lips to the side, the more the wrinkles will come. But that would be cruel and I know she’s aware of it. My mother knows everything about preserving beauty.
“I’ll be fine,” I said, even though she hadn’t spoken.
She just smiled tightly and looked down at the shiny brown/black hairs of the coat. “I know.”
She looked up and her expression had changed. Now she was the no-nonsense mother I knew too well.
“How was your date last night?” she asked. “We had gone to sleep and you weren’t home yet.”
I almost detected a prying naughtiness in her voice, as if she was hoping I’d gotten lucky or something.
I gave her a suspicious look. “It went fine.”
“Are you going to go out with him again?”
“Maybe,” I said and turned back to my bike, ready to not only leave the popsicle stand behind but this weird, awkward conversation as well. “I’ll call you when I get there.”
She sighed and I looked back at her one last time. She looked fed up but gave me a quick wave.
“Be safe.”
I nodded, slipped on my helmet, took one last look at my Google map directions, and got on the bike. I popped one ear bud in my ear, flicked my iPod to the newest Slayer album and off I went.
~~
I didn’t start freaking out until I was a Google map-block away from Dex’s apartment. And when I say freaking out, I mean, full-on panic attack. Going up the wrong way on a one-way street didn’t help either. I quickly pulled my bike into a small parking lot between a donut shop and a sleazy motel, got off it and put my head between my legs.
My entire body was awash with the sickening pins and needles effects that my panic attacks (or extreme nervousness) produced. I was so focused on not losing my breath or fainting out cold in public, that I barely noticed the freezing rain that fell steadily on my back.
I straightened up, leaned against the donut shop’s brick wall and raised my head to the sky, hoping the wetness would bring some sense of reality to me.
Sometimes panic attacks did creep in out of nowhere, but I knew this one was the pure product of the situation. Really, there was nothing to be afraid of. I was going to see Dex. Yes, sometimes things between us were a tad awkward when we’d been apart for a while, but even now I didn’t think that would be the case. I had even talked to him the morning before, getting the directions to his apartment.
I guess I just wasn’t sure what Jenn would be like. And I didn’t know how they would be around each other. What if they were some super-affectionate couple and were kissing every five minutes? The thought of that made my eyes roll back in my head.
“You all right, girlie?”
I blinked hard at the rain and looked over at a young, dreadlocked man who was stopped on the sidewalk near me.
I nodded quickly, not finding the words and feeling embarrassed.
“Least someone here likes the rain,” he said, more to himself than to me, and started swaggering down the street until he was out of my sight.
I gathered my thoughts and composed myself. I needed to pull it together here and now or this whole week would be a waste of time. If Jenn and Dex were going to be all coupley and cute, so be it. This was just part of the process and I would just have to deal.
Though I didn’t want to, I conjured up an image of them together, lips locked in a passionate embrace. It hurt, boy did it ever, but I kept that image in my mind’s eye and forced myself to see every detail, to feel everything I was going to feel. Disgust, shame, embarrassment, jealously, envy, awkwardness, even lust. I felt it all right there in that parking lot beside Top Shop donuts, not seeing the people walking past with their steaming coffees and brightly confectioned donuts in hand. I just saw Dex and Jenn. Jenn and Dex.
And then it was over. I imagined the worst and I was still alive, although my legs were shaking slightly and I was feeling pukey.
I shook it off regardless, put on my favorite Alice in Chains song “Again” in my ear to empower me (yeah, I know, strange choice but I was in Seattle after all) and got back on the bike.
I took Putt-Putt around a few left turns, trying to get on the one-way street heading in the right direction and soon enough I was parked outside of their building. It was located on the corner, across from a convenience store and the monorail tracks and stood out from all the other buildings in the neighborhood thanks to its jaunty French design. It looked like the apartment buildings you’d see in Paris, albeit woefully out of place with the Seattle Space Needle looming nearby.
I looked up at the windows, wondering which apartment was theirs and if they were watching me. I took in a deep breath, clenched and unclenched my fists, and walked over to the front doors.
I entered in their buzzer number on the directory and waited with bated breath. There was a quick click from the speaker and when I went over to go speak into it, the door buzzed loudly.
That was a bit too trusting; I could have been anyone. Unless, of course, he or she really had been watching me come in. That made me feel even more nervy but I shoved down the itchy, hot feeling that was creeping up my throat and entered the pristine, art deco-like lobby. I made my way to the elevator, the wet soles of my boots making squeaking rat-like noises on the black and white tiles. I paused in front of the mirror by the elevator and gave myself the once over.
I was wearing my high, cherry red Doc boots, black leggings, a hip-length grey sweater and my black leather jacket, duffel bag in one hand, my brown messenger bag and helmet in the other. I had a bad case of helmet hair, which, combined with the rain, made me look like a scruffy toy dog. My nose was red and could have done with some powder and concealer but I was afraid the longer I stayed in the lobby primping myself, the more likely that either Dex or Jenn would come down and catch me in the act.
I got in the elevator, went up the one floor, and cautiously stepped out into a red carpeted hallway. Their apartment was at one end of the hall, the door looming like something out of the Dark Tower.
I walked carefully down the hall and briefly thought about turning around and running away. But I didn’t and I couldn’t. I just kept walking, heart in my throat, aware of how ridiculous my feelings were. But knowing didn’t make them go away.
Time to get this over with, I thought and knocked on the door in three short raps.
The door immediately flung open and I found myself face-to-face with none other than Jennifer Rodriguez.
I lost all feeling in my body. I know my eyes looked frightfully wide. I wasn’t even able to fake smile at her.
She was taller in person, maybe 5’9”, at least the same height as Dex. She was thinner, too, as was usually the case with TV (or internet) personalities. She was lean and long but had more oomph and bang to her form than my skinny-Minnie sister. She was wearing tight jeans, high heels, and a black sleeveless low-cut top that showcased a pair of smallish but mesmerizingly perky breasts. Her skin was the color of clouded honey, her eyes a fiery hazel, her hair annoyingly shiny and curly and a shade or two darker than her skin tone.
I didn’t know how long I had been in my head, taking her in, but suddenly her lips parted and all I saw were ivory veneers against pink lip gloss. And then she was reaching for me. To, like, hug me.
“Perry!” she exclaimed in a voice that was annoyingly like Blake Lively’s in that low, throaty tone. Damn this sexy-voiced couple!
She wrapped her arms around me in a quick embrace, while I tried desperately to say something or do anything. I couldn’t even touch her back. I was dumbfounded.
“It’s so nice to finally meet you,” she said, pulling away and looking me up and down. “Come in, you must be freezing. It’s been raining for f*cking days here; it gets right in your bones, you know?”
I think I mumbled, “uh huh” as she led me into the apartment.
“Let me take that,” she said, picking my duffel bag from my hands. She took it into a room and disappeared. I watched her tiny butt go.
I stood in the foyer of Dex and Jenn’s apartment. Aside from a few boxes in the corner, it looked like they were pretty much all moved in. There was the modern kitchen off to the right with a bar top and stools facing the living room that was lined with bookshelves and a giant entertainment system. Beside it, a rounded balcony faced right onto the suspended monorail tracks. In the corner of the apartment were the doors to what I assumed was their bedroom and a bathroom, and covered French doors led into the room that Jenn had gone into.
It was modern, it was small, and it didn’t look very lived in. I couldn’t detect any of Dex’s personality in the place.
“Perry?” Jenn asked as she stepped out from behind the French doors. I looked over at her, not really seeing her or comprehending anything. It was all so surreal. Was I really here? Where was Dex, anyway?
“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “It was a long ride. I can barely feel my fingers.”
Jenn gave me a sympathetic look, one that seemed completely sincere. I don’t know why that surprised me; it’s not like I ever had a reason to think Jenn didn’t like me…I mean, just because I didn’t like her.
And now I was actually feeling really bad for being such a bitch about her this whole time. She really wasn’t the evil whore I was making her out to be. Was she?
She walked over, her heels clicking across the hardwood, and reached out with her hands, “Want me to take the rest of your stuff to your room?”
“No, it’s fine, I can manage,” I said. I took a step towards her, but the squeak of my wet boots reminded me that it was probably rude of me to tread through her (their) apartment. I stooped down to begin the laborious process of untying them but she told me to not bother.
“We’re not fussy here,” she added, and beckoned me to come over. I wasn’t sure if I believed that. Even though Dex was probably a little bit messy, the apartment was looking spotless and most likely all thanks to Jenn. Oh, well. If I could keep my boots on, I was keeping them on.
“Is this where I’m bunking down?” I asked.
“Yes, sorry it’s such a mess,” Jenn said, and touched my shoulder gently, guiding me into the room that was tiny and not a mess at all. “It’s obviously not a true bedroom since there isn’t even a window. Dex uses it as his office.”
I put my purse and helmet down on the tiny single bed covered in fancy, pistachio green linen and eyed his desk in the corner, which held up a massive flat screen Mac monitor and a range of other technical equipment. A column of clear boxes containing cameras and photographic stuff were stacked beside it. The shelves above the computer were almost keeling over with a plethora of books that ranged from Paranormal Normal? to The Demise of the Record Industry to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. On the other side of the desk were two guitars and one bass propped up in their stands. The walls of the room were covered from floor to ceiling with framed photographs of rock stars and arty concert posters such as Secret Chiefs 3 and The Cars. Aside from the pretty green bedspread, this room was definitely all Dex.
“I hope you don’t mind,” she added. “Just ignore all his shit in the corner.”
At that comment, it occurred to me how little Jenn knew about me and how little I knew about her. I decided it was time for me to suck it up, once again.
I faced her straight on, looking into her bright and seemingly earnest eyes, and said, “Thank you so much for letting me stay with you and Dex this week. I really appreciate it.”
She waved me away with a bashful look that seemed more coquettish than anything else. “Oh please, I insisted that you stay with us. Dex wanted to put you up in the shitty hotel down the street.”
Before I could even wonder about that, I heard the front door open and the sound of canine nails clacking wildly across the floor, along with wheezy dog breath.
A small white French Bulldog ran past the door, skidded to a stop, and then came back and ran straight for us.
The dog, who I assumed was Fat Rabbit since he did kind of look like a fat rabbit, jumped up on my shins like a wriggly, bug-eyed cylinder of excitement.
“This is Harvey,” Jenn said proudly.
I tore my face away from the sloppy doggy kisses and looked up at her. “I thought his name was Fat Rabbit?”
Jenn’s eyes rolled straight to heaven and I heard Dex’s unmistakable burst of laughter from outside the door. >
“Have you been telling everyone his name is Fat Rabbit?!” she exclaimed.
“Well he looks like a fat rabbit,” Dex said, appearing in the doorway with that smart-ass grin on his face and a wet leash in his hands.
I expected the feeling to go all out of my body again like it had a few minutes ago, but that didn’t happen. There was just a tiny prickle of heat at my heart. He looked good, of course, with his neat trace of a ‘stache, broad chin, and silky black hair. His nose looked a tiny bit different and I immediately felt a wash of guilt, but other than that he was looking as devilishly handsome as ever. Especially as his dark eyes lit up noticeably when they met with mine.
I looked away before it became a lustful staring contest and I eyed Jenn with nervous humor. “Hey, Harvey was a fat rabbit too.”
She looked confused. She looked over at Dex for an explanation.
“It’s a film, babe,” he explained to her. “Harvey. With Jimmy Stewart. Big invisible rabbit. You know…”
She shook her head and I smirked internally, happy that Dex and I both knew something she didn’t. I met his eyes again and felt the usual pull towards him. Seeing him in front of me made me feel…well, not whole, I wouldn’t go that far, but it made me feel like everything was just right.
Except it wasn’t. Because I was suddenly very aware that I couldn’t go around staring at him all dopey eyed like I sometimes did, because his girlfriend, the Wine Babe Jenn, was in the same room as us. Fat Rabbit, too.
In fact I had expected that Dex would have come over and given me a hug hello, only he didn’t. He just nodded at me, still leaning in the doorway and said, “How was the ride over?”
“Wet,” I answered. At that, Fat Rabbit jumped up again and Jenn scooped him up in her arms. They were a lot more buff and toned that I had thought they’d be.
“Harvey, Harvey, Harvey,” she said to the dog who was gazing up at her perfect tawny face with googly eyes.
“You girls hungry?” Dex asked while he watched this for a few seconds, looking amused.
I was but I waited for Jenn to say something. She walked over to him with the dog in her arms and paused right in front of him.
“Call him Harvey,” she said, holding him out. “You’re his dad, call him by his proper name.”
Dex smirked, took the dog’s ear in one hand and whispered, “Fat Rabbit” into it.
Jenn let out a cry of flirty disgust and slapped Dex on his ass. He jumped a bit, pretending it hurt, and grinned at her. A grin I used to think was reserved solely for me.
OK. This was hell. I know what I had imagined earlier but now that I was actually seeing it, it was causing an involuntary narrowing of the eyes. It wasn’t the jealousy so much (OK, it was), it was that feeling that Dex knew how I felt about him and yet, here they were...it was uncomfortable, to say the least.
Jenn and Fat Rabbit left the room and Dex raised his ringed eyebrow at me. “How about you kiddo, you hungry?”
Kiddo. Least I still had that. It was better than “Babe.”
“I’m freaking starving,” I admitted.
He nodded. “I thought as much. I figured you’d be after the ride and shit and anyway so a bunch of people are going to meet us for lunch. That cool? They are all Shownet peeps, good people, and it will make the party on Friday a lot easier to handle once you know how retarded they are in real life.”
I couldn’t tell if he was speaking quicker than normal because of his medication or if he was nervous. But I told him that was fine. Secretly, I preferred it. Being around other people would take a lot of the awkwardness out of the situation and as much as I’d like to think it was all in my head, as most things usually were, I knew both Jenn and Dex could feel it too. This was going to be one hell of a long week.
“Good,” he said, smiling at me in a calmer, more natural, way. He looked around the room briefly. “How do you like my man cave?”
“It’s very you,” I admitted and patted the bed. “Though I thought you’d have a Star Wars-themed bedspread.”
“Believe me, I wanted to,” he said.
“You’re thirty-two Dex, not eighteen,” Jenn chided him, now with the dog and a bowl of water in hand. She explained to me, “We have to keep Harvey in the bathroom when we’re gone or else he runs around and tears up the place.”
“And takes a dump in your shoes,” Dex added.
I had to laugh at that. Jenn grunted. “It was one time, all right?”
“Easy for you to say. They weren’t your shoes,” Dex said, heading out of the room. I followed, still giggling.
“I hope you didn’t find that out the hard way,” I told him. He looked down at me, eyes sparkling.
“More like the soft way.”
Even though the topic of dog shit wasn’t exactly sexy, I was standing next to him in the doorway and this was the closest I had been to him in weeks. He smelled good as always, and that damn current of electricity was sparking again.
“Don’t be disgusting,” Jenn said, placing Fat Rabbit down on the floor with the water and quickly shutting the door before he ran out of the room. The closed door was met with barks and the clattering of nails against it.
“He’ll stop barking after five minutes,” she said, and sashayed her way to the kitchen counter, pausing at a bowl.
“Your car or mine?” she asked him loudly above the doggy protests. In one quick motion she pulled a small bottle of hand sanitizer out of her purse, rubbed it on her dainty hands and put it back.
“It’s up to Perry,” Dex said, turning to me. “Do you like good music or bad music?”
I opened my mouth to say something, or perhaps to just make a noise, since it felt like a trick question, but Jenn picked up a pair of keys out of the bowl and said, “We’ll take my car. You’re parked on the street and it’ll be hard to find a spot later.”
“Oh, how considerate of you,” he said sarcastically as we left the apartment.
In the hallway, Jenn shut the door and locked it while Dex stood at her side, leering at her in a weird half annoyed, half playful way. I didn’t like it. This bickering seemed to be something natural to them, like an actual living and breathing couple who were in love with each other.
That thought took my breath away.
Jenn stuck her house keys in her purse and gave me a funny look, perhaps catching the expression on my face. I don’t know what face I was making, but it couldn’t have been a happy one.
“Honestly,” she said to me in a confiding tone, “I just don’t want to listen to Dex play his Crooked Eagles album for the millionth time this week. I couldn’t give a shit about Tom Jones.”
“Them Crooked Vultures,” he said, exasperated. He put his arm around her and my breath was lost once more. “And it’s John Paul Jones. Not Tom Jones.”
OK. So the cutesy couple bickering pained me and the fact that, right in front of me, just two feet away, he had his arm around her and was staring at her with a, well, not disgusted look on his face, that absolutely hurt. I mean, hurt like a hot, poison-tinged knife was going through my stomach. But I was going to get through this. I had to. Right? RIGHT?!
I looked away. I had to or else I would have kept staring at them, mouth open, looking lovelorn and stupid. I looked down at the carpet.
“Nice carpet,” I remarked. Like an idiot.
There was silence for a moment.
“Perry’s very observant,” Dex finally said to Jenn and out of the corner of my eye I could see him kiss her on her skinny cheekbone. I wished the carpet would swallow me whole.