Chapter Sixteen
Well heck, Julie thought, surveying the nearly silent bridal party in the ballroom. Where was Reed? Rain and howling wind battered the floor-to-ceiling windows, putting a damper on the already-gloomy mood inside and preventing escape to the outdoors. The atmosphere was so thick, if you tried to cut it with a knife, the knife would get good and stuck. Leaving you weaponless. Sort of how she felt at the moment. Defenseless, unsure of herself. Anxious.
Would Reed show up to dance rehearsals or blow it off? Just the thought of seeing him made her pulse pound, even as she dreaded coming face-to-face with him after their last encounter. Seeing the judgment on his face. The pity. Perhaps she’d see none of it. Only the evidence that he’d mentally moved on.
Which would be worse? At this point, Julie couldn’t tell. Nor could she allow herself to think about it another second. Pigs would fly before she spent the anniversary of Serena’s death obsessing over a stubborn, unavailable man. Four years ago today, when she’d received the call that would forever be seared into her brain, she’d been on the way to hang banners at a pep rally for the football team, deciding which postgame party to attend, wondering if her butt looked fat from certain angles in the mirror. So frivolous. Pointless. She wouldn’t be that girl again. Worrying about things she couldn’t change. Reed was one of those things.
Julie took a fortifying breath and surveyed the room. Apparently she and Reed weren’t the only ones who’d quarreled. Christine and Tyler were having a hushed, seemingly tense conversation on the far side of the room, Regan was pointedly ignoring Brock, and Sophie—well, damn, she’d gone and dressed herself up like a rebellious preacher’s daughter. She looked dynamite. Julie raised her eyebrows when she saw Logan take careful notice of the transformation. Kady and Colton entered the room laughing, but their steps faltered as the obvious tension rolled over them, too.
“Uh…good evening?” Kady said hesitantly.
Julie swallowed her nerves as Francois entered the ballroom behind the smitten couple, saving them from an uncomfortable silence when no one responded to the bride-to-be’s greeting. A middle-aged man with obviously dyed jet-black hair, Francois’s every movement appeared planned, elegant. With a flutter of his fingers, he waved without looking to the sullen group and crossed to Julie, whom he’d correctly guessed—probably from the huge smile plastered to her face—was in charge. Hopefully he couldn’t tell her face felt seconds from crumbling. She’d planned this wedding to perfection, wanting it to be beautiful and memorable for her friend. Yet judging from the mood, everyone seemed hell-bent on ruining it. After Reed calling her out in the forest, even she was questioning her own motivation. Did she enjoy the exhaustive planning or was she punishing herself? No time to think about it now.
“Monsieur!” Julie added extra wattage to her smile and held out her hand, which the dance instructor shook once, inclining his head. “As you can tell, we are so excited to begin. Been looking forward to this for days, in fact.”
She politely ignored the snort leveled from Regan’s direction.
Francois nodded, giving everyone a critical once-over. “Right, then. So this is what I’m working with.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Everyone get a partner. Your hour has begun and we must not waste anyone’s time. Mine especially.”
Everyone shifted uncomfortably, unsure of who to partner with. When an impatient Francois clapped his hands loudly, Regan strolled over to Logan, put her hand on his shoulder, and sent him a dazzling smile, which he eventually returned, if slightly less enthusiastic. Tyler whispered something to Christine and helped her to the dance floor. Gaze still fixed on Regan, Brock held out a hand to Sophie, who gratefully accepted.
It struck Julie that she didn’t have a partner. Reed still hadn’t walked through the door. Francois was busy walking around, correcting everyone’s posture. She’d just have to learn the dance visually. Julie backed away from the group until she connected with the wall, leaning against it. She would not let this upset her. She would not. Tears threatened under her eyelids nonetheless. Tears that had nothing to do with dance lessons, prickly instructors, or feuding friends. Things that would normally get under her skin so deep she wouldn’t rest until she righted them. Instead, she encountered sorrow for her sister, self-pity for herself, anger toward Reed for dredging up all these emotions, then leaving her to drown in them. It all rose to the surface, pulling her under. Thankfully, everyone appeared too caught up in their own situation to notice her smile finally fall prey to the pressure.
Julie had no idea how long she stood there, watching the proceedings without actually seeing them. After catching one or two worried glances in her direction, she’d zoned out. Numbed by grief and confusion over too many feelings at once. She’d spent too long fixing everyone else. Now she had no idea how to fix herself.
Angry whispering, coming from Christine and Tyler, snapped her out of her daze. Swallowing her emotions, she started forward, intent on mediating the argument before it disrupted the lesson. Kady beat her to it. She pulled away from Colton with an irritated groan. Her arms encompassed the entire bridal party as she yelled, “What the hell is wrong with everyone?”
No one answered. With a muffled scream, Kady spun on her heel and slammed out of the ballroom, Sophie and a worried-looking Colton in her wake. Everyone stared at one another for a moment, then one by one began to disperse, beginning with an all-too-happy-to-bail Regan. Francois threw up his hands, muttering in French, and began to storm off. Julie, watching the disaster unfold with dawning horror, sprang into motion. She couldn’t let some lover’s spat ruin her best friends nuptials.
“Wait. We’re not finished, you guys. You need to know this dance for the reception.” No one paid her any attention, all their focuses elsewhere. Julie targeted the instructor. “Francois—”
“Monsieur,” he corrected her.
“Monsieur, please. Give me five minutes to straighten this out. I’ll—”
He shook his head in disgust. “They are unteachable.”
Julie was prepared to bribe him if necessary, but the instructor stomped out of the room before she could even open her mouth. One by one, everyone followed, some murmuring heartfelt apologies to her as they went. When she stood alone in the giant ballroom, she sank to the floor like a puppet.
Done. She was done. Every ounce of strain rushed to the fore until it felt like she was drowning. No matter how hard she tried, her efforts were never enough. Everyone could dance the Macarena at the reception for all she cared. If someone rustled up a limbo stick, she wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. Obviously everyone would prefer that to a waltz. She flat-out didn’t give a hoot anymore. What the hell was the point? She would never be good enough. Never be Serena.
I guess everyone is just going to have to settle for Julie. She hurled the clipboard across the room and took out a potted plant. “Damnitshitheadbastardmotherf*cker!”
…
Reed sat at the hotel bar, a glass of whiskey untouched in front of him. Picking it up and bringing it to his lips seemed like too much of an effort. If he moved any part of himself, the numbness he’d managed to achieve would dissipate and the feelings would rush back in and overwhelm him. He’d missed the damn dance rehearsal. Completely blown it off and now he felt a dull, permeating sickness thinking of the implications of that. If he’d wanted to fix things with Julie, he’d just gone and royally f*cked himself.
One minute, he’d been standing in his room ready to go, wearing a suit and everything. Might have even psyched himself up for a dance or two. Then he’d caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror on the way out. The next thing he knew, he was ordering a double whiskey, neat. One-Eyed Jack, no less, as if irony could be appreciated when he felt like he’d been run over by a semi truck. That suited man in the mirror wasn’t him. It would never be him. Despite what Colton believed, he couldn’t make a girl like Julie happy. She’d been right, back in the woods. He wasn’t capable of more. Thanks to his past, he had no example to go on, either. Knowing her, she would work double time trying to give them a fighting chance. Watching her spin her wheels would make him miserable when nothing she did would be effective anyway.
He would be her biggest failure.
As a child, he’d seen firsthand what a damaged man could do to a woman. He’d watched his mother fade into nothing with each passing day at the abusive hands of his father. Back then, he’d been too young to do anything about it. He had no choice but to do something about it now. To let go of this ridiculous idea that Julie belonged to him and walk away. Ensure she didn’t meet the same fate as his mother and leave her intact. Because God knew he was damaged—every scar on his body told that tale—while Julie went around doling out happiness to everyone she crossed paths with. If he dulled that part of her, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. Damn it, why hadn’t he done this before he let himself consider the idea of keeping her? How could he bear it?
A perfectly manicured hand slapped down on the bar in front of him, rattling the cage he’d built around himself.
“Hey. A*shole.”
He looked up into the face of one truly pissed-off Regan. Good, he’d love a fight. Anything to take away this horrible dread he couldn’t shake. He turned in his stool and gave her an imposing look he usually reserved for his team. “Come again?”
Regan didn’t so much as blink. “Oh, I think you heard me.”
“No shit. I’m giving you a chance to rephrase.”
She looked disgusted with him. Join the club. “You know, I really misjudged you, Reed. And I don’t misjudge people. Ever.” A glance toward the door. “Although apparently it’s a week for firsts.”
“Is there a point to this?”
“There’s always a point when I’m talking.” She actually poked him in the chest. “That first night, I saw something in you I thought would be good for my friend. I trusted my gut and switched that room key. You really let me down. Worse, you let the most genuine woman either one of us knows down.”
Pain broke through the numbness. I let her down. F*ck, I let her down. “Then it looks like you both saw something that wasn’t there. I never promised her anything. Do I look like the white picket fence type to you?”
“No. You look like a coward.”
She looked a little surprised at her own outburst, but it didn’t compare to the blast of anger he felt hearing the truthfulness behind that word. The anger was directed solely at himself. How he’d chosen to handle the situation. Running to a bar just like his father would have done. What sense did that make when he’d pushed Julie away so he wouldn’t become his old man and ruin her? His actions had accomplished just that.
Regan wasn’t finished, though. Part of him wanted her to keep going. Jesus, he deserved it. “This has been a waste of my time,” she said. “Leaving her standing there all alone without a partner was the nail in your coffin. I’ll never forgive you for what I saw on her face today.”
The air left his lungs, a vicious pounding starting in his temples. He thought of his girl standing there watching everyone else dance, when she’d been the one to plan the whole damn thing, and he wanted to break something. Lots of somethings. Oh God, he’d been sitting here so mired in his own bullshit, he’d forgotten today was the anniversary of Serena’s death. “Where is she? Is she okay?”
“Oh no, the Regan help line is hanging up now. You’re on your own.”
The words hadn’t finished leaving Regan’s mouth before Reed jumped to his feet. He needed to find Julie. Needed to touch her, to fix what he’d broken. This overwhelming anguish he felt at the idea of her in pain told him something important. It told him beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would kill himself making sure she never felt that way again by his hand. No matter what it took. Setting aside his demons, opening up about his past…hell, even cuddling. If she gave him a chance, he wouldn’t screw it up. The alternative, living with the gaping emptiness he felt now, the emptiness she’d filled this week, wasn’t a possibility anymore.
Before he could haul ass to Julie’s room and demand to be let inside, he forced himself to slow down. He wasn’t about to raid an Atlanta drug den, he was convincing a woman to let him love her. Shouting at her through a door wouldn’t cut it. Not after how badly he’d failed.
How do you fix this, Reed? This time it counts.
Think.
…
An hour later, Reed took a slow, steadying breath and knocked on Julie’s door. His determined knock echoed the one in his chest. In his line of work, getting through doors was what he did best. This might be his hardest job yet, because once he got through this door, he had another one to get through. And no amount of brute force or commands would work on the second one. He listened for movement on the other side and heard none. Before he could panic, a shadow moved across the peephole, disappearing just as quickly. Relief at having her so close turned to desperation when the door stayed shut.
“Pixie, let me in.”
Her muffled sigh poured over him. “Please just leave. We’ve said everything that needed saying.”
The finality in her voice almost sent him to his knees. “I haven’t. Not by a damn sight. Open the door for me, baby.”
Something hit the door. Her head, he suspected. “I’m trying to make this easy for you.”
“F*ck easy.”
“We’re too different. This never would have worked.”
Reed laid his palms flat on the door, his pulse kicking up a notch. “Would have worked, Julie?” Hope flared. Hope that he might have a chance. “Did you…had you considered it? Us?”
For long moments, all he got was silence. “Yes. I thought about how it would be a disaster. I thought about how you would belittle the things that I consider important. Just like you’ve done since the wedding started. All those events you ridiculed and made a joke out of? I planned them. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ll always do, Reed. I make things pretty. And you hate pretty.”
“Jesus, pixie…please, stop.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t like hearing how I hurt you. That I…would hurt you. I don’t like it.”
To his utter shock, the door eased open. Julie stood framed by light, looking so fragile and beautiful he stopped breathing, afraid he might interrupt that beauty. There was more, though. She had fire in her eyes, as if she’d finally reached the end of her fraying rope. Damn it, he should have been there to catch her when it snapped. “Reed, if you came here to get me into bed, t-to prove some stupid point, you should know I’ve already taken out a potted plant today and I’m working my way up to something bigger. I—” Her gaze shot wide as it traveled down his body. “Why are you wearing a tuxedo?”
Jesus, he was sweating. At least he’d diverted her anger. “The bet we made. At the scavenger hunt.” He relaxed slightly when recognition dawned on her face, followed by confusion. “I told you I won, which was true.” His voice went husky, and he held out his hand. “I wouldn’t trade the prize that followed for anything. But I consider making you happy the bigger win, Julie. I wanted to…show you that.”
Julie stared at his outstretched hand for what seemed like an eternity. When she finally took it, cool, slim fingers slipped through his larger ones, locking them together. The stiffness in his shoulders relaxed just slightly. He wanted to pull her into his arms, but judging from her wary gaze, it would send her packing. It didn’t stop the urge from gripping him. She looked stressed out. His body knew how to relieve that stress. His nature demanded he distract her from her troubles the only way he knew how. But his brain, and yeah, his heart, told him it wouldn’t work this time.
Jesus, that scared the hell out of him.
Reed did his best to calm the rising fear as they walked past the lobby area and wound down another hallway. At the very end, he pushed open a heavy wooden door leading to the solarium he’d found earlier after his head-clearing walk. He breathed a mental sigh of relief to find it empty, save the plush furniture and bookcases full of reading material. Rain pelted the glass ceiling, the reason he’d specifically chosen this particular room to bring Julie. He closed the door behind them, locked it, and watched her wander through the room, taking it in. Even he, who admittedly didn’t know a damn thing about romance, could appreciate the atmosphere. Soft lamplight, the smell of leather, no sound except the falling rain. Even so, her stiff posture remained. He took a deep breath and waited for her to see the blanket and deck of cards he’d laid out in front of the window.
Julie paused at the edge of the flannel. “What’s this?”
“I...uh…” He crossed to her, sat down on the floor. “I thought we could play go fish. Since it’s raining outside and all.”
Reed could feel her staring at the top of his head, but he couldn’t look up at her, instead busying himself shuffling the deck of cards he’d purchased at the gift shop. Damn it, he’d put himself out there with this plan. It could very well be all wrong. Who’s to say she wanted to remember her sister this way? Doing something they, as sisters, had shared exclusively? Who’s to say she wanted him to be a part of that? Reed braced for the worst, fearing her rejection. If she walked out now, he didn’t know if he’d recover. So he waited. When she plopped down in front of him, shifting slowly into a cross-legged position, he couldn’t prevent a tiny sigh of relief from escaping.
When he started to deal the cards, Julie stopped him with a hand on his. “Wait.” Her voice sounded husky. “I have to cut the deck. With my eyes closed. It’s tradition.”
“Okay.”
Their gazes locked for a heavy moment, before her eyelids slid down to cover the blue eyes he missed immediately. She lifted the top half of the deck, nodding to indicate he should place the bottom half over it, which Reed did before taking back the deck. He didn’t take his eyes off her the entire time. Couldn’t. She looked so incredibly soft sitting in the dim light, shadows cast by the swaying trees outside playing over her face. With her dress spread out around her on the floor, looking like something out of a fairy tale, it took every ounce of Reed’s willpower not to drag her across the blanket. As a child, he’d never had quiet moments like this. It struck him then that while he’d arranged this for her, to commemorate the anniversary of Serena’s passing, it seemed to be filling some long-empty void inside him as well.
“You’re not allowed to let me win. Serena always let me win.”
Reed thought for a moment. “How do you throw a game of go fish? It all depends on the cards you’re dealt.”
Julie picked up the cards Reed tossed in front of her. “She’d ask me for cards she knew I didn’t have. Cards she already held, I suppose. I’d tell her to ‘go fish’ so many times, she’d have her whole hand full after five turns. I’d always run out first.” She smoothed her hand over the blanket. “I knew the whole time, but I never said anything. I liked winning. Isn’t that silly? Two girls sitting there, playing a pointless game when the outcome had already been determined?”
When her breath hitched on the last word, he knew she was rambling to hide her emotions. Again, he quashed the need to comfort physically and focused on what she’d said. “It’s not silly. You were both giving each other what you needed. The game was just an excuse to accomplish that.”
Julie frowned, shook her head. “I’m the one who got to win. What did Serena get out of it?”
“She got to spend time with you.” Her eyes widened in a way Reed couldn’t interpret. The reaction made him want to backpedal. Make a joke. But he heard Colton in his head. Tell her what you’re thinking, even if it sounds stupid. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Why do you think she loved the rain so much, pixie? It meant spending time with her little sister.”