CHAPTER Twenty-Six
Fear #38
The unknown.
While most people would argue that the unknown would easily make the Top 10, it was what I knew, and what I experienced, that was much scarier.
Now, I feared it for an entirely different reason. There was one thing I knew for certain, but not knowing if I could ever truly accept it and reveal it in turn…terrified me.
I had never been good with words. Not the spoken kind, that is. Where Angel was bold and brash, and Blaine was sometimes overly expressive, I was closed and guarded. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell him how I felt, because I did. I just didn’t know how he would react. And then what? What would that mean for us? Would it change everything? Would he feel the same?
Dammit, Kam. Don’t start this shit. Not tonight. Tonight is special.
I refocused on the task of assembling individual rolls of meat and vegetables, and tried to block out the doubt screaming in my head. I wouldn’t listen to it. I couldn’t. I was already two seconds away from scrapping my plan and skipping town, but I owed it to Blaine to be honest with him. Hell, I owed it to myself.
“Score!” Dom boomed, as he entered our kitchen. He lifted the top of one of the pots simmering on the stove, allowing the scents of soy sauce, garlic and chicken to waft through the apartment. “Hell yes! I’m starved!”
“Hands off, this isn’t for you! You and Angel are going out for the night, remember?” I said, swatting him away.
“Yeah, yeah,” Dom replied, nabbing a Lumpia. “Send us off to eat crap while Blaine gets to savor all my favorite dishes. Yeah…that doesn’t seem unfair at all.”
“Awww, you’ll survive. Plus, I’m sure we’ll have plenty left over.”
Dom took a bite of the hot, crispy-fried goodness with closed eyes. A deep throaty groan erupted from his slightly greased lips.
“Fine,” he said around a mouthful of shredded cabbage and meat. “Make me a plate, and I’ll go quietly.”
“Deal,” I winked.
After a few more minutes of watching me nervously flit around the kitchen, Dom finally addressed the thing that had my stomach tied in knots. “So, tonight… you think you’re ready?”
I frowned, but didn’t look up from the rice noodles sizzling in the wok in front of me. “I don’t know what you mean,” I lied.
“Come on, Kam. You cooked for the man. And, you spend almost every single day together. I’ve never seen you this happy. This…free and unafraid. You opened up to him, and he’s still here, still completely into you.”
Dom walked over and stood at my side. I could almost feel the heat of his penetrating gaze boring into me though I refused to meet his eyes. “You love him, Kam, and I know for a fact that he’s in love with you too.”
Until that moment, I hadn’t audibly digested those words. Yeah, I had thought them before quickly pushing them away, but hearing it out loud… that was a different beast. I had planned to tell Blaine how I felt that night, but was I prepared to tell him that? Could I even do it?
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” When in doubt, deny, deny, deny.
“Sure, Kam. But you’re not fooling anyone. Just because you can’t say the words doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. What are you going to do when he tells you? Are you prepared for that?”
I shook my head. “Well…he won’t. You’re reading this all wrong. We’re just hanging out, just having fun. And if it ever came to that, I’d deal with it.”
“Ok, Kam, whatever you say.” He reached over and plucked a piece of chicken from the wok. “Just know that when he says it—and he will say it—that it’s ok if you want to say it back. It won’t make you weak or stupid. It won’t hurt you.”
He placed a kiss on my cheek and exited the kitchen, leaving me to ponder his words. My own skewed vision of love had kept me from accepting it. It was what made me break Kenneth’s heart when he told me how he felt. It was what caused me to push people away whenever they got too close. It was what left me to feel unwanted and alone for years.
Until now. Until Blaine.
I never wanted to go back to that. I never wanted to go without feeling Blaine’s arms wrapped around me as I fell asleep. I never wanted the warmth of his smile to abandon me. I never again wanted those stars on my windowsill to hold my thoughts hostage, not when I wanted to dream of only him. I had gotten just a taste of how good…this…could be, and I wanted more. I wanted it all.
I wanted love.
An hour later, Blaine was at my door, wearing his usual panty-melting smile. “Hey babe, something smells incredible,” he said greeting me with a kiss. Though we were the only two people in the vast condo, his presence filled the space with authority. Blaine engulfed every one of my senses, and I was only too happy to let him. I couldn’t even smell the food sitting on the dining room table, too intoxicated by the scent of mint, spice and pure seduction.
“Well, let’s hope it all tastes good,” I said pulling him by the hand to lead him to the feast I had spent all day preparing.
I sat Blaine at the head of the table and placed a linen napkin on his lap before picking up his plate to pile with food. It was all very subservient, and probably set women back several decades, but something inside me warmed. I remember watching my mom, aunts and grandmother cooking for hours together. When the food was ready and every mouth watered with anticipation, they would serve their family first, waiting on their men with rapt attention. I can’t even remember my grandfather ever getting his own food. Or my father.
I knew I should be ashamed, maybe even a bit disgusted, for wanting to serve Blaine, but I wasn’t. Part of me craved this. I liked feeling wanted. Needed. And no one made me feel those things more than him.
“You cooked all this?” he asked with wide, hungry eyes as he licked his lips.
“Yup. Now, we have Pancit, Chicken Adobo with white rice, barbeque pork and Lumpia. Should I give you a bit everything?”
“Yes, please,” he answered excitedly. “You don’t have to do that, you know. I can get my own food, Kam.”
“I know, but I want to.”
Blaine nodded and watched me intently, a small smile on his lips. “I can’t believe you did all this. What’s the occasion?”
I shrugged, avoiding his gaze as I spooned out the food. “Nothing special. Just wanted to do something nice for you. I’ve never cooked for a guy other than Dom so if you don’t like it, just don’t tell me. I probably would never cook again.”
“Baby, I’m sure I’ll love it all.”
There was that dirty little four-letter word again.
My hands began to sweat a bit, so I put the plate down to finish loading it before sliding it in front of Blaine. He dug in enthusiastically, moaning around mouthfuls of meat, noodles, vegetables and rice.
“Oh my God. Oh my God,” he mumbled, closing his eyes in ecstasy. “This is amazing, babe. I’m in heaven. No bullshit, I think I just died and went to culinary heaven.”
I laughed as I took a bite of my own meal. “Good?”
“Good? Are you kidding me? This is the best food I’ve ever tasted. Seriously. Now if you tell Ms. Patty I said that, I may have to take an ass-whooping, but it’d be worth it. Yeah, babe…so damn good.”
I smiled as I watched him devour everything on his plate. I felt…domestic. Nurturing. Secure.
Home.
Not because we were at my place instead of his; it was Blaine. I felt at home with Blaine. And I never wanted that feeling to leave me.
What was I so afraid of? This was Blaine. Good-natured, uncomplicated, fun-loving Blaine. I was letting my imagination get the best of me. He would never try to get too deep with me. He knows about my past. A guy like him could have any woman he wanted. Why on Earth would he fall for someone like me—a total nutcase with more baggage than she could carry?
And if he did—so what? I could handle that. We were having fun. Just getting to know each other. Things were…comfortable. It’s not like he’d ever expect anything more than this.
Right?
“Hope you left room for dessert,” I said, once he had polished off another serving. I brought over a covered cake stand from the buffet behind us and set it before Blaine. Then I pulled off the top with a flourish, revealing a Leche Flan adorned with fresh blueberries and raspberries.
“Oh my God,” he breathed. “I think I love you.”
Thank sweet baby Jesus the cake cover was plastic, because it was on the floor.
We both scrambled to pick it up, though Blaine beat my shaky hands to it. I stood up straight, putting every ounce of my attention into cutting the flan. The knife shook between my clammy fingers.
“Kam?”
I couldn’t respond. I could hardly think beyond sinking the knife into the confection without losing a limb. I thought I was ready for this. I thought I wanted to hear those words. Hell, I thought I was strong enough to say them too.
But I was wrong. This…was wrong.
Love wasn’t for me. Fear eclipsed that possibility a long time ago.
“Kam, say something.” Blaine’s hand was over mine, slipping the knife from my trembling grasp.
I forced myself to meet his gaze. “Like what?” I croaked, my throat suddenly parched.
“I don’t know. Anything. I can see you’re freaking out, and I need to know you’re ok. That you’re still here with me.”
“I’m ok,” I whispered through the sand in my mouth.
Blaine pulled me closer to him. “No, you’re not. Talk to me.”
I looked away. I couldn’t look at his gorgeous face and mar it with the ugliness of truth. Because I wasn’t ok. I never would be, no matter how wonderful Blaine was. All the love in the world couldn’t undo the damage left behind by my past.
You could cover shit with roses; you could hide all the vileness and make it seem beautiful and good. But no matter how badly you wanted to mask it, underneath it all, it was still shit. Putrid, disgusting shit.
“Blaine…” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. What do you say to the man you know you have to destroy?
A finger slid under my chin and gently guided my face to his. “Kam, I just told you that I think I love you, and it scares you, doesn’t it?”
“No,” I lied. I wasn’t even sure if any sound came out.
“Well…I’m sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Huh?
Reflexively, I frowned, though I should have been relieved. Blaine said he was wrong. He really didn’t feel that way. That fact should have erased my unease, but all I felt was a hollow, endless ache in my chest.
“I was wrong, Kami,” he continued, taking in my expression. “I don’t think I love you.”
The empty ache spread into the pit of my stomach, twisting like the knife in my crumbling heart.
Blaine pulled me into his lap, and though his words were ripping me to shreds, I let him. I was too weak from the assault to stop him.
“I don’t think it; I know it,” he murmured into my hair, his warm breath fanning down my neck. “I love you, Kami.”
Again, I waited for the relief that I was sure to come. Blaine loved me. Loved. Me. But the knife kept twisting. The pain kept spreading. Sorrow blanketed the joy that I should have felt when he uttered those words. I was so unbelievably conflicted about my feelings, and I didn’t know why.
Yes I did. I knew exactly why.
Fear #2.
Falling in love.
The only thing that terrified me more than falling in love, and the very reason I was so afraid of that magnitude of affection?
Fear #1.
My father.
“No,” I said in a hoarse whisper. It was my voice, but it sounded strangled. As if it hurt just to say the word. “No.”
“No?”
Against my better judgment, I turned around to face him. Maybe I was a sadist. Maybe I needed to see the pain that I would undoubtedly cause.
“You can’t love me, Blaine.”
“Why not?” he frowned.
“Because I told you; I’m unlovable. I don’t do love. I’m incapable of accepting or returning it.”
He shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”
“And why’s that?”
He grasped my shoulders, pegging me with his unforgiving glare. “Because I know you love me.”
I jumped out of his lap and was across the dining room before he could blink.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I sneered.
Blaine climbed to his feet and crossed the room to face me in four wide strides. “Yeah, I do. We both know it. You love me, Kami. And dammit, I love you too. More than anything.”
Angry tears pricked the back of my eyelids. “No.”
“Yes. And it’s ok. You know I could never hurt you. You don’t have to be afraid.”
Blaine went to grab my hands but I quickly pulled them out of reach. “That’s ridiculous. I hardly know you. And with what you do know about me…how could you feel that way?”
“You know me, Kami, better than anyone else. And yeah, I get that you’re dealing with a lot of shit. And honestly, that makes me love you even more. It makes me want to take away all the pain and ugliness so you never have to feel that way again.”
I pursed my lips and placed a hand on my hip. “So that’s it; you pity me. Well, newsflash, Blaine: You can’t fix me. You can’t save me. So just stop trying.”
“I don’t pity you, Kam,” he replied shaking his head, taking a step towards me.
“Then…why?”
“Why?”
He took another step forward, causing me to back into the wall. Rational thought abandoned me, as I went into defense-mode like a wounded, frightened animal, cornered by its predator. A predator that was fashioned to be beautiful and alluring, deeming its prey susceptible to its charms.
“Why even deal with all my bullshit?” I said, squaring my shoulders, preparing for the emotional battle. “What is it, Blaine? Does it make you feel good about yourself? Does it validate your manliness to save the broken girl? Or do you just get off on going after the damaged ones?”
I sucked in my bottom lip before I went for his jugular. I wanted to stop myself. I wanted to fall into his arms and tell him I loved him too, and let him kiss away the hurt. But, we fear what we don’t understand, and I didn’t understand the feelings I had for Blaine. I couldn’t fully grasp that depth of devotion and trust. I had never had it before and experiencing it now…scared the living shit out of me.
“Does it make you feel less guilty about not saving your mother?”
Blaine glared at me through the narrow slits of his eyes, and his jaw ticked with irritation. Good. He should be mad. He should be utterly disgusted with me. Hate me even. At that moment, I surely did. Maybe he’d even loathe me enough to get out now. To leave and never look back.
No. Please, don’t go. Don’t leave me.
“I know what you’re doing,” Blaine gritted, interrupting my contradicting inner monologue. “I know you’re just trying to say anything to push me away. Well, it’s not going to work, Kam.”
“You don’t know anything,” I snarled, though my heart totally agreed with him.
“Oh, I think I do, Kam. I know you’re afraid of this. I know you think that you’re too messed up for someone to love you. You think that I’ll hurt you. That I’ll end up being just like your dad. I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong on all accounts. You’re wrong and I plan to spend every day proving that to you.”
I pushed against his chest but it was hard as stone and just as immovable. “You don’t know anything! I don’t think any of those things.”
Blaine raised a brow, a smug half-smile on his lips. “Really?” He looked down at my hands still on his chest. I hadn’t even realized I was still touching him and I quickly pulled them back and balled them at my sides.
“Kam, why are you so afraid of love? Do you really think I would do something to hurt you? I’m not him. You have to know that by now. I’m. Not. Him.”
My mouth went dry, making it impossible to form a response as I looked up into his intense brown eyes. Eyes that shone with warmth and understanding. Eyes that exuded patience and gentleness. And love. Eyes that made me believe that, without a shadow of a doubt, the scary-beautiful man in front of me loved me.
I tried to blink the image away. Gazing into those chocolate depths only made it hurt more. It only made the jagged pill of the inevitable that much harder to swallow.
Blaine cupped my cheeks, forcing my eyes back to his face. He wouldn’t let me hide. He wouldn’t let me find solace in denial and avoidance. He made me face my fear head on, and I wanted to hate him for that.
“I love you, Kami. And I’m going to keep saying that until it stops being scary. Until you accept it. Until you believe me when I tell you that I will never, ever hurt you. I. Love. You.”
His thumb brushed along my bottom lip as he searched my face, his brows furrowed and eyes glassy. “The only one that should be afraid is me,” he whispered. There was pain there. Pain and fear and vulnerability. The same things I felt at that very moment.
I didn’t know what was stronger—the guilt of knowing that I was hurting him, or the fear that made me continue the charade. But, I knew one thing for certain: Blaine was too good for me. He deserved so much more than what I could give him. There was no way he could be happy with my pseudo heart. Eventually, he would see that for himself. He would need more. I just had to make him realize that before it was too late.
“Don’t. Please. Please don’t love me.”
He frowned. “Why not?”
“Because…”
“Because what?”
“Just…because.”
Blaine let out an exasperated breath and shook his head.
That’s right. Get frustrated. Get upset. Tell me I’m stupid and petty. Tell me that I don’t deserve your love. That I’m a lost cause. That I’m unlovable, just like I knew all along.
“You’re gonna have to do better than that, Kam.”
Desperation turned to irrational rage, and I shrugged out of his touch, pushing him away. “Because! Because I don’t f*cking want it! Because I don’t need it. So just stop, ok?”
I turned on my heel and tried to escape to the refuge of my bedroom. I needed to get away, but of course, Blaine was right behind me, utterly perfect with the patience of freakin’ Job. I wanted to scream until my lungs collapsed.
“You don’t mean that,” he retorted shaking his head. “Everybody needs love, including you. Especially you. And I know you want it. You’re just too afraid to admit it.”
My balled fists shook at my sides as fury misted my eyes. “I’m not afraid of love, Blaine. I loathe it. Love is cruel and unforgiving. It beats you. Tortures you. Smashes your face into a mirror and tells you that you’re disgusting and ugly. That no one else will want you. Love whips you with a belt until giant, red welts are left on every inch of your body, leaving you too sore to even sit for days.”
Hot tears streamed down my face, leaving me blind to Blaine’s reaction. It was too late to stop them. He had opened the floodgates.
He wanted the truth. He wanted a reason for all my crazy. Well, now he was getting it.
“Love rapes your mother right in front of you while she weeps, telling you that Mommy’s ok,” I hoarsely whispered, my throat strangled with years of emotion. “It touches you in ways and in places that it should never, ever touch you, trying to murder the last bits of your innocence. It kills you, cripples you. It leaves you damaged beyond repair.”
I stood before him, naked and bleeding, my impaired soul exposed for him to witness every ugly scar. “That’s love, Blaine. Why the f*ck would I want that? Why would anyone want that?”
Blaine stepped towards me, his arms outstretched, ready to fix the broken girl. But I didn’t want his sympathy. I didn’t need him to save me. I wanted him to save himself.
“Kam, baby…” he rasped, his horror-stricken eyes glazed with tears. “Baby, I’m so sorry. Please, let me…”
“No,” I deadpanned, moving out of his reach. “No, don’t try to make this better. You can’t make it better. And I don’t want you to.”
“Just let me…”
“Seriously! Stop it, Blaine! I don’t want your charity! I’m not your little pet project! Stop trying to push me into being what you want me to be! I am not your mother!”
Blaine stopped his advance and looked at me with confusion and pain marring his face. He was just as open and injured as I was, plagued by my horrid account. I had him right where I needed him. And, as excruciating as it was, I said goodbye to the man I loved more than I hated myself before slipping on my cold, unfeeling mask and I went in for the kill.
“I am not what you want, and I don’t want to be. I don’t love you, Blaine, and I never will. So let’s stop wasting our time and face the inevitable,” I spat as I gestured between us. “This is over. Done. There was never a future for us. Never a happily-ever-after. And the more we keep pretending there is one, the more I despise the thought of it. Goodbye, Blaine. It was fun while it lasted. But let’s not keep forcing something that’s not meant to be.”
Blaine’s expression was completely solemn as he looked back at me, waiting for the punch line to a cruel, tactless joke. But he knew just as well as I did that it would never come. He knew that what we had had crumbled into a heap on the floor leaving nothing but a mess of ashes. In a matter of minutes, I had managed to taint countless tender kisses, heated caresses, and longing stares. Things that we both held onto like lifesavers in the tumultuous storms of our pasts. Things that gave us hope for a future without pain and guilt and fear.
All of it. Gone.
I had successfully pushed away the only man I ever gave a damn about because I was too afraid to love him. But not only that, I was too afraid of what his love would do to me. I knew how shitty life could be. I knew, sooner or later, his love would hurt me. And being that I was now so vulnerable to him, my heart exposed and on display for him to see and crush in the palm of his ink-adorned hand, there would be no coming back from that. I would have no chance of survival.
Without a word, Blaine turned and walked out of my room while I stood there, steeped in my own hatred and affliction, numb and completely still. I didn’t move after I heard the front door close. I didn’t even blink as reality began to set in. I couldn’t. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t let myself believe it, even though it was what I caused.
Blaine was gone. And he was never coming back.