I fought to maintain steady eye contact with him. It was near impossible. He stared into me, and I felt like he was seeing parts of me I couldn’t even access.
A few steps brought Arys painfully close to me. “If you were in love with him, you’d know. So either you’re deluding yourself from your true feelings, or you’re using him. It makes sense. He shares your weakness, your pain. It unites you. And, for a few minutes, that brings you peace.”
White noise roared in my ears. Images flashed through my mind of Kale’s agony and his need when he took me outside The Kiss. I’d shared it, every emotion. Together we had sought escape. Maybe Arys was right.
I sat down hard on the couch, spilling my coffee again. I stared at the splash of creamy brown liquid on the back of my hand, wondering when everything had gotten so complicated.
“It won’t happen again.” It couldn’t. Kale was in love with me, and whatever it was that I felt for him, it could never be what he needed.
With an exasperated sigh, Arys picked up a photo from the mantel and put it back down. He was restless. The photo was of me. Shaz had taken it the summer before, when I wasn’t looking. It was a profile shot with the sun setting in the background. It had been taken at Kylarai’s.
“It will.” Arys sat on the opposite end of the couch. He didn’t glance my way. “I understand what you’re going through, Alexa, the bloodlust and the power. It’s so much to handle. But, I’m not where you are. Not anymore. I can only do so much to help you. But please, give me the chance to try.”
“Arys, I do need help.” My voice cracked with emotion. I willed him to look at me. “Things are changing. I’m changing. I’ll never get through it without you. Please, don’t let me self-destruct.”
Reaching across the center cushion that separated us, he took my hand. That small gesture meant a lot. “Ah, my wolf. If only it were that easy. Self destruction is a choice one makes. I’d assumed you’d be a vampire before it got this bad. I was wrong.”
“I don’t think anything goes the way we expect it to. Not in our world.” I abandoned what was left of my coffee on the glass top table beside the couch. Caffeine wouldn’t help me now.
“Certainly not as far as you’re concerned.” He laughed dryly. The sound was hollow. “You can’t make yourself a victim to the weaknesses anymore. It’s time to take control.”
“I know.” Fighting the bloodlust and its urges was taking a toll on me. I couldn’t keep doing it. “Resisting just makes it so much worse.”
“If you weren’t so damn stubborn, you wouldn’t suffer the way you do. Feeding on life, it’s what we do. Look at the rest of the world. Everyone is feeding off each other in this big, sordid mass of broken energy and fragmented souls. What makes us any worse than the rest of them?”
He wasn’t wrong. The line between black and white had long since blurred to grey. Good and evil danced together, each unable to truly exist without the other. Humans had proven themselves to be just as evil as any of us. Still, the need to know I wasn’t like the vampires burned in me. I was surrounded by creatures that thrived on the lives of others, and I couldn’t accept that I was one of them. Not entirely.
“I feel like every night is a fight. All I want to do is give in, but I feel like letting myself is admitting defeat.” Sharing this inner truth with Arys lifted the weight of it. I didn’t want to constantly feel like I was fighting a losing battle. I just wanted to be.
“The only way to control it is to stop fighting. Otherwise, you risk driving yourself mad.” His expression was haunted.
I remembered enough of his early memories to know Arys had put up the same fight I had. That side of him ceased to exist. He was all vampire now and more than happy to be. Would I, too, one day look back at this and be glad I was rid of this part of myself? The thought was overwhelming.
“I hate Raoul.” The admission came unbidden as I sought a source to blame. “If he hadn’t attacked me, if I’d never been anything other than human …”
Arys released my hand, but he moved closer, his action demanding my attention. “You wouldn’t be here with me right now. Nor would you have anyone or anything you now hold dear to you. Don’t play the ‘what if’ game, Alexa. Life was never meant to be any way other than how it is. That’s one thing I promise will be proven in time. Living in regret is not living at all.”
“Listen to you and your centuries old wisdom.” I gave him a playful shove. “I don’t want to be like this, Arys, a slave to the power and bloodlust. I don’t want it to tear apart my sanity or my relationships with the people I love.”
“It’s a drug.” Arys nodded knowingly, reaching to touch a dreadlocked chunk of my disastrous hair. “As long as you resist the call, it will make you its slave. It’s only when you finally accept that it’s a part of you that you realize it’s really not so bad.”