Apparently, that admittance is enough for Zane to let me go. In our most intimate moments, I stole tiny pieces of Zane, as I had allowed him to do to me, and now they bleed with dishonesty and begin to shatter as we argue. We were always meant to be explosive – I felt it in my blood every time we kissed – but I never wanted it to be catastrophic. We were never meant to tear one another apart. We were never meant to destroy one another with callous words and malicious actions. We were never meant to kill the hope we both gave one another. Not when I had only ever loved him to death with the faith that our reincarnation would be invincible.
“I thought we were destined for something beautiful,” I begin to say and although my eyes water, I remain strong. “But all we keep doing is devastating one another. I’m not sure I can do it anymore. You believe the words I tell my father, and I believe what I see you do. It’s just never going to work. You were right, though, I’m always looking for absolution.”
“I didn’t mean that,” he tells me, his apparent anger quickly sobering up.
“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him with a tiny shrug of my shoulder. “I was bleeding out long before you twisted that knife.”
Wiping my face, I force myself away from him and stand up. There are so many things I want to say, but I’m unsure if I want to fight a battle that always ends up lost. I’m tired of everything, and it’s not until now I truly feel how much my life has drained me. I have to live with a man I love, but it doesn’t mean I have to love him and maybe that’s my safest bet. Family is a business in this household and business doesn’t mean pleasure.
“I’m in this life for you, Amelia. There has to be something we can do.” He speaks as if it’s all just that easy. That we can build one another up to tear them down and keep doing it on repeat.
“We can work together, but that’s it. It’s all I can manage, right now,” I tell him, putting back the coldness into my tone. There was a moment of sheer honesty, but it’s gone because if I revel in it, he will wheedle his way back into my heart and charm me back into loving him. It’s now time to initiate the Amelia who protects herself. The magnitude of him really being here has taken four days to truly hit me hard and it’s left a lasting mark. “This life is game of Russian roulette, Zane, and it sure as hell ain’t my gun or yours we’re using,” I tell him, my throat tightening as the realization finally falls upon Zane’s face. “Be careful when you decide to pull the trigger.”
“You can’t make this sound like closure,” he speaks as we stand apart. “No matter our issues, surely me being here is enough to make you see sense! No matter what, I gave up everything to be here! I’ve jeopardized everything to stand here before you today!”
“No, don’t you dare!” I snarl and put my hands up to stop him in his tirad. “You chose this. I didn’t beg you to come and be an Abbiati. I didn’t want you involved in this!” My hands fall to my side briefly before they fly up into my hair. I know he’s right, him being here is testament enough, but our actions don’t keep us on the same pages. “You don't get to do this to me again! I am not going to be your fucking fool anymore! So live out whatever sick fantasy you have, Zane, but leave me out of it." My tone has started to raise in octaves, my broken heart straining for each wretched beat. "Please!"
“I can’t just give up,” he tells me. There’s a begging ebb to his tone, but he’s not entirely ready to become vulnerable to it wholly. “No matter what was said or done, I can’t. It’s not for me to do. I just didn’t expect things to unravel like they did!”
“I told you to be ready at every turn, Zane. You said you were all in, but I threw one curveball and suddenly I’m yesterday’s news. Like you, I have to be ready for every fucking turn, for every attack. I was protecting you from being delivered a very limited life. Have you forgotten that my father already had a bounty on your head once! Do you really think he’s a man to forgive unpaid debts?” I watch him, seeing the penny finally drop. “Believe me, Zane, I wanted nothing more than to shout from the rooftops that I finally felt like something in my life was going right, but when my father throws us for a loop like that we have to forget about all our needs and make sure men like Salvatore Abbiati are smiling brightly at the day’s end. That was my reason for this, but you failed to believe in me and believed in what I had to say before that.”
“Amelia.” He steps forward, his plea written all over him.
“Don’t!” I roar, unable to hear him out. We’ve been here too many times. “I don’t want your apologies and I don’t want you to suddenly be remorseful because now you see why I did what I did. I know my track record isn’t perfect, but I thought I had given you enough for you to hold a shred of hope for me.” I shake my head, trying to rid my dismay at how quickly the love story Zane and I had started again has decayed. “You said you weren’t going to be stupid enough to lose me a third time, but we were both the idiots because this is over. For good.”