He held up his hand. “No buts. We’re going to forget our past for a little while and just enjoy the evening.”
“I think you’re expecting too much of tonight. This was just supposed to be dinner.” She stirred the lemon in her iced tea and didn’t look at him.
He knew he should wait until they’d eaten, but the words burst out before he could clamp them back. “I want to know what happened, Leia. Why did you break our engagement? I know you still care about me, so what is it? Let’s fix it and build a future.”
She still wasn’t meeting his gaze, and the color had leached from her cheeks. She sat back and sighed. “We get along better when we’re not talking about us and the future. Do you remember that time we stopped at Kepuhi Bay and we had the whole beach to ourselves?”
This wasn’t going to be easy. “Why do you always look back, Leia? The future is much more exciting than the past.”
She bit her thumbnail, then put her hands in her lap. “I’m afraid, okay? I never know what the future is going to bring. There’s always some new trial that seems to come along. The past is safer.”
He leaned across the table and took her hand. “We can weather anything if we have each other to lean on. We’ll build a family together.”
She exhaled. “There will be no family. I don’t want any kids, Bane,” she said softly.
“You’ll be a better mother than your mom. You shouldn’t worry.”
A frown crouched between her blue eyes. “You’re misunderstanding me, Bane. It’s not because of my mother. I don’t want kids.”
He opened his mouth, but no words came to mind. He’d always wanted a bunch of kids running around. Her blunt state-ment altered everything. “No kids?” he finally managed. “You seem to love kids.” He felt like he was floundering in uncharted waters. This wasn’t going according to the script in his head.
“This isn’t easy.” She sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I lied to you, okay? Our final argument had nothing to do with you taking charge. I’ve always liked the way you try to take care of me. I just didn’t want to tell you the real reason, so I picked a fight.”
“I—I don’t understand.” A sour taste came to his mouth. “How could you lie to me?” He realized he was raising his voice and made an attempt to lower it. “You know I hate lies.”
“I know.” She wet her lips. “Birth defects run in our family. I won’t put a child through what I went through.”
“You don’t have any defects,” he blurted. “You’re beautiful and perfect.”
She touched the faint scar on her lip. “This wasn’t a cat scratch like I told you. I was born with a cleft lip. I had half a dozen surgeries by the time I was five. And Eva has Down’s as well as a cleft lip. I don’t want to bring a damaged child into the world. And don’t think we can adopt. I’ve thought it all out. Adoption is as much of a gamble as having my own baby. So no kids, not ever. Do you understand now?”
He stared at her. “Damaged? You are looking at it wrong. Sure, Eva has special needs, but she’s a joy to be around. Don’t you feel her wonder and excitement when you examine an anthill with her? God has her here for a purpose. Who are you to say she’s damaged?” He was having a hard time holding on to his temper. “And what about your life? Do you enjoy it less because you have a tiny scar?” He stopped and stared into her face. “You moved to Kalaupapa, right in the midst of lepers. Do you think they have no significance because they were once called unclean? You’ve got a skewed version of what makes life worthwhile, Leia. Accept the gift of life God and your parents gave you and be grateful for it.”
She kept a steady gaze into his eyes. “I’m not changing my mind, Bane. I won’t give you children. And if you can sway me later, don’t. I’m not ever having children. That’s not negotiable.”
“Have you talked to your pastor about this?”
“Why? My mind is made up. You don’t know what it’s like to have your earliest memories be those of hospitals and pain. That’s why I fear the future. You never know what God is going to allow to come.” She looked away. “I don’t mean to sound whiny. I’m grateful for my life. But my mother has never let me forget I was less than perfect. And it was my father’s fault in her eyes, of course. No one in her family had ever had a birth defect. I couldn’t stand it if you someday blamed me for any problems our child might have.”