CHAPTER Nine
I was never one to believe in fairy tales. I always figured that when things were too good to be true that they were just that—a beautiful lie. So after Blaine declared that he was, in fact, actively pursuing me, I knew there was a catch.
Even though Friday and Saturday came and went without incident, with Blaine remaining his usual flirtatious, incredibly enticing self, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing should be this good. The way he’d look at me, those brown eyes stirring something deep inside me, it was much more than I deserved. I kept waiting for something to come crashing down, shattering the perfect picture I had painted of him in my mind. But nothing happened. Not until Sunday, when a sledgehammer disintegrated my tiny slice of hope into rubble.
We had been open for a few hours and were expecting a slow day. Sundays usually brought in a few regulars, but since it wasn’t football season yet, most people were out enjoying the warm weather with their families. Blaine was in a good mood. Things between us had been comfortable and easy, though I still would break out into a deep blush whenever his arm grazed mine or our eyes would lock. The past two nights had been so crazy that we hadn’t had much alone time. I think we were both looking forward to the slower shift, and I was secretly hoping that Blaine would step his game up. I wanted to experience the Blaine Jacobs persistence that he so confidently believed would eventually break me down and make me fall madly in love with him. As if that could ever happen. But, hey, there was no harm in trying.
“Hold still just a sec,” he said suddenly, as I was filling a beer order for Lidia, one of the waitresses. Luckily, the pitcher was full, and I slid it towards her. She cocked a curious brow and winked at me before heading off to service her tables.
I felt him behind me before we even made contact. There was something about his scent that drove me absolutely mad. It was masculine, natural and impossibly erotic. I could pick it out even among the sea of scents at a department store fragrance aisle. By the time I felt his hands at my waist, I was high off the smell of mint and spice, and drunk with anticipation. They were firm yet somehow gentle as they gripped my hips, drawing our bodies together. When his chest and abs were flush against my back, I felt as if I might pass out. That’s when I realized I had stopped breathing.
“Kami,” he whispered, his lips on my earlobe unapologetically.
I wanted Blaine’s ways of persuasion, and now I was getting it. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, was I getting it.
Warm breath slid down my throat and caressed the top of my chest, spilling down into my shirt. “Here, let me help you,” he rasped.
Blaine’s fingers traced the edge of my jeans, skimming the tiny bit of exposed skin that my tight Dive tee couldn’t conceal. That’s when I looked down and realized that he was retying my apron. His hands were at the base of my spine above my tailbone, driving me insane as they slowly worked those strings into a bow. What should have taken him mere seconds was drawn out into a vicious assault on my senses. I wondered what else he could prolong with those fingers, the possibilities causing a flame to spark between my legs.
Though I knew my apron was secure, Blaine’s hands never strayed. They coasted back to my front, stopping at my hipbones as he pulled me back into him. My head was leaning back onto his shoulder while his head dipped further into me, warm lips grazing my neck. My eyes fluttered closed reflexively as a low moan seeped out before I could stop it.
“God, you smell good,” he breathed, running his soft lips from my earlobe down to my collarbone. “I bet you taste as good as you smell.”
“Why don’t you taste and see?” a voice moaned. It sounded like mine, but there was no possible way it could have come from me. It was too confident, too self-assured. There wasn’t a trace a fear laced between those words.
“Can I?” he teased. He knew damn well I was ready to let him sample every bit of my body in that moment.
The gruff sounds of a clearing throat cut into our aroused senses like a knife. Blaine and I broke apart in time to catch the narrowing eyes of Mick. He glared disapproving daggers at his nephew before snorting and retreating to the back office. Mick was a man of very few words, but I could tell he didn’t like his bartenders canoodling on the job.
“Shit!” I whispered, covering my beet-red face with my hands. Blaine had the nerve to chuckle, eliciting a smack on the arm from me. “Not funny, Blaine! We’re gonna get fired!”
Blaine let out a pompous half-snort. “There’s no way that’s happening. Let me worry about Mick.”
“Well, you’re his family. Of course, he won’t fire you. But I’m still new here. I don’t want him to think I’m just a walking, talking set of T&A. I want to earn my place here.”
I swear I heard Blaine groan just at the mention of tits and ass. Such a man. Yeah, he seemed like a rare breed, but I had to remember that Blaine Jacobs was a male, and therefore, could not be trusted. Yeah, that’s what I should’ve been thinking, but my mind was still clouded with the remembrance of his lips caressing my neck. Blaine had completely dismantled me without even really kissing me.
Seeing the flush rising on my cheeks, he stepped into me, close enough for me to damn near taste the air he occupied.
“You’re right. I’ll try to tone it down here. But I need us to finish what we started. I need to see you outside of work. Tonight. Just us.”
My breath expelled in short pants as I tried to regain my wits. It wasn’t just my nerves rising at the thought of being alone with Blaine. It was panic. Terror. No, no, no, this wasn’t happening. Not now, please God, not now.
“Kami, are you alright?” he asked, all traces of seduction wiped clean from his face. “You don’t look so good. Here sit down.”
Blaine grabbed a stool and eased me onto it, just as dizziness claimed my balance. I quickly leaned forward, steadying myself with his body and placed my head between my legs. Then I started the countdown in my head…from twenty. It had truly turned out to be a shitty day.
After a while, the hot clamminess of my skin cooled into a sheen of sweat that blanketed by whole body. My heartbeat slowed from techno to an R&B groove. When I was sure that the dizziness and nausea had ceased, I raised my head and risked a peek at Blaine. Now he knew. There was no hiding my psychosis now. All the better; now I wouldn’t have to be the one to break a heart. I’d have the privilege of being on the receiving end this time.
Blaine looked down at me with nothing but concern etched onto his handsome face. With the halogen lights beaming down directly behind his head, his light brown hair creating a halo of sorts, he reminded me of a sexy, dark angel. There was no disgust, no humiliation, radiating from him. There was only worry for me.
He stroked my cheek adoringly, not even cringing at the tiny beads of sweat that had sprouted in the last 30 seconds. Then he smiled, emitting warmth and comfort in that simple gesture, telling me that it was ok. That I was safe and he was there to, once again, catch me.
His eyes flickered up, and he held a finger up to someone, telling them he’d be with them in a moment. Then he squatted so he and I were eye level, and took my face in his hands.
“You scared me,” he whispered. The pads of his thumbs drew circles on the apples of my cheeks. “How are you feeling?”
I nodded, but I couldn’t find it in me to tell him I was okay, because I knew I never would be. I would always be a nervous f*cking wreck, successfully ruining any hopes of a normal relationship.
I swallowed, though my mouth was as dry and thick as cotton. “I’m sorry.” It seemed like the right thing to say.
“Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about.” A small frown rested between his brows. “Don’t you dare apologize. You did nothing wrong.”
With his hands still cradling my cheeks, I wanted to believe him. His touch did strange things to me, including making me ignore the warning signs that could have helped us to avoid this drama.
“I’m going to get you some water. Will you be ok to sit here for just a second?”
I smiled my most convincing smile, despite being completely humiliated. “I’m fine. I feel normal now.” I tried to get up to prove it, but Blaine quickly dampened my efforts.
“No, sit here. Don’t try to stand yet. Let me get some water and food in you first.”
I sat idly, feeling like an invalid, while Blaine fetched a cold bottle of water and a basket of fries from the kitchen. He demanded I at least try to eat and drink while he apologized to the waiting customers and quickly filled their orders. I told him I could help, but he wouldn’t hear any of it. I wasn’t about to argue and draw even more attention to myself.
When I had consumed enough food and fluids to appease Blaine, I excused myself to the ladies room to freshen up. Mascara had settled in the corners of my eyes, and sweat-drenched strands of hair stuck to my neck and forehead. I looked like a hot, sweaty mess, and it only added to my embarrassment. I fixed myself as well as I possibly could and made my way back to the front. I needed to work my ass off and redeem myself. Plus, if I appeared busy, maybe Blaine wouldn’t question what brought on the sudden episode.
However, my game plan was quickly forgotten when I spied a pair of boobs practically playing patty-cake with Blaine’s face.
Neither Blaine nor his “friend” noticed when I reentered the bar until I asked a customer if they needed to be helped. It was obvious that Blaine was too busy helping himself to two Slippery Nipples.
“Oh, uh, I don’t know if you two have met, but Kami this is Wendy, an old friend from high school. Wendy this is Dive’s hot new commodity, Kami.”
I rolled my eyes at Blaine’s description of me. It was a typical man move—trying to diffuse the situation with flattery or humor instead of just admitting that he was a super-douche. I shook off my annoyance and quickly gave Wendy a tight smile and a wave. There was no way I was letting him know I was bothered.
“Well, aren’t you just the cutest little thing,” Wendy remarked in her heavy southern accent. All that was missing were daisy dukes, blonde pigtails and mid-drift top adorned with cherries. “The guys here must just eat you up, huh? I bet that CJ has been puttin’ the moves on you. You certainly are his type.” Her eyes ran the length of my body as she took a sip of her Appletini. Typical.
“Is that so?” I replied flippantly. “And what type is that?”
“Oh you know…the ethnic girls. The wild, exotic ones,” she explained with a straight face, free of shame or embarrassment. This chick was describing me like I was some rare breed of bird, and she was totally convinced that it was ok! Wow, just…wow.
“CJ isn’t getting anywhere near her,” Blaine snapped before I could respond to her ignorance. Both our eyes were on him as his expression suddenly turned cold.
“Oh well,” Wendy shrugged, waving off his odd outburst. “Anyway, Blaine, I was thinking I would hang out and wait for you until you close up for the night. You never did get to show me your truck like you promised. I guess neither one of us were thinkin’ about it that night.”
For the second time in the past hour, I felt sick. But it was for a totally different reason this time. It wasn’t out of fear or anxiety. It was out of sheer anger and disgust. Blaine was just talking about being alone with me tonight for…I don’t know what. And now he’s making plans with some big-boobed bimbo?
I should have seen it coming. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted the concern he showed when I nearly fainted. I knew the kindness in his smile was generic. The moment Blaine saw that I wasn’t a sure bet for the night, he moved on. And, judging by the pure lust that dripped from Wendy’s glossy pink lips, he’d be moving right into her in a couple hours.
I thrust myself into serving, even offering to help out the waitresses after I had wiped down every surface behind the bar. I could feel Blaine trying to catch my gaze, but I refused to look at him. I had to admit, he was good. He’d almost made me believe that he was something other than what I had always feared. But a tiger can’t change his stripes, no matter how hard he tries to mask them.
True to her word, Wendy stuck around, tossing back drinks and dancing to the music coming from the jukebox. Blaine only spoke to her when she needed a refill, but I chalked it up to him being embarrassed about getting caught. I would have preferred he be upfront about being an a*shole. I would have respected him more and it would give the ache in my chest meaning. My suffering wouldn’t be in vain.
After the bar was mostly empty and the waitresses had cashed out their tips, I popped into the back to retrieve my belongings. Mick was gone, delaying my plan to apologize for my behavior and assure him that I would never be caught flirting with Blaine again. Ever. When I returned to the front of the house, the lights were dimmed, and everyone had left for the night. Even Wendy and her twin flotation devices.
“If there’s nothing else…” I said quietly, fixing my eyes to the exit sign. It was so close. Soon I’d be free to scream, punch pillows and eat insane amounts of ice cream. Too bad Angel and the girls had a gig out in Raleigh. I really needed one of her man-bashing sessions, and no one did that better than Angel.
“Kami, wait,” Blaine said, leaning against the bar.
“Look, Blaine,” I said, spinning towards him. He was keeping me from Ben & Jerry, the only other guys I loved even more than Dom, and it was annoying the hell out of me. “Whatever you were hoping for, forget it. I’m not the girl you’re looking for. I’m not going to waltz in here with my tits propped up to my chin to get your attention. I’m not going to hang onto your every word like a f*cking puppy. And I’m not interested in seeing your truck, hanging out after work, or being alone with you. I’m not the girl, ok? So whatever bullshit you were just about to feed me, save it. You’re off the hook. Goodnight and goodbye, Blaine.”
I turned towards the refuge of the exit, trying to keep my eyes trained on those glowing red letters to avoid looking back at Blaine’s confused expression. When I hit the night air, still muggy and warm despite the late hour, I sucked in a deep breath, gulping down oxygen to combat the sob rising in my throat. Not here, not in public. I wouldn’t let myself crumble.
In my devastated state, I hadn’t even noticed my surroundings. Had I been paying attention, my senses not diluted with thoughts of Blaine, I would have been fisting my keys. I would have kept my head down and walked swiftly to my car. And I would have noticed a darkly dressed figure approaching me just as I was feet away from my vehicle.
“Hey, girl, come here. Whatchu doing out here all by yourself?”
I didn’t answer. I just kept rummaging through my purse, praying that my trembling hands would find my car keys before fear completely washed over me. I could feel it—the building anxiety causing my extremities to lock up. I wanted to run, wanted to scream, but once the fear had seeped into my bones and attacked my senses, it was impossible. I couldn’t hear the man taunting me anymore. Couldn’t even hear the sounds of gravel crunching under his boots as he stalked closer to me. Finding those keys was the only thing my mind could focus on.
The moment I felt the stranger’s hand grip my forearm, I yelped, causing the sob in my chest to break free. He reeked of hard liquor, dirt and body odor, and my stomach roiled in response. I froze. I should have fought, should have yelled for help, but I couldn’t. I had shut down, letting my thoughts wander into the darkest places in my mind. The places I never visited, for fear that I would never be able to return...
I was just a little girl, completely helpless, useless, and defenseless. I knew fighting would only make Daddy mad. And when he got mad, he hurt me more. Every time Daddy hurt me, Mommy would try to stop him, earning the full brunt of his anger. It was better to just stay still and let him have his fun. It made him happy. Making Daddy happy was what Mommy and I always tried to do. Even if that meant slowly killing ourselves in the process.
Something began to tug at me, pulling me away from the bleak fog of remembrance. I still couldn’t escape it. The memory had taken hold and refused to let me go, clawing into me, making me relive every single sordid second. But whoever was pulling me to safety, freeing me from myself, was much stronger.
I could hear his voice, asking me if I was ok, telling me I was safe. My body was crushed against his, a crumpled, trembling mess of tears and sweat. We were on the ground, the hardness of the concrete unnoticed by me, as I rocked back and forth, my knees drawn up to my chest. When he pulled back a bit to assess my face, it was my undoing. Those brown eyes, wise beyond their years, full of so much concern and fear for me, snatched me away from the hell of my memories completely and brought me back to the present.
The scream that pierced the night air sounded unnatural, like a wounded animal’s cry. I didn’t recognize it though it had come from me. I couldn’t stop screaming, couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop rocking back and forth as I squeezed my knees impossibly tight. I bawled until there was no more agony in me to dispel. Then I cried some more.
“Kami! Kami, I need you to calm down. Look at me. Look at me and try to understand what I am saying,” Blaine said urgently.
I locked eyes with his, letting his touch, his smell, permeate my senses. I needed to calm down, and I needed to trust him. I didn’t know why, but that is exactly what I wanted to do.
“Are you hurt?” he asked, cradling my tear-stained face once my shrieks had quieted to whimpers. “Do you want me to call the police? An ambulance? Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”
I shook my head furiously, squeezing my eyes shut. “No,” I croaked hoarsely. “I’m ok. I just need to go home. I need to go home, Blaine.”
“Ok, let’s get you up. Do you need me to carry you?”
I shook my head once again but made no move to stand. I couldn’t. I was still utterly frozen with fear. I didn’t even know how I had gotten in that position on the ground. The last thing I remembered was searching for my keys then…
I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt too heavy. Too tight. I struggled to fight for just the tiniest breath, yet oxygen had abandoned me.
“Breathe, Kami. Breathe,” Blaine said soothingly, stroking my hair. He took deep, animated breaths as if to demonstrate them to me. I focused on his voice, his touch, those warm brown eyes, and followed his lead.
“Good. That’s good, baby,” he said softly. “Ok, I’m going to unwrap your arms now. Ok? Then we’re going to get up.”
I nodded, afraid that breath would escape me again if I tried to speak. Blaine gently placed his hands on mine and clutched my fingers. Though I couldn’t willingly release my death grip, he somehow freed my knees without resistance from me. Once my hands were balled at my sides, he brought his face close to mine, searching for signs of approval. When he wasn’t met with another scream or sob, he slid his hands under my arms and gently lifted me to my feet.
“Kami, I’m going to go into your purse and get your keys, ok?” he said, still supporting most of my weight. I nodded again, focusing on his soothing voice.
Not having his face to hold my gaze as he rummaged through my purse, my eyes roamed the area around us. They came upon a clump of dark clothing a few yards away, completely still in the night. I couldn’t see a face, but I knew what it was—who it was. Horror rocked me again and I hunched over and vomited, my body heaving violently as it pushed away the remembrance of his hands on me. Blaine jumped back, then maneuvered his body behind mine and gathered my hair in his hands. Once I was absolutely sure that I wouldn’t get sick again, he eased me into the passenger seat of my car.
“Kami…” Blaine turned to me, the steering wheel groaning under his tight grip. His face was full of confusion, pain…anger?
“You’re hurt,” I whispered, noticing his bloodied knuckles.
He shook his head, flexing his hands. “I’m fine. Not my blood.” He knitted his brows together, and then shook his head again. “I need to know where you live. You don’t want the cops, but I can bet that someone heard you screaming and called them. And that piece of shit might wake up soon. I really don’t want to spend the night in jail.”
For some God forsaken reason, his words sparked a memory.
“Did you hear what he did to that guy? I heard they released him from prison early for good behavior.”
I knew it was the most inopportune time for the thought to pop into my head, but I suddenly had the urge to ask him about what that girl said. But I wouldn’t. This wasn’t the time for sharing details of our dark pasts. It would never be the time for that.
I gave Blaine directions to Angel’s condo at The Madison in Uptown Charlotte. I could tell he wanted to ask questions—there was no way I could afford to live there on a bartender’s salary—but he just nodded and cranked up the car. We rode in companionable silence, neither one of us wanting to discuss the events of the evening. There was honestly nothing left to say, and I was thankful that Blaine didn’t push me to talk.
After pulling it together enough to greet the night doorman, we made our way to apt. 1202. Blaine insisted that he see me up to ensure I was ok, and I didn’t object. Having him close distracted my mind from what had just happened. My brain had somehow gone into recovery mode, erasing the moments before Blaine found me on the concrete. I was thankful. I didn’t want to know what he had found in that parking lot. I didn’t want to imagine his horror when he saw me cowering on the ground next to my car, shivering and sobbing into my knees.
The lavish apartment was empty when we entered. I knew Angel would be staying in Raleigh overnight, but I had no clue where Dom was. His car wasn’t parked in one of our assigned spaces, and the alarm system was set. It was unlike him to be out this late on a Sunday and I began to worry about someone other than myself.
“I’m going to make you some tea and run you a bath, ok?” he said once we stepped into living room.
“In my room,” I said nodding towards the hallway. “I have a bathroom in there.”
Without hesitating or thinking about his sore knuckles, Blaine grasped my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. Comfort filled me in a way I had never felt before. I wanted to believe that maybe he had sought the same comfort in my touch. Maybe he was scared too.
I led Blaine to my room, something I had never done. Ever. It was my sanctuary. My hideaway. The place I went to when the world got too big, and I felt too small. He pretended not to check it out and walked straight into my bathroom, his hand still in mine. When he pulled it away to start the water and pour in some bath salts, I nearly whimpered at the loss of contact.
“Ok, I’ll let you get undressed…and, um, uh…” His eyes roamed my fully dressed body before falling to the floor. It was as if he was ashamed of feeling flustered over the mention of me being naked. But at the moment, I was glad he still found me attractive. I needed it. Knowing that part of him still desired me after seeing me so broken made me feel better, almost whole again.
“Blaine?” I said, just as he turned to exit the bathroom that had suddenly felt small and intimate.
“Yeah?”
I needed to thank him for saving me. Tell him how much it meant to me that he was there. Explain to him what happened to me in that parking lot and earlier at the bar. I swallowed, the taste of vomit a reminder of the shackles that kept me bound in anxiety.
“The kitchen? Off to the right of the living room, past the formal dining room. Tea is in the cabinet over the stove.”
No, I couldn’t tell Blaine no matter how wonderful he had been. He was still a man. He was still one of them. He had the potential to hurt and abuse and torture. I wanted to believe that he was different, wanted to believe that I could be different, but facts were facts. I still wasn’t what he was looking for.
After he was gone, I eased open the bathroom door that Blaine had closed behind him, shakily letting out the breath I had been holding since he had left. I undressed, praying that he wasn’t peeking at me through the crack in the door. Then I attempted to scrub away the disgust and fear left behind by the evening’s events.
Several minutes later, after my skin was pink and raw and I had washed my hair, I heard a rustle behind the door.
“Kami? I’m, uh, I’ve got your tea, and I didn’t know if you wanted it now or later,” he said nervously, his back turned. It was almost endearing how nervous he was about me being naked just a few feet away from him.
“I’ll be right out,” I called, a sliver of a smile on my face. Before today, a man other than Dom in my personal space would have had me bent over, hyperventilating and trembling. Yet, having Blaine waiting for me on the other side of the door only brought me comfort. I felt cared for, even a little cherished, as I imagined him holding a soothing cup of tea for me.
I brushed my teeth furiously, then stepped out into my bedroom wearing only my terry cloth robe. Blaine was at the windowsill beside my bed looking at framed pictures of me and my roommates, and my collection of little trinkets. Ordinarily, the sight of his hands on my things, disrupting the order of each item, would have sent me into a panic, but for some strange reason, I was completely content. It only gave me the warm feelings of anticipation, eager for him to get just a tiny glimpse of Kamilla Duvall without the mask.
He picked up a paper crane, one of the many pieces of origami that littered my room. “You made this?”
I shrugged. “Yeah. Picked it up when I was a kid. Keeps my fingers busy.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it aided in keeping my panic attacks at bay. The distraction helped me to put each worry in its own little cubby. Each fear had its place. And when life became too complicated and the fear took over, origami helped me focus them, tucking them away in the forbidden corners of my mind.
Blaine set down the crane and picked up another piece on pastel colored paper. “Thought origami was from Japan.”
“Do you have to be Japanese to eat sushi?” I asked with a raised brow.
“Right,” he remarked, embarrassment painting his face.
I walked over to the steaming mug on my dresser when I noticed the door. It was closed. I was in my room, alone with a man, and the door was closed. NoNoNoNo.
As casually as I could, my trembling hand threatening to spill the hot tea, I walked over and opened it, keeping it cracked just enough for me to know that it was open. If Blaine noticed, he didn’t say anything.
“Hey, what’s this?” he asked, holding up a glass jar filled with tiny paper stars.
“Just some stars I’ve been collecting.”
He shook it then set it down. “Looks like a lot of them.”
“253,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.
“Huh?”
I took a sip of the tea to give my mouth something to do before it betrayed me further. “Two hundred and fifty-three. That’s how many stars are in the jar.”
I should have been adding lucky number 254 to that jar after what happened tonight. Hell, to be honest, my freak out at the bar warranted a star. But Blaine was here, and the impulse to record those fears was stifled for the time being.
His eyes continued to survey my space, his fingers grazing everything as if he were reading Braille. He was taking it all in, taking me all in. Blaine was absorbing his surroundings in hopes of getting to know me.
He made his way to the acoustic guitar in the corner of my bedroom. “You play?”
“A little,” I shrugged.
He gently ran his fingers over the strings before looking at me with wary eyes, searching my expression for signs of distress. “How are you feeling?”
I tried to give him a smile, but it felt forced. I settled for a nod. “I’m ok. I’m not even really sure what happened.”
Blaine approached me in three easy strides and eased the mug of tea from my hands, before ushering me to the bed. We sat side by side, our knees and shoulders touching, as he gathered his thoughts.
“I came out to try to stop you from leaving. To talk to you. I was locking up when I heard you cry. That sonofabitch had his hands on you,” he said through tightly clenched teeth, his fists balled on his thighs. “I don’t really know what happened after that. I snapped. All I saw was red. He was touching you, and I wanted to kill him.”
Blaine turned to look at me, his jaw ticking violently with contempt. “I shouldn’t have let you walk away. I should have seen you to your car, and for that, I am truly sorry. I just keep thinking what would’ve happened if I was two minutes later. I can’t get the image of you standing there, frozen with terror, out of my damn head. God, Kami… I’m sorry. I am so f*cking sorry.”
“What happened wasn’t your fault.” The words fell from my lips unconsciously. I had been told the same countless times. I figured it was the go-to phrase for times like these. “I’m ok, I swear. Go on home. You can even take my car if you want.”
Instinctively, I reached out and placed my hand on his, causing him to release the strain on his knuckles. I didn’t know why I did it; there was just an impulse to touch him, to comfort him. I knew what it felt like to be absolutely stripped of control. Our reactions may have differed but the fear, the anger, was the same.
Blaine turned his palm and laced his fingers with mine, his fingertips massaging the back of my hand gently. “Kami…” He exhaled a breath, then his brown eyes were locked with mine. Being that we were so close, our arms, legs and thighs nearly fused together, the moment felt too intimate. I felt exposed, naked and vulnerable under his gaze, but the feel of his skin was a soothing balm to my soul. I could feel my body growing warm and damp, and this time it had nothing to do with a panic attack.
“Blaine?” I whispered. I don’t know why, but just saying his name made that warmth spread. I imagined saying it over and over.
Screaming it. Crying it.
He licked his lips before rolling his tongue, coaxing the metal barbell while he contemplated his next words. “I know you say that you’re ok. But shit, I don’t think I’m ok. I have no right to ask this, but…can I stay here with you tonight?”
At the sight of my widening eyes, he quickly continued. “I don’t mean like that. It’s just…I know what happened to you was traumatizing. And seeing you react the way you did, seeing how afraid you were, I know that’s not the first time you’ve been in that situation. You don’t have to tell me anything; you don’t have to explain yourself to me. But right now, I need to be near you. I need to see you. And if you let me, I need to hold you.”
Words failed me. They were literally ripped from my brain and replaced with all things Blaine. He encompassed every one of my senses. I couldn’t see beyond this moment with him.
Long seconds ticked by before a simple nod took him out of his misery, causing him to sigh with relief. I didn’t know what had come over me. Was I really about to let him spend the night? In my bedroom? In my bed? But after what had happened, and Dom being M.I.A., I couldn’t think of a good reason not to let him stay. I wanted him there. I wanted to let him hold me and chase away the nightmares I knew would visit me the moment I closed my eyes.
“Thank you,” he muttered, bringing his other hand up to stroke my cheek. “Seriously, I think I would’ve gone crazy worrying about you if I went home. I feel horrible about what happened.”
And there it was. His guilt. Blaine wasn’t staying because he wanted me or was hoping something more would transpire between us. He felt guilty for letting me walk out to my car by myself. The Dive employees were religious about never walking out to the parking lot alone after closing. Dive wasn’t in the best neighborhood, and drunken homeless men were known to litter the streets late at night. Maybe he thought I’d badmouth him to the rest of the staff and try to get him trouble. Or maybe he was just riddled with guilt and felt like staying would somehow make amends. Whatever the reason, it made the warmth of his touch feel like a lie.
“You don’t have to. I don’t blame you for what happened,” I said, pulling my hand away. I stood and started rummaging through my drawers in search of pajamas. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t let him see the pain that clearly painted my face.
“But I want to,” I heard him say behind me. “Hey.”
His hand was around my elbow, stopping me in my mad pursuit to find the ugliest, thickest pajamas I owned.
“Kami, I want to be here. For you. Like I said, I won’t ask you about what happened. I won’t ask you to tell me about your past. But I sincerely hope that one day, you will tell me. That you’ll trust me enough to open up and let me in.”
I spun around to face him, a generic smile spread across my lips. “There’s nothing to tell, Blaine. Absolutely nothing.”
I excused myself to the bathroom to change into lounge pants and a tank, surrendering my pursuit of granny PJs. When I returned, Blaine was standing at my dresser, inspecting the origami that I had accumulated over the years.
“You’re really good,” he remarked, picking up a green paper frog.
“You think so? Feel free to take one. They just collect dust.”
I began to awkwardly fluff pillows, not really sure where to go from here. The silence stretched on until, luckily, Blaine dipped into my bathroom in search of a shower. I quickly flicked on my television and tried to distract my mind from what was on the other side of the door: Blaine, dripping wet and naked.
When he emerged, he was barefoot and shirtless, dressed only in his jeans. His hair was damp, and tiny droplets of water rested on his shoulders. Now I had a full view of the ink that adorned his skin. Vibrant, detailed art roped around his arms and extended up his chiseled shoulders. There were a few pieces that had the privilege of kissing his cut torso, and the carved V that was fully exposed in his low-slung jeans. As if that weren’t enough to turn my belly inside out, I caught the glimmer of something silver gracing his left nipple.
Holy. Shit. His nipple was pierced.
I tried to take it all in without staring but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. He was frighteningly beautiful; a rare work of art that needed to be admired and thoroughly explored.
“Sorry, my shirt kinda got blood on it,” he mumbled, placing it with his shoes on the ground. “And I, uh, don’t…um. I don’t wear underwear.”
I swallowed just to give my mouth something to do, because if I didn’t, a whimper was sure to escape.
“That’s ok,” I squeaked as I climbed into bed. “But I have some Hello Kitty boxer shorts if you think you’d be more comfortable.”
Blaine shook his head, a visible blush on his cheeks. He hit the light switch and advanced to the other side of the bed tentatively, his eyes trained on me the entire time.
“I’m sorry, but…is this alright? You’re ok with this, right? I swear, I won’t try anything.”
I nodded, because oddly, I was alright with it. “Yeah, Blaine, hop on in and make yourself comfortable.”
As Blaine slid between my sheets, a million fantasies played through my head of him sliding between…other places. Even over the fragrance of my body wash, I could smell his natural scent that somehow seemed concentrated in the close proximity. It made me so much more aware of every one of his breaths and sighs as he settled beside me. I lied stiff as a board, wondering what to do next.
“Come here,” he demanded gently, pulling my body into his.
He placed my head on his chest, his strong arms wrapping around me tightly. I could feel his cheek against the top of my head. It was heaven. I felt like I had died and gone to paradise as my body melded with his. The feel of his skin, his scent, his arms holding me protectively as if I might be snatched away from him…it was incredible. And confusing. And tempting.
“Kami,” he whispered, just as I had let my eyes close.
“Yeah?”
“I want you to know that nothing is going on with me and Wendy. She and I haven’t been like that for several years. And I sent her home tonight. There was no way I was going anywhere with her.”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Blaine. That’s none of my business.” But I so wanted Blaine to be my business.
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he retorted. “As the one that I actually want to spend my time with, it is your business. You were way off earlier. I don’t want some skanky-dressed chick. I don’t want a woman that feels like she has to dumb herself down to be around me. And I don’t someone so easy that it makes me feel violated.”
I chewed my lip, suddenly aware of how close my mouth was to his nipple ring. “So what do you want?”
“I think you know that already, Kami.”
I exhaled, and let myself settle against his body, the sound of my name wrapped around his tongue replaying in my head. And for the first time in years, I didn’t need to count each fear in the jar in my windowsill. I hadn’t even thought about it. With Blaine’s arms wrapped around me, his fingers tracing circles on the bare skin of my arm, I drifted into sleep easily. And when my subconscious took the reins, there were no monsters. There was no fear. It was the scary-beautiful man beside me who starred in my dreams.