CHAPTER Eight
I didn’t speak until I was 5. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how, I was just afraid of what my words would trigger. My mother was often slapped and punched in the face whenever she spoke. Even before I even knew what her words meant, I knew the consequences of speaking. I didn’t want to meet the same fate, though I knew it was inevitable. Silence wouldn’t be able to spare me for much longer.
My father wasn’t stupid. He knew that bruises fueled questions, and questions warranted explanations. So as much as he hated me, as much as my very existence disgusted him, he usually refrained from leaving physical scars. Instead, he chose to etch them into my young, fragile psyche. Those scars would never heal. They followed me like a bad omen, marring every relationship I had attempted since. Those scars were the security blanket that crippled my emotional growth, leaving me lost, alone, and tragically afraid. I clung to them, letting the scar tissue form a wall around my heart. They held the pain inside, so it wouldn’t completely devour me.
There was a coat closet he liked. I remember that closet because it never held any garments. The only thing I ever saw strung up in it was my mother, her hands bound by rope above her head, naked and hysterical, as he had his way with her. I remember how he would laugh at her tears, how he found her weakness arousing. The things he did to her, his young daughter just feet away, were unimaginable. Except to me. I had the displeasure of witnessing every unspeakable act, bound by my own terror and unable to run and hide. That was what it felt like to be frozen with fear. How it gripped every muscle and joint, stripping all mobility and forcing you to live through your worst nightmares with eyes wide open. I knew that feeling well. I lived with it every single damn day as a child.
Sometimes when he was feeling playful, he would pour a bucket of ice water over her naked frame as she struggled to get free from her restraints. Then he’d grab a curling iron, the toaster, anything that could be plugged into an electrical socket, and threaten to throw it at her feet while she stood in a puddle. He’d bring the electrical device as close as he could to her, getting off on her bloodcurdling screams, laughing at her wide, horrified eyes.
Seeing her so broken down and pleading for her life revealed something to me. It showed me what true desperation looked like.
My introduction to the closet fortunately was more merciful, though not by much. On nights when he was overcome with drugs, alcohol, and his own sickening thirst for our tears, he would lock me in that dark closet. The light switch was on the other side of the door where I could hear my mother’s cries, pleading for him to let me out. Hearing her child wail in the dark, my little fists pounding the door until they were raw and bruised, tore her in two. But part of me was relieved. He would have his fun with me, my tiny whimpers sating his sickening need until his chemical high plummeted him into a coma-like sleep. She would be safe for the night.
“Ok, spill it. And don’t say there isn’t shit to spill.”
I rolled over Saturday morning to both Angel and Dom lying on my bed, wearing their nosey-as-hell, shit-eating grins. I was pretty sure why, but I decided to feign ignorance anyway. Damn, I wish I could lock my bedroom door. It was way too early to submit to an interrogation.
“What are you talking about?” I asked with a yawn.
Angel rolled her eyes before scooting me over and folding herself around my body. Dom was close behind her, hopping over our bodies and easing down on my other side. He was snatching one of my pillows before I could protest.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Kam. Spill the deets about the bartender, and don’t leave out a single morsel. And if you tell us there’s nothing going on, Dom and I will hold you down and tickle you until you pee. We will piss the truth out of you one way or another.”
“Yeah, Kam,” Dom added. “What’s up with you two? The sexual tension was stinkin’ up the place like a fog machine. Start talking.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed, pulling my comforter over my head. “Not you too, Dom. I thought we had an understanding? You don’t see me questioning you about every walking vag you talk to.”
“That’s different,” Angel interjected. “He doesn’t know or care about any of those skanks enough to answer any questions.”
I felt Dom shrug beside me. “True story.”
“Besides,” Angel continued, “this is a first for you. For all of us, really. You like him, Kam. Like him-like him. This is a pretty big f*cking deal!”
I pulled the covers down from over my head and frowned at both of them. “Who said I liked him? I don’t even know the guy.”
“Ah, but you want to know him. And that’s the part that counts.” Angel wrapped her slender arm around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder. “Come on, just throw us a bone. Just a teeny tiny bone, and we’ll leave you alone.”
I felt my face heating under their expectant stares and could feel my annoyance meter rising. “Why do you two even care? It’s not like I haven’t ever been with a guy before. Shit, I just got out of a pseudo relationship like a month ago.”
Angel let out an exasperated sigh. “But you know that shit wasn’t real, Kam. Stop dickin’ around, and tell us the truth. Do you like this guy or not? And remember, I know when you’re lying to me. I have a bullshit-ometer. My nipples twitch whenever someone lies.”
Dominic and I locked eyes before bursting with uncontrollable laughter. Big, ugly guffaws that had us sprouting tears and snorting.
“What?” Angel trilled. “I’m serious! They seriously do twitch!” And with that, she raised her camisole and flashed us her C-cups, causing us to laugh even harder.
“Ewww, get those things off me! And that is the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard, and you know it!” I squeaked just as she pinched my arm. “Ow! Don’t be mad because it’s true!”
Our spoiled little brat scrambled to her feet and poked out her bottom lip, glaring down at Dom and me with contempt. It only fueled our hysterics.
“Fine! I can see my special services aren’t needed.” And with that, she stomped off to her room.
“Dude, something is seriously wrong with her,” I remarked as soon as we came down from our amused high.
“I know,” he said shaking his head. Silence stretched between us before Dom wrapped an arm around me, easing my head onto his bare chest. “You would tell me, right? If you needed someone to talk to… you’d come to me, right?”
“Of course, Dom. You know I would.”
More silence blanketed the words we both needed to say but couldn’t—wouldn’t—because they’d become more real. We had lived through unspeakable things, had defeated most of our demons the best way we knew how, yet we were both cowards when it came to facing the unknown. Our emotions, our wants, our desires… we ran from them. Our hearts had been banished to a strange land that we seldom visited. It was easier this way. It made dealing with who we were more tolerable. It remedied the fear enough to get through each day.
With a chaste kiss on my cheek, Dominic slipped his arm from under my head and climbed out of bed. I understood. It was his way of escaping the subject, though he truly wanted to be a good friend and push for more. Somehow, over the years, we had become kindred souls. And as hard as it was for me to open up, it was just as hard for him to digest those foreign feelings.
“It’s ok, you know. It’s ok if you care,” he said just as he reached my bedroom door. “It won’t make you weak or stupid. It doesn’t mean he’ll be like…him.”
I nodded because it seemed like the right thing to do. But it didn’t mean I agreed.
I settled into my new job, and my new life, over the next week, every day grasping a piece of normalcy and working to feel more content in my own skin. Working with Blaine had proven to be interesting, to say the least, but he had stowed the bulk of his intensity. It seemed as if my words had finally gotten through to him, and that was a good thing. It had to be, for both our sakes. I couldn’t feel; feeling led to things that just weren’t possible for us. And instead of dealing with the fallout, I thought it best to keep things pleasantly cordial, no matter how badly I craved for more.
“Hey,” I smiled, stepping behind the bar and tying the little black apron around my waist. Dive had just opened and was completely empty, aside from the day shift preparing for the lunch crowd.
Blaine turned from his task of refilling the soda dispenser and crooked a grin. I could only describe it as polite, and that fact tore me in two.
“Hey, Kami.” His deep chocolate eyes narrowed. “You change your hair?”
I twirled a lock of my honey blonde-highlighted mane and shrugged. “Felt like I needed a change.” I didn’t have the guts to tell him that it was really an attempt at bribery by Angel. She knew I was a whore for spa days at the upscale salon she frequented, and used my weakness to try to get me to gush about my feelings for Blaine. It didn’t fully work as she intended but I did throw her a bone: I told her I was attracted to him. It was harmless enough. Even a 90-year old deaf and blind woman would have a raging lady boner for him.
Blaine gave me the most genuine smile I had seen from him in days, and I swear I felt something in my chest swell. “I like it. Makes you look…devastatingly sexy.”
I didn’t try to stifle the blush that I could feel heating my cheeks. I embraced it. It was the first time I had felt anything other than regret in days. “Yeah?”
“Hell yeah,” he said, closing the distance between us in three long strides.
And there it was again. The smell of mint and spice and pure male. The heat that seemed to roll off his body and enfold me like a mink blanket. Those intense brown eyes that made me forget my own name and had me imagining screaming out his.
Him. It was all him. Blaine somehow made me forget me. The me that wasn’t allowed to feel all these beautiful, exciting things. The me that didn’t believe in happy endings. The me that was unlovable, and in turn, could never, ever love.
“You were sexy before…unbelievably so. But the way the golden strands seem to meld with your green eyes, it just… wow. Makes it hard to look at anything or anyone else.”
I sucked in a breath of air and let it out slowly through my mouth, closing my eyes in attempt to regain some sense of composure. “Blaine…” I couldn’t say anymore. His name, occupying my tongue like his skin once did, was enough.
“I’m sorry,” he quickly sputtered, breaking me from the sweet memories of tasting him. My eyes fluttered open to him looking sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck with a tattooed hand. Shit, even that was sexy.
“I think I should explain.” He rolled the barbell in his mouth before flashing me a strained grin. “I have this habit of always saying how I feel, no matter how embarrassing it is. A long time ago, I didn’t speak my mind. I didn’t ask the right questions because I was afraid of the answers. And life f*cked me over because I kept my mouth shut. So I vowed to always be brutally honest and let the chips fall where they may. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.”
I looked away, seeking refuge from his penetrating stare. It didn’t make me uncomfortable. His words, his presence, it made me anxious. It made that pesky flutter in my stomach evolve into a full-on swarm of butterflies.
“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” I replied, speaking my truth. For once, I didn’t let fear suppress my first instinct. “But you do make me nervous.”
“Nervous?” Blaine asked, crooking a brow.
“In a good way,” I quickly recovered. Shit. Real smooth.
Blaine chuckled, and that fascinating sound chipped at the wall around my forgotten heart. “I wasn’t aware there was a good kinda nervous. But I’ll take it. Anything to see your cheeks get pink like that. You have no idea how it makes me feel when that happens.”
Speechless. I was rendered completely speechless, and my cheeks had taken on a life of their own and complied with his wishes. The smile that spread across Blaine’s lips as he took in my reddened face was undeniable and I suddenly felt completely stripped bare before him. I just wanted to cover myself and hide. But Blaine wasn’t having that. Before my nerves sent me cowering in a corner, his head dipped, and his lips were at my earlobe.
“I know you said you don’t feel anything,” he whispered. “But can you honestly say that you don’t feel this? That this heat, this attraction, is all in my head? Don’t think about it; just answer. Tell me what your heart wants to say and not what your head keeps trying to make you believe.”
I swallowed down the “no” that was already reflexively building in my throat and let Blaine’s proximity push away the fear. His presence did that for me; it got me out of my own way.
“Yes, Blaine,” I rasped. “I feel it.” I did. I felt all of it. I felt all of him.
I dared a glance up at him, and my knees buckled when my eyes met his. Luckily, he reached out to steady me before I could bite it in a big way. As his arm wrapped around my waist, an audible gasp escaped me, and my body nearly went limp.
“Don’t worry,” he smiled, pulling me into the hard warmth of his chest. “I’ve got you. I’ll always catch you when you fall.”
And just like that, Blaine had staked his claim on the untouched part of me that no living soul had ever moved. He had captured every fear, every reservation, and crushed them in the palm of his inked hand.
“Um, can we get some service here?”
We both spun around, my panting body still wrapped in Blaine’s tight, protective grip. Even with the realization that we were no longer alone, he didn’t loosen his hold on me. If anything, it only made him pull me in closer.
“Hey guys,” I squeaked nervously, peeling Blaine’s fingers from around my hips. “What are you doing here?” I tried hard not to sound snarky, but I knew trouble was amidst.
Angel and Dominic wore twin mischievous grins. “I thought I’d treat Dom to lunch,” Angel piped up. “I heard this place has really good food. And I was craving a burger.”
I rolled my eyes. “Angel, I have never seen you eat a burger, let alone carbs. Seriously?” I knew what they were up to, and I was pissed. Not so much at their presence but at the fact that I was forced from Blaine’s arms. Judging by the slight frown between his brows and the way he worked his studded tongue, he felt the same way.
“I’m trying something new,” she trilled, grabbing a menu.
My gaze fell on Dom, who seemed amused by me and Angel’s tiff. “And you? You let her talk you into it?”
Dom shrugged and smiled into his own menu. “A man’s gotta eat, Kam.”
I shook my head before stealing a glance at Blaine. He looked down at me and gave me a small smile. I couldn’t help but return the sentiment. It felt like we were sharing a private joke, and that was enough to squelch my bitchiness.
“Fine,” I sighed. “What can I get you two?”
My friends ordered, and by the time their food arrived, more lunch-seeking patrons had arrived, though most opted for the tables on the dining floor. Few people ordered more than sodas, making work for Blaine and I pretty lax.
“So how long have you been working here, Blaine?” Dominic asked, munching on a fry.
Blaine was leaning against the bar, his arms and legs crossed casually. My eyes zeroed in on the way the movement made his muscles stretch his t-shirt, generating fiery heat in my belly. I couldn’t even hear his answer. I was too mesmerized at the way the fabric pulled and molded every delicious ripple. Though he always dressed simply in t-shirts and worn jeans, the way clothes fell over Blaine’s physique was masterful. His body would be a fashion designer’s dream. But at that very moment, I could care less about his clothes. Unless they were on my bedroom floor.
“Kam? Hello? Kami, you there?”
“Huh?” I asked blinking rapidly, my dilated pupils struggling to focus. Angel giggled, and I could have sworn I heard Dom snort. A*sholes.
“I asked if I could get some ketchup,” Angel winked. Part of me wanted to squirt it at her, staining her white, eyelet sundress.
“So how do you all know each other?” Blaine asked, pulling me from my dress-murdering thoughts. I grabbed the bottle and handed it to her with a tight smile.
“Kam and I went to college together in Atlanta,” Dom replied. “After I graduated, we came up here. Angel was pathetically single in her big lavish condo and said we could room with her. I know her from high school, since I lived in this area for a few years back in the day.”
“He’s the guy that turned me gay!” Angel added.
“Oh, come on! Do you have to tell everyone that story? You know that’s bullshit!” Dom protested, throwing his half-eaten fry at her. Angel dodged it and stuck her tongue out at him.
“It is not!” She turned to Blaine and me on the other side of the bar, her blue eyes shining with conviction. “Dirty Dom was quite the ladies man, even as a youngster. He was my first piece of peen and, thankfully, my last. Why anyone would want to stick that thing up in them is beyond me. Yuck! I’d rather f*ck a frozen hot dog.”
“Well, maybe that’s because you haven’t had the right one to turn you straight, darlin’,” said a familiar southern drawl. Angel turned just in time to see CJ easing onto the barstool next to her.
“Trust me, one is enough. There is nothing soft and sensual about men. Sorry guys, but you have got nothing on the ladies,” she cooed, flashing me a wink and blowing me a kiss.
“CJ, this is Kami and Angel’s roommate, Dominic,” Blaine said motioning between the two guys. “Dominic, this is my knucklehead cousin, Craig Jacobs.”
“Holy shit, dude!” CJ exclaimed, leaning over to offer Dom his fist. “You actually live with these two? You are my new f*cking hero!”
Dom bumped fists with him and shrugged. “Trust me, it’s not as great as it sounds. This one,” he said nodding towards Angel “walks around practically naked, yet doesn’t like the D. And Kam…she doesn’t like anyone. A guy can only take so much cuddling before blue balls cripples him or renders him sterile.”
My eyes widened with shock as I tried to eject daggers from them. How could he say that? I mean, yeah, it was true for the most part. But it wasn’t supposed to be public knowledge!
“So cuddling, you say? Like naked cuddling?” CJ pressed. I rolled my eyes and tried to busy my hands before they spontaneously slapped him.
“Naked enough,” Dom replied. “I mean, yeah, I see them naked. Angel is an exhibitionist and Kam never closes her door.”
I could tell by the way he glanced at me and cringed, he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. What was wrong with Dom? Why was he spilling our personal business to virtual strangers? And why was Angel shrugging and nodding in agreement? I had to be missing something.
Against my better judgment, I glanced at Blaine, who was intently looking at me. Not with disgust, or amusement, or even lust. He seemed thoughtful, and maybe even a bit embarrassed by the topic. Whatever was behind his gaze, it made me feel oddly at ease. It washed away the horror that tried to bubble its way to the surface.
“Well, kids, I gotta get back to work,” Dom announced, standing up and tossing his napkin onto his plate. He looked to me with apologetic eyes before leaning over the bar. I knew I should’ve been slapping his handsome face right at that very moment, but instead, I pressed my lips to his for a quick peck. Dominic sighed with relief. He couldn’t stand when I was angry with him, and denying him affection would destroy him. I was mad at him, but I didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t deserve to ever feel pain again.
Angel left a kiss on my cheek before I could pull away, and wrapped her arms around our shoulders, resulting in an awkward group hug. It was silly and probably garnered quite a few sideways glances, but it was us. It would always be the three of us—the rejected, the abused, and the damaged. Nothing could penetrate our bond. No one else could fully understand it.
“Ok, boys, see you tomorrow night!” Angel remarked, releasing us. “Hope you’re ready for A.D. to rock the house!” Tomorrow would officially be AngelDust’s first night as Dive’s house band. They were scheduled to play every Friday and Saturday, plus sit in and play on Thursday evening for Dive’s new Open Mic Nights starting next week.
“No doubt,” Blaine nodded. “See you guys later.”
After the lunch crowd had diminished and CJ had begrudgingly returned to his day job, Blaine turned to me as I was drying tumblers.
“So no one, huh?”
“Huh?” I asked, genuinely confused.
“Dom said you don’t like anyone.”
Heat crept onto my cheeks, urging Blaine to take notice. He did, and reached up to brush his thumb against the apple of my cheekbone down to my jaw. After he had repeated the ritual with the other, I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
“Pretty pathetic, huh?” I asked, not knowing how to respond with his fingers still tracing my jawline.
“No,” he replied, shaking his head, yet still intently focused on the movements of his fingers. “Absolutely not. Better for me.”
“Better for you, how?”
A smile curled his full lips, causing my eyes to fixate on them. “Well, Kami, I told you before that I wasn’t chasing you. But now…now I am. So it’s better that I know your interest isn’t elsewhere.”
“Oh, is that right?” I smirked. “And what makes you believe that you chasing me will be a sure bet? Just because there’s no one else, that doesn’t mean you win by default.”
His fingertips fell from my face, but he didn’t break contact. They drifted down my throat, stopping to gently fondle my collarbone before sliding down my arm. My skin heated under the soft touch, begging for more. My whole body screamed for more Blaine. It had gotten just a sweet taste, and now there was no going back.
“I know that,” he finally said, making me remember that we were actually having a conversation. “But I am very persistent. I never give up on the things I want. This…you and me…it’s inevitable. There’s no use in fighting, Kami. It’s going to happen. And when you are madly in love with me, the only thing you’ll regret is not falling sooner.”